


Falling

by FanaticeIllabantur



Category: The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: AU, Abuse, Anxiety, Death, Depression, Emotional Abuse, Gen, M/M, Malec, Physical Abuse, Rape, Romance, Self-Harm, Sexual Abuse, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Triggers, it looks and sounds really depressing but I promise you there's happy stuff too
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-14
Updated: 2016-02-28
Packaged: 2018-05-19 18:37:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 97,159
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5977003
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FanaticeIllabantur/pseuds/FanaticeIllabantur
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alec’s had depression for years. Lost in this world full of despair and loneliness, he knows it’s impossible to feel anything but numbness and pain. Perhaps, however, something might come along and change that. Or maybe he’ll fall down the rabbit hole forever with no hope of returning. Life is never easy to predict.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Its Own Purpose

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One of the people who beta’d this piece claimed it romanticised depression, and I assure you there is not an ounce of romanticising here. I am also in no way implying that romantic love is the only way to get out of depression, which this piece, if you actually read it, can see that the romantic side is only one part of what goes on.
> 
> Just to reiterate the trigger warnings for those who need it -  
> Depression  
> Anxiety  
> Suicide/Suicide attempts/Suicidal thoughts  
> Emotional abuse  
> Physical abuse  
> Self-harm  
> Sexual abuse/Rape
> 
> It is dark at times and I understand some of the topics are sensitive. I want you all to know that genuinely, I do not intend to be rude, insensitive, or generally ignorant with anything within this piece. I hope you enjoy it for what it is and I hope you all can recover from anything that goes awry in your own lives.

> “My happiness is not the means to any end. It is the end. It is its own goal. It is its own purpose.”   
>  ―Ayn Rand, _Anthem_

A city is as alive as the people that live within. San Francisco thrives for that reason. Being full to the brim of locals and tourists living their exciting and advanced lifestyles, the City itself blossoms from the beginning of each day until it settles again at night. The people are busy and so the City is too.

The skies are painted soft shades of blue from baby to true and the clouds seldom pass by. The sun bares its heat in the warmer months before the frost begins, covering the buildings in delicate layers of white. No matter the weather, no matter the season, San Francisco is as idyllic as any city could get. It’s full of love and beauty, and everyone could find both those things in some form during their time there.

The waters that surround the State are a glorious attraction in itself, the Golden Gate Bridge as famous as it is. A red beacon against the azure sky, people to flock to it, desperate to catch the view from its height. There is a reason visiting the Bride is on so many people’s bucket list; its glorious beauty is unmatched.

And there Alexander Gideon Lightwood sat, on the edge underneath the first barrier, looking down into the depths below. The heat from the sun was baring down on him, it being one of the hottest days of summer. The gentle breeze was non-existent, the heat growing worse as the sun rose higher in the sky.

The water beneath beckoned to him, calling his name as he yearned for the cool water on his skin. Inviting him to plunge, Alec understood why he wanted that body of water to become his resting place; it was where he was invited, it was somewhere he would feel comfortable. Currently, he was living in no such state.

For months he had envisioned this moment, the moment before he fell. Finally for Alec, the Bridge would have its own purpose in his life. There was no purpose for Alec, and so he would fall into the abyss and hope he was one of the lucky ones; one of the ones that did not make it.

There was nothing as enchanting as the thought of falling before it all went away, before all the pain and sorrow disappeared. The tragedy of life was no longer worth living and this was his choice. This was where he wanted to be. There wasn’t a doubt in his mind.

Life had abused him to such an extent that this was where he had been pushed. Some would call him selfish, he knew that, but there was nothing selfish in this act. No one would miss him. It wasn’t his fault he had been pushed to this extreme, sometimes people didn’t understand that but Alec did. This was the way he was meant to go and there wasn’t any way he was going to be stopped.

Nothing had been fair so far, but then Alec didn’t care anymore. He merely wanted to leave it all behind. He didn’t even believe in things being fair, he knew other people got everything they needed, and Alec had missed out on it all; love, friendship, everything good, Alec got nothing. So he wanted to get rid of it all, be purged of all the things that had made him numb.

He was going to jump without an ounce of regret.

“You too huh?” A voice asked from behind him.

Alec turned to see a man, young, with intense green eyes, watching at him. There was something in Alec that made him want to study his face, he wanted to see him and be there in that moment with him, but he couldn’t. With a mind as exhausted as Alec’s, he couldn’t focus on anything.

“Did you want my spot?” Alec asked in complete seriousness.

The stranger, for a second, was taken aback. Then the look was gone from his face as he climbed over the barrier, careful to avoid the gaze of the cars idly passing by. As he continued to examine Alec, he sat down next to him. “It’s a nice day, don’t you think?” He commented.

“Yeah. It’s uh, warm.” Alec said.

“Very.” The other man nodded along.

Alec turned back to the waters, fading out as he always did when he attempted to concentrate.

“What’s your name?” The stranger asked, still intent on having Alec’s focus.

“It’s Alec. Well, it’s Alexander, but I hate being called Alexander… Who cares now anyway, call me Alec, Alexander, I don’t care.”

“I’m Magnus.”

“Hi.” Alec said flatly. This was surreal.

“Why are you here?” Magnus persisted after a short pause.

“Why do you care?”

“Because we’re both here and, honestly, what else do you have to do?”

 _Just one thing._ Alec thought, he said, “Because I can’t be bothered anymore.”

“And why is that?”

“Well,” Alec paused and sighed. What was the point in lying now? He was going to jump, he might as well tell this stranger the truth, “I’m gay and my parents are homophobic and I was kicked out for coming out to them when I was a teenager. I lost all my friends and my family because I don’t know how to maintain relationships. My little brother died this May and that tore what remained of my family apart. There’s nothing to keep me going or give my life purpose.” Alec said.

“Right,” Magnus said, nodding along again, “That’s not a fair hand to be dealt.”

“Why are _you_ here?” Alec asked, mainly out of kindness, but there was curiosity there too.

“I lost a lot of my friends in an accident and my abusive father moved into town.”

Alec didn’t know what to say in response, conversation was never his strong point. But, for some reason, he got the feeling Magnus understood that there wasn’t a decent reply to such an explanation. He couldn’t look him in the eye, so he kept looking at the water, wishing Magnus would let him be. He didn’t need anyone around him, he wanted to be alone in his last moments.

But Magnus did not seem to be going anywhere any time soon. It was not necessarily a hindrance, people were all around him. The fact that Golden Gate Bridge was the second highest suicide spot in the world didn’t bother Alec, he presumed people might see him fall. If one person was right by him when he plummeted, it wasn’t going to be a big deal.

Despite preferring to be alone, Alec wasn’t going to quarrel with anyone. Considering the way life had treated him so far, he knew he never got what he wanted. Even when he was about to give up on everything, he wouldn’t get what he desired because that’s the way it was for him. It would be stupid to expect any different.

That’s why he sat there with Magnus beside him, not wanting to talk or even look at him, because he knew he wouldn’t get it any other way. And the silence between them wasn’t uncomfortable, it was almost as if Magnus was there with him to be his company in his final minutes on Earth, Alec was baffled by it all the same. Then again, he didn’t understand much, so he let it lie, adding it to the list of things that confused him.

“Are you having a particularly bad day today?” Magnus asked after the silence lasted for a solid five minutes.

Alec shook his head.

Magnus was being persistent.

“Why today then?” Magnus asked and his gaze was raising the hairs across Alec’s neck, but he wouldn’t look back. He didn’t have the energy or the confidence.

“Why are _you_ here today?” Alec knew he was being difficult, but he had trouble changing his attitude. He had come too far in his life being the way he was to change it.

“It felt like the right time I guess.” Magnus said and Alec could see him shrug.

Alec shrugged as well. He didn’t have a reason for today being the day, he merely got up and felt like he might as well. When Alec decided something, he stuck by it and this was something he was trying his best to stick by. Magnus was being a rather large obstacle in the way of completing his decision.

“Well, if there’s no reason for today, why don’t you come up and we can chat?” Magnus asked.

The water had turned blurry. Nothing was ever focused. Life was one big blur. It made his heart and head hurt. He wanted to leave it all behind but Magnus was stopping him.

“There’d be nothing wrong with prolonging it for a day, right?” Magnus pressed.

Alec sighed, coming to the realisation Magnus was not going to let him be. He could wait a day or two before he jumped, nothing was going to change. One more day, he could do it, he hoped at least. “Okay.”

Magnus stood up carefully and held out his hand. Alec took it as he climbed over the barrier, away from the jump that would have ended his life the way he wanted to. He never got what he wanted, of course his death would be the same.

“Where are we going?” Alec asked although he was not interested.

“There’s this café round the corner. We could go there.”

Shrugging, Alec followed Magnus towards the café. On their journey, the sun bore down on them as it reached its highest point in the sky. Since Alec was forced to wear long sleeved shirts to cover up the marks across his wrists that everyone judged, the sweat was heavy upon his brow. The fabric sticking to his skin as he walked made him wish he’d been wiser in the past and abused himself in a less visible area. But, his life being the mess it was deemed that impossible for Alec, he couldn’t do anything right.

The café they reached was full of hustle and bustle but that was normal for Alec. Everything rushed around him whilst he was stationary, observing and never partaking. That was the way he was and the way he had been for a long time. Change was hard, Alec didn’t expect it.

As Alec wasn’t confident enough to talk to people, Magnus had to order the coffees and muffins instead, but he didn’t seem to mind. They sat by the window then and Alec could do what he usually did; watch the world go by. And there they sat in silence for quite some time.

“You didn’t have to buy me anything.” Alec said after contemplating it for a moment. “It’s a waste of your money.”

“Why is it?”

Alec looked at him, studying his eyes for a millisecond before looking away again. “Just because it is.”

Eye contact haunted Alec, especially when the person was being condescending or they were trying to work him out. And clearly, Magnus was trying to work him out.

“Would you have jumped?” Magnus asked in a sudden change of topic.

“Yes.”  
  
“Without a second thought? If I wasn’t there, you wouldn’t be here right now?”

Alec shrugged. “I wanted to. I don’t see the point.”

“What don’t you see the point in?”

Alec took a lengthy ‘sip’ of his coffee, hoping for Magnus to ask him something else or change the subject. He did not. Instead, Magnus waited patiently for Alec to answer, _if_ he was going to answer.

“Being.” Alec answered after he had finished his ‘sip’. He started picked at his muffin, eating the crumbs that fell from the body of the sponge, clinging to the idea that Magnus was going to say something to change the subject. Nothing came.

Silence was comforting for Alec, he preferred to sit without talking or, at a push, he would prefer listening to others. But talking himself, that was not something he enjoyed. Magnus did not appear to be taking note of that, he waited. Maybe he was being polite, perhaps he was pressing Alec to talk. Alec did not know and he did care to guess either.

“Everything’s so, you know, not worth it.” Alec said. “I don’t see the reason in it.”

“What do you mean by ‘it’?”

“I don’t see the reason for being here.” Alec attempted the explanation but it was tough. “There’s no reason for me to be here. Or anywhere.”

“What makes you say that?"

“I don’t want to talk about it.” Alec mumbled, staring at his muffin as if it were about to start explaining everything for him.

“Okay. What _do_ you want to talk about?” Magnus did not appear at all fazed by Alec’s lack of interest.

Alec sighed again. “I don’t know. I didn’t think I would have to be talking about anything at this point. I thought I’d be, well, I thought I _wouldn’t_ be anymore.”

“Wouldn’t anyone miss you Alec?” Magnus asked after another silence.

Alec thought, _No,_ and he wanted to say it too because that was the truth.

His parents, Maryse and Robert Lightwood, they would not miss him. After Alec had come out during a tense dinner, his parents were shocked to say the least. The news that Robert had had an affair had come to light, and Alec had felt an undying urge to change the topic, he had blurted it out without thinking. However, despite Alec saying it to release the tension, it had made the situation worse.  
Maryse looked like he had slapped her and Robert looked at Alec as though he had lost him as a son. For Alec, it had been punch to the gut to see them looking like that because of who he was. And that had made him feel like a failure in the space of about two seconds. His parents had made him feel like his existence had become a mistake.

The day after, Robert had wanted Alec to leave the house, suggesting he should take some time to think about his decisions and Alec had stared at him in disbelief. He had looked to his mother for some form of sense in the matter, but she didn’t bring it. Instead, she ignored the situation and went upstairs. That left Alec and his father and he was in no place to fight him.

Incredulously, Alec gathered a bag and left in silence, the door being locked behind him. He went to Jace’s house after a couple of days of wandering without a place to stay. They had welcomed him in with open arms, and yet he didn’t feel comfortable there. Something had made him feel out of place, but that could have just been the way he was.

Jace wouldn’t miss him. They had been friends since they were children but after Alec had declared that he was in love with Jace, Alec never felt the same around him. Constantly, Jace reassured him it was fine, a crush was a crush and it’s not a big deal. Alec couldn’t shake the feeling he had been a great fool though and it continued to haunt him.

Alec couldn’t lie, they had been good friends, as close as two people could be but, after Alec had started to feel such an emptiness, friendships had been difficult to maintain. He hadn’t meant to withdraw and yet he had. He hadn’t spoken to Jace in months because of that.

Isabelle wouldn’t miss him. After he had left without saying goodbye, he was too ashamed to see her in person. Jace said they should meet up because Isabelle had no care for who Alec wanted to sleep with but Alec hated himself more and more each day. He didn’t want his sister to see him like that.

According to Jace, before he and Alec stopped speaking, she had protested insanely and been an absolute tyrant towards their parents. She had been incessant about them rethinking how terrible they had been. Alec was glad for that, glad for her. And that would make seeing her hurt more. And he was already in so much pain.

Clary wouldn’t miss him. They had been friends for years and, after a spat because of both their interests in Jace, they had become even closer. She had taught him how to draw and, when they both needed to clear their minds, they would walk together and talk. However, friendships were not his strong point. Alec didn’t want that to be the case but he couldn’t change it. Sometimes he felt like she would understand but he couldn’t bring himself to contact to her, so he didn’t.

Simon wouldn’t miss him. At first, he and Simon had had a strained relationship because Alec was a protective brother. They had managed to get over that quickly however, and they became quite good friends. Simon was a nerd to say the least, and Alec was not, so they shared plenty of times dealing with Alec never understanding any of his reference. Then everything had gone bad and Alec no longer felt joy when discussing ‘ _Star Wars_ ’ or ‘ _The Lord of the Rings_ ’, resulting in him withdrawing from Simon too.

And Max wouldn’t miss him because Max wasn’t around to miss him anymore.

Alec didn’t have anyone else.

“No.” Alec said without looking up. “Why do you care?”  
  
“I’m interested.”

Alec didn’t reply. He didn’t know what to say. Interested in what? What made other people want to end their life? What made Alec the way he was? What Alec’s tragic life consisted of?

“Sorry, I’m prying. I can be like that sometimes.” Magnus apologised.

Alec, again, shrugged. “Don’t worry. This is the longest conversation I’ve had with anyone in months, so there’s that.”

Considering this for a moment, Magnus then said, “Do you feel lonely Alec?”

“Are you offering me sex?” Alec looked up, shocked.  
  
He smiled at Alec. “Unfortunately, I am not, maybe on our next date though.”

Magnus’ smile grew and it almost made Alec smile. Almost.

“But do you? Feel lonely I mean.” Magnus asked again.  
  
“Do you?”

“No, I don’t. Perhaps I might be sometimes, but I don’t _feel_ lonely.”

“I do.” Alec answered. “I don’t crave company.”

That much was true. Sometimes, when he was sat alone in his miniscule apartment, he could hear the nightlife outside as he sat on the floor beneath his window. He never wished he was out there, doing what a young person probably should do. Instead, he would listen to everything and he would be intrigued into their way of life, wondering what it would be like to have a friend or someone there to sit with him.

With Magnus now, it was pleasant but talking, that was a lot of work. The company was decent enough, but he was never desperate for it. Perhaps he should be, he just wasn't.

“I don’t mind being alone.” Alec mused. “It suits me.”

Magnus took Alec’s hand from across the table to stop him fiddling with the muffin. Not being comfortable with physical contact, Alec was surprised he didn’t pull away. Something about Magnus said ‘I’m here to help’ and Alec wasn’t totally against it. 

“No one should feel like loneliness suits them Alec. I would hate for anyone to feel lonely, please, let me help you. We can help each other. You know, be friends and give each other some sort of aid. Will you let me Alec?” Magnus said.

“Why would you want to be my friend? You’ve only just met me and I’m clearly not a good one.”

“Because I’m a generous man.” He gave a smile and squeezed Alec’s hand. “And, if I’m honest, I’d like a friend too. Since we’ve been through some stuff this morning, it makes sense to me.”

“If you want to.” Alec mumbled. “I don’t do friendships very well though.”

Magnus squeezed Alec’s hand again. “Do you have somewhere to sleep tonight?”

Alec nodded.

Magnus mimicked the motion. “So, do you want to watch a film or something?”

Never having been so confused by a sudden start in friendship, Alec finished his muffin and drink, and stood. “You have better people to be with, don’t worry about me.” He walked past Magnus and went to leave.

“Alec.” Magnus said and Alec turned back to look at him. “I don’t.”

Eventually, Magnus persuaded Alec that they should watch a film together. Alec had to tell him he didn’t like cinemas and, even though he didn’t give an explanation, Magnus got the hint. Instead, they went back to Magnus’ sizeable apartment which was located at the top of an enormous block. Usually, Alec would have not have gone back to a stranger’s apartment but he didn’t care what happened to him. If Magnus murdered him, then he would be completing the job Alec had wanted done in the first place.

Whilst Magnus was rooting around for something to put on, Alec glanced around his apartment. He had a lot of books and, by a lot, Alec meant a lot. Among the shelves, he saw ‘ _The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat and Other Clinical Tales’_ , _‘An Unquiet Mind’_ , and ‘ _Man’s Search for Meaning_ ’ as well as hundreds of other titles Alec had not heard of before. There was also a lot of paper everywhere and his desk that was situated against the wall had reams of it in every crevice and there were pens and pencils placed on each surface too.

Alec wasn’t a busybody but Magnus’ desktop computer was on and he could see he had been writing something on it. What it was, Alec didn’t know but he was curious. And the rest of what Alec could see was intriguing too, there were tables and cabinets and draws galore. Alec wanted to explore, go further down the corridor that led somewhere he couldn’t see. He couldn’t however, because it would be impolite and he didn’t have the energy either.

“How do you feel about _‘Pulp Fiction’_? Magnus asked.

Alec shrugged.

“Well, we need something that excites us.” Magnus mused. “ _’Brokeback_ ’?”

“’ _Mountain’_?”

Magnus looked around to Alec who had perched on the edge of the sofa. “Or is that too telling?”

“I’m not a gay shepherd.”

“Technically, they’re bisexual, but that’s not the point. Are you up for ‘ _Brokeback_ ’?”

“If you want.”

Throughout the film, Alec did not pay much attention. Mainly, that was because his span had decreased over the past few months. If Magnus asked him what his favourite part was, it wouldn’t be a disaster as he had seen the film before, so he could make any scene he remembered his favourite. As the film told its story, Alec stared at the screen with blank eyes, recognising the shapes and not the actual pictures, the dialogue like white noise to his ears.

Everything had become white noise. A lot of the time, all he did was sit and listen to the sounds that never formed coherent words or sentences. Sometimes, in fact all of the time, Alec’s thoughts were a muddled mess and they were never logical. When he was talking, he wasn’t always sure if the things he was thinking were actually the things he was saying. It was exhausting living like that.

And yet Alec had no choice. It was the way his mind had made him. He had tried thinking ‘happy’ thoughts and ignoring how he was feeling, but it didn’t work. Once or twice he had considered going to therapy or counselling but he loathed talking about his feelings. He loathed it more than he loathed anything, so that ended up not being an option. Living with his thoughts and the way they abused him like everything else did was just another aspect of Alec’s life. He got used to it after a while.

The sound of a phone ringing brought Alec back from his daze as he didn’t remember ‘ _If You Like Pina Coladas_ ’ being played in ‘ _Brokeback Mountain_ ’. Magnus excused himself and went down the corridor to answer his phone, leaving Alec alone. That was normal, so he didn’t mind. The film was coming to an end at this point, making Alec feel out of place. Time was such an abstract concept, he never realised it was passing until it was gone. And it was always going.

Once again, Alec had an urge to investigate the apartment and the shelves, to open the cupboards and sneak a look at whatever lay behind. His curiosity was rarely so piqued and, surely, that meant he should get up and look around. If things made him want to act differently, clearly he should act on them. However, the energy needed to do such a thing did not come to him in any form.

Instead, he waited. Alone with his thoughts, as per usual.

When Magnus returned, he sat back down until he realised the film’s credits were playing, and he got back up and removed the disc from the DVD player.

“Everything okay?” Alec asked quietly after Magnus put the kettle on.

The sun had begun to sink, the bright lights of the day fading, waiting for the dull tones of the afternoon to settle in. Through the windows, the light finally began to not burn through Alec’s skull and that was the first thing he had been thankful for in a couple of days. He preferred night time anyway, there was less pressure to get out and do things, and the stars in the sky gave Alec a sense that there was more to the universe than just sadness.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was, uh, a work… thing.” Magnus dismissed with a wave of his hand, Alec turning to watch Magnus move about the counters making Alec a cup of coffee too without even asking. Alec didn’t know if he liked the fact Magnus knew he wanted a coffee at this time of day or not.

“Oh.” Alec felt the need to be polite again. “What do you do?”

“Just, you know, just, uh, just-just work.” Magnus answered.

This response concerned Alec. There was a high chance he was being paranoid, his mind being as altered as it was, but he still felt that worrying sensation. It appeared as though he had avoided the question and Alec could not find a single reason why such a question needed evasion. Perhaps to save Alec’s feelings, but that idea worried Alec further.

“What is your work?” Alec pressed further, desperately hoping his paranoia was getting the better of him the way it usually did.

“The usual thing. Plain, old, boring work.” Magnus eluded a simple answer again.

Alec felt the need to take a serious tone, his panic setting further in his bones. Which, considering how much panic he felt in his day to day life anyway, was surprising.

“What do you do Magnus?” Alec asked again and he observed him.

Magnus sighed. “It’s not important Alec.”

“Magnus.”

Magnus finally looked at him, the kettle boiling with a flick of the switch just before he did. “I’m a therapist. I didn’t want you thinking, I don’t know, something of me that I’m not. That’s why I didn’t want to say anything.”

“Oh.” Alec, once again for the millionth time in his life, felt like he had been punched in the gut. “I’m going to go now.”

“Why?” Magnus hadn’t moved and he hadn’t started pouring the water either.

“Because I don’t think I should be here anymore. I don’t know, I’m probably like, some research or something, aren’t I? You probably picked me up from the Bridge to be part of, I don’t know, your dissertation or whatever. I don’t feel good right now.”

“I never said that. Why would you think that’s the case?” Magnus’ tone wasn’t harsh or angry or accusing, it was like a therapist asked a question. Alec hated it.

“I don’t trust therapists. They want to get in your head and I don’t like people getting in my head.” Alec was on the verge of tears and crying made Alec hate himself even more. He would not be broken in front of some therapist. “What you said on the Bridge, that wasn’t true was it? You’re not depressed. You lied to make me some project.”

“It is true, I don’t lie. It just didn’t happen recently. Everything I said happened seven years ago, I didn’t lie Alexander.” Magnus explained.

“I don’t believe you.”

“Why?”

If Alec said another word, tears would start streaming down his face. He picked up the energy he needed to stand and left without looking back at Magnus. Hearing footsteps follow him across the room, Alec quickened his pace and threw the door open in a wild swing, not caring if he hit Magnus with the velocity. Then it was down the stairs two at a time.

If Magnus was following him, Alec was too busy escaping to notice. Not knowing the area he was in, Alec took the first right down a busy street and carried on walking and walking and walking. He walked until his feet could no longer carry him and the sun had sunk below the horizon, shaping the sky with stars and bright lights.

He collapsed against the side of a building on a rather quiet street. No one paid attention to him, the way he preferred. With his face in his hands, he let his body deflate in the way he had only ever done at the height of his depression. With his eyes welling up, Alec restrained himself from crying in public. He didn’t need any compassion from strangers as that hadn’t worked out at all with Magnus.

Thoughts were rushing around in his head, screaming at him, each one more overwhelming than the last. He didn’t know what to do, where to go, what to think. He didn’t know anything. He thought Magnus was going to be a friend but he wasn’t. There was no way they were going to be friends now. No way.

His trust levels had depleted to their lowest point in a space of five minutes. There was something in him that made him think Magnus might help him, that he could trust him somehow, but he couldn’t. Everything in his life was so wrong, he couldn’t even jump off a bridge properly. Why was everything so difficult?

Over the past few hours, Alec had put his emotions and his energy and everything he was through such turmoil, he had nothing in him that made him want to move. If he could have gone back to the Bridge to jump, he would have, but he couldn’t. There was not even a sliver inside of him that could make him move. Alec didn’t know where he was or where to go, he felt so hopeless and so drained, he could have fallen asleep right there on that sidewalk.

And he did.

A few times in his life, Alec had slept on the streets. It was not a pleasant experience. Waking up and not knowing if he had had anything stolen was horrendous. On top of that, the stiff feeling that jeans gave and the cold that had settled on him over the night made moving painful and awkward. When he touched his pockets, he did not feel his phone or his wallet, and his entire mood and body sank to another level. Rock bottom had long past Alec and now he was beneath the rocks with them weighing heavily down upon him.

Standing up took a lot out of him but, yet again, no one even glanced at him. He stretched his limbs and began walking without a destination in mind. He had no idea where he was and he just wanted to go home but, really, he didn’t have a home to go to. It was merely a place where he slept, a room of isolation and still, he looked forward to it. He looked forward to being out of the hell that his life brought.

* * *

Magnus had been up all night searching for Alec. After he had lost him amongst the crowd, he had hunted down every street and every alley, hoping to Raziel he would find him. The day Alec had gone through had reached its peak and Alec had left in a fluster that Magnus had not intended to cause. He hadn’t meant for it to go that way.

Despite his exhaustion, despite knowing it was next to impossible finding him in this huge city, Magnus had tried. He had asked people if they had seen him, to absolutely no avail, he had gone into shops, and he had even gone back to his own apartment three times to check if Alec had decided to trust him. But he hadn’t. Dawn came as a wave of crushed hope, and Magnus had trailed back to his own apartment to re-boil the kettle, wake himself up, and try again with the hope that morning and sunlight might help.

Being a therapist or a counsellor, or whatever it was you wanted to call him, had made Magnus even more aware of the effects he had and the things he did. It had also brought him back from a dark place; a place that had started with being abused by his step-father. He had been labelled a ‘brat’, a ‘mistake’, a ‘blemish on a perfectly good family.’ It had not been Magnus’ fault he had been born, that he had been the result of his mother’s cheating, but he was the one that was blamed all the same.

When his biological father had managed to receive rights to have him over at his house, the abuse increased tenfold. This father had decided to laugh at his very existence, to treat him like a slave, and get Magnus to do exactly as he bided with horrific consequences. He had made Magnus feel worthless and as though he would amount to nothing because he _was_ nothing.

But he had his friends to get him through it, to help him feel like he was worth some sort of love. And they had all planned to go away together on this long coach journey, to get Magnus away from everything. Magnus had gotten the flu and he couldn’t go but he assured them he would be fine and that he would feel worse if they had stayed, and so they all went. And that terrible storm blew through and the coach had veered off Golden Gate Bridge and plummeted into the water.

It was newsworthy, four survivors, only one of them being Magnus’ friends. Everything spiralled even more out of control and there was no way he was going to grasp it, not ever. It was too much, too much pain, too much confusion, too much loss. Magnus had felt like it couldn’t get any worse, he had lost everything, lost himself, and lost his friends.

Then his biological father had decided to miraculously move into town without a word of warning. He had found Magnus and started harassing him and there was no way he was going to let up easily. Magnus had reached the lowest point in his life and his father was making it as hellish as possible.

So, on the 1st of May, 2009, Magnus had taken a trip to Golden Gate Bridge and jumped off the ledge, knowing it was for the best.

Now here he was, counselling others who were going through the same thing. From experience, Magnus knew how others with mental illnesses reacted to the ‘professionals’ who wanted to help. When the time would have been right, he would have told Alec. The time it did come out was not the right time.

He had meant what he said, he wanted to be friends with Alec. Maybe it would have started because Magnus wanted Alec to get better, but friendships sometimes started in the most peculiar of ways, why should this way be considered wrong? Wanting to help people wasn’t a bad reason for wanting to be friends, but he could understand where Alec was coming from.

And he had fucked it all up. At this point, he might as well have pushed Alec off the ledge himself. He wouldn’t be surprised if he saw his name on the news tomorrow. Alec had needed a friend and he had gotten one but he had been blinded by what Magnus was and that was going to be his downfall. Perhaps that was the reason Alec was as ill as he was but Magnus didn’t know. He had tried not to pry, to not be a counsellor because Alec hadn’t asked for it, but sometimes it wasn’t avoidable.

Everyone could be helped, Magnus knew that. It was the wanting of help that ruined people’s lives. Some needed persuasion, so that’s what Magnus was going to do, he was going to find Alec and he was going to help him, whatever it took. That was his new agenda. On top of all the other people he was already helping, they were beside the point now. Alec was the priority.

However, Magnus didn’t have a single idea as to where Alec was. He went out again, combing through every alley and every crevice the streets had to offer. But his luck was not improving and yet he would not give up until he knew exactly where Alec was, be that under the Bridge or asleep next to a dumpster. Giving up would not be fair on him. Magnus would not do that.

The sun had risen high in the sky by the time Magnus had been searching for around for four hours that morning. He had stopped to buy a coffee and something healthy for breakfast after there had still been no avail to his search. A couple of times, Magnus had wondered if Alec had been a creation of his own imagination. That was, of course, a stupid idea. However, Alec did seem to be a ghost at this point, disappearing without a trace.

It was a sad moment for Magnus when he realised he ought to give up. After even checking Golden Gate Bridge five times, Magnus knew all he could do was check the obituaries and hope for the love of Raziel that Alec’s name did not turn up. Magnus would feel entirely guilty if Alec had jumped after their meeting.

On his way back to his apartment, Magnus’ heart was heavy and he was not walking as broadly as he had been before. The mistakes he had made leading up to that point had made Magnus feel like a complete ass because his intentions had been misunderstood. That was the worst thing; the fact that Magnus had intended to be Alec’s friend, to cheer him up, to make him feel worth something, and Alec had gone and believed the opposite. And now Magnus did not even have the chance to explain himself.

But then he saw him.

He was walking with glazed eyes among a crowd of people, looking like a lost soul amongst a storm of life. As quickly as was appropriate, Magnus approached him.

“Alec?” Magnus greeted after he had reached him.

Alec looked up and his face registered with disappointment. Magnus’ heart managed to sink further.

Without any form of emotion in his voice, Alec responded, “What?”

After a few seconds of composing himself, Magnus said, “Your wallet and phone fell out of your pockets yesterday, they’re at my apartment if you want to come and collect them.”

A wave of relief visibly overcame Alec but his tone did not show it. “Thanks.”

“Do you want to come and get them?”

The two of them were stood stationary in the centre of the sidewalk. People were awkwardly going around them, trying to get to places they couldn’t because Magnus and Alec had become obstacles in their path. Since Magnus disliked being an obstacle, he took Alec’s arm and guided him a few steps away so they stood in the entrance of an alley. Clearly, Alec did not like this but he did not protest as much as he wanted to.

“Why are you here?” Alec asked, but his tone was more of sadness than of accusation.

“Because I wanted to return your belongings and, hopefully, get a chance to explain myself.”

Alec did not reply.

“Where did you go last night?” Magnus asked after the recognition of the type of silence that would lead to no answer.

“Nowhere.”

“What do you mean?”

“I didn’t go anywhere. I didn’t know where I was and I couldn’t ask anyone, so, well, you know, I didn’t go anywhere.”

“So you haven’t slept?”

“No, I _have_ slept.” Alec corrected.

“Where?”

Alec’s lack of response gave Magnus the answer he had hoped was wrong. He reached a hand out to touch Alec’s, who flinched before he relaxed upon realisation of Magnus’ intentions. His hand was ice, but he wasn’t shivering. He should have been, and yet he wasn’t.

“You’ll catch pneumonia if you do things like that.” Magnus said. “Come back to my apartment, I’m not leaving you out here like this.”

“No.”

Magnus straighten himself up in a sort of dominance technique. “I’m not playing around Alec, you’ll freeze to death.”

“And?”

“I’m not leaving you out here in this state.”

“I don’t want your help.”

“But you need it.” Magnus stated and he seized Alec’s hand and led him back to his home. Alec struggled for a few seconds and then gave in, allowing himself to be brought through the streets to a warmer place.

Once there, Magnus gave Alec a blanket and coffee. Alec had said nothing, he had been quiet for the entire journey, perhaps silently protesting. Magnus did not know for sure. What he did know, however, was that he was going to get Alec warm so he would not freeze to death.

“Were you looking for me?” Alec asked in a quiet but sudden manner.

Magnus nodded. Instead of making Alec more uncomfortable, he had sat at his desk, idly going through his computer and checking over appointments so he did not overwhelm Alec with attention in one fell swoop. He gave Alec a small glance accompanied by a smile to see him looking baffled.

“Why?” Alec asked.

Turning in his chair to face Alec, Magnus said, “Why did I look for you?” Alec nodded. “I looked for you because you seemed upset and you left last night in quite the rush. Also, because you didn’t let me explain myself, and you thought I was ‘picking you up’ from the Bridge to make you some sort of experiment, or to be your friend because I wanted to give you therapy, and that is not the case. I looked for you, Alec, because you needed looking for.”

Alec had avoided eye contact as Magnus was talking but Magnus had grown accustom to the way people behaved in certain situations. Habitual things were easy to pick up on and eye contact was a big one. But Magnus was trying to not give Alec therapy, or even do it in his head. That was the opposite of what Alec wanted and Magnus highly appreciated what other people wanted.

Alec paused for a long time. There was something running through his mind that Magnus wanted to guess at but he wouldn’t on moral grounds for Alec's sake. He also waited for Alec to talk as that was an important thing, giving people the time and space they needed. Everyone would converse if they had the opportunity to do so.

“So you really aren’t depressed anymore?” Alec asked once he found the confidence.

“I’m not, no.”

"But you were?”

“Seven years ago, I was.” Magnus observed Alec but he wasn’t going to say anything else, Magnus could tell. So, he launched into it, hoping Alec got something out of connecting with another person. “I jumped from the Bridge seven years ago, I didn’t die, I broke both my legs and I was going to drown. This fisherman though, he found me and saved me and that led to a lot of therapy and help sessions over the course of the next few years. Physiotherapy for around eight months, then PTSD counselling, then depression counselling afterwards. That took around three years, I think or perhaps a little over that actually, but yeah, it took a while.

It was after all that, all those strangers that didn’t know me and yet still wanted to help me, that made me realise that that was what I wanted to do. So I went to college, I got a degree, I got experience, I did everything I needed to do and I became a therapist. I never thought I could I get saved, but I did, so I knew I wanted to do the same for others.

And that’s what I do. Whenever I have a free hour or so, I pass the Bridge and I try to help anyone I can because not everyone is as lucky as me to survive such a thing. I now know too, that everyone can be saved. That includes you Alec.” Magnus finished talking and continued to watch Alec intently. Something changed in him, but Magnus, again, did not comment or think about it.

“And that’s all true?”

“Word for word.”

Another pause arose, Alec once again thinking things through in his head visibly. Silence was something Magnus was comfortable with and it was surprising, the amount of people who were the same, that actually liked the feeling of silence. When you comfortable enough around a person to be in silence with them, that was something that was truly wonderful. Consequently, Magnus, as often as possible, made people feel comfortable in the silences they found themselves in.

“I don’t want therapy.” Alec stated finally.

“I’m not telling you to get therapy.” Magnus said. “I did what I did yesterday, and I told you what I just did, because I would hate for anyone to do what I did and not have the chance to come back from it.”

“You just wanted to be my friend to stop me from jumping.”

“That doesn’t make our friendship any lesser.”

  
“But I don’t think I’ll be able to shake the feeling that you’re watching and analysing everything I’m doing. It’ll make me even more paranoid.”

Magnus stood up and sat on the sofa next to Alec, a reasonable distance away. “Alec, I’m not going to give you subtle counselling sessions. I want to be your friend because friendship is important and I don’t like people being alone.” Magnus explained. “This isn’t a pity friendship.”

“That’s exactly what it is.”

“I don’t pity you. I don’t pity anyone. I want to help you, that’s not pity. Don’t do this to yourself, don’t punish yourself because this is not a problem or a fault of any sort.”

There was a deflation in Alec and Magnus could understand. After being in such a situation, you felt numb to everything and everyone without much hope to start feeling again. Exhaustion was a part of everyday life and you had to find some way of waking up. That was never easy because life was tiring, both with mental illness and without, finding something to keep you going was the hardest part of life and some people failed to ever wake up.

Magnus was going to help Alec find a way of waking up, help him find something that would feel like his own life had its own purpose. His intentions were clear in his own mind, he just had to make sure Alec understood them too. Another hard thing about life was gaining trust and, so far Magnus hadn’t managed to do that. In fact, he had practically done the complete opposite.

Alec needed to be okay, Magnus could see that in his eyes, in the way he looked at the world. And he would help him, no matter how hard it was. A challenge was always the beginning to something great and Magnus was up for it. All he needed now was Alec to be up for it too. Somehow.

“And you really want to be my friend?” Alec asked, his confidence being non-existent.

Magnus gave him a sorrowful look before erasing it from his face knowing it was not the sort of look Alec would want from anyone. “I’m going to ask you something now. One question, and I want you to answer with one word, okay?”

Alec nodded.

“Do you like feeling lonely?”

This was actually something Magnus asked a lot of his clients that came in, saying they didn’t want friends or family surrounding them. It was good way for Magnus to see which direction he needed to go because no one should like feeling lonely. Sure, being an introvert was a thing and people liked alone time, there was nothing wrong with that. But liking the feeling of loneliness was not something anyone should do.

This was not what Alec would have wanted, but he didn’t have to know this was one of Magnus’ counselling techniques. And it wasn’t as if Magnus was going to give Alec counselling or therapy, he was going to figure out the best way for his level of involvement, mentality wise. He didn’t want to overwhelm Alec with his persistence if that wasn’t something Alec neither needed nor wanted.

“No.” Alec answered.

“Then let me be your friend.” Magnus said.

Alec started fiddling with his nails, his eyes watching his fingers’ work as he asked, quietly, “How do friendships work?”

Magnus’ heart broke. “They work however you want them to. There are no set rules to friendship. We just sort of ‘be’ together, if you get what I mean.”

“Right.”

It was clear Alec did not get what Magnus meant. But, as Alec had already had a taxing day, Magnus did not push him any further. Instead, when he saw Alec get dozy, he let him fall asleep on the sofa, draping the blanket over him when he did.

Sleep made Alec look peaceful for the first time Magnus had ever seen. A serenity surrounded him, there was no worry around his face, no panic in his eyes, there was just calm. A beautiful sense of relaxation and innocence. That was the way he should be in life, but he wasn’t because life was unfair and it hurt those who couldn’t always take it. That was life and it was tragic.

As the day grew old, Magnus let Alec sleep. His mind needed the rest and there was no way Magnus was going to stop him from doing that. Of course, there was a limit on how much sleep one person should get but considering Alec had spent the previous night freezing to death on San Francisco’s streets, he deserved this rest on the sofa more than anyone else. Magnus had no intention of ruining something good for him.

He idled away the hours by reading his files and his books, checking over things and generally doing nothing. Despite the fact Magnus had sessions to do the next day, he wasn’t preparing himself for them. He did read over what he had done in the last sessions and what he had planned for the upcoming ones but his mind was elsewhere, focused on Alec.

Obviously he knew everyone he was trying to help should be his main priority and they were, but Alec seemed so helpless. There was something about him that was empty, devoid of all feeling. Magnus had been like that, once upon a time and it had been devastating. The way he had watched the days go by, hundreds at a time before he even felt like any time had passed at all. That numb feeling where all sort of enjoyment disappeared and everything merged into one; that was a level of hopelessness Magnus had been at, the worst point in his life.

Some of Magnus’ clients were around that level of despair, he had people who hated their very existence or wished everything would stop hurting, but he didn’t have any that had been at the point Magnus had been, none were at the point of suicide. And here Alec was, very literally tilting on the edge of a cliff, ready to plummet without any fear of hitting the bottom. A minute amount of hope remained, he wanted to not be lonely anymore, but the wanting wasn’t always enough; now he needed the _doing_ part. Getting the energy for that was one of the most difficult things in life.

When the next morning arose, Magnus padded out to the front room to find Alec still asleep. There had been no movement whatsoever. He had slept solidly and in the exact same position, which was odd but Magnus knew all sort of symptoms came with depression and solid, deep sleep, almost paralysis, was one of them. So Magnus let him sleep, he wouldn’t wake him yet. He thought it would be interesting to see what kind of time he slept in to, another subtle form of analysis Magnus didn’t want to use but he would.

Magnus had to be in work for his first session at ten o’clock, so he couldn’t wait around but, at the same time, he didn’t want Alec to wake up in a strange apartment by himself. His choices were limited. Nine o’clock came and went, and Alec did not stir. Magnus then had to resort to the use of the note, placing it on the table next to where Alec slept. It read:

_Alexander,_

_I’m afraid I have to go to work and I will not be here when you wake, but I assure you, I am not abandoning you. You can remain here until I return if you so wish, and I shall be back after seven, I promise._

_There’s food in the fridge and drinks in the cupboard, take what you wish. Watch TV, read my books, sleep, do whatever you would like. If you want to go home, I will not, in the slightest way, be offended. If you do not know which way is home, please stay and I will help you when I return. I sincerely do not want you to get lost again and be forced to sleep outside as that would not be fair on you._

_If you, for absolutely any reason, need to contact me, you can reach me with this number or this email address or, if you cannot get to me through these, there is my office number if necessary._

Magnus wrote the necessary contact details down and left Alec’s phone and wallet by to the note for Alec had not been worried about their whereabouts when he returned to Magnus’ apartment the previous night. He then finished the note with:

_I hope you slept well and I will see you soon._

_Love Magnus._

He wasn’t entirely sure the ‘love’ was appropriate but once he had written it, he had written it, so he let it be. Then he was gone, off on his busy day to give counsel and to help those who needed it.

* * *

When Alec dreamt, it was the same thing each time; he was falling, or he was running, or he was doing something continuously, and it never stopped. Constantly he would fall without a glimmer of it coming to an end. Endlessly doing things he could never escape, those were his dreams.

That was what his life was like too. He was moving throughout time, endlessly walking or passing through, not noticing the world around him. His dreams, or rather his nightmares, mirrored his life. The one place where someone should be able to escape the horrors of the day and Alec couldn’t even do that. He failed at everything.

There was a moment of panic when he awoke for he didn’t know where he was or how long he had been asleep. A lot of his mornings, or early afternoons were like that, waking up and not knowing how much time had passed. The clock on the wall read ’12:27’ and the light that came from the windows signalled it was day time. He had been asleep for almost twenty-four hours and he felt an urge to get ready and not waste the rest of the afternoon, even though he had wasted an entire day already.

He sat up and looked around. A few seconds of confusion passed before Alec realised where he was, but there was no sign of Magnus anywhere. Not liking the sound of his own voice, Alec stood up and looked down the corridor but there was no one in sight. He sat down again, hopelessness consuming him as the realisation he had been abandoned settled in.

Then he saw the note underneath his phone and wallet and he relaxed for some reason. Reading it over three times, a warmth filled when he read over the words ‘Love Magnus’ but he didn’t know what that was or where it came from. It was odd, so he didn’t linger on it.

Despite the fact he had been left alone, he didn’t feel abandoned. Maybe that had something to do with the fact Magnus had stated in his note that he had not abandoned him, but he didn’t know for sure. Considering his trust levels were at an all-time low with Magnus, he shouldn’t have believed anything he said or wrote, and yet he did.

However, he still wanted to go home, or anywhere else if he was honest. Sure, Magnus had made him feel better and he had looked after him and that was good and unexpected, but he couldn’t help feeling out of place. This wasn’t his home. He didn’t even know where he was and he was stuck there.

And he had never had a friendship start out like this , if it even was a friendship. It could have been normal, for Alec had forgotten what normal felt like. To pick someone up off a bridge and take them home, was that normal? Who met people like that?

Well, Magnus clearly. Perhaps it was normal and Alec had simply missed out on that aspect of life because he had been so absent from the world. Thinking everything through made his head throb and drained him . If he wanted to move, he couldn’t because there was nothing inside him that could make him move, meaning he to stay where he was without a choice.

So, as to make himself comfortable like Magnus had written, he turned the television on and channel surfed half-heartedly. Nothing piqued his interest, which was not out of the ordinary, resulting in him putting on the first film he saw, _‘It’s a Wonderful Life’_ , and looked at his phone.

Of course, the battery was on its way out. He would have gone home to get his charger, but his lack of knowledge as to where he was and his lack of energy stopped that idea in its tracks. His limited choices meant he had to resort to texting Magnus and hoping they shared the same type phone.

_Hi Magnus, this is Alec, my phone is dying and I was wondering if you had a charger for it. Thanks._

Before he sent it, Alec read it fourteen times to make sure it sounded correct. Anxiety made you question everything there was to question. Ten minutes passed and Alec worried he had been lied to or that his text had been rude, of course it hadn’t been, but he panicked all the same.

Then he got his text back, relief washing over him the second he saw Magnus’ name light up his phone. _There is one in my bedroom, it’s plugged into the socket next to my bedside table, it should be easy to find. Sleep well? Xx_

Magnus sent kisses when he texted and Alec was not accustomed to such a thing. He had never sent a kiss in his texts and he didn’t judge people who did send kisses but he felt like you had to know the person rather well to send them. Then again, Alec didn’t understand the levels of friendships and those sorts of things anyway, so perhaps it was something people did from the get go. Normality was not something Alec would ever understand.

 _Yeah, it was warmer than outside, thanks for that. Sorry I slept in though,_  Alec texted back.

Down the corridor, Alec found two doors on each side and one at the end which read ‘Bathroom’, so his options for Magnus’ bedroom had been lessened slightly. This was not going to be fun, Alec ventured, but he had hoped Magnus’ bedroom would be obvious the second he opened the correct door.

Behind the first door on the left, a bed lay and Alec thought he had gotten it right on the first try, but he didn’t. This room did not scream ‘Magnus Bane’. It was a spare bedroom, with plain, white sheets, a new looking wardrobe and chest of drawers to match, and a desk underneath the window. It wasn’t a used room, and not intriguing at all, so Alec closed the door and went to the next one.

This room did not have a bed, but it did have a lot of furniture. A couple of tables had some chairs surrounding them, there was a window seat, and lots low seated chairs as well. In the far right hand corner, there was a speaker set and a record player, and there lay a few bookshelves full to the brim of books lining an entire wall. As well as all of that, there was a television set in the closest right hand corner with a DVD player and a box set to the right, presumably full of DVDs. This was a chill-out room to the fullest and Alec felt calmer simply by walking in.

But it still wasn’t Magnus’ bedroom, so on he went. The room behind the second door on the right was empty. There were curtains and it had wallpaper and wooden flooring, but nothing else. It was bare. It made Alec curious as to why such an extravagant man had such an empty room, but Magnus wasn’t there to ask and Alec didn’t want to appear nosy either.

That left the last room, which was typical. Alec felt guilty for prying but Magnus had sort of invited him to do so, hadn’t he? There wasn’t any other way for Alec to find out where Magnus’ bedroom was, making this the only way; to pry and sneak.

The last room was the most intriguing of them all. It was, of course, Magnus’ bedroom and there would have been no doubt in Alec’s mind about that if he had entered this room first. The bedsheets for the king sized bed was luxurious, a deep purple cover with a mauve runner at the bottom and matching mauve pillow cases. The wardrobe lined the entire opposite wall in its deep oak colour with one of the sliding doors being a mirror from floor to ceiling.

There were two bedside tables with matching, elegant lamps on. The ceiling light resembled a miniature chandelier and it lay above the centre of the room where, on the carpeted flooring, a magnificent rug lay with intricate patterns. The room itself was spectacular in every meaning of the word and Alec wondered as to why someone so glorious went picking up suicidal people on Golden Gate Bridge. Life was full of confusion.

After looking around the room, consciously taking down the details he found interesting, like the door sliding to the right of the wardrobe being more battered than the door that slid to the left, and the window was crusted around the top where it had been open in the same position for a long length of time, Alec started searching for the socket. There were a couple but only one had two plugs plugged in, one for the lamp and the other with the phone charger. Thankfully Raziel was being kind and the charger connected to Alec’s phone too.

 _You don’t need to apologise for sleeping Alexander. I hope you weren’t too panicked by being alone this morning, I didn’t want to leave you but I had to, I had an appointment. I hope you can forgive me Xx,_ Magnus’ text came through on Alec’s phone, frightening him as it buzzed on the table.

He connected his phone to the charger and awkwardly sat on Magnus’ bed, not sure if he should take the whole plug and find another socket in the front room or remain where he was. A deliberation went on his head, the positives and negatives weighing heavily against each other over such a small thing but, eventually, he decided to stay there as he was comfortable on Magnus’ soft bed.

 _I understand, I didn’t expect you to wait around for me and stop your life just because I was in your apartment,_  Alec wrote. Then he added: _There’s no need for me to forgive you._

He wondered if he should send a kiss, but he didn’t feel like it was right. Well, he didn’t feel like anything was right. Ever. Having to figure out the right things to do and never being sure if it was actually the right thing, that made life more and more hellish every day. There were days when Alec wanted to curl up and hope no one would expect anything from him ever again because he never knew what to do and what not to do. Constantly, he was questioning his actions and other people’s actions and it was so tragically unfair on his already tired mind, but he couldn’t stop.

No matter how much he wanted to, he could never stop. The way he was programmed, the way he was, this was it. This was the way he had always been and the way he would always be. There was no chance this was fair or just or right, but what could Alec do to change it? Nothing is the answer.

Before he even knew it, six hours had passed and Magnus had texted him to say he was on his way home. He had done nothing all day, he hadn’t eaten, and he hadn’t moved. The whole day had been spent watching the world pass beneath Magnus’ window, San Francisco roaring by in its day to day life, never ceasing to be busy. Quite unlike Alec.

Out of politeness, Alec started the kettle when Magnus texted that he was coming up the stairs. The familiar sound of the kettle boiling warmed Alec’s heart. He loved coffee and its bitter taste and, when he had working electricity in his apartment, he would have the kettle going nonstop. He couldn’t do that anymore, but it was pleasant to remember.

When Magnus came through the door, Alec started worrying at his lip, his heart beating faster than normal. That had to be because he was awaiting the owner of the apartment, right? There was no other reason that he was fiddling with his buttons incessantly and couldn’t find a comfortable position to stand in. It had to be because he was in Magnus’ apartment. He leant himself against the counter in the kitchen area, in full view, and waited for Magnus to enter.

Suave was the only word Alec could find to describe Magnus when he saw him, in his suit and waistcoat, carrying a briefcase. He was like one of those businessmen you saw in films, he was the vision of sophistication. He didn’t look real. And yet here he was, greeting Alec with a smile as he put his briefcase on the kitchen counter.

“Good evening.” Magnus beamed at Alec who gave a minor smile in return. “What have you done today then?”

“Nothing.” Alec answered, biting his lip hard enough to taste iron.

Magnus did not appear fazed by this as he continued to do his ‘back from work’ ritual, taking off his jacket, unbuttoning his waistcoat, removing his shoes, and fiddling about in the kitchen as Alec didn’t know where everything was. The kettle was boiled by this point, and Alec felt proud that he had managed to contribute in some way.

“A relaxed day is always amazing, I’m jealous.” He smiled again. “I was wondering, is there anyone back at your place who’s going to be curious as to where you are?”

Alec shook his head.

“Oh okay.” Magnus said, making two cups of coffee without even having to ask Alec. “Do you want to stay here tonight or do you want to go home?”

Alec didn’t want to have to say it but he knew what his answer was. Waking up like he had today, knowing there would be someone there with him was so much better than waking up and knowing he would be alone. Feeling lonely in your own apartment, that was unlike a lot of things people felt. No one should feel lonely at home, and it didn’t even feel like home to him.

But he didn’t want to be a burden. He didn’t want Magnus to feel pressured because Alec wanted to stay. And then there was the fact that he didn’t even know why he wanted to stay. Magnus hadn’t been upfront with him, making their ‘friendship’ have a not so trustworthy start. But then again, he had just let Alec stay in his apartment alone, so there had to be some level of trust there.

Everything was such a battle in his head. Even the smallest of things needed debating. He hated it.

“Alec?” Magnus asked, signalling he had been silent for a while. “You won’t offend me if you want to go.”

“Can I stay?” Alec almost didn’t ask but he managed to get it out, quietly at that.

“Of course you can, I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t mean it.” Magnus reassured, offering Alec his cup of coffee.

“You don’t have to say it though, if you don’t want me here.” Alec felt the need to reiterate his point for fear of pressuring Magnus in any way.

Magnus made his way to the sofa as he spoke, Alec following suit. “I assure you from my very core, I would much prefer you to stay here with me where we can have a bundle of fun than if you went back to your apartment and were devoid of my company.”

They both sat on the same sofa, a distance between them, and Magnus put his feet up on the table with ease as Alec sat rigidly in the corner.

“I don’t have an appointment until two tomorrow afternoon, so do you want to do something?” Magnus asked as he turned the television on.

“I don’t really feel up to doing much.”

“We can do whatever you want.” Magnus said.

Alec preferred for other people to make decisions, he enjoyed sitting back and going along with what everyone else decided. So Magnus decided they should go to a park that lay around the corner from the apartment where they could sit and relax in the sun. That way, there was no pressure on either of them, they could rest for the few hours they had in each other’s company with nothing obligatory placed upon them. That was definitely something Alec favoured to going to restaurants or things of that ilk.

At around eight, Magnus ordered a pizza for them to share. Although Alec only had one and a half slices, it was still, technically, sharing. Fortunately, Magnus didn’t seem to notice Alec’s lack of hunger. They spent the rest of the day watching television and engaging in delicate conversation where Alec actually joined in for once.

The next day, they went to the park and sat there mainly in silence. It was warm and the sun settled on his skin, thankfully not enough to make him sweat. Occasionally, they had a conversation about nothing important and it didn’t strain Alec at all. It was odd he felt as comfortable as he did in Magnus’ company but he didn’t complain.

Even when Magnus bought them food to eat from a café, Alec didn’t feel obliged to him. Something about Magnus said he wasn’t going to be one of those people who left Alec high and dry. No one had ever really taken Alec to a park to make him destress. Sure, people had done nice things for him, but strangers had never done so. Perhaps Magnus would be good for him after all.

For the next few weeks, Alec remained in Magnus’ apartment comfortably. To be in such a strange place for almost an entire month and not feel out of place was peculiar for him but he could tell this was a good thing. He was immersing himself in things he wasn’t accustom to, but that was good. Sometimes being out of your comfort zone wasn’t always the worst thing.

Most of his days was spent texting Magnus and watching terrible daytime television. Usually he would feel culpable about doing that and only that but something about Magnus’ reassurance, saying it was fine to do that if it was all he could do made Alec feel not so guilty, which was a considerable improvement.

Despite not necessarily wanting to stay around Magnus’ apartment consistently for around a month, Alec didn’t leave. Magnus reassured him he could stay as long as he wanted, and Alec did. After the first days of feeling awkward as Magnus came home from work without doing anything, he relaxed. Somehow, it felt normal. Then again, Alec didn’t know what was normal and what wasn’t, so perhaps he was feeling like it was normal because it wasn’t. Questioning things was not Alec’s style however, so he continued without wondering at everything in his life.

Now, he still felt exhausted and there still wasn’t an awful lot of bliss going on, but the thoughts inside his head weren’t constantly dark. On every occasion he thought about what it would be like to not exist anymore, but then he also had thoughts about how being around wasn’t the worst thing in the world either. He was conflicted in his mind but in a different way from before.

Of course, Alec didn’t feel much better, but being in an apartment that wasn’t always empty did ease his mind. Being in a place that wasn’t devoid of people made his head fuller too. Constant reassurance from Magnus, his constant smiles, these things all helped Alec loosen up. This beginning to a friendship might have been a positive thing because he hadn’t felt the need to teeter on the edge of a bridge since the day he had been doing exactly that.

Every now and again, Magnus said something that complimented Alec discreetly and Alec held onto those compliments and thought about them for hours on end. One time Magnus said he was proud of how far Alec had come since they had met and Alec smiled more than he had smiled in a few years. Another time, Magnus commented that he thought Alec had the most beautiful blue eyes he had ever seen, and Alec’s face had burnt like fire and he rushed off to the toilet so Magnus did not see what a fool he was.

Over the course of those weeks, the days started to pass slower, and Alec paid more attention too. Clearly, Magnus’ company and his subtle counselling techniques, that Alec knew he was doing but didn’t comment on because he noticed they weren’t having the worst effect on him, were getting Alec healthier. Although it sounds odd, perhaps almost jumping off Golden Gate Bridge had been the best thing for him.

He awoke in the spare bedroom on Saturday morning, well, almost morning as it had just past twelve, without such a weight on his shoulders. Sure, he still slept too much and he didn’t like changing his clothes, but this was something. This was the first morning where his body wasn't rigid with tension.

Changing only his jeans, as Magnus had given him some clothes to borrow since he was going to being staying a while, Alec left the room and found Magnus at his desk, writing. He always had something to write or something to read. Everywhere he went, Magnus took a pen and a notepad. Sometimes he didn’t write a single thing and sometimes he came back having written reams. Alec didn’t know what he wrote or why he did it so often, all he could see was that he enjoyed it and after having spent so much time with Magnus, he could see that divulging yourself into the things you enjoyed were important.

So Alec was trying, every day, to find something he enjoyed. He had come up with nothing. Television wasn’t his thing, reading required too much attention and his span still hadn’t improved, and taking walks made his mind wander too far to corners that were too sombre. There was so much out there in the world to try and Alec couldn’t find a single thing he wanted to do. For sure, Alec was not cured of his sick mind and there were miles and miles to go before he would be. But taking a step in the right direction was something.

“Good afternoon.” Magnus greeted, somehow always aware of Alec’s presence.

“Hi.” Alec said, going to the counter to reheat his coffee Magnus had made him. This time, it was tepid instead of freezing, which was a bonus.

“What do you want to do today?” Magnus asked, looking around from his computer to watch Alec.

Magnus did that a lot; he would ask Alec what he wanted to do, consistently hoping for a response but rarely getting one. Alec could see his reasoning behind it; when Alec would find something he wanted to do, he was getting better and finding things he enjoyed. It would be a long time until that happened.

However, he knew he had something specific to do, and he would like Magnus’ help if he could get it. If he could ask for it. “My rent is due on Wednesday. I need to drop the money off into my landlord’s letterbox.” Alec answered, sipping at his ever-growing-cold coffee.

“Oh okay.” Magnus said. “Do you want me to come with you?”

Giving a short nod of his head, Alec said, “Only if you don’t have better things to do.”

“Of course I don’t.” Magnus said and he gave Alec that smile that lit up his entire face, making Alec strangely warm inside. “Do you want to go now?”

Alec would prefer to get it over and done with. He didn’t like being in his apartment, it was empty and lonely and it reminded him of all the dark things in his life. The quicker he could get in and out, the better.

* * *

Magnus and Alec made their way to Alec’s apartment on foot. They took a stroll, going through as many parks as possible as Magnus had come to realise Alec enjoyed going to parks, they had some sort of calming effect on him.

Over the course of that month, Magnus had seen Alec improve since the first day he had met him. He smiled now, they came rare and far between, but they were there. Sometimes the smiles were small and fleeting but they lit up his face so fantastically, making his brilliant blue eyes shimmer for milliseconds before it was gone again. Magnus realised he rather liked it when Alec smiled, most likely because it meant he was getting better, right? Well, whatever the reason was, Magnus intended to make it happen often.

When they turned the corner to a dodgy area of San Francisco, Magnus thought Alec had made a mistake or perhaps they were going through a shortcut. Then he realised he was wrong in that assumption for he saw Alec’s apartment building. It was not pleasant.

It was a dull grey, not the colour of other apartment buildings, but a faded one that merged into the background as if it never wanted to exist. Windows were smashed all the way to the top and the main door was crooked meaning anyone could enter if they wish. However. Magnus got the impression no one would want to go in unless they had to for even the fire escape steps were broken through. They would be helping no one in need of a quick getaway.

The moment he stepped into the building, he felt dirty. Everything inside was dim, the lights not giving any light whatsoever. Spider webs galore hung from the ceiling and every corner, and the bannister was thick with grime. The two doors on the bottom floor were cracked and the numbers were hanging off perilously. The whole building looked like it was on the edge of collapsing.

Alec lived on the fourteenth floor and the elevator had not been working for around three years apparently, so up the stairs they went. Magnus made it his business to not touch a single thing as he went up, not even the walls that were seventy different shades of brown. Feeling inappropriate for being in such a filthy place, he followed Alec up, wondering what sort of predicament had brought him into this neighbourhood.

After Alec had gone through his door, he informed Magnus it had been broken since the day he had got it and all you had to do was hold it a certain way and it would fly open. This was not what Magnus would have liked to hear but Alec did not seem fazed. In Magnus went as well, the loneliness Alec had felt before amplified by the place he had been living.

It was atrocious. There were three rooms, the main room, the bedroom, and the bathroom, and that was it. The kitchen consisted of three counters, a stool, a cracked oven, and an open fridge with no light. A kettle lay to the side of the oven, one that boiled by going over the stove, and it was black and it too was cracked, rendering it useless.

The rest of the main room contained a ripped, brown sofa. There was nothing else. No TV, no other chairs, no table, nothing. It was bare. No curtains on the only window which was an unfortunate shade of chartreuse, no rugs, just a brown carpet that was ripped at certain intervals to reveal the floorboard beneath.

And the bedroom was no better. There was a metal frame, the thinnest mattress Magnus had ever seen, and one mustard coloured sheet. He had no pillows, no wardrobe, no table or clock or even a lamp. In the corner, his clothes were meticulously folded but there wasn’t many, perhaps four pairs of jeans and three shirts. He had a coat on the corner of the bed and that was all he had to his name.

Magnus had been through some tough times in his life but he had never lived like this, with nothing to his name but a few items of clothing, a bed sheet, and a ripped sofa. The emptiness Alec was feeling was paralleled in this apartment and it made Magnus want to go and hug him tighter than anyone had ever hugged anyone in their entire lives.

Attempting to turn the lights on and finding the place had no electricity either, Magnus gave up and found Alec on the floor, pulling up a floorboard to reveal a small, metal case. On it there was a miniature padlock with the key already in. When he opened it, Magnus looked away, not wanting to pry into something Alec was trying to keep private.

“How long have you lived here Alec?” Magnus asked as he sat on the stool in the kitchen, which was more rickety than he had been prepared for.

“A few years.” Alec said.

“Has it always been so…” Magnus struggled to find a word that fit what he was trying to say.

“Unfurnished?” Alec affirmed. “No. Well, I mean I never, you know, furnished it. There used to be more but I couldn’t pay the rent a couple of months ago, so the bailiffs came in and took a lot of my stuff, this is all they left.”

Magnus turned back to Alec then who was counting some shrivelled up notes from the metal case. There wasn’t many. “Do you have enough to pay this month?” Magnus asked but he feared he already knew the answer.

“Yeah, yeah.” Alec’s answer was half-hearted. “I sold some more stuff afterwards, I got the money up.” He didn’t sound confident.

“Alec, if you need some extra cash, I can help. I don’t mind, really.” Magnus offered. “Though I don’t know why anyone would pay to live here.” He joked and caught a glimmer of Alec’s smile that made his heart flutter.

“I wouldn’t feel comfortable borrowing money.” Alec said, glancing at Magnus before replacing the floorboard and taking the now empty metal box to leave on the kitchen counter, his dollars in hand.

“Can you afford it this month?” Magnus repeated but Alec’s lack of eye contact was answer enough.

“I’ll get an extension, I’m sure.” Alec, by his tone, was not sure.

“Let me help, the money is not an issue, I promise.”

More persuasion was needed before Alec felt comfortable accepting Magnus’ money. Then, because Alec had under two hundred dollars to his name, Magnus suggested he give Alec all the money for the rent because he didn’t want Alec to become penniless. It was a fair few hundred dollars and Magnus could see why Alec was reluctant but Magnus was incessant. And, when Magnus was intent, he was not going to change his mind.

“Are you going to come back to mine or… Are you going to stay here?” Magnus asked, gesturing around to the minimalist apartment. “Because if you’re coming back to mine, maybe you should bring some clothes.”

“I don’t have anything to take my clothes in. If you don’t want me to come back, that’s fine, I can stay here.” Alec said as he began to leave the apartment.

There was something about Alec’s tone, the way he said things that made it seem as though he didn’t expect anything from anyone. It was clear he wore his heart on his sleeve and everything he said he meant. He didn’t say things the way some people did, with an accusing tone or to get dappled in compliments to make himself feel better. And it was usually the people who wore their hearts on their sleeves that got beaten the most by life. And his expressions too, they were the most readable Magnus had ever seen. With everything Magnus was, he would make sure he kept those traits because they were beautiful and almost innocent.

Those who wore their hearts on their sleeves got their hearts broken the most. And Alec had been a very broken man. He still was broken but the pieces were coming back together, slowly but surely. That was the most important thing.

“I would like to thoroughly apologise if I have ever given the impression I would not like to keep you around.” Magnus said as they descended the stairs.

“You haven’t given that impression.” Alec reassured, glancing back to Magnus with a brief smile. “I don’t want to outstay my welcome, that’s all.”

The two of them reached the bottom after Magnus had reassured Alec he had yet to stay out his welcome and that it would be a long time indeed before he did. They made their way to the door labelled ‘1’ and Alec knocked gently on the part of the door that was not broken. A few seconds passed and a man opened it with a disgruntled face.

He had fair hair and very dark eyes, they were almost black. At around six feet tall, he was shorter than both Alec and Magnus but he had the air of someone formidable enough to make others shrink before him. Even with a loose shirt on, Magnus could see he was muscular and Magnus would have considered him good looking but the contempt in his eyes made him think otherwise.

“What?” The man said, looking more at Magnus than Alec who had shrunk.

“I have the rent Valentine.” Alec said in a small voice, directing the man’s, Valentine’s, attention towards him.

“All of it this time?” Valentine asked as he grabbed the money from Alec’s hand and began counting it vigorously.

“Yes.” Alec answered, glancing at Magnus, trying to make it so Magnus did not hear what Valentine had said. Of course Magnus would not judge him, but Alec worried about everything.

“Hm.” Valentine counted through the money a second time to make sure he had done it right.

“Hey dad,” A voice called from behind Magnus and Alec, “The Branwell’s need an extension on the rent again.”Magnus looked around to see a boy, around the same age as Alec, coming down the stairs gracefully. He looked much like Valentine but slenderer. His fair hair, that made his pale skin stand out with more colour, was longer than his father’s, styled back in one fell swoop. Somehow his eyes were darker with more intent but his youthful face gave off what appeared to be false front. There was a pleasantness in his looks, something kind which contrasted starkly when you focused on his eyes.

“Did you tell them this would be the last time they could get one?” Valentine asked as he finally seemed satisfied with Alec’s rent.

“I did.” The boy answered.

By the time, Magnus noted, Alec had seen the boy come down the stairs, he had deflated further. His already pale face lost even more colour and his eyes turned dull. After stopping breathing for a solid few seconds, he breathed in a laboured fashion, his eyes not leaving the newcomer.

The boy, upon spotting Alec, grinned wolfishly and leaned against the bannister. “Hey Alec.” He greeted, flexing his muscles.

“Thanks Alec.” Valentine said in a gruff voice, not appearing thankful whatsoever. “The same next month.” After obliviously interrupting their encounter, Valentine finished with, “Sebastian, go and fetch the package at the post office and then collect the rents from the other building,” Before he closed the door on the three of them.

“Hi Seb.” Alec greeted once he had managed to swallow.

Magnus watched on. When this newcomer, Sebastian, looked at Magnus, he could see the evil behind those eyes. Magnus felt his blood begin to boil underneath such a glare but he stared back, tempting him to do something if he so should.

“Who’s this?” Sebastian asked, still staring at Magnus but directing his question to Alec.

“This is a friend of mine.” Alec’s voice was minute compared to Sebastian’s thundering one.

“Hm.” Sebastian swept his eyes up and down Magnus, licking his teeth as he did before he looked to Alec, the evil fading from his face instantly as he looked into his blue eyes. “I haven’t seen you around here in a while. I’ve missed you.” His grin spread across his face but his eyes didn’t light up, not the way they should have.

Magnus did not like him.

“Sorry.” Alec offered, tensing up. “I’ve been busy.”

“Well I very much wish you hadn’t, I like to see your face around.”

Sebastian was staring at Alec without any intention of averting his gaze. It was making Magnus uncomfortable and he wasn’t even the one being stared at. This whole situation was making Magnus curious as to what their relationship was or what it had been but he assumed it wasn’t the best considering how stiff Alec had become.

The silence had taken an awkward level, indicating that Alec was not comfortable in Sebastian’s presence, so Magnus decided to make a move. “Shall we go now then Alec? We do have to be somewhere, remember.”

Thankfully, Alec got the hint. Or perhaps he didn’t and he was just that eager to leave, all he heard was ‘go now.’ “Okay.” Alec answered.

But Sebastian did not give up easily. “Which way you going, maybe I could tag along?”

Somehow, Alec tensed further, but Magnus was not the type to let things escape his grasp. He knew how to handle the situation. “We’re catching the ferry in about ten minutes, I’ve called a cab to pick us up from the next street. Sorry, I don’t think we’re going the same way.”

“I could walk with y- " Sebastian began.

Magnus cut him off. “I think we’re okay.” He gave Sebastian a smile, with a little malice behind it, daring him to persist. “Thanks though.”

Sebastian’s eyes grew darker but Magnus would not budge for such a man. And then there was poor Alec, stuck in between them both. But Magnus was a saviour and he knew how to help.

“Come on Alec, let’s go.” Magnus repeated and he let Alec move before him, Magnus exiting the building as Sebastian stared him down. His eyes were burning a hole in the back of his head but he would not give him the satisfaction of looking back a final time. Magnus was better than that.

The two of them walked in silence for a moment, Alec walking faster than he had before. Magnus stayed quiet too, waiting for everything to pass before he asked about it. Curiosity was, however, getting the better of him. And, even though curiosity killed the cat, satisfaction brought it back, and Magnus loved satisfaction.

“Who was that?” Magnus prompted after they had rounded the corner, his building out of sight.

Even though Alec did not seem to have a destination in mind, he kept walking and Magnus followed alongside him, more curious about his answer than where Alec was going.

“He’s just my landlord’s son.” Alec said without looking at Magnus.

“Just that? He’s not anything else to you?” Magnus was pressing him for more but he got the feeling Alec wasn’t in the mood to reply.

All Alec did was shake his head, so Magnus did not ask anything further. When Alec felt ready, he would tell Magnus, all he had to do was wait for that time to come.

“Where are we going now?” Alec asked, still walking ahead as if he already had the answer. Alec was not the type of person who made decisions, he never enjoyed having the final word.

“Do you want to stop somewhere for a late lunch?” Magnus asked, although he knew he would only get a shrug in reply.

As was the way, Alec shrugged, stopping walking and facing Magnus as they attempted to make a decision. Well, as _Magnus_ attempted to make a decision.

“We could go to Fraiche. It’s cute and it serves good hot chocolate.” Magnus suggested, knowing there would be no protesting.

Fraiche was a small café located in the midst of the city, it wasn’t a hectic or noisy place. Being pleasant and quiet, Magnus knew Alec would prefer to go here than to somewhere that was buzzing or with a queue to get in. In this café, you could unwind and there was no pressure to rush or panic and Magnus knew that that was better than most places you went to.

They both ordered after they sat themselves down by a window and they waited in that comfortable silence Magnus loved being in. However, his mind was not quiet. There was something nagging at the back of his mind and it wasn’t only about this Sebastian character he had just met. It was something Alec had said back in his apartment, about selling things to pay for his rent.

From stepping into that apartment, you could tell the owner did not own many extravagances. And, from the way Alec had spoken about it, he didn’t own a lot before the bailiffs came in either. So what kind of things did he have left to sell? Which made Magnus wonder, was it personal things the bailiffs would not see much worth in? And if that was the case, what did that leave Alec with? A few items of clothing and a sofa?

An urge to ask Alec what it was he had sold came over Magnus then, but it didn’t feel appropriate. If it was personal items, Alec would feel the need to talk about personal things and Magnus knew Alec did not like to do such a thing. And then there was the chance Magnus was looking into this all too deeply, that maybe Alec had lots of things to sell after the bailiffs came.

The latter did not seem likely, and Magnus’ urge to ask did not go away. “Alec,” Magnus began, bringing Alec’s attention that had been connected to a tree blowing lightly in the breeze to him, “What did you sell to pay for your rent?”

A few seconds of recollection passed through Alec’s eyes before he answered. “The bailiffs took pretty much all the expensive things, so I didn’t have a lot. I went down to that market they have once a month, do you know the one? By the ferry? Yeah, well, I took my DVD player, all of my DVDs, and some clothes there. They didn’t sell well, about four hundred bucks actually but then the girl I sold to, she saw this ring that was given to me by father. She said because it was made of silver, it was worth quite a bit, and she offered me two grand for it and I couldn’t exactly turn that down in the state I was in.”

“You sold a family heirloom?” Magnus asked, not because he thought it was an offensive thing to do, but a tragic thing instead.

“I know, that makes me a terrible person but I can’t ask my parents for money. I just can’t.” Alec explained and Magnus’ heart sunk.

“That doesn’t make you a terrible person.” Magnus reassured. “Which girl bought it off you?” Magnus asked.

“Um,” Alec thought for a moment, “I think it was Lily, do you know the one? She’s there every time.”

Magnus nodded along. He knew Lily well as she had come for counselling sessions a few times. She was a bright girl, looked down upon, although there was no need for it. Her front was merely that, she was a young girl placed in a terrible position and she dealt with it admirably. Magnus had to contact her again now, after their sessions had ended a few months back, but he did not tell Alec that.

They ate slowly and without much conversation. Magnus found himself watching Alec throughout their meal. Alec would take breaks between what he ate, almost between every mouthful, sitting back to watch the world pass. When he watched the world go by, the worry lines in his face faded like they did when he slept. It was almost as if, when he was watching and not participating, he felt calm, at a level of serenity that came with sleeping, where there was no reason or cause to worry.

More and more often, Magnus found himself admiring Alec’s features. Mainly, Magnus believed, because Alec wasn’t worrying as much and he left more time for Magnus to study him, but perhaps there was another reason altogether. Magnus would not muse about any of that, however.

Alec’s pale skin shone underneath the light of the sun, and there was something so brilliant about the colour of his skin in contrast to his thick, black hair. The stark difference made him look paler but he never looked ill. Despite the emptiness in what he had been through so far, he still managed to look full of life, he never looked sickly compared to how he felt. The way his hair, considerably too long, brushed across his face and occasionally into his eyes made Magnus yearn to brush it away and tuck it behind his ears but he couldn’t account as to why he felt like that.

Maybe it was because his blue eyes were so beautiful, they should never be hidden from the world. They were like kyanites, glistening under every light that beamed into them. When the two made eye contact, Magnus got lost as they were so pure and full. Sometimes Magnus struggled to find anything he could call as beautiful as those eyes.

Once in a while, Magnus found his eyes trailing down, to his pale throat and, when he wore the right clothing, his collarbones. Now, Magnus would not be the first to admit he adored a good pair of shoulders and collarbones, but he certainly wouldn’t admit he liked the look of Alec’s, especially to his face. Sometimes they sent Magnus’ thoughts to places he knew they shouldn’t go, but one thought every now and again wasn’t too bad, right?

And it certainly wasn’t as if Alec’s body wasn’t meant for anyone’s thoughts to go anywhere else. Magnus liked to wear tight clothing, so even his baggy clothes were tighter than they should have been. That meant the clothes Alec wore were, perhaps, a tad tighter than he would have liked but he didn’t complain. Magnus also did not complain because it showed off his body, and it was a _glorious_ body. It was odd he managed to keep muscled considering Alec did not eat a lot and he did not have the energy to work out, but perhaps he was just one of the lucky ones. If he didn’t have to worry about looking too thin, his mind could focus on panicking about other things, so there was a silver lining there somewhere. His body was a wonderful thing and Magnus found himself thinking about it even when he wasn’t with Alec.

This was what he was doing on a sunny Thursday morning as he made his way to work, two weeks after their encounter with Alec’s building. His first appointment of the day was with a man named Will who strikingly resembled Alec in a lot of ways. They shared the same black hair and blue eyes that had led his mind astray to thinking about Alec and the way his eyes glistened when he smiled. And then Magnus was thinking about all the times he had managed to make Alec smile and how marvellous those times had been.

Over the past two weeks, Alec had begun smiling more. He had continued to stay over at Magnus’ apartment and Magnus enjoyed Alec’s company more and more each day. He had begun to speak more often too, occasionally initiating the conversation himself, once or twice even suggesting what they could do with their days. Despite Magnus loving his job, he found himself yearning to be at home all of a sudden.

With him opening up, Alec’s personality was shining through and Magnus found he rather liked Alec’s company. His sense of humour, although different to Magnus’, was still comical and he had a sense of sarcasm that Magnus adored completely. The two had starting sharing many encounters together where they laughed for ages at something the other had done or said. At first, Magnus could tell Alec did not enjoy laughing, that he didn’t like his own laugh, but eventually he had laughed so hard at a sarcastic comment Magnus had made about one of the newsreaders on TV, he had opened up and begun laughing like he wanted to.

His laugh was infectious. His very being was infectious and Magnus cursed the world for taking that laugh away. The world was cruel for making someone so beautiful and so loving hate themselves and everything around them. Breaking this gorgeous human being into the person he had become was a travesty and Magnus was making it his personal goal to bring him back to the person he should be, and so far, it was working.

There was still a long way to go and Magnus did not doubt that for a single second. But every time he laughed, every time he smiled, every time he did something that contrasted to the way a depressed person would act, that was taking a step to becoming the clear headed, happy person he should be. Each step was worth something in the long run, Magnus had learnt that the hard way.

Once Magnus had reached his office, he opened the door and set himself up for Will to come in, which should have been in fifteen minutes. However, Will wasn’t the best timekeeper, so Magnus knew it could be half an hour until he saw Will. Even though it was his sixth session, Will still couldn’t get his head around how early or late to leave, but Magnus did not judge him.

Twenty-five minutes later, Will was knocking on his door hurriedly as if that could make up for his lateness. He rushed in, apologising forty times before he sat down in his usual chair. After reassuring he was okay with it as long as he knew it was his time he was taking up anyway, Magnus sat down in his own chair, notebook and pen in hand, and got himself ready for the session.

“How have you been since the last time we saw each other?” Magnus asked, watching Will’s blue eyes. Will’s eyes, although the same shade as Alec’s, were very different. There was an intensity in his eyes, the blue pools dark and full of a deeper intrigue than most.

Will adored eye contact. It was as if he was trying to figure everything out, everyone’s past, present, and thoughts through their eyes. And Magnus, being a man who liked to cater to others, looked back. Whilst some might have considered this to be an awkward encounter, it was not. It was something personal, very real, and it made Will feel comfortable. Will’s eyes were also beautiful and Magnus was not going to avoid looking into them whatsoever.

“Fine. Nothing out of the norm.” Will said.

He was lying. He lied a lot, Magnus found. After their many hours together, Magnus had come to realise Will lied to everyone about everything and, although he had no reason to lie to Magnus as he was his counsellor, he still did. Every single time without fail.

“Nothing at all?” Magnus pressed to ease out the truth.

“Nope.” Will shrugged. “Totally normal.” He flashed a smile.

It would not deter Magnus, despite his smile being enticing. “Are you sure? I get the feeling that, perhaps, you’re holding back. Did you go and visit your family like I suggested?”

Finally, Will relaxed into his chair. This had become a tell that he was going to start speaking the truth, so Magnus too relaxed, preparing his pen to write something down.

“No I didn’t visit them but that’s not necessarily a bad thing, I know that. It takes time right?”

He was looking for confirmation, and Magnus would give it, in a small dose. “It does take time.” He agreed. “But you’ve been putting this off for almost five weeks. You’ve told me on multiple occasions you want to go and see them, to make things right after you left, and you know you’ve putting it off for all those reasons you said, so what’s stopping you?”

“I know how they’ll react. That’s what stopping me.”

“How will they react?”

“They’ll forgive me, instantly, as if I hadn’t done anything. They’ll say, ‘oh Will, you’re our son, you’re part of the family, we forgive you.’ And they shouldn’t. Well, I mean they _should_ , but they need time to think about it first, some time to _actually_ forgive me before they just welcome me in. Their forgiveness should come once they know that they _can_ forgive me, it shouldn’t come because we share blood. If it had been someone who wasn’t their family, they wouldn’t forgive them so easily, so why should I be forgiven like that?”

Magnus wrote plenty of that down before he answered the question. The way Will had asked it had made Magnus realise it was not a rhetorical question. “You’ll be forgiven easily because that’s what family do Will. You get it easier because they have more love for you. You’re right, if it had been anyone else, they wouldn’t forgive them so easily, but that’s because they don’t love that someone else as much as they love you.” Magnus paused in case Will was going to respond, but he wasn’t. “Do you not want forgiveness?”

“Of course I do, I just feel like forgiveness is only real when it’s taken time.”

“And do you not think that all this time you’ve been away from them counts? You’ve been gone a while, and that time could have been used by them to think about and consider your forgiveness, am I wrong?”

Will shrugged. “I haven’t asked for it, so I don’t know.”

“Sometimes Will, you don’t always need to ask for forgiveness for it to come.”

“For it to mean something, you do.” Will stated as if that was his life motto. There was an aspect of truth in it, but there was also truth in what Magnus had said. For that reason, it was difficult to understand because, for people like Will, forgiveness was not easy to come by and that was one of his big problems in life.

“Would you not forgive someone then, if they had not asked for it?” Magnus asked after he had written some more things down, ready to write the next answer too.

“It depends on what they did.”

“Elaborate for me, would you?”

There was a pause as Will thought. When pensive, Will’s face was handsome. Like most, there was no worry lines and his face became youthful. He was youthful in reality, but the panic and depression in his life had aged him unfairly. Therefore, when he was in thought and quiet, Magnus couldn’t help but admire his looks.

“If someone had drunk my coke instead of their own and  left before they could apologise, I would forgive them.” Will said. “If my best friend started dating the girl I liked without consulting me first or apologising for not thinking about it, I would not forgive them until they asked for it.”

“Can I ask, is the latter from a real experience?” Magnus asked.

“No.” Will answered and this was the truth. “My best friend wanted to date a girl I liked but refused to because he was my friend. Neither of us ended up dating her because we were too good of friends and she didn’t want to break up our friendship.”

“If the roles had been reversed, and you had started dating someone your friend had feelings for, would you ask for forgiveness?”

“Of course.”

“And you would expect forgiveness?”

“No. I never expect it.”

The two of them spent the rest of the session talking about forgiveness, it being a topic with many branches. And the way Will leaned towards certain topics on forgiveness and not others was telling. For example, he preferred to talk about the forgiveness he had given rather than the forgiveness he had received. When pressed to talk about people accepting his apologies, there was a clear sense of reluctance as he did not like to talk about the wrongs he had done to people. He didn’t seem to understand that everyone does wrong sometimes. Getting him to understand that would be a key step into clearing his mind and getting him better.

At eleven o’clock, their session ended and Will left, happier than he had entered. That was Magnus’ main goal; to make his clients leave happier than when they had come in. If he was honest, that was his goal for life too, to make everyone happier after they had had an encounter with him, maybe that was his ego taking over however.

He glanced at his phone and saw he had a text from Alec, which made his heart flutter, but he would not admit to such a thing. It read: _I had to go out and buy milk. I got lost, can you help me?_ which was sent twenty minutes ago. Once he decided this was going to be a conversation best had talking on the phone, he called Alec.

He answered instantly.

“Hi.” Alec greeted over the phone.

“How did you manage to get lost?” Magnus asked, a smile upon his lips.

“I don’t know, I took the tram like you said, but I don’t think I got off at the right stop. There are signs everywhere but I don’t recognise any of them and I’m really confused. Sorry if I’m interrupting you, but I don’t know where I am.” Alec explained in a rush.

“You aren’t interrupting anything, I don’t have a client until twelve now. What does the nearest sign say?”

There was silence as Alec searched around for something relevant. “There’s one that says ‘Townsend Street.’”

Magnus laughed aloud. “Alec, how did you manage that? You’re close to my office you numpty.”

“I just wanted to get some milk.” Alec sounded exasperated.

“Do you want to pop into my office so I can give you some better directions? Perhaps a map and a personal GPS as well.” Magnus joked and he heard Alec laugh which made him smile further.

“How close is it?”

“About five minutes. If you can walk in the right direction that is.”

“Okay.”

They stayed on the phone as Magnus directed Alec towards his office. Eventually, after some confusion about whose left was the right left, Alec managed to get to his office without getting lost again. Entering Magnus’ office, Alec looked around at everything with wide eyes. The small room before the counselling office had a couple of chairs and big pieces of art but not much else and Magnus presumed he would prefer the next room, so he took him through as it was much more impressive.

With an enormous window at the far end, light poured in. Bookcases filled to the brim lined the walls and there were chairs galore in all shapes and sizes to fit the clients’ preferences. There were three desks, one being Magnus’, and each had a computer and paper and notepads. Much like Magnus’ chill room, which Alec had taken a liking to, there were speakers and a sound system along with other odd bits and bobs made for the exact use of comforting and calming one’s mind. There was a kitchen area as well, with a kettle and the like in case people found comfort around food and drink. Paintings were dotted around the room to pique people’s interests and, by the look of Alec’s face, it had done just that.

Alec walked into the centre, looking all around with a certain caution that made Magnus wonder what he thought of it all. Sometimes, when you grew up with the impression that counsellor’s and their spaces were bad, actually seeing these things and people in person was shocking. This was the impression he got from Alec as he finally seemed to realise, even if it was only minimally, that perhaps everything ‘counselling’ was not as horrific as he had previously thought.

“I suppose you didn’t get any milk.” Magnus jested as Alec brought himself back to reality.

Alec looked at Magnus with a quirked brow. “Does it look or sound like I got milk?” He smiled and Magnus smiled back.

“All right Mr. Sass.” Magnus joked and he saw Alec blush. He quite liked making Alec blush. “Why did you need milk?”

“You didn’t have any and I wanted some coffee.”

“I can make you a cup now, if you want. I was about to have a very appetising lunch of pot noodles, would you care to join me?”

“As long as you promise I’m not interrupting anything.” Alec was such a worrier.

As Magnus made his way to the fridge, he said, “Alec, I’m about to have lunch. You eating lunch with me is not going to exactly interrupt that. In fact, it may even add to my lunch experience.” He threw a grin back to Alec whose face lit up again.

The two ate next to the window, Alec deciding on those seats for the reason Magnus knew well; watching the world go by was his favourite thing to do. The silence that came with their eating was calming but Magnus got the feeling something was on Alec’s mind, the way he kept glancing at Magnus as if he was trying to find the best time to speak up.

Around ten minutes passed before he finally did. 

“What’s counselling like?” He asked.

Magnus was not expecting this to be on his mind.

“Being in counsel or giving the counsel?” Magnus asked in response.

“ _Being_ counselled.” Alec clarified.

“It can be tense at first. A lot of the people, in their first session, barely speak at all. But once you form a bond with the counsellor, it’s helpful. It helps you to sort out your mind, your thoughts, everything. I have yet for anyone to cancel a session because they think it won’t help them.”

“How long have you been counselling?”

“Three years. I’m not the most experienced counsellor out there but I am one of the rare ones that committed suicide and has experiences like that.” Magnus said.

He was getting the feeling Alec wanted counselling or, at least, he was considering it. To be thinking about getting help, that was one of the hardest and biggest steps and Magnus hadn’t thought he would be reaching it so soon. It was an achievement to say the least.

“Do you recommend it?” Alec asked, beginning to chew his lip.

“To you?”

“To anyone.”

“If people are considering counselling, I would recommend it because something is clearly not right if you need some sort of therapy. It’s like if you had a physical injury, you would need physiotherapy. If you have a mental illness, or injury per se, I would say therapy of this kind, psychotherapy, is needed too.”

Alec nodded.

“Are _you_ considering it Alec?” Magnus asked, wondering if an extra push was needed.

All Alec did was shrug and continue to play with the pot noodle using his fork. From the way he was now holding himself, Magnus was not going to get an answer to this question. This topic had come to its end and Magnus, being a man well learned in the art of conversation, knew not to push it any further.

This was a step in the right direction and, whether it was just a shuffle or a leap, it was going somewhere and that was the point. All progress was good progress and Magnus would take this as a win on his part and on Alec’s part too. Magnus thanked himself a little because, even if it was his ego was praising him, Magnus had helped Alec come back from that dark place. Sure, Alec should get most of the credit but Magnus could think he helped too, there was nothing wrong with that, as long as he didn’t say it out loud.

Alec left after he had finished, or rather eaten _some_ of his food, with specific directions from Magnus. He did say that, if Alec got lost again, he might as well come back to the office and Magnus would take him home after his last appointment at five. However, Alec said he was competent enough, and he made his way out, taking the wrong turn instantly and promising he was just joking, though it was clear he wasn’t.

His next two appointments went by rather quickly. The clients were well into their sessions and they had both managed to form a solid bond with Magnus, so they were not awkward or tense. Everything was going well in his life at the moment.

Luckily, when he got home, Alec was already there saying he ordered them a Chinese, if that was okay. Of course it was, but Alec was a worrier, and he needed reassuring. Magnus didn’t mind reassuring him, as long as it helped him to not panic as much.

The evening passed quicker than Magnus would have liked. The time the two of them spent together always went quickly, Magnus noted. He didn’t quite know why, but he assumed it was because they got along so well. When Magnus put on some old episode of ‘ _Gossip Girl’_ that was playing on television, they both started ridiculing every aspect of the show.

Magnus didn’t necessarily mind the show, but the way Alec was talking about it made him laugh. A lot of the things Alec said made him laugh and it was glorious to be in such company. Humour was gift from the Angel and Alec had been granted graciously with this wonder. It was a shame it appeared so rarely, but that simply made the occasions it did show even more special.

Magnus had to get up early the next day, so he went to bed early too. He only had one session, but that was at four. The reason he had to get up so early was because the market Alec had sold his things to would be open tomorrow and Magnus had given himself the aim of tracking down the ring Alec had sold. Despite the task seeming impossible, Magnus would try his damned hardest.

Out of a habit he had picked up many years ago, he leaned over and kissed Alec’s cheek, completely oblivious to the fact the two had never done such a thing before. When he straightened himself up, he realised what he had done and caught the shock on Alec’s face.

“Oh Raziel, I’m sorry Alec.” Magnus apologised, “I didn’t mean to do that.”

Alec chewed his lip and blushed, looking to the TV instead of Magnus and, suddenly, Magnus didn’t feel so bad for doing it.

“Goodnight Magnus.” Alec said, gently smiling at Magnus before looking away again.

“Goodnight Alexander.” Magnus said, and he walked to his room with a smile, his heart fluttering a little too madly for his liking as he recalled how soft and warm Alec’s cheek was when his lips touched his skin.

As per usual, Magnus woke up before Alec was due to, so he got ready quietly and left his apartment as quickly as he could. The walk to the marketplace was a long one but Magnus didn’t mind. Walking was meant to be good for the soul, so he did it as often as he could.

Once he arrived at the market, he was glad he had left early. It was a popular place and, even at eight o’clock, it was throbbing and pulsing with bodies and people eager to buy and sell their wares. Finding Lily would not be easy but Alec was worth the struggle.

Lily, being a petite girl, got lost amongst the crowd. Well, she would have done if it weren’t for her striking orange hair. Each time Magnus had seen her, it was a different colour and at this moment in time, he was very, truly glad for this sense of rebellion she felt the need to practice.

Thankfully, she wasn’t working one of the stalls, she was stood behind them, eating and texting as someone else manned the stall alone. Magnus pushed his way through the desperate huddle of people and straight to Lily who didn’t look up until Magnus snapped his fingers in front of her face. That was probably rude, but these types of customers seemed to bring it out of him.

“Lily, I must talk with you.” Magnus greeted when they made eye contact.

She smiled that rare smile only a few people had ever seen. “Hello Magnus, you seem frantic. Can it wait?”

“What else do you have to do today?” Magnus asked.

“Nothing whatsoever.” She smiled again, but Magnus knew she was putting up the act that she had perfected after so many years.

“Lily, this is urgent.” Magnus said and she seemed to take the hint.

After she vacated the stall, the two of them stood at the back of the slowly growing crowd. She waited for Magnus to talk, phone still in hand. It was a comforting technique, she would pretend to text but really she was listening. That was the way Lily was, it didn’t offend Magnus. Few things offended Magnus nowadays.

“I need some very specific help.” Magnus began.

“Um, I’m flattered Magnus, but you’re not my type.” Lily joked.

“Ha ha ha.” Magnus faked. “No, I am not asking you on a date or for sex. A couple of months ago, a boy came to your stall and sold you some things and I need to track something he sold.”

“If you could be more vague, that would be grand.”

“I don’t suppose you know his name, but it was Alec, or Alexander, Lightwood.” Magnus said, crossing his fingers in his head, hoping she knew who he was talking about.

“Oh yes, the one with the blue eyes. He lives in one of the Morgenstern’s buildings, right?”

Magnus sighed as the tension left his body. “Yes, that’s the one. He sold you a ring, is that correct?”

“Yeah. He came to me looking flustered and I always thought he was really sweet and the things he gave me weren’t the most expensive, so I offered him a couple of grand for the ring he was wearing. It wasn’t actually worth that much but I didn’t want him going away looking as lost as he always does. Raphy gave me hell, asked me what I was doing giving away so much money but I took it. Alec’s always been kind, I didn’t want that to go wasted.”

“I thank my lucky stars for you sometimes Lily Chen, do you know that?” Magnus said, smiling at her.

She shrugged graciously. “As you should. If you want the ring, you know I don’t have it anymore, right?”

“I guessed as much.” Magnus said. “I don’t suppose, however, you remember who you sold it to?”

She shook her head. “He didn’t say his name, I just remember he was this old guy with grey hair and the boniest face I’d ever seen. I didn’t think I’d get much luck with that ring considering it already had an ‘L’ on it, but he said he was looking for something just like that, so he paid quite well. Too well actually, but I wasn’t complaining.”

“You have no idea about his name? Or where he was from?”

“He was from here in San Fran, he didn’t have any other accent, but I don’t know anything else. Sorry Mags, that’s all I have.”

“It’s something I guess. Thank you though, you’re a wonderful human being.”

“I try.” She grinned and went to turn away but a man blocked her path.

In comparison to Lily, he was enormous. And Magnus had to admit he was handsome. His sandy hair had curled ends and his green eyes were gentle. If Magnus had come here for any other reason than Alec, he probably would have tried his luck with him.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to overhear your conversation, but I couldn’t make my way through the crowd, so I’m afraid I did hear what you’ve been saying.” This stranger apologised.

“Hey,” Lily said, studying his face, “You look like the guy who bought the ring. You’re younger though.” Lily looked him up and down, but she was not overly satisfied. Magnus knew that was because her interests lay elsewhere but that was a story for another time.

“I believe that may have been my father.” The stranger further explained. “He gave the ring to me, it had an ‘L’ on and engraved fire-like things, they may have been leaves, I don’t quite know. However, I didn’t want much to do with him at the time, but I can take you to him now. After I gave it back to him, I don’t know what he did with it.”

“Why would you want to help?” Lily asked, being always so cautious around strangers.

“It’s the right thing to do.” He explained with a gentle smile.

“Well, stay safe then Magnus, I don’t want to get _stabbed_.” Lily said and she kissed Magnus’ cheek before she went back to her stall, still not helping the poor lone boy who was struggling with all the people.

“I’m Gideon by the way.” Gideon greeted. “Would you like to come with me, my father lives round the corner?”

Only with a little weariness, Magnus agreed to accompany Gideon to his father’s place. On the way, Gideon explained that his father was a tough man and he would take persuading to be a decent person. Gideon promised he wouldn’t back down until Benedict, his father, did the correct thing, which gave Magnus some hope. Not a lot, but a little. At least he knew where it was or where it _should_ be _._

The second the door opened to reveal Benedict, Magnus felt like it would be a hopeless act to find this ring. His face, not only bony and sharp, it was harsh and his dark eyes contained no warmth. This was clearly a cruel man. Negotiating with cruel men was not an auspicious act.

“Gideon, what’s wrong?” Benedict asked in an icy tone, eyeing Magnus up and down with his beady eyes.

“I have to ask you something about an item you bought at the market last month. The ring you gave to me.” Gideon said.

“Hm.” Benedict mused. “What about it?”

“Where is it?” Magnus asked. “I need it back.”

Benedict quirked an eyebrow at Magnus. “I don’t know who you are, so don’t expect anything from me.”

“Father, it’s important to him.”

“I’ll pay you for it.” Magnus said, desperately hoping he wouldn’t have to pay two grand, but he would if that’s what it took.

“Well, even if I did still have it, I wouldn’t give it to you.” Benedict said and he would have shut the door if it weren’t for Gideon putting his foot in the way.

“Where is it now?” Gideon asked, his gentle tone taking a harsher note.

“I gave it to your brother.” Benedict finished and he forced the door further, pushing Gideon out of the way.

“As you can see, my father is the most welcoming man.” Gideon said. “My brother lives ten minutes away if this ring is that important to you.”

“It is.” Magnus said.

Off they went again. At this point, Magnus was losing his optimism because Gideon had told him Gabriel shared some of his father’s stubborn traits. And, if Benedict had said he wouldn’t have given over the ring even if he had it, then what was Gabriel going to do? Apart from Gideon, this family did not seem to be very giving and Magnus was not a fan of those sorts of people.

Along the way, Magnus and Gideon engaged in polite conversation and Magnus found him to be rather sweet. He carried the endearing traits Benedict did not. And his heart was much warmer and welcoming and Magnus was thankful he had bumped into him. Even as they walked to Gabriel’s, Gideon was apologising for eavesdropping, despite the fact his eavesdropping had helped Magnus locate the ring he needed.

Gabriel lived in a posh area of San Francisco and getting up to his place was much more difficult than it needed to be. However, with Gideon being as persistent to help as he was, they managed to get there without too much hassle.

When they reached the door, Gabriel was already standing in the doorframe, anticipating them. He didn’t look too much like his brother, they shared some cheekbones, but Gabriel’s hair was darker and his eyes were much greener. If Magnus was honest, there was more evil in this brother, but he would, most definitely, not say that out loud. Gabriel looked like the kind who would not hesitate to punch you in the face if he did not like you.

“What do you want Gideon?” Gabriel asked, a small hint of worry in his tone. It was very small though.

“Did father give you a ring?” Gideon asked as his greeting. Either these brothers were too close to greet each other properly or they weren’t close enough to greet each other at all. Magnus found it difficult figuring out which it was.

“Yes.” Gabriel said. “But it was too big so I can’t wear it. Why? Are you jealous?”

“No.” Gideon made no mention that he was given it first. “Please tell me you still have it.”

“Why?” Gabriel asked.

“Gabe?” A female voice called from inside. “Who is it?”

A small girl with thick black hair came to the door. She was much too cheery to be in Gabriel’s company but, as they were wearing matching rings, she clearly saw something in him other people did not.

“Hi.” She greeted with a bright smile towards Magnus. “Gideon?! Hi!” She saw him after.

“Hey Cece.” He greeted.

“Please, come in.” She took Gideon’s hand and led them inside, Magnus feeling uncomfortable following them in as he really had no part in this family gathering.

It was extravagant inside, these people spared no expense on anything. From the rugs on the floor to the paintings on the wall, everything was as lavish as it could get. Magnus felt very in place instead of out of, but he would have preferred a warm welcome to an expensive interior, and Gabriel had not given that.

“Do you want tea, coffee? I have cake? I made it yesterday. It’s not very good, but you’d be polite and say it was anyway, wouldn’t you Gideon?” She flashed another smile, and Magnus found himself smiling at her too.

Gideon sat down at their marble counters in the kitchen, Gabriel going around the other side to lean on the opposing counter. Magnus only sat after ‘Cece’ implicitly said he should sit as well. This was not the kind of situation Magnus was accustomed to.

The three of them caught up, Cece and Gideon getting more involved than Gabriel, but Magnus got the impression that was the usual way things happened. When you were a ‘people-reader’ or a counsellor or any sort of person who could read people well, you picked up on all sorts of things. The way Gabriel leaned back and not in, and the way Gideon smiled along gently when other people spoke, all these things and more signalled to their habitual ways and the kinds of people they were. Magnus adored reading people without them knowing, he was mischievous like that.

“So, you came here for a reason. What was it?” Cece asked, mainly towards Magnus.

Gideon looked at Magnus to prompt him to talk. “Gabriel was given a ring by his father that I would really love to have.”

“Oh yes, I know the one. Shall I get it for you?” Cece asked and she straightened up to go and get it but was halted by Gabriel.

“Cecily, I didn’t say I was going to give it to him.” Gabriel said.

“But it doesn’t fit you, so why would you keep it?” Cecily was the voice of reason.

“Because I don’t know this man.” Gabriel said, not paying attention to the fact ‘this man’ was sat a mere few feet away.

“I will pay you, if that’s what you wish. The money is not an issue.” Magnus offered, desperate for this to go in a different direction to the one it was heading.

“It can’t be worth much.” Gabriel was a stubborn man.

“My friend sold it to pay the rent,” Magnus began, hoping for a sympathy vote, “It’s his birthday in a couple of weeks and I would love to get it back for him. He’s not been having the best time recently and something like this might cheer him up. Please.”

“He can’t have gotten much for it.” Gabriel said.

“No, he didn’t.” Magnus lied and he caught Gideon looking at him from the side. Thankfully, he didn’t say anything.

“So why would you want to pay for it?”

“Because his friend is worth it. I’ll get it for you now, please ignore my husband, he can be a stubborn ass at time.” Cecily said.

“Thank you Miss…” Magnus said, hoping for her to answer with her name.

“Herondale. Oh Raziel, no it’s not, I keep forgetting, it’s Light- " Cecily began.

“You’re Cecily Herondale?” Magnus asked.

This worried Cecily as she turned back to Magnus with a furrowed brow. “Yes… Do we know each other?”

“No, I just, I think I know your brother. Do you have a brother called Will?”

A shadow passed across Cecily before her face lightened up, etched with a hint of sadness. “You know Will? How is he? Is he doing well?”

“I mean, I’ve only known him for a few months, but he’s been better, I know that much.” Magnus explained.

“He’s told you what happened then?” Cecily asked, the sadness in her eyes growing.

“With some persuasion, yes.” Magnus said.

“Well, please do tell him to come back to us. We miss him.”

“Actually, don’t do that.” Gabriel said, getting a sharp and angry look from Cecily.

“I _have_ told him, many times but he’s having difficulty doing so. I will continue to tell him though, I promise you.” Magnus said, ignoring Gabriel’s comment.

After Cecily’s demeanour took a heightened manner, she retrieved the ring from where it was and gave it to Magnus, thanking him plenty for visiting and giving them news of Will.

“If Will does happen to drop by,” Magnus said as he stood in the doorway to leave, “I would appreciate it if you didn’t mention I’ve been here. I wouldn’t want him getting paranoid.”

“I don’t even know your name.” Cecily said.

“It’s Magnus, please don’t mention me though, he can be a paranoid soul.” Magnus said. “Thank you so much for this, it means a lot. Thank you Gabriel, Gideon, I am grateful I bumped into you today and I hope we can meet again some time.”

“Thank you again Magnus.” Cecily bid goodbye as did Gideon, who was apparently staying over now. Gabriel gave him a short nod, but he didn’t do anything else to even recognise that Magnus had entered his life.

Magnus’ Friday had been greatly improved by everything that occurred that morning. Knowing he would save the ring for Alec’s birthday, he bought a miniature box and got it wrapped in a pleasant little store. A moment where he wondered if this would look like he was proposing crossed Magnus’ mind but it soon went again for he hoped Alec didn’t think him as mad as to propose after a mere two months knowing each other.

And then Magnus wondered why on Earth he was thinking that Alec would think he would propose to him. A thought like that had never come to him before, so why was Alec making him think such things? He was probably tired. Yeah, he was tired, let’s leave it at that.

The next week went by without anything interesting happening. The two of them spent more of their time together at the apartment with the nights slowly beginning to draw in and get colder each day. On one particularly cold day, Magnus got a blanket out and they shared it, their legs tucked up as they sat closer than they ever had on the sofa watching some old ‘ _Hammer Horror_ ’ film.

They put a bucket of popcorn between them and, in old movie style, they both reached for it at the same time and their hands met. It was brief but Magnus was sure he felt something between them as they touched. It was not something he would swear on Raziel’s name to, but he thought he saw Alec swallow and react too. He couldn’t be sure, but he thought he did. And isn’t it the thought that counts? Or does that only apply to presents? Magnus didn’t know, but he would like to think it worked in this situation too.

And then, despite Alec saying he didn’t get scared by horror films, Magnus swore he saw him hiding behind his hands at one point after a particular jump scare. When Magnus commented on that, Alec said no such thing happened and he started throwing popcorn at Magnus who then started throwing some back. The miniature food fight ended with the both of them trying to catch the popcorn in their mouths.

If Magnus could have had his way, he would have preferred it to end with him pinning Alec to the sofa and kissing him. But he didn’t know where that thought came from. It was random and he pushed it the back of his mind and made sure it didn’t arise again. It was highly inappropriate to think of such things when they were being friends and only friends.

Maybe he was wrong though. Maybe there was a chance they were something more romantic than friends. Every now and again, Magnus caught Alec watching him as worked or walked by, but he never mentioned it as he assumed that was something Alec would not want to be caught doing. He quite liked the idea he was being watched by Alec and those gorgeous topaz eyes. When the two of them made eye contact, Magnus was sure it lingered longer than it should have done if they were friends. Sometimes Magnus’ eyes trailed down to his lips, sometimes Alec’s eyes trailed down to Magnus’ lips.

But he never felt sure. It could have been all in his head, he could have been imagining it because Magnus had been so long without any form of romantic contact. He could have been craving it for all he knew. And for that reason, he wasn’t going to make any form of move or advance. Not until he knew for sure.

Magnus didn’t know how to get a definite answer but he knew you had to spend more time together. Even though Alec had yet to leave Magnus’ residence as he had taken quite the liking to staying round permanently, Magnus’ didn’t feel like they were in the right situation for any sort of answer to arrive.

And then Magnus felt like he did have the right situation for this sort of answer to come; a party. Not necessarily Alec’s style but it would make him more confident if he had a friend by him to help him mingle. If Alec didn’t want to go, Magnus would, of course, not push him. But if he was only a little hesitant, Magnus felt like he could persuade him.

“Whose party is it?” Alec asked after Magnus had brought it up.

“It’s a friend of mine’s. He’s just been given the all clear for this illness he’s had for a while, he was one of my client’s too, some time back. He’s having a party because he’s all good now.” Magnus explained, watching Alec and hoping he would be up for it.

“Would we be there for long?” Alec asked.

“A few hours at most. I’d like to show my face and congratulate him, you know?” Internally, he was crossing his fingers.

“And it’s tonight?”

Magnus nodded, this seemed propitious. Alec was considering it and not throwing it straight back in Magnus’ face.

And he did agree, as long as Magnus promised not to leave him alone, which he did. Before Magnus knew it, they were getting ready for this party, Alec asking for advice as to what he should wear. Catering to the types of clothing Alec liked, Magnus helped him out and he looked ravishing, even if it was Magnus who was dressing him up and saying so.

“Do you mind if I wear makeup?” Magnus asked as he made his way to the bathroom, bypassing Alec who was looking at himself in Magnus’ bedroom mirror.

“Huh?” Alec asked, seeing Magnus and following him to the bathroom in a rather adorable fashion.

“I wear makeup every day, but for occasions like these, I like to do it up. Is that okay? Like brighter lipstick and more noticeable eyeliner, maybe some glitter too.” Magnus said, rooting through his bathroom cupboards for his makeup.

“Why do you wear makeup?” Alec asked, leaning on the doorframe and watching Magnus.

“It makes me feel gorgeous.” Magnus flashed a smile towards Alec before beginning his eyeliner application.

“You always look gorgeous.” Alec said, so quietly that Magnus almost didn’t catch it.

And even though he did catch it, he still looked towards Alec and asked, “Hm?”

“I said, why does it make you feel gorgeous?” Alec asked, lying through his teeth about what he said.

Magnus didn’t correct him but he could feel himself grinning. So he stopped and looked back to the mirror. Then he said, “Because it enhances my features and makes me feel like I have no flaws.”

Alec didn’t say anything after that, he just watched Magnus do his work. It was nerve-wracking, knowing such gorgeous eyes were intent on his every move, but he kept going. He liked the weight of Alec’s gaze on him, it made the hairs across Magnus’ body stand up in the most wonderful way. He liked that too, that feeling only a few managed to give him and Alec was giving him it with ease, like he didn’t even know what he was doing.

When Magnus was finished, they made their way to Jem’s house where he was having the party. He lived in a luxurious place, his father giving him a lot of money when he died and Jem, not knowing what to spend it on, thought a house was the best bet. And it was a very good bet indeed.

Then Jem had gotten addicted to the drugs that were meant to cure him of this illness and he had spiralled out of control. But, with the help of his friends and of Magnus, he had managed to get out of the habit, get the better treatment, and finally get cured. Sometimes miracles were necessary and Jem was lucky enough to get one with this cure. So a party was definitely in hand.

But Jem was a classy man, meaning his parties did not contain blaring music or drunk girls singing to each other in the bathroom. No, his parties involved fancy cocktails, polite conversations, and groups of people laughing at the same story. It was a satisfying change to the sorts of parties Magnus had once gone to.

Inside, he saw a few familiar faces and some people he had never seen before. It always pleased him to see his friends with other people he hadn’t met because it meant they weren’t restricted to merely him and the people he knew. Some would think that odd but Magnus thought there was perfect sense to it all.

The second they entered, Alec had taken the demeanour of a lost puppy. That had made Magnus smile and he knew he would not leave Alec’s side over the course of their stay as he was sure these sorts of experiences were not the ones he was accustomed to. Parties were definitely not Alec’s thing and, whilst sometimes it was good to get out of your comfort zone, one should never go too far without something familiar. Magnus was Alec’s familiar thing.

When Magnus saw one of his dearest friends and her familiar blue tattoos, he smiled widely for he hadn’t seen her in a fair few weeks. As he went to go over to her, Alec grabbed Magnus’ arm and brought his attention to him instead.

“Are you okay?” Magnus asked.

“I didn’t pee before I left.” Alec said, his cheeks a burning shade of scarlet.

“Do you want me to show you where the toilet is Alec?” Magnus asked, almost laughing but managing to hold it back.

Alec snorted, laughing at how Magnus was laughing at him. “You can tell me where it is if you’re going to be like that.” He smiled, chewing his lip as he was worried about being too cheeky.

“It’s upstairs, third door on the right. Are you sure you want to go by yourself?” Magnus asked to make sure.

Alec nodded and disappeared, passing a small group of people listening to a man who was animatedly telling a story. After he watched Alec go, Magnus continued towards Catarina who was staring at her drink as if she could make it change colour since it was a rather unappealing, green one. Smiling when she saw Magnus approach, she put her drink down and greeted him with a hug.

“I have missed you my dear.” Catarina said once they had parted.

“And I you. How have you been?”

“Same old same old, saving people’s lives.” She beamed at Magnus. “And you?”

“Same here.”

He had missed Catarina. They had been close when Magnus was going through his depressed stage, and then she had been the only one of their friends to survive the crash and they had started growing apart. After the suicide attempt and his redemption, they grew together again, Catarina taking a love in her doctoring the same way Magnus had. Now, they shared a bond few others did.

“Do not tell me the great Magnus Bane has come here alone.” She jested.

How wrong she was. “I did not, a brought a… friend.” Magnus said, knowing that ‘friend’ was the correct word but somehow, it didn’t sit right on his tongue.

“And is this friend invisible?” Catarina asked, looking around for this person she did not know.

“No, he went to the toilet thank you very much.” Magnus corrected. “He’s sweet so be nice to him, he’s been going through some things recently, so I’m helping him out.”

"Did you find him on the Bridge?” Catarina asked as she knew Magnus’ ways well.

He nodded in response. “I think he likes me but I’m not sure.”

“What do you mean, ‘likes you’?”

“Well, earlier today, I was explaining why I where makeup and I said it makes me feel gorgeous and he said, and I quote ‘you always look gorgeous’. I asked him what he said, pretending I didn’t hear just in case he wanted to say it to my face, but he changed what he said because he embarrasses easy. It’s very cute. He’s very cute actually, but I don’t think he’d like me to tell him that. Or maybe I should. I don’t know…” He trailed off, thinking for a moment until he was brought back to reality by Catarina’s stare, her eyebrow raised.

“Look at you with your crush.” Catarina joked.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Magnus said and he could feel his cheeks heating up.

“Come off it, when you look up into the sky like that thinking about a guy, that’s serious crush material.”

“Since when have I ever done that?” 

Catarina laughed. “You’ve never done it, so I know this is serious. Do you want me to get him drunk and ask him, on the sly, what he thinks of you?”

“We’re not fourteen year olds at our first party Catarina, I can ask him what he think of me when he’s sober and I can do it myself.” Magnus said. Then he added, “But if you wanted to do that, I would totally not be against it.”

* * *

On his way back from the toilet, Alec found himself investigating the pictures on the walls that lined the corridors. As there were a fair few with the same man in, Alec guessed this was Jem. He was handsome, with his oddly pale skin, his silver hair, and silver eyes. It was a striking look, unexpected, and Alec thought he was attractive. But his eyes were leading somewhere else; to where Magnus was in certain pictures.

He was only in a few, three of the ones Alec caught on his way to and from the bathroom, but each one grabbed Alec’s attention. In the first one Alec saw, they were at some sort of skiing lodge, Magnus dressed up in some fabulous gear that had an abstract combination of pink and green. He had his helmet in his hand and his ski glasses on his head. His smile was bright, illuminating his face the way it always seemed to.

In the next picture, he and Jem were stood in suits at a gala of sorts. They had one arm wrapped around each other and Jem was smiling brightly. Magnus, however, was pulling a serious and seductive face, obviously having a laugh with whomever was behind the camera, but it was gorgeous nonetheless. He was wearing eyeliner in this one, a minimalistic touch but it made his eyes pop. And the suit he wore, it made Alec hot under the collar.

In the final picture, there was a lot of people gathered around and, after Alec got a closer look at their shirts, he saw they were at some sort of charity event. Everyone was wearing the same black shirt with the text ‘Aid for Aid’, Alec didn’t know what that was but it appeared to be some sort of charitable thing. It didn’t take Alec long to spot Magnus despite the amount of people in the picture. This time, he was looking au natural, his hair styled differently, longer than what Alec had grown used to. Still, his smile lit up his face.

It was true, Alec had developed a crush on Magnus Bane, his saviour from the Bridge. He didn’t know when it had started, he simply knew that he realised he had one a few weeks ago. Magnus had been baking something in the kitchen for one of his clients who liked freshly baked cookies and, because of the heat from the oven and the hottest day of the year, Magnus had gone for the wildly inappropriate manner of cooking in just a pair of shorts and an apron.

Alec had known since he was about fourteen that he loved the male form and that he was into muscled men rather than skinny ones. So, when he first saw Magnus come out in the shorts, putting his apron on, he merely thought he was watching him because he liked muscles. After he had watched Magnus move around the kitchen, his muscles working hard, he realised it was something deeper.

Then, when he had wished that Magnus baked in an apron and nothing else, Alec knew that he, quite possibly, had developed something for him. He also felt guilty for wishing Magnus to be in nothing but an apron. Crushes were crushes, but thinking that, surely it was too much. And yet he couldn’t shake it from his mind. Watching his back muscles move as he beat the mixture in the bowl was hypnotic, but Alec’s eyes had travelled down and he wanted to see more…

That was the day he realised he was crushing hard on Magnus Bane. Sometimes, when he considered that it might be time to go back to his apartment, he thought about how he would miss seeing Magnus’ face every day, so he stayed for longer. Occasionally he wondered if Magnus minded having him around constantly, but Magnus kept saying that, if he wanted Alec gone, he would have kicked him out weeks ago.

That’s why Alec was staring so wistfully at these pictures; because he liked Magnus and he wanted to see his face as often as he could.

“Enjoying the artwork?” A voice asked from behind Alec and he spun around to see a man, Jem, standing there smiling gently at him.

He looked different from the pictures, duskier overall as if the photos had been edited to give an amaro filter effect. His eyes, his skin, his hair, it was darker and he looked healthier, and no less handsome.

“Are you Jem?” Alec asked, although he knew the answer.

Jem nodded carefully. There was something about the way he moved, it was as if he was fragile and to move too quickly would break him. He was very slim, perhaps that may have even been the case.

“But I don’t think I know who you are.” Jem said, his now brown eyes curious.

“I’m Alec, I came here with Magnus.” Alec explained.

“Are you looking at Magnus in these pictures then?” Jem asked, his voice so gentle and soft, it was almost a whisper but it wasn’t as quiet as one.

 _Damn, busted._ Alec thought. He nodded in reply.

Jem walked a little way down the corridor, back to the skiing picture and Alec felt the need to follow. “He is an intriguing man, isn’t he?” Jem stretched a hand out to straighten the picture up. “I am very glad he has been my friend, he has saved me from a lot of things my thanks will never be good enough for. I may not even be here if it weren’t for him.”

Alec didn’t know what to say back, so he stayed quiet, hoping Jem would carry on. He wanted to hear more stories about Magnus but he didn’t know if it was appropriate to ask.

“How long have you two been friends for?” Jem enquired, looking at Alec with his kind eyes.

“A couple of months.”

“Ah, fast friends huh? I wouldn’t expect anything less of him, he is so very easy to get along with. He’s a gift to this Earth, wouldn’t you agree?”

“Yeah.” Alec answered, so much truth in what Jem said that Alec would have screamed it from the rooftops, if he had the confidence.

If he was honest, he didn’t know where the confidence to speak to Jem was coming from. Jem did seem to be a calming and welcoming man, Alec felt comfortable around him instantly, so it was probably that. Or maybe it was the fact his confidence was growing. Perhaps it was both of those things together. Whatever it was, Alec was glad for it.

“I trust Magnus with my life.” Jem commented as he looked back to the picture. “And I presume, you being here tonight with him after knowing him for not very long, means you trust him the same amount.”

Alec nodded along though it wasn’t a question. Somehow, Jem knew how Alec felt about Magnus. Not necessarily the crush part, but the trust part. Maybe that was merely the way Magnus made everyone feel.

“Shall we re-join the party?” Jem encouraged. “I am the host after all.”

Alec followed Jem down the stairs and searched for Magnus instantly, seeing him talking to a pretty girl with white hair and blue henna tattoo across her bare skin. Magnus looked up when he saw him, making Alec’s heart skip, and Jem and Alec joined Magnus and the girl.

Jem hugged both the girl and Magnus in greeting, which was nice to see. Alec liked to see other people having fun and seeing their friends, he took a comfort in how at ease everyone else was with each other.

“You’ve met our Jem then?” Magnus commented as he smiled at Alec. “This is Catarina, the friend I was telling you about the other day, from the coach trip.”

“Oh.” Alec said, registering her as the sole survivor from the crash before he shook her hand. “Hi.”

“Hello Alec.” Catarina greeted.

“Is this the dullest party you’ve ever been to or what?” Jem asked and, despite the joke in it, there was some worry detectable.

“Stop panicking yourself Jem.” Catarina said. “It’s civilized and I much prefer that to the types of parties these youths seem to have.”

“Youths?” Magnus repeated. “You make it sound like we’re fifty, and we are _not_ fifty. Anyway, I tell you what Jem, I would love to see one of these people holding someone’s hair out of the way as they vomited in the street.” Magnus joked.

“That’ll be you with Catarina by the end of tonight, won’t it?” Jem said through delicate laughter. His laugh was faint but still infectious.

“What are you suggesting?” Catarina asked, faking the hurt look on her face.

“That you’re a raging alcoholic, am I incorrect?” Jem joked further. The way he spoke was still fragile and quiet, it was clear he had gone through something quite horrific but he was still managing to smile.

The three of them laughed and Alec smiled along, enjoying their interactions with each other.

When they finished laughing, Magnus said, “You’re looking well Jem, how are you feeling?”

“You know, still weak. Getting out of bed isn’t easy, but then it never was.” He smiled. “I’m getting there, the road to recovery and all that. I’m getting my normal looks back which is good. I do miss the silver hair though, that was cool. The silver eyes however, they were creepy, I’m glad they’re gone.”

“You could dye your hair, I could do it for you.” Catarina suggested.

“I think my body’s messed up as it is,” Jem said, “I wouldn’t want to go messing with my hair too.”

“But you’re not messed up anymore, and that’s why we’re here.” Magnus reminded each of them.

“I will drink to that.” Catarina said, and somehow the four of them had drinks in hand. “To Jem’s health.”

And they all drank. The drinking did not stop there. Alec was not a big drinker but he felt the occasion called for such a thing. Thankfully, Magnus did not plan on drinking too much, so he knew he had a ‘designated driver’, as it were. That gave Alec more reason to drink. Cocktails, shots, and terribly over-the-limit concoctions went down Alec’s throat too many times to count.

A few hours in and Alec was one of the most drunk there. Alec wasn’t a visible drunk, but if you were with him and you were talking to him, you could tell there wasn’t a sober ounce left in his body. Magnus was taking good care of him, Alec would make sure to thank him if he could remember in the morning.

“Magnus, I need to pee.” Alec said again to Magnus.

“That’s like your seventh time Alec.”

Alec shrugged and was led through the house to the toilet he had familiarised himself with. Mistakenly, Alec left the door wide open and Magnus could see he was struggling with his zipper and offered to help. Alec, with no shame, accepted this help, not caring that Magnus’ hands were within centimetres of his crotch. He was too drunk and he barely noticed.

Remaining in the bathroom, Magnus’ gaze was heavy on Alec as he relieved himself. “Can you not watch me? That’s gross.” Alec commented, focusing hard on what he was doing.

He heard Magnus laugh beside him.

“What’s funny?” Alec asked.

“You’re funny.” Magnus said.

“Well, thunk you vury much.” Alec said through slurred wording.

Again, Magnus snorted and, as he helped Alec with his zipper again, he laughed once more. If Alec was not drunk, he would have been paranoid but, in his inebriated state, he had no cares whatsoever. He also had no humility as he held Magnus’ hand for the duration of the party that was left. All the defeatist thoughts in his head had gone because of the alcohol and all that remained was happy thoughts about Magnus.

He also had no cares as he held Magnus’ hand all the way home and up the stairs to Magnus’ apartment. There was a bit of a struggle as Alec still tried to hold Magnus’ hand when he was trying to make them both some tea to soothe their minds but, eventually, Magnus got his hand free. He would come to need that hand as he tried to get Alec to drink the water he had brought over.

“Do you know what day it is tomorrow Alec?” Magnus asked after he had finally drunk his water.

“It is Monday. I ‘member that ‘cause you said that you shooould not drink on the night ‘fore work.” Alec said, struggling with big words like ‘should’ and ‘before’.

“You’re correct, it is Monday.” Magnus agreed and Alec was proud of himself, “But do you know why tomorrow is a special day?”

Alec shook his head vigorously.

“It’s your birthday tomorrow.” Magnus clarified.

“What?!” Alec exclaimed. “No, I don’t believe you.”

Magnus laughed. “I promise you, I’m not lying.”

“I’m going to be older t’morr?” Alec asked as if he didn’t understand what birthdays were for a moment and also forgetting how to say ‘tomorrow’. “That’s mad.”

“I’m going to tell you this now, but I will write it down too, I have a present for you and I don’t think you’re going to be up in time for me to give you it. So I’ll leave it here with remedies for the hangover you’re going to have. Do you understand?”

Alec nodded. “Present. Here. Tomorrow. Birthday. Hangover.”

Magnus grinned at him and shook his head in disbelief as he did. “Good. Remember that.”

“Yes. Present. Here. Tomorrow. Birthday. Hangover.” Alec repeated.

“Good. Let’s get you to bed.”

After getting Alec up, with some struggle, Magnus helped him to the spare room that had become Alec’s room over the past couple of months. Alec collapsed instantly after he hit the mattress. The alcohol meant he wouldn’t fall asleep as quickly as he would have liked, but he was cosy enough so that, when his system did let him sleep, he would be comfortable.

For the first time in years, he didn’t dream anything horrible. Mainly because of the alcohol but a lot of it was because Alec was getting somewhere with Magnus and his dreams were filled with him. Baking was one of the dreams, Magnus, luckily for Alec, was baking in just a small apron and Alec was watching him as he moved around. That was good dream and he would come to recall it for years.

But when he awoke, the nightmare began for his head was splitting down the side. He couldn’t open his eyes as all the light in the room would burn into his skull. Holding a hand to the part of his head where the pain was, Alec got up slowly for moving made his head throb.

  
As he walked out of the room, still in his clothes from the previous night, he knew there was something he had to remember, but what it was, he did not recall. Something Magnus had told him to remember, something he had repeated. _What was it?_ It was important, he knew that much but he couldn’t for the life of him remember what.

Until he saw the note, the glass of water, the tablets, and the wrapped box on the table. Present. Here. Tomorrow. Birthday. Hangover. That was it. He took the pills first, hoping they would work instantly but, unfortunately, they didn’t. Once he downed the water, he read the note that was underneath it all.

_Happy Birthday Alexander,_

_I’m afraid I’m not here to bid you a good day in person and I apologise but I have a client early today and she was desperate for this session. Please forgive me and text me the second you awake, unless you’re throwing up because boy, did you drink last night._

_The present, if you haven’t opened it yet because you are more patient than I could ever be, is just a little something to show you that you are worth a lot more to me than you might think. Take that as you will but know this is not what it might seem upon first glance. You know what, text me when you open it and I’ll explain myself before things get too complicated._

_Have a wonderful day and I will see you later._

_We’ll order something nice._

_Love Magnus._

Alec read over _‘a little something to show you that you are worth a lot more to me than you might think’_ nine times and he still didn’t understand what it meant. All he knew was that his heart was beating furiously. That’s why he tore open the wrapping paper more furiously than he had intended to, he wanted see what it was.

The box inside was delicately designed with beautifully intricate patterns that made Alec stop and think. This looked like a ring box. He opened it, and it _was_ a ring box. _Why, in the name of Raziel, is Magnus proposing to me?_ Alec thought.

Panic ensued. Alec took the ring out of the box and his heart dropped. It was his ‘Lightwood’ ring he had sold months ago, never to be seen again. No, this couldn’t be it, could it? There was no way Magnus could have tracked it down, right? Since it was quarter to one Alec tried his luck at ringing him, his headache being forgotten at this point. Thanking Raziel for his luck, Magnus answered.

“Happy Birthday.” Magnus greeted. “Have you opened my present?” He sounded worried.

“Is this the real one?” Alec asked.

Magnus laughed. “That’s what you’re asking? I thought you might be worried I was proposing to you or something.”

“I was,” Alec said, “For a moment, and then I saw it was my ring. Is it the real one?”

“Yes. I managed to track it down, it ended up with this father who wanted to give it to his son but it was too big for him, he had tiny fingers… Is that okay?”

Alec could feel tears brimming at his eyes. “You found it for me?” It took all of his willpower to not let his voice crack.

“Of course I did. That’s what… friends do for each other.”

“What did you mean? About me meaning more to you than I think?” Alec asked hoping for a straight answer.

There was pause. Alec chewed his lip, biting enough to draw blood.

“Just that, uh, you’re very dear to me and, um, I want you to know that.” Magnus said. “ _Do_ you know that?”

“Yes.” Alec answered quietly.

“Good.” Magnus said.

Silence sat between them for a moment, as if some sort of realisation settled over them but neither knew what it was. It was significant, a feeling or sensation that gave Alec a sense of completeness for a mere moment.

“What do you want me to bring home for your birthday meal?” Magnus asked. “I had an appointment move so I won’t be home until after seven again. I’m sorry to miss out on so much of your birthday, but I’ll bring something nice home as consolation.”

Decisions like this had become easier over the past couple of months. “Can we have Chinese?”

“Of course.” Magnus said. “I’ll bring loads home and you can decide on what you want.” Alec heard a gentle knock in the background. “Ah, my next guy’s here now, sorry, I have to leave you. Happy Birthday again, and I’ll see you soon.”

“Bye.” Alec said and waited for Magnus to hang up; he never liked to be the one that hung up.

A warmth consumed Alec as he blinked repeatedly to get rid of the tears that were threatening to fall. He would not cry. Not whilst there was no reason for it. So what, Magnus had tracked down his ring and given it to him on his birthday? That was no reason for Alec to sob like a child.

Then again, Magnus had gone and gotten something he knew Alec had been upset about selling. Surely that can’t have been easy. And then there was the question of why Magnus would go to such extremes for him? They hadn’t been the best of friends, they barely knew each other. Alec had spent a lot of time with Magnus over those past two months, not having left Magnus’ apartment since the day after they had met, but Alec didn’t think that meant you would go to such a length to get them a birthday present.

Or maybe that was what you did. Alec didn’t know, he had never done such a thing before, he had never even really celebrated his birthday. Some of his friends would have taken him out for a meal and maybe given him something small but he never celebrated it as a proper event. And he had never gotten a present like this before.

And now Magnus Bane had entered his life and changed a lot of what Alec thought was common knowledge but was actually his messed up mind normalising things that weren’t normal. Alec smiled more, his heart swelled like never before, and he felt, generally, better. Overall, Alec’s head was not so dark and his shoulders were not so heavy. Everything, even though it was still slow, was managing to get better and Alec did not think that possible a few months ago.

He put the ring on his right hand, fourth finger, its familiar feeling comforting him. Fiddling with it, his thoughts went back to Magnus and how he had done so much for him without Alec doing a lot in return. He stayed over, he attempted cleaning once or twice but failed miserably, he bought food, but Alec didn’t do much for Magnus at all. Magnus had saved his life, and now he had done this, after taking him into his home and caring for him. How could Alec ever repay him?

Not knowing how, but knowing he would, Alec carried on with the rest of his day. As per usual, he didn’t do anything. A few films went on, he picked at some crackers he found in the cupboard but his appetite was non-existent, and he drank a lot of water. A _lot_ of water for his headache dully bothered his head for hours until, thank Raziel, it went away completely. He knew an English breakfast was meant to cure a hangover, but Alec could never eat that much food.

Finally, half-past seven came and Alec couldn’t sit still. Looking at the clock every other second, the excitement to see Magnus again was becoming overwhelming. The faint smell of Chinese food wafted up the stairs and Alec’s eagerness grew to see that gorgeous man and his smile. This crush he had was not ceasing to get stronger.

The door opened and Magnus came in, dressed in yet another luxurious suit for he appeared to have hundreds, and he was carrying a large plastic bag containing food. He smiled at Alec when he saw him on the sofa, Alec’s heart soaring to the sky. Alec, after feeling it so often, had grown accustom to it. He stood and went to where Magnus had put the food on the kitchen counter.

“I’m pretty sure I bought everything in the Chinese, I’m most definitely their favourite customer now.” Magnus commented as he began laying everything out.

Alec was watching Magnus as he hummed idly. With his heart swelling, Alec took a step forward and waited for Magnus to see him before he wrapped his arms around him, pulling him into an embrace. He hadn’t known he was going to hug him but he hadn’t had a hug in months, and it felt nice to be so close to someone.

There was a moment where Magnus was shocked as he, obviously, wasn’t expecting it either, but then he warmed into it. He wrapped his arms around Alec’s waist and they moved closer into each other. Magnus was warm in his suit and they both radiated heat and kept the other close.

There was intimacy in this embrace, Alec closing his eyes and breathing in. He buried his face in Magnus’ neck and pulled him even closer. Despite never having wanted to engage in much romantic physical contact, Alec was immersing himself in it and hugging tighter than he would have felt appropriate if it weren’t for Magnus being the person he was hugging.

“Happy Birthday Alexander.” Magnus mumbled into Alec’s hair.

“Thank you.” Alec said.

When Magnus pressed a kiss into Alec’s hair, he pulled away with a smile. Alec felt his cheeks burning, so he turned away and started fiddling with the Chinese food. Thankfully, Magnus did not seem to notice that Alec’s face was on fire, and he poured them some sort of wine and they sat on the sofa, closer in proximity than usual, to eat and watch TV.

He was struggling to look at Magnus for fear of his face going sixty shades between scarlet and crimson. Embarrassment was one of Alec’s least favourite emotions, and he hated how obvious it was. So Alec avoided all forms of eye contact until he felt satisfied the moment had passed.

“What do you want to do tonight?” Magnus asked after they had finished their meal.

“I don’t know.” Alec said. “I feel a bit cooped up here, I don’t know, maybe, could we go for a walk or something?”

Magnus got up and disposed of their rubbish, washing his hands of all the sauce and grease. “Of course we can Alec, it’s your birthday. Where do you want to go?”

Alec shrugged. “Take me somewhere nice.” Alec said, beaming at Magnus.

So he did. Magnus changed his clothes, feeling a suit wasn’t the best outfit for a walk on a September evening, and then they walked. They went a different way to the paths Alec knew but he didn’t mind. He was with Magnus and knowing that Magnus was the person who made his heart soar like no other was all he cared about. He didn’t care about his birthday or that it was chillier than he had expected, everything in his mind was about Magnus.

Alec did not expect to be taken where he had been; to Golden Gate Bridge. This was the last place he had expected to go because this was a bridge full of dark thoughts and unhappy memories. Why Magnus had decided to come here of all places was a grand mystery to him, but he trusted Magnus’ judgement. He followed him onto the bridge where they ended up leaning against the barrier and looking out across the water.

The sun had begun to fade below the horizon, painting the sky a deep set of persimmon and aureolin with hints of plum and vermilion. If Van Gogh could have been there to see it, it would have been one of his masterpieces and Alec could envision it now; the red bridge like a beacon against the tangelo and byzantium of the sky and the deep tones of the waters below.

Even though this place was full of memories he would like to forget, Alec couldn’t deny the beauty in it. Everything in the sky was natural, as was the water underneath them, and this magnificence would meet no match to the manmade things in this world. Even Alec in his depressed state could see that.

But, although it was truly a masterpiece, Alec couldn’t help but settle his attention elsewhere; on Magnus. He had redone his eyeliner with a hint more of a flick before they had gone out and he always managed to do it to perfection. There was a delicate shade of red of his lips that, unless you had seen him before he put makeup on, you wouldn’t even realise he was wearing it. But Alec had come to know Magnus and what he looked like with and without makeup, meaning he knew he was wearing lipstick even when it was as light as it was.

He was staring at his lips profusely, Alec was curious as to what they would taste and feel like. Alec wanted to know, he wanted to learn those lips by heart, learn their feel and familiarise his own mouth with Magnus’. Desperately, Alec wanted to lean in and kiss him, and there was nothing stopping him except himself. He was his own obstacle.

“Look at it, Alec.” Magnus said in awe. “Isn’t it just gorgeous? So simple and so wonderful. It’s truly,” He turned to face Alec who was watching him, “Beaut… iful.” When he saw the look in Alec’s eye, he knew what he was thinking instantly.

Blushing, Alec looked back into the river.

“Alec.” Magnus said. “Look at me.”

“I don’t want to.”

Magnus’ voice was soft. “Why?”

“Because I’m stupid. You just want to be my friend and I misunderstand everything and it makes me feel like an utter, I don’t know, imbecile. I don’t know how to judge anything.”

A hand came underneath Alec’s chin and brought his head up. Once their eyes met, Magnus left his hand there, making Alec shiver.

“Who said you misunderstood anything?” Magnus asked.

“But you’re my friend, not anything else.” Alec was confused. “Aren’t you?”

“Isn’t that how everything starts, as friends? I can’t help it Alec and neither can you, feelings, they just sort of happen and you can’t help them. You feel how you feel Alec and what’s the point in ignoring it?” Magnus said.

“Is it stupid? You’re the only friend I have.”

“Despite that being completely untrue, you can still fall for your friends. Love is love my dear Alec.”

“I don’t understand love.”

Magnus smiled. “It’s not meant to be understood.” Magnus had begun stroking his thumb across Alec’s cheek. “Do you want me to kiss you?

“I don’t know.” Alec said. “I think so.”

“You think so?” Magnus did not seem offended by Alec’s lack of confidence.

There was a kindness in his eyes, his pupils dilating as they looked at each other. The sound of boats passing on the waters below were amplified to Alec as he concentrated on Magnus, the rest of the world becoming useless noise. The lights of the City were nothing compared to Magnus, the only focused thing in Alec’s view.

“Yes, I want you to.” Alec said.

Magnus’ smile grew as Alec swallowed. Magnus leaned forward and Alec followed suit, closing his eyes as they got closer. The proximity of Magnus was an altogether new feeling, his hand on his cheek, his breath on his skin, and his body touching his own, it was all foreign. Immersing yourself in new things was so important after all.

A millisecond of hesitation passed before their lips met. Alec adjusted his stance and wrapped his arms around Magnus, their bodies connecting. Magnus’ lips were soft as they moved gently against Alec’s, tender and without force. There was a hint of peppermint on his lips, a delicate touch to the warmth of his breath. It made Alec’s knees weak.

As Magnus brought his other hand to the back of Alec’s neck, he took Alec’s top lip between his own and sucked lightly. A slight whimper came from Alec’s throat, and he wrapped his arms tighter around Magnus. Alec could hear his heart in his head, throbbing loud and clear as he thought he could feel Magnus’ against his own chest. Perhaps that was purely because Alec’s was beating as wildly as it was.

The hairs across his body started to rise, and he wanted to savour it. Savour Magnus. Forgetting they were in a public place, Alec ran his hands up and down Magnus’ back before slipping them underneath the fabric. His skin was warm and smooth and Alec couldn’t help but grip it.

They lingered there, the two of them moving against each other, completely ignorant to the rest of the world. It was only the two of them, nothing else existed but the other’s body. It was the way Alec liked it and he hadn’t felt so pure in years. He didn’t want it to end, he wanted Magnus’ body close to his, his breath on his skin, his taste on his lips for the rest of his life.

But it did have to end. When they pulled away, their arms still intertwined, Alec was all smiles, breathing heavy before he blushed. Their faces were closer than he had anticipated them to be and to see Magnus’ gorgeous features so close made his face burn. Magnus’ lips were redder from the contact, not from the lipstick and his cheeks were flecked with carmine too, making him look more handsome than ever, and that just made Alec blush further.

“That was, uh, quite good.” Magnus said, flustered which made Alec smile more as he didn’t realise he could have such an effect on someone else, least of all Magnus.

“My hands are up your shirt.” Alec commented.

“And that is a wonderful thing.” Magnus said and he grinned, enticing Alec to kiss him again. But he didn’t.

Instead, Alec removed his hands and rested them on the rails again. This seemed to disappoint Magnus, but Alec did not intend to have sex with him right there on that bridge. If he continued to kiss him, that’s where it would have gone for sure.

“Can I ask you something Alec?” Magnus asked as he resumed his position on the railing.

Alec look at him, and with curiosity he nodded.

“Have you ever been in love?”

“In love?”

Magnus nodded and he waited.

“I don’t think so.”

“Ever?”

He shook his head. He had thought he had been in love once or twice but it hadn’t been love, it had been infatuation or a mistaking for good friendship. Love, that wasn’t anything Alec had felt romantically. He had loved Jace platonically, it had been compulsion with the last man he had been involved with, but there was no ‘true’ love there.

“Love has never been my friend.” Alec said. “Sorry to disappoint.”

“Why would that disappoint me?” Magnus asked.  
“I don’t know. If you were looking for someone who had a lot of experience in love, then you should probably carry on looking.” Alec said.

Magnus stretched his hand out and took Alec’s, entwining their fingers. “Alexander, I wasn’t intending to fall for anyone. It bothers me none that you have no experience because I don’t fall in love with someone based on what they have or haven’t done. If I love someone, I love them whether they know love in the same way I do or in a different way. I was not looking for anyone to fall for, and if I get to be with you, I will be with you with or without your experience. Please don’t think yourself lesser because of that.”

Alec shrugged, focusing his attention on their connected hands. “But I’m not worth it.” Alec said quietly.

“You are to me.” Magnus assured, squeezing Alec’s hand.

This would take a lot of assurance for Alec to truly believe it, but when Magnus said it, it did mean something. It made Alec feel special for once in his life. Very few people had the ability to make Alec feel worth something and now he had found someone who made him feel worth a lot.

They strolled home, hands still together. The night had drawn in and the few stars that usually appeared were there, dotting the sky minimally. It was a chilly evening but Alec didn’t feel it, and he wouldn’t ever feel it if he had Magnus by his side, holding his hand. With his heart warm, the rest of him would be warm too.

Before they went to bed, they kissed again, gentle and quick but it was worth just as much. And Alec fell asleep with a smile upon his lips and his mind lighter than air. He felt better than he had in such a long time and it was the perfect way to start his next year of life. It had been a very good day.

The next day was a bad day.

Alec woke up late, and not just his usual twelve o’clock late, but half past three in the afternoon. Alec loved waking up early, he was an early morning person and the depression had stopped that from happening, but he had gotten used to the twelve o’clock, sometimes one o’clock wake ups. This was terrible. Practically the entire day had gone and it made Alec guilty more than anything else.

Magnus was gone again, no note this time which put him in an even worse mood, sinking lower. After his day yesterday had been so perfect, how could any day compare to it? Of course it couldn’t. And he didn’t even have Magnus to wake him up or see in the morning. Everything was going to get worse from now, Alec could feel it in his bones.

You know when you have one of those days where you have a bad morning and everything seems to get worse from there on. Like, things that wouldn’t usually bother you would bug you more than ever because of your terrible morning. Alec was having one of those days, but instead of being angry, he got progressively sorrowful and more exhausted.

There was no milk and Alec felt on the verge of tears. When he dropped his phone debating whether he should text Magnus or not, he left it there for a good twenty minutes, too exhausted to move and pick it up. Then he found a hole in his sock and he couldn’t find the right jacket he wanted and everything spiralled out of control.

Nothing could interest him, so he left the television on and dazed out, wishing life wasn’t so hard. He finally thought he was going to get better, that life might start improving. What a fool he had been. He could never get better. Not after so long of living in darkness, there was no way he was going to see the light. A glimmer might appear, a faint spark in the distance, but never enough light to make the darkness go away forever. How could he be stupid enough to think such a thing?

He only realised he had been crying after Magnus came home, later than usual at around nine o’clock. He came through the door apologising for his tardiness, not knowing Alec had paid no attention to the time at all.

“We overran by almost an hour today, I’m very sorry.” Magnus said as he closed the door behind him, not taking note of Alec’s current state. “And then the bloody tram was late. I wanted to rush home to you as quickly as possible but time got away…” When he said his last few words, he finally noticed Alec and the tear streaks down his face and his sentence trailed off. “What’s wrong?”

Magnus hurried to Alec on the couch and sat by him, but Alec didn’t reply, he didn’t even acknowledge Magnus. His mind had gone to its darkest corner and the light that Magnus would have brought was dimmed.

“Alec honey, what’s happened?” Magnus pressed, bringing one hand to Alec’s and the other to the back of his neck where he started massaging the small hairs that lay there. “Tell me Alec, please.”

Alec collapsed into Magnus, his head resting on his shoulder as he didn’t have the energy for sitting up. Everything spilled out into one rushed and heavy sentence, “I woke up really late this afternoon and I felt like such an idiot because I never get to see you leave and I thought maybe, if I was getting better, I might finally get to see you off before you went, then there wasn’t any milk so I couldn’t make any coffee and there wasn’t anything on TV and there’s a hole in my sock.”

Magnus wrapped both his arms around Alec in a tight embrace as Alec spoke. “Oh sweetheart, do you want me to make you some coffee now?”

Alec shook his head. “I thought I was getting better Magnus. Yesterday was so good and now it’s all bad again.”

“Everyone has their good days and bad days Alexander.” Magnus said and kissed Alec’s hair. “Tomorrow’s another day, it’ll be better.”

“I don’t want to have so many bad days.” Alec said, a breathy sniffle following.

“I know.”

“How do I stop them?” Alec asked, pressing himself into Magnus who wrapped his arms tighter around Alec as consolation.

“You know what I’m going to suggest.” Magnus said.

Alec gave in straight away. He hated feeling the way he did and he wanted it to stop. Finally, he accepted it, knowing it was the right thing to do. “Okay.”

“Okay what?” Magnus asked as he couldn’t hear Alec’s thoughts.

“Can I have counselling Magnus?” Alec asked quietly.

“Do you want me to find you someone?”

Alec sat himself up finally, wiping his eyes. “Won’t you be my counsellor?”

Magnus wiped a thumb under Alec’s eye to get at the tear Alec had missed. “Of course I can, if you want me to be.”

He nodded his head and Magnus smiled.

“Cheer up now, what I can do to make you feel better?” Magnus asked.

Knowing the answer, Alec leaned forward and pressed his lips to Magnus’ and it cheered him up instantly. Magnus was holding Alec, his hands warm against the part of his skin that was unveiled as Alec’s shirt was riding up.

They parted and Alec snuggled into Magnus’ side, too exhausted to care that he didn’t like being touchy feely, and they watched television. His mind was numb and his body was aching, he wanted to relax, that’s all. He just wanted exist without having to hurt anymore.

After booking Alec in for next week on Tuesday, they went to their separate beds Alec not ready to sleep in the same bed with Magnus yet. Maybe one day. But they went to bed with a small parting kiss, Alec finding himself becoming more and more familiar with the taste of Magnus’ lips, they were cherry then. Alec found he loved peppermint and cherry now.

This time, his dreams were not so pleasant and empty. They were filled with dark things, his exhausted mind not being exhausted enough to give him peace when he slept. He was running, his legs about to collapse but he couldn’t stop. Without knowing why, he was running, no goal insight and without stopping. Running and running and running until he woke.

Next Tuesday, surprisingly, came as a relief. Alec never thought he would be glad to have a counselling session, but time did change you after all. The time for him to leave at half eleven couldn’t have come sooner and he waited on the tram patiently, fiddling with his hangnail subconsciously. The now familiar walk to Magnus’ office was longer than he remembered but he got there and he waited.

Magnus greeted him with a cheery smile and a peck on the cheek. He had said before that despite their romantic feelings for each other, he would be his counsellor, and then the guy he liked. They were the same person, yes, but he had to give counsel before he kissed him, if Alec understood what he meant. And he did.

The past week had been devoid of their romantic antics, not that they had had many anyway. The week Magnus had before was hectic, he was going in for eight and finish at seven every day, meaning Alec didn’t get much time with him. When he got home, he had so much to write up and Alec didn’t want to disturb him, so he either watched TV quietly, or he sat in the chill room, listening to music and watching the world go by.

On the weekend, one of his clients who had missed a session had been in a car accident, no one knowing if he had done it on purpose or by accident, and Magnus had rushed to his side to be with him. He had been gone all of Saturday and returned late on the Sunday afternoon, falling asleep the second he hit the sofa.

There was no blame on Magnus for being out of his life for those few days, but Alec couldn’t help feeling lonely. It was selfish of him, he knew that, to want Magnus to be with him every second of the day so they could kiss and talk, but he couldn’t help thinking that. He knew it wasn’t possible but he could imagine it if it helped him get through the day.

Now he was here, sat in the armchair opposite Magnus, nerves filling him entirely as he waited for Magnus to speak or to ask him a question or do something. Anything. This silence, unlike most they had been in, was tense, almost uncomfortable. The sound of the clock ticking by echoed through Alec’s entire body and he didn’t know where to look.

“Are you okay?” Magnus asked finally.

“I don’t know.” Alec said.

“It’s all right for you to just sit here. Everything right here, it’s about comfort, you should know that.” Magnus informed.

Alec did not feel comfortable. Sat in this chair with Magnus only a little way away, notebook and pen in hand, this was not Alec’s idea of comfort. If he was honest, he didn’t know what comfort was, but this was most definitely not anything near to what he would have wanted.

“This is a waste of your time.” Alec said once he had realised it. “I can’t talk about my feelings.” He thought he had been ready but, sat there, he felt it had all been a terrible mistake.

“Well, let’s talk about experiences instead.”

“Aren’t you going to ask me how I feel about everything?”

“Only if it helps people, because sometimes it does. I don’t think that technique will help you.”

That encouraged Alec slightly. “Are you sure our feelings aren’t going to get in the way?”

“Yes.” Magnus said. “My job and my feelings are two separate things. I merely happen to have a wider insight into your life, it’s not a hindrance. It could even be a virtue.”

Alec needed more convincing, but he didn’t push it. Instead, his mind settled on other things. “Have you had a lot of relationships?” He asked, hoping to keep the subject on Magnus for as long as possible.

“Do you think I have?”

 _That damned reversal technique._ Alec cursed inside his head. He nodded in response.

“What about you Alec, have you had a lot of relationships?”

“Romantic or platonic?”

“Which do you prefer?”

As Alec didn’t know, he shrugged. He knew both types were important, familial as well, but he didn’t know if he had a preference. He also didn’t know it was possible to have a preference for such a thing but Alec didn’t understand much about life.

“Why don’t you tell me about platonic ones then?” Magnus asked.

“I don’t know how many I have or have had.” Alec answered. “Probably less than ten.”

“Even in school?” Magnus wasn’t giving off much from his tone of voice, these were merely questions it seemed.

“Yeah. I was the quiet kid no one bothered because my younger brother would beat up anyone who tried to pick on me. Not that Jace was my brother, but that’s the impression everyone got because, well, I don’t know, he sort of seemed to be my younger brother, if you get me.”

“Right.” Magnus confirmed his understanding. “Did it feel emasculating or odd to have your _younger_ brother defending you?”

“Nope, he was always the one who looked after us all. He put himself out on the line for everyone else. That’s the way it was.”

“Was?”

It was question after question and that was going to be exhausting, Alec could tell, but he would persevere. This was good for him, it had to be. “I don’t see him anymore, so I don’t know.”

“Okay.” Magnus wrote something down before looking back to Alec. “And what about romantic?”

“Including you, four.” Alec didn’t even need to think about it. He could recall them perfectly well.

“Tell me about the other three. What were these people like?”

“The first guy I was with, our relationship was purely sexual. He taught me a lot but there was nothing romantic about us. The second one was just someone who could cheer me up… Until he couldn’t… Then the last one, he was, um, he was uh, abusive. Emotionally and physically, and I guess, even sexually. There was some non-consensual stuff… That’s not a description of who they were, is it?”

“It works fine.” Again, Magnus wrote something down and it made Alec conscious of what he was saying, and yet he knew he needed to say it. Magnus then asked, “The first one, where did you meet him?”

“High school, he was in the year above me.”

“Did you like him?”

“No. I wanted someone who made me feel good about myself and made me feel wanted or desired or whatever. That sounds stupid but that was the reason.”

“That’s not stupid Alec, everyone should feel desired, it’s only fair. _Did_ he make you feel desired?”

“The first time we had sex, sure. But we didn’t really do anything other than have sex. And after that first time, it stopped making me feel desirable because he preferred to get all the pleasure himself.” Alec recalled the details well, they had been engrained into his mind. Another mistake he had made in his life, piling up onto all the other mistakes.

“What about the third one? What kind of things did you two do?”

Alec tensed up. “I, um, I don’t want to talk about that.”

“Okay.” Magnus said and he didn’t make Alec feel bad about it. “You said the second guy stopped being able to cheer you up. Why was that?”

“Because that’s when my depression hit hard.”

“Did he know?”

Alec shook his head. He hadn’t told anyone about anything he had felt. Despite knowing bottling everything up was the worst way to deal with feelings, Alec couldn’t help but do it. It was as if that way of dealing with it was programmed into his very being.

“Why didn’t you tell him?”

“I didn’t want to pressure him into anything. I know when you tell people something personal, they feel compelled or obliged to stay with you because of it. I don’t like being the cause of that. I don’t like people feeling obligation to me.”

“Mm.”

Alec watched Magnus write yet another thing down. “Does that tell you something intriguing about me?” Alec said light-heartedly but also a little worriedly.

“Perhaps.” Magnus paused, then he looked up again. “You’ve been round my place for almost three months now Alec and we’ve had a lot of meals together, you never eat much. Is there a reason for that?”

“I don’t get hungry very often.” Alec answered.

“How often?”

“Every day.”

“Why is that?”

“I went through an anorexic stage, sort of anyway. Not to a major extreme, I simply never ate a lot. That’s the way it is today as well I guess.” Alec said, he never told anyone that but Magnus made him say things he thought he wouldn’t ever mention. “Why did you jump Magnus?” Alec asked, not intending to change the subject as suddenly as he did.

“I don’t know.” Magnus answered, looking Alec straight in the eye.

“I’m not as strong as you am I?”

“Why would you say that?”

 

“Because I didn’t jump.”

“Oh Alec, your strength is not determined by how far your suicide attempt goes. I jumped, and that makes me no more or less strong than you or anyone else who jumps or does not. You are strong because you have realised you have a problem and now you are doing something to help it. _That_ is strength, jumping or not jumping, that’s got nothing to do with it.”

“Can my problem be solved?”

“Yes.” Magnus stated.

Alec chewed at his lip and looked away from Magnus to the window to watch a small group of people pass by.

“Do you know what I realised on the way down?" Magnus paused and waited for Alec to look back to him. “I realised that every single one of my problems was solvable. _Each_ and _every_ one. So yes, Alec, yours are solvable too, I promise.”

There was a pause and Alec considered this. There had been a long period of time in his life where he thought nothing was solvable, as if his problems were the be all, end all. His life had taken such a turn and he had gone to such a dark place, he never thought he would see the light again.

Nothing made him happy, nothing made him smile. He was going down an endless path with no turns, no winds, it was a straight path with no end and nothing to give him hope for something good. The problems he had, they weren’t going to get any better, they weren’t going to improve. There was no sign, nothing to show that he might get a chance for something good.

Days began rolling into each other and he forgot what time was because he had been so focused on the things that had ruined his life. He knew he should forget and move onto greener pastures, but he couldn’t. With no hope and no joy, he had fallen into a pit of despair and he didn’t think there would ever be a ladder to get him out.

A ladder was forming now. It was small, not enough to let him escape, but enough for him to believe that maybe, just maybe, he would be able to see those greener pastures one day. It would be a slow process of healing, but he _was_ healing. That was the most important thing; the hope that he wouldn’t remain in this pit for the rest of his life.

“Do you have a happy place Alec?” Magnus asked after an indefinite amount of time had passed.

He shook his head.

“Would you like to form one now?”

“Should I?”  
“I think, personally, it is an incredibly important thing to have. It’s somewhere you can go when you feel overwhelmed or exhausted or in need of a break. You know what, it’s even a place you can go when you’re happy.” Magnus explained.

“Do you have one?” Alec asked, not knowing what your happy place was meant to include.

“Yes.” Magnus said. “Would you like to hear about it?”

Alec nodded.

“I’m in a big room,” Magnus began, “There’s lots of tables and chairs and books, you know how I love my books. At first, I’m alone with nothing but the objects in the room. Then, slowly, my friends begin to filter in and they sit and, eventually, the room is filled with the people I know and love. When, to begin, it is silent, it ends up being this throb of noise and laughter. I’m happy there, surrounded by happiness.”

“Who’s there?” Alec asked, wondering if that wasn’t too prying of a question.

“A lot of people.” Magnus said. “My friends from the crash, Catarina of course, some of my clients too as I like to be their friend as well as their counsellor, like Jem. There’s a few people from my high school and someone very important to me, his name is Woolsey. There’s a lot of people and I love them all dearly.”

Alec wanted to ask if he was there but that would have been such a ludicrous question considering how early on they were in their… whatever their relationship was. And there the silence came again.

“Did you eat before you left? I have some soup if you want.” Magnus asked.

“Thanks, but I’ve already eaten.” Alec lied. He wasn’t hungry.

Magnus seemed to accept this but Alec knew he knew when he was lying. Somehow, Magnus was the perfect lie detector, but he never said anything. However, he did write something down which panicked Alec.

“Do you ever show people what you write about them?” Alec was curious and, if he was honest, he wanted to know what had been written about him.

“When it comes to the end of our sessions, I will if they want to see what I’ve written. You’d be surprised at how many people don’t want to see once they’ve gotten better. I think they think they might fall back into it all if they read what they started out like.”

“How long are people usually in these sessions for?”

“It depends, some people take a couple of months, the shortest one I had was ten weeks, so ten sessions. I have one client that’s been here since the beginning, almost three years.”

“They’re still getting sessions?”

Nodding, Magnus said, “With regular sessions, once every two weeks. She’s almost done though. Her problems fluctuate, but she’s getting there. I’ve told her I think she’s ready to stop and, if our next one this week goes well, she’ll stop coming to me. Unless she gets out of control again, but I don’t think that will happen. At least, I don’t want that to happen.”

“Why do you take such an interest in your clients?” Alec asked and not in offensive manner. Genuinely, he wanted to know because he had never met anyone who wanted to be his friend just to get him out of a sticky situation.

Magnus thought for a moment and Alec waited for him to answer.

“Because I know what it’s like to be ignored. The first counsellor I saw, she helped me think better of myself, she made me realise I had worth and that everyone had worth, but the second our time was up and I was off the couch, I didn’t exist anymore. I’ve known a fair few therapists in my time and, sometimes, that helps them sleep at night; if they pretend the people who have such horrific problems don’t exist anymore, they can forget about them, and sleep well because of that.

But I’m not like that. I can’t forget the things I hear because that’s not who I am. I’ll tell you something now I know from experience; it feels so much better to have someone give you aid when they’ll be there for you when your time on their couch is up. If I give my personal phone number and I answer whenever someone calls, people trust me more and trust is key when you’re telling a person you barely know your deepest and darkest secrets.

That’s also why I don’t charge extortionate prices and why I give two hours instead of only one. I care about people and I want them to trust me because, without trust, I can’t help people the way they need to be helped.” Magnus finished with a gentle smile.

But Alec felt a sense of panic overcome him. “So do you kiss me because you want me to trust you so you can help me get better?”

He shook his head. “I kiss you because you are bloody stunning and I _want_ to kiss you. The counselling side of my life does not come into it at all when I kiss you.” He said. “Alec, you are worth so much more than you think you are and I kiss you because I want you to know that. I also kiss you because hey, if you’re offering, there’s no way in Edom I’m going to pass up that opportunity.”

Magnus winked and Alec felt blood rush to his cheeks. Looking away, he chewed at his lip and relief wash over him. When Magnus said things like that, Alec believed him. He never felt like he was worth much but when Magnus said that he was, he felt it, he felt like he had meaning and that his life had its own purpose. He didn’t know what that purpose was but he knew it was there and Magnus made him believe it.

During the rest of their session, there were no more big philosophical questions. Instead, they talked about the weather and birthdays and smaller topics. When Alec left, the two of them sharing a lingering kiss to part ways, Alec’s heart felt lighter. He had never known you could talk about such random and pointless things in counselling. He had thought every question would bring up some sort of emotion and the counsellor was going to ask you how you felt about every single aspect of your life.

It was nothing like that. It was actually rather pleasant. Magnus had made him comfortable, he had answered when Alec asked him questions. If Magnus felt comfortable enough talking about himself, Alec felt comfortable enough too. Sure, he hadn’t opened up about everything right then and there, but he was on the way.

In his session next Tuesday, he would talk more and perhaps even mention how he felt about things. The latter was less likely, but it was a possibility, and he never thought that that _would_ be a possibility. Not ever. And now here he was, and things were looking up. Finally, Alec thought this endless path wasn’t so endless after all.

* * *

“I’m ready to talk about Max’s death.” Alec piped up in a silence Magnus had been writing things down in.

This was their fifth session since their first and all of them had gone incredibly well, better than Magnus had thought they were going to go. Sure, sometimes the content was lacking, they spent more time talking about their favourite books than the events that had impacted their lives so far, but nonetheless, every sentence was important. Perhaps that was an exaggeration but Magnus felt that was the truth sometimes.

Even since their first session, Alec had begun to show signs of improvement without the need for pills. They kissed more and more each day and he had begun waking up earlier too. Once, he had woken up at ten and seen Magnus off before he left for work and Alec had been the cheeriest Magnus had ever seen him. That had been a wonderful day.

They had been on dates too, beautifully romantic dates. It turned out Alec was quite the romantic, he had just never had the chance to show it, which was something Magnus had learned from the sessions too. One time, when they had gone out to a restaurant, Alec’s appetite improving every day, he had bought a rose from the miniscule money he had to his name, and given it to Magnus whilst his face was lit up red like a Christmas tree. That had been one of the most romantic gestures Magnus had ever received and he had made out with Alec right then and there before realising the waiter wanted to get them to their table.

Another time, they had come back from a late night showing of some horror film Magnus could not recall the name of, and both had come out bored. So Alec had taken him down a route Magnus had never gone before and they ended up in this adorable little park with this miniature orchestra at the far end, and couples galore were dancing around on the grass. Despite Alec saying he did not like dancing, he had taken Magnus’ hand and they had begun swaying with the rest of crowd to the gentle tones of the musicians.

Multiple times, Magnus had found his heart soaring higher than the clouds because of something Alec had done or said. He was falling desperately hard for this boy and each day he found himself more in love with him. When he was counselling him, his heart was breaking, but when they were together, on a date or even on the sofa eating takeout, his heart was being put back together because of the way Alec was.

For every moment they spent together, Alec was showing more as to the kind of person he actually was. On this dull Tuesday afternoon, Alec being his last appointment of the day, he was ready to talk about this horrible event in his life, completely unexpectedly too.

“Okay.” Magnus said and he waited to see if Alec was going to talk first. He wasn’t. “Where shall we start?”

“I don’t know.”

“First, why don’t you tell me about your relationship with him and who he was as a person?” Magnus suggested, though it was more of direction than a hint.

Alec took a deep breath before he spoke. “I adored him. At one point, he was like the light of my life, as stupid as that sounds. I mean, I looked after him better than my parents ever did. They were always out or doing work or whatever it was that kept them away. I took care of him, ever since he was born. Everything I did, it was, well, I guess it was for him.

I got the feeling he preferred Jace because he was the more fun one and I had to be the sensible one, but that didn’t bother me because, deep down, I knew he loved me. I took care of him, and my sister, not the way a brother necessarily should, but I did. I loved Max. Of course I did, you know, he was my brother after all.

A lot of the time, I would read him stories when he should have been asleep and I would attempt to play the games he liked so much. I mean, I never could and he would always end up in fits of laughter because I would fail so miserably.” Alec smiled at the memory and it warmed Magnus’ heart before it broke again because he knew what was coming.

“Even when he got older,” Alec continued, “We were still somewhat close, despite my slowly depleting mental state. He could always cheer me up and make me smile. Sometimes I would try and help with homework but he was smarter than me, at that age at least. I don’t know, he just managed to amaze me all the time, he was so optimistic. I couldn’t understand but I was glad he could be happy.

I grew distant in the end. I didn’t mean to but I did. I didn’t know anything had happened to him until it was all over.”

“What did happen?” Magnus pressed gently.

“He was hit by a car. As forcefully as any car could. He was crossing the road before going to school and I don’t think he should have crossed at that point, but even so, the car shouldn’t have been going as fast as it was. And it drove off, it didn’t stay around to see the damage it had caused.

That day had already gotten at me and I hadn’t been answering my phone. That’ll haunt me forever. I finally answered at around eight with about a hundred missed calls from all my family members. I was so confused, I left the house the second I called up Isabelle to get to wherever they were.

He was brain dead, that’s what she told me as I made my way to the hospital. I think I froze for about an hour on that tram station. I didn’t believe it, I thought my sick mind was playing some sort of joke and it was a nightmare. There wasn’t an ounce of me that thought it could be true. He was my little brother, he shouldn’t be dead, not with so much of his life ahead of him. I didn’t want to go and see him because, if I saw him, it would be true.

I did get there eventually and it was the first time we had all been in a room together since my parents kicked me out. Nobody was focusing on that though, it was all on this tiny body lying on a hospital bed that was way too big for him, connected to a machine that was keeping him alive. That image has been engrained in my mind.

It didn’t take them long before they switched it off. I know they loved him and they turned it off as soon as they could because of that, but at the time, I just wanted another five minutes. I know now I would have always wanted five more minutes, no matter how much time I’d already had.

After that, it was odd because I didn’t cry that night or the night after or for many nights. It was stupid but it was a few weeks later, maybe even a month that I did cry. It was because I found a dish cloth and it was too ripped to use anymore, that’s when I started crying, like full on, collapse on the floor and huddle up for hours sort of crying.

I don’t think I’ve gotten over it yet but I’ve sort of ignored it for the past few months. That’s how I dealt with it, I guess.”

As Alec finished his tale, a great relief washed over him. He may not have felt it himself but he had bottled it up for such a length of time, simply talking about it would lift a heavy weight. It was something Magnus was glad to be on the receiving end of.

“Why did you feel ready to tell me that today?” Magnus asked, writing a lot of what he had been told down.

Alec shrugged. “What you said last night, about things taking over you if you let them do so silently. I think that’s what did it.

“And do you feel better now?”

He nodded.

“It’s true then, and now you have proof; our burdens will continue to be burdens unless we let them out. You can make it so your demons that follow you everywhere are not as terrible.” Magnus said, reiterating what he had said last night to Alec when the two of them had been cuddled up on the sofa.

The clock was about to read seven and their time was up. Magnus closed his book and began to do his ‘In Preparation for Next Session’ closing bit; aims for the week.

“Could you continue to try and find a happy place and, also, practice your ‘silver lining’ thoughts too?” Magnus said. “And if you can prepare yourself to, perhaps, tell me some of them, that would be wonderful.” He went to stand.

“Wait.” Alec halted him. “I need to talk to you about something before we go.”

“Okay.” Magnus waited, his curiosity piqued.

Alec was biting his lip but Magnus waited patiently, as he always did.

“My rent’s due next week…” Alec said.

“Oh, okay, do you need more money?” Magnus offered.

“No.”

This confused Magnus.

“Firstly, I’m going to try and get a part-time job.” Alec half explained.

“Okay, that’s good to hear.” Magnus said, but it didn’t cure his confusion.

“And I was wondering,” Alec continued, “Since I already spend all of my time there, if I could live with you? I know it’s like, really fast because we aren’t even boyfriend and boyfriend, or whatever. I just thought it would be better, or good, or something. I don’t know…” Alec trailed off.

Magnus could feel himself beaming. “Of course you can.” He said and the look of elation on Alec’s face was totally worth it. “Our relationship has, perhaps, not been the most conventional anyway considering how we started and how we are currently and all that, so I don’t think we should abide by those ‘too fast’ rules. It’s fine by me.”

“Awesome.” Alec said and the both of them stood and kissed before putting their coats on to leave.

“I’ll have to drop by my apartment to tell them, it’ll be fine though.” Alec said as they left, Magnus locking it behind him.

“Do you want me to come with you?” Magnus asked.

Alec shook his head. “I’ve got to learn to do things by myself.”

When the two reached the tram station, they had to wait before it would arrive. So, to keep warm and happy, the two of them held hands and kept close. It wasn’t a particularly cold evening, but they liked being near each other.

Despite them being in a public place, they kissed quite a bit too. Magnus had managed to bring Alec out of his ‘don’t touch me in public’ phase and he brought his confidence to an all-time high as well. Therefore, whenever the opportunity arose, and it arose often, Magnus kissed Alec. And their kisses were always perfect.

This kiss was especially wonderful. There was only one or two people around, so Alec had more confidence already. He had his hands in his seemingly favourite place; up Magnus’ shirt and gripping at his hips. Alec’s taste was strong on Magnus’ lips and he breathed Alec in, his beautifully familiar cologne filling him up. By this point, Alec was so familiar to Magnus and his kisses were too.

But this kiss was different to their usual ones. This one had more heat. It was Alec that was giving it off, the gripping at Magnus’ skin being tighter, a fire burning upon his lips. He was yearning for more, Magnus could feel it, a sort of desperation he had not felt from Alec before.

Then the tram came and it split them up. Quite devastating if you asked Magnus. For a moment, Magnus thought their heated encounter was over and that they would go home and snuggle, watching a terrible film with soup and the occasional make out session. Perhaps he was wrong in that assumption. Usually when they rode the tram, if they could find seats, they sat comfortably apart, hands held on the occasion if Alec could feel up to it.

It was different now. Alec his hand on Magnus thigh and not lower thigh, _upper_ thigh. The tram was quiet enough for no one to have noticed Alec slightly stroking his fingers where his hand lay. It was gentle enough that Magnus barely felt it, but when he did, he turned his head to look at Alec who wasn’t looking at him, but out of the window instead.

Maybe he was idly doing it or, what was more likely was that he was looking out the window because he didn’t want to see Magnus’ reaction. Magnus took his hand and held it which brought Alec’s attention around to him, his face plain with worry and an almost innocence too. It made Magnus smile.

“What’re you thinking Alec?” Magnus asked, searching his eyes that were so readable. Sometimes however, they were so full, Magnus couldn’t detect one thought from another. Sometimes, he had to ask.

Alec paused. “I want to know if you… If you could ever, you know… want me?” Alec responded, swallowing heavily.

“What would give you the impression I couldn’t?” Magnus furrowed his brow.

“Because it’s been while and we still haven’t… had sex.” Alec explained, still looking into Magnus’ eyes, probably looking for some doubt that he wasn’t going to find, not in Magnus.

“That’s because I’ve been waiting for you Alec.” Magnus said and he didn’t mean it accusingly or as if it had been a punishment waiting for Alec. Consent was something very important to Magnus, as it should be to everyone, and waiting for Alec to be one hundred percent ready was simply something Magnus was doing because that was the way it should always be done. “I didn’t want to initiate anything in case you weren’t prepared for it, that’s all.”

“But we kiss a lot?”

Magnus chuckled. “And kissing doesn’t always equate to sex following, not unless it’s clear that that is the case. If you want that to be the case now, though…” Magnus winked and squeezed Alec’s hand.

Alec blushed. Magnus loved it when Alec blushed. His cheeks blew up in a shade of crimson that contrasted to his beautifully pale skin. When he smiled alongside blushing, his entire face lit up and his eyes shone. He was gorgeous, no matter what state of embarrassment he was feeling. And Magnus rather loved him.

“Do you want to?” Magnus asked, watching Alec with complete love and nothing else.

Alec nodded, smiling as he glanced at Magnus.

After that, they struggled keeping their hands off each other. Of course, they waited until they got to their building, walking faster than either of them usually did. And once they got there, the restrictions of the public no longer holding over them, everything about Alec’s lack of confidence went out of the window.

Magnus found himself pressed against the bannister as they made their way up the stairs, slowly because they were desperate to touch each other. He had his hands up the back of Magnus’ shirt, gripping at his shoulder blades that were moving as Magnus too ran his hands along Alec’s back, going down to grip Alec’s ass. Seeming to like this gesture, Alec moaned into Magnus’ mouth, rutting his hips as he did.

Somehow, they managed to get upstairs to the top floor despite Magnus being pushed against multiple walls hard enough for the occupants inside to hear. They also spent a lot of time pressed against the door they could have just gone in. Alec was leaning into Magnus who was against the door, one hand above Magnus’ shoulder, the other immersed in his hair.

Alec’s hands were sending shivers down Magnus’ spine, his grip firm and eager. Magnus couldn’t help but bite down on Alec’s bottom lip and tug at it whilst Alec whimpered against him. Those sounds made Magnus pull Alec closer, their chests and hips colliding, arms tightening around each other.

Finally, they managed to get into the apartment, mouth still on mouth and hands up each other’s shirts. Alec went towards the sofa, pulling Magnus along with him but Magnus pulled away. Their hands were still on the other’s body but Alec’s face took one of confusion.

“We shan’t do this on the sofa Alec.” Magnus declared. “We’ll do this right, and we’ll do it on my bed.”

“But I’ve never been in your bed before.” Alec said, swallowing.

“Then what a perfect time to start.” Magnus said and he grinned, taking hold of the hand that was gripping his hip and leading him to the bedroom.

Once inside, they started kissing again but it wasn’t as fierce now. There was still a deep yearning, but it was restrained. This was a loving passion, not a violent one. It was a desperation to love each other and to hold each other, not a desperation to pound each other against a wall.

Gently and one step at a time, Magnus walked Alec back to the bed so he could sit himself down on the edge. He looked up to Magnus with his big blue eyes and Magnus felt his heart warmed as he removed his jacket and unbuttoned his shirt, revealing his deep olive skin for Alec’s curious eyes to see. He reached his hand up and ran it along the lines and curves of Magnus’ body. With fingers tracing down Magnus’ ‘V’ between his hips to the centre where his trail disappeared below his trousers, Alec’s face was full of intrigue.

The light touch of his fingers made Magnus quiver but Alec was too intent on touching his body to notice. When he was done tracing down his skin, Alec looked up at Magnus again, worrying at his lip. Magnus cupped his cheek and smiled.

“Can I look at you?” Alec asked.

“What?” Magnus asked, fifty different interpretations flying through his head.

“I don’t want to be on my front.” Alec explained. “When we do it.”

Magnus nodded. “Okay.”

Alec smiled and he took his own shirt off over his head, which was incredibly sexy in Magnus’ eyes. That’s why he couldn’t help but press his lips to Alec’s, pushing him down and climbing atop him, kicking off his shoes as he did. Alec wrapped his hands around Magnus’ waist as they shuffled themselves up on the bed so Alec could rest his head on the pillows.

Cautiously, Magnus started to undo Alec’s zipper and he met no protests. Off his trousers came, a moment of awkwardness as he had to take off his shoes as well, but it passed swiftly. Alec was wearing red boxer briefs and, if he had been told this beforehand, it would have sent Magnus’ mind wild. But now he was here to see it, and it did wonderful things for his thoughts then too.

A look of nervousness appeared on Alec’s face as he was observed but he was gorgeous, he had no need to worry. With tiny flecks of dark hair dappled across his chest, thicker down towards his crotch that became hidden behind those wonderful red boxers, he was the image of perfection. It was a stark difference to his pale skin and it was more gorgeous because of that.

There was definition in him too despite the fact he never worked out. He was one of those lucky people that was naturally toned and Magnus wasn’t complaining. His biceps bulged, his pale skin taut across his body, especially over his hips. Magnus only had a moment to admire him, but it was enough time to appreciate how gorgeous he was.

For a second, Magnus didn’t realise it was the first time he had seen Alec without long sleeves on. But then he remembered, his mind triggered by the dark lines that covered his forearms. It sent his mind back to the dark places he had been, but thankfully, they weren’t the shade of red that meant they were fresh. They were all dark, a deep pigmentation against the skin, scarred and faded. Not new.

Unfortunately, Magnus had stared for too long and Alec caught him. He brought his hands to his sides, to hide them from view and Magnus felt terrible for gawping. That was not what they were meant for. Sometimes they were a cry for help but they were not an attention seeking thing, the scars were meant to release pain and take control of the one thing you could control; your body. He had not meant to stare.

So Magnus took off his trousers and threw them across the floor to reveal his own scars. These ones went across his thighs, thick and deep. They were old and faded but there was no mistaking them. A fair few dozen lay across both thighs in varying sizes. He could remember every story, every cause. Anyone could point to one and ask him, ‘why?’ and he would be able to answer with ease. He had hated them for a while but now they were merely another part of him.

This had the effect Magnus was looking for on Alec. His mouth hung agape and Magnus saw his hand twitch as if to reach out and touch them. Magnus, being the loving and giving person he was, took Alec’s hand and let him trace his fingers over the marks. He didn’t mind, he knew they were a part of his body and of his life, Alec could touch them in the same way he could touch the rest of his body.

“I don’t like mine.” Alec said after he’d finished.

Magnus took hold of Alec’s hand and pulled his wrist up to gently press his lips to the scars a couple of times. “I don’t think they should be liked or disliked.” Magnus said. “They’re just there to be there.”

He didn’t pull his hand away, instead he placed it on Magnus’ neck so he could pull him down and kiss him. This was a kiss of reassurance and love, and also of gratitude. Being more than happy to participate, Magnus kissed him back and their bodies met, skin on skin. As Alec began to thrust, Magnus decided he was going to be a benevolent lover. This was not the time for edging or anything of that ilk. It was all to be a giving sexual experience, not one where Alec would be begging for more.

Magnus rubbed his hand firmly at Alec’s growing erection through the fabric of his underwear. Alec moaned into his mouth and Magnus couldn’t help but rut his hips to get friction from Alec beneath him.

“Sorry.” Alec mumbled into his mouth.

Magnus pulled back.” What are you apologising for?”  
With an uncomfortable shuffle, Alec answered, “Some, um, people don’t like it when others make too much noise.”

There was clearly a backstory to this and where it all came from. Now was not the time to be asking questions, so Magnus took the responsibility of reassuring Alec that noises were wonderful things during sex. Not only did they give the ‘giver’ assurance as to what was enjoyable, it was also something that added to the pleasures of the experience. And Magnus did love to hear noises.

Alec pulled him down, their mouths colliding and Magnus moaned into Alec, both to assure him that noises were amazing and because it did feel fantastic. Taking to rubbing him again, Magnus could feel Alec’s erection swelling to its fullest. Craving to see Alec, Magnus slipped his hand underneath the fabric and stroked his cock that was wet with precum.

Biting his lip, Alec ran his hands across Magnus’ body and pushed them into Magnus’ briefs to grip at his bare ass. His nails were digging into Magnus’ skin, hard enough to bruise and Magnus thrust himself down so his own clothed cock rub against Alec's, the sensation flying across his body.

He slid the fabric off Alec and down his thighs to reveal his cock. There was a wet trail of precum left across his abdomen and Magnus smiled as he went down to run his tongue across the skin to lick it off. Alec whimpered beneath, throwing his head back into the pillows as he did.

Every single one of Magnus’ nerves was alive, with each touch of Alec’s fingers Magnus could feel his blood racing through his body and down towards his cock that was achingly hard. The pressure of his underwear was painfully tight but the sight of Alec was more overwhelming.

Magnus ran his tongue up the curved length of Alec’s cock up to the sensitive head. Instantly, Alec’s hands were immersed in Magnus’ hair and Magnus licked him slow and lovingly. Every time he reached the head, he took it between his lips and sucked before using his tongue to make him as wet as possible.

Every now and again, he pressed his open mouth up and down him to savour Alec and his taste. When he took all of his cock into his mouth and throat, he groaned against him sending vibrations across Alec’s now sweating body. Hollowing his cheeks, he moaned at the desperate manner in which Alec had begun thrusting into his mouth. Sometimes it was a bit much but Magnus could cope, deep throating was not difficult for him.

Looking up to Alec as he licked another slow line from his base to the head of his cock, he saw Alec’s eyes rolling back as he moaned. The sight made the pressure build at his own cock and he rutted his hips into the bed to relieve it, not believing he was affected so soon by him.

Knowing Alec had to be stretched, Magnus pressed his lips across Alec’s pelvic bone, running his tongue over his hips and to his chest. Nipping with an open mouth across his collarbone, he then settled on his neck and sucked, using his tongue to go over the red mark he had left.

Magnus sat up and reached over to his bedside table to get the lubricant. Alec observed him as he opened the cap and poured it over his hands, coating his fingers. When Alec swallowed, his pupils dilated at this point, Magnus brought both of Alec’s knees up and kissed his way down Alec’s thigh, running his tongue once more up his cock which made him writhe beneath him.

With absolute caution, Magnus pressed a finger into Alec. He moaned oddly at the contact and Magnus asked if he was okay to carry on, furious nodding following. Continuing with eased motions, Magnus massaged his finger as Alec pulsed around him. He added a second finger and then a third, stretching Alec as he moaned and whimpered at the touch. He thrust himself against the contact and Magnus couldn’t help but do the same at the sight of him. Massaging his prostate once, Alec practically squealed in delight and Magnus couldn’t wait any longer.

Before he removed his fingers, he kissed his way with an open mouth up Alec’s abdomen and chest. Lingering on his neck to suck and lick again, he then went to Alec’s lips and stayed there so Alec could wrap his arms around Magnus’ neck, thrusting his hips so his cock rubbed against Magnus’ stomach.

Pulling off his boxers hastily, Magnus then ripped open a condom packet with his teeth and stretched it down his own throbbing length. The lubricant he poured over himself was cold and he stoked himself to coat his cock, ready to push himself into Alec.

Alec had gotten himself a pillow to put beneath his hips and Magnus took his thighs to put them atop his own before he pressed his cock into him. Despite Alec wrapping his legs around his waist, Magnus still eased him into it, moving his hips gently to stretch him with his large cock.

Magnus leaned down and connected their mouths again, grinding their bodies together, skin on skin. He would not rush for he wanted to feel Alec, learn his body and the things that made him react in fits of pleasure. Their lips were wet, sloppy and messy against the other as they truly felt each other for the first time.

With each movement of their bodies, Magnus could feel himself waking up, his body remembering the feeling of someone else so close to him in such an intimate way. His thrusts were long and each one was deeper than the one before. Alec was a little tight around him but he still felt good, especially with Alec’s eager lips tugging at Magnus’, nipping at them.

The tightening in Magnus’ stomach grew and it was clear the same was happening to Alec as he clung to Magnus tightly. His hips were moving in time with Magnus to get the extent of his thrusts so he could press his prostate. Each time his cock met Alec’s sweet spot, he made a strangled whimper that made the pressure build at the base of Magnus’ cock.

He began moving at an increased speed, unable to stop himself. Their lips parted but they did not leave in proximity, they merely breathed hot air over each other as Magnus slapped his thighs against Alec’s ass. They were getting messier, Magnus’ thrusts losing their rhythm and becoming erratic as their grasp on each other tightened, their fingers digging deep into the skin.

Faster he went, no longer slow and loving, this was desperate and eager. Magnus bowed his head, burying his face in Alec’s shoulder as the pressure in his cock grew further. Alec bit into Magnus’ shoulder hard and moaned from the depths of his throat as Magnus wrapped a hand around Alec’s length. He rubbed him up and down, covering his hand in Alec’s precum which leaked heftily from the head.

Alec’s body had arched up and he was begging for more, yearning to come as he immersed his head into the pillow. Magnus was finding it difficult to last and he did all he could to rub Alec as the sweat ran across their bodies. His desperate hands were pulling Magnus close, keeping their bodies together as they moved as one, orgasms close.

They were calling each other’s names, each thrust getting harder. Magnus had not intended to be so rough but he couldn’t help it. His body was eager, craving Alec’s body, he couldn’t restrain himself. And, with Alec whimpering beneath him, Magnus got the impression he didn’t mind. Alec’s walls were getting tighter and Magnus knew neither could last any longer.

With an explicit moan, Alec came in hot, white spurts. His whole body twitched, his cock throbbing as the come coated his stomach. Thankfully, a mere few seconds later, Magnus was coming too, his heart pounding and sweat covering his body. Their chests collided as they regained composure, their bodies exhausted.

Magnus’ come filled the condom and he pulled out, removing the protection that was overflowing with semen. His muscles ached and he collapsed next to Alec, his body running on the adrenaline from the sweeping orgasm.

Magnus ran a hand through his hair and smiled through deep breaths. He looked to Alec and found him looking back, his chest falling and rising in rapid motions. He reached a hand up and stroked his thumb across Alec’s cheek.

“Baby, that was good.” Magnus said, smiling.

Alec tensed up. “Can you, uh, not call me that please?” Alec asked between short breaths.

“Okay.” Magnus said, nodding and wanting to ask why, but knowing this was neither the time nor place to ask.

Smiling, Alec turned on his side and rested his head on his hand. “Thank you.” Alec said softly.

As Magnus mimicked the motion, he asked, “For what?”

Alec’s cheeks filled with blood. Magnus loved him blushing more than anything. “For, you know, going gently.”

Magnus’ heart had filled with elation and he found himself falling completely in love with every second that passed. “Do you know how wonderful you are?”

The blushing continued but he did not leave Magnus’ gaze. “Magnus, I love you.”

“And I love you.” Magnus repeated and he pressed his lips to Alec’s. “We still have pizza from last night, do you want me to heat it up and bring it in?”

Alec nodded and Magnus slid on his boxers before padding out of his bedroom and to the kitchen. He heated up the pizza, there was only four slices left, and then made some coffee too, the way Alec liked it with half a sugar and a bit of milk; not too sweet but not too bitter either. Then it was back into the bedroom with their nutritious meal.

As was the way Alec was, he had put his own boxers on and folded both his own and Magnus’ clothing into two neat piles and put them on the desk. Once again, Alec had warmed his heart to the largest extent. After putting the food and beverages down, he sat himself next to Alec and kissed him.

Then it was onto the pizza. And they chatted comfortably as Alec had put another level of trust into Magnus after their first sexual encounter. With his confidence level rising higher, Magnus was getting to see more of Alec. He was learning each day about who Alec was underneath his tough and shy skin.

Each layer that was unveiled was more lovable than the last. Magnus adored him increasingly with nothing to stop him. This was the deepest sort of love he had ever felt and he wanted nothing more than to love him and to show him love for the rest of his days.

“You’re really gorgeous.” Alec said confidently as he finished his first slice of pizza.

“Thank you.” Magnus said, beaming at Alec. “But I must let you know, you are more gorgeous than I.”

“Not possible.” Alec said. Then he paused. “I have to confess something.”

Magnus furrowed his brow and waited for Alec to speak.

“Do you remember when you baked those cookies for one of your clients?” Alec asked.

Magnus shook his head, not recalling the specific time. He baked for many of his clients, it was a nice thing he did for when they had done particularly well or when they needed cheering up. Baking was his thing, he liked to do it. So he couldn’t remember the exact time Alec was referring to.

“It was the hottest day of the year and you were wearing only that apron and the shorts. Do you remember?”

This piece of information did trigger Magnus’ memory but he didn’t know why Alec was recalling it.

“It was a hot day and you weren’t wearing much, and um, I may have watched you work.” Alec said as if it was the worst thing in the world.

“Okay?” Magnus smiled at Alec, chuckling. “It’s all right if you admire the view Alec. I know it’s a nice one.”

“There’s more.” Alec said. “I may have wanted you to take the shorts off and just… Well, work in the apron… I may have thought about that a lot.” He cleared his throat and tensed up.

Magnus licked his lips. “So you want me to bake in purely my apron, huh?” Magnus asked, grinning at Alec whose face lit up like a cherry.

“I mean, well, I, you know, I,” Alec stuttered, “I thought about it a lot, I didn’t necessarily want it to happen, I was just thinking about it… As you do, I guess.”

“We could make it happen, this fantasy you have.” Magnus suggested nonchalantly. “We could get you an apron too, now _that_ would be fun.”

“But I don’t bake.” Alec made an attempt at a weak protest.

“Trust me my dear, we wouldn’t be doing much baking.” Magnus said and his grin grew. “I do love you, an awful lot.”

“Good.” Alec said and he kissed Magnus, a grin set upon his lips.

They stayed up for most of the night, into the early hours of the morning chatting about the little things in life. It would appear that, since opening up about his brother, Alec was confident enough to talk about the smaller things. He told Magnus a few tales, about his little brother and sister and who they were to him. He even spoke about Jace and Clary and Simon and the things they did together once upon a time, some of the times they were happy together and times they were not.

This was good news to Magnus. These were difficult memories, they had to be for Alec had repressed them down to a time where he could only tell them after true trust had been initiated. Now he was telling Magnus about the time Jace had made him laugh so hard he snorted lemonade out of his nose and it sounded like something without importance, but it had hidden depth. There was no way Alec would have told him this if they hadn’t had sex. This was Alec opening up and reliving these things for the first time in years.

His progress had been great and Magnus couldn’t help but feel pride in both himself and Alec for where they had come from. Even the next day, when he was counselling Will again, he found himself taking pride and thinking back to the night before.

“You seem to be getting distracted today Magnus.” Will said, pulling him back from his daydream about Alec and his hips.

“Sorry.” Magnus said and he meant it. His attention was meant to be on Will, not Alec, his counselling was necessary and he wasn’t allowed to daydream.

“Where’s your head?” Will asked.

“That’s a prying question.” Magnus noted.

“You do say we’re friends, so if you ask prying questions, then I should be able to.” Will commented.

It was a fair point. “If you must know,” Magnus began with a shrug. “I had sex last night.”

“Congratulations.” Will said with a nod. “With someone you like, huh? You wouldn’t be as cheery if that weren’t the case.”

“With someone I like a lot, yes.”

Will seemed satisfied with this answer. They paused for a moment, then Will said, “I visited my family, finally.”

Magnus wasn’t expecting this. Will had put it off for months despite Magnus’ consistent encouraging. And now he had done it. An achievement had been made and Magnus wrote it down.

“How did you like my sister?” Will asked, his voice strained.

For a moment, Magnus was confused. Then, as the realisation hit, he tutted. Will was looking at him with a frost over his eyes. Magnus did not like that look, he liked Will to look at him with warmth and compassion. With cold eyes, Will was distant towards him, Magnus wanted Will close. “I told them not to tell you I’d been there.”

“Gabriel pulled me aside, told me ‘Magnus Bane has been to visit and he told us not to tell you.’ That’s the way he is, you know.” Will’s tone had gone stiff and Magnus could feel the trust leaving the room every second that passed.

“By the Angel, he’s an ass, isn’t he?”

“Cece’s made him better but he still has his tendencies. Why did you go there Magnus?”

“Not for the reason you seem to think.” Magnus declared. “I had no idea it was your sister’s apartment until she mentioned her name was Cecily Herondale, and _then_ I realised she was your sister. What happened was, I was looking for a ring my… my friend sold at the market, Gideon overheard and he said his father had bought the ring, we ended up at your sister’s apartment. Before you say anything, I told them not to tell you because I thought you might think I was trying to intervene when it wasn’t my place to intervene.”

“You’re sure that’s the truth?”

“Do you not trust me anymore?”

“I do. I’m sorry.” Will said. “You know what I’m like, what can you do?” He shrugged and gave a half-smile.

Magnus moved passed the moment. “What happened when you turned up?”

“Gabe shrugged and Cecily cried.”

“Was anyone else there?”

Will shook his head. “I was glad though, I’m trying to ease myself in. Two at a time. I’ll think about visiting my parents in a couple of months, maybe. With Christmas coming up, I know Cece’s going to invite me round and everyone else will be there, so I’ll probably prepare myself to see everyone then. But hey, it’s a start right?”

“It’s a good start.” Magnus assured. “How do you feel now?”

“A little better. More than I expected. I don’t feel great, I barely feel good, but I get to see my annoying sister now without feeling such shame.”

Magnus wrote the shame part down, including how his sister was the subject of the sentence. “You still feel shame?”

“Didn’t we cover this last time?” Will was uncomfortable talking about the main situation he was there for.

“We did, but I thought we managed to get you out of the shame and regret part of it.”

“It came back. It always does. Not as strongly as it did once, but now, it’s little pangs of regret. It’s these papercuts where, for a moment I’ve forgotten about it, and I feel regret for forgetting because it is not something I should forget. I should always remember it and to forget, to go on idly, that’s not right. I have to remember to make myself feel better.”

Will had such an issue with regret and forgiveness. It was his biggest problem and getting over that would be the key to getting him better. This obstacle was enormous and, every time it started to shrink, it would grow again. Every now and again, Magnus thought this session might be the last, or maybe the next one would be, but then something would come along and halt his progress. It was exhausting for Magnus, so he could only imagine how bad it was for Will himself.

The rest of the session, Magnus talked for the most part. Mainly, he spoke about how regret can sometimes fill you up so much, you don’t even think about the forgiveness part. He mentioned that the regret Will had for what happened to his sister, Ella, had filled him up to such an extent, he didn’t think forgiveness was possible for him.

Magnus had to find a way to make him see that what happened to Ella was not his fault and, despite looking for forgiveness, he didn’t need it. He had been trying to get Will to see this for weeks, almost since their first session together but he needed to realise it for himself. That did not appear to be happening any time soon.

When Magnus got home, he found Alec slumped on the sofa which made Magnus panic. After taking off his shoes and hanging up his fashionable trench coat, he sat next to Alec. The both of them settled into their regular position subconsciously, Magnus with his arm over Alec as Alec settled in beside him. Then, he waited for him to talk.

“I saw Valentine today.” Alec said as if he knew what Magnus was thinking.

Somehow, he always did.

“Are you allowed to give up your apartment?”

“Yes. But I have to pay the rent again, for the last time.” Alec sighed. “I’m sorry, I’ll pay you back one day.”

“Don’t you worry about it.” Magnus assured. “Do you want me to give you the money to drop in?”

“No.” Alec said. “I don’t like going back there… Would it be too much to ask you to go down?”

“Of course not.” Magnus kissed into Alec’s hair. “Do you want me to do it tomorrow? My first session isn’t until two, I’ve got time to do it in the morning.”

Alec agreed and promised to make it up to Magnus. It sounded inherently sexual, but it wasn’t intended like that. Magnus didn’t point it out either, instead they cuddled and kissed and watched bad films on TV. They didn’t pay any attention to those films though, their attention was focused entirely on the other’s lips and running their hands over each other’s bodies.

The next day, it appeared pathetic fallacy was playing a part on Magnus. It was dreary, not necessarily uncharacteristically dreary, but it was so all the same. The clouds had covered any sign of blue in the sky and the occasional bursts of rain made Magnus have to wrap up and take an umbrella. Alec had woken up early and he had seen the umbrella and gotten frightened. There was definitely an interesting story behind this fear but Magnus had to get out and see Valentine, so he didn’t have the time to ask what kind of thing made a person scared of umbrellas.

Alec’s building was bleaker in this sort of weather. The already grey tones managed to get duller and the cracks in the concrete got darker. It was intimidating and Magnus would have loved to walk right on by, but he couldn’t. He was doing this for Alec and he would not stop until he was done.

Shuddering as he went in, Magnus went straight for the door Alec had knocked on when the two had been their together. A fair few minutes passed before Valentine opened the door. He looked strangely clean, a stark contrast to his surroundings in his white shirt and jeans, but Magnus did not think questioning anything about this place or this man would do him any sorts of good.

“What?” Valentine didn’t remember him, which Magnus found shocking since Magnus had a beautiful face and he should always be remembered.

“I have Alexander Lightwood’s rent.” Magnus said as he removed an envelope from his coat and handed it over to Valentine who snatched it from him.

It was at this moment the front door opened. Magnus turned his head to see that damned Sebastian walk in, running a hand through his wet hair; it was raining again. He looked like a wet dog or a rat. Sure, there was something attractive about him but Magnus loathed him for some reason he didn’t know, and he preferred to compare him to some form of rodent instead of an angel.

When he saw Magnus, he scowled and looked him up and down. Magnus mimicked the motion but finished it by looking at Valentine instead, to show his disinterest. He was fiddling with the money vigorously and Magnus could see him doing the hard math of counting in his head.

A phone rang inside Valentine’s apartment and he scoffed as he looked in. “Wait here.” He commanded of Magnus.

Magnus raised his hands as an act of surrender and Valentine disappeared inside. This, apparently, gave Sebastian the perfect opportunity to lean against the bannister as he had before, but there was more threat in this stance. However, Magnus did not feel very threatened by this boy with the petty glares.

“You’re back then.” Sebastian said, kissing his teeth.

“Wow, you’ve got some good eyes on you there. Have you ever thought about using those powers for good?” Magnus responded, failing to smile.

Sebastian’s eyes darkened. “You think you’re better than me, with your fancy coat and your bloody eyeliner. You’re not.”

“That’s quite the presumption to make.” Magnus commented. “If you have self-esteem issues, I know some therapists who could help.”

“What’re you doing with Alec?” Sebastian asked, not taking note of what he had said.

“What cause for concern do you have for him?”

Sebastian shrugged. “I’m curious.”

This confused Magnus for a moment but he refused to allow Sebastian to get the better of him. “Well don’t be curious, he has no reason to be here or around you any longer. Please, forget his existence.”

Sebastian laughed and he stepped forward, coming close to Magnus. Closer than he liked. He was shorter than Magnus but he had a height in his confidence, in his threats, that brought him up. But Magnus knew how to deal with thugs like him. He refused to be intimidated.

“I don’t like you.” Sebastian said.

“You’re basing your judgement on what, two minutes of knowing each other? That’s interesting. I’ll make sure to keep note of that in my list of things I don’t give a shit about, which doesn’t exist by the way, in case you were wondering.” Magnus gave him a fake smile.

“I wasn’t.”

“That breaks my heart. I wonder if I’ll ever recover.” Magnus said, his most mocking tone coming out.

“You should be scared of m- " Sebastian began but was cut off by his father opening the door.

Valentine, once again taking no notice of anything that was going on, said, “You can go.” And shut the door again.

“It pains me to know I will never see your face again.” Magnus called over his shoulder as he walked out of the building, not giving Sebastian a chance to respond.

He was glad that moment was over. Something about Sebastian made Magnus’ skin crawl and he hated being near him and near that building. So he revelled in the fact he would never have to go there again or see Sebastian either. He was not a pleasant man and Magnus did not like dealing with unpleasant men.

If he had gone all day thinking about Sebastian, it would have been a bad day indeed but, thankfully, he bumped into a familiar and much more pleasant face; Will Herondale. He was out with his sister and they had gone for coffee somewhere to chat and be family like they should have always been. It was awkward for a moment, Cecily still thinking Will didn’t know Magnus had come to visit. Luckily, that was resolved and he was invited to have a drink with them. To get out of the rain, he agreed.

He stayed with them for a little while and they spoke about nothing in particular, Will easing himself into the normality of the whole situation. If Magnus was honest, he felt like his presence had been good for Will, it meant there were less awkward silences and more questions could be asked. Magnus: The Angel who was Always Giving, that’s what he felt like his title should have been. Will also openly spoke about his next appointments with Magnus, and that was definitely not something he had been expecting. It was an improvement.

The next few weeks passed and Will managed to visit his sister more and more, he even attempted to call his parents but that had gone awry. Progress was progress though and Magnus understood that. He also liked to see Will looking happy and hopeful, so he made sure to praise him. It took time to heal, a lot of time in some cases, and Magnus was a patient man. It could be frustrating and sometimes Magnus wanted to have the power to will people to do things, but he knew that was impossible. So he would give aid and he would wait and it would be okay in the end. Magnus looked forward to the day Will was happy again.

Hallowe’en came and Magnus and Alec went to some party that ended up being terrible and they didn’t even get to dress up because Alec wasn’t into that. Magnus didn’t blame him but he did love playing dress up. Instead, they just made out in the corner and ignored the stupid Hallowe’en music that came with the night itself. That definitely improved his night.

Over the course of the next few weeks, Alec had managed to open up more, telling Magnus specific details instead of generic tales. They had sex quite a bit too, Alec always on his back having yet to explain why he didn’t like going on his front. He wouldn’t ask why yet, hoping Alec would tell him. Patience was key.

Once, they got a little adventurous and Magnus edged Alec until he was on the verge of screaming loud enough for New York to hear. It had gone down a treat, and Magnus knew to bring it out on special occasions to indulge Alec when he needed it. Other than that, their sex was rather vanilla but Magnus knew how to make it good and Alec made incredible noises to show how much he enjoyed it.

His confidence was growing every day and he had begun waking up earlier too. Regularly now, he was waking up at ten, sometimes even before, showering and then getting on with the rest of his day. Seeing Magnus off before he went put him in a wonderful mood and that would usually mean sex later on.

Magnus had helped him apply for a few jobs and he had been offered interviews for two of them but Alec had gotten nervous beforehand and had to cancel. But the fact he had applied was boding well for him. Steps were being made in the right direction, and that was what Alec needed to feel better.

Magnus had come in from a long day’s work, full sessions from eight until seven and he had come home, hoping for a foot rub on this cold November evening, knowing Alec would just scoff in his face. Instead, he opened the door and did not find Alec in the front room where he usually was. Putting away his coat and shoes, Magnus made his way through the apartment, expecting to find him in the chill room or in the bathroom or even in the spare room. He was in none of those.

That left only Magnus’ bedroom and Magnus was intrigued as to why he would be in the there. Inside, he found Alec underneath covers with bare arms waiting for him. This was entirely unexpected but Magnus was not exactly unhappy about it.

“Are you naked under there?” Magnus asked, raising his eyebrows in a knowing fashion.

Alec, nervously, nodded his head as if it were something Magnus would not be glad for. Even after all this time of Magnus kissing and loving him and his body, he still got nervous he would do something Magnus would not like. It was tragic but, slowly, Magnus was teaching him that everything he did was good. And very sexy on the occasion.

“Did you get started? Or were you waiting for me?” Magnus asked as he made his way to the bed, undoing his tie and placing it on the table before he started unbuttoning his shirt.

“I waited.” Alec answered, watching Magnus.

“What a good boy you are.” Magnus praised, Alec blushing.

He blushed less now, but he still managed to illuminate his face and it always made Magnus smile.

He undressed steadily, teasing Alec as he remained in only his boxers when he was done. He climbed on top of the bed and pressed kisses up the bare skin that was on show. When Magnus got to Alec’s lips, he lightly licked his way across his mouth and then into it, teasing Alec more than usual.

“Do you want to go on your front today Alec?” Magnus asked into Alec’s mouth.

Alec pulled away. “No.”

Magnus, worried he had insulted Alec, pulled away too. But this time, he was going to ask. He didn’t want to offend him or push him too far, he was just so curious at this point he couldn’t help it. “Can I ask why?”

“I’m not sure you’ll want to know.” Alec said. “I’d have to start at the beginning, it could be a long story.”

“I do want to hear it, if you’re okay to tell it.”

Alec nodded and Magnus manoeuvred off of him, leaning on his hand to watch Alec as he told the story. Alec, however, stayed on his back, looking up at the ceiling as he prepared himself to talk.

“I think I’ve mentioned him a couple of times, but do you remember the third guy I had a relationship with?”

Magnus had remembered the mention of rape, and he said, “Yes.”

“Well, it was Sebastian. I met him when I moved into Valentine’s building. He showed me around my apartment and he was really flirty and he kept saying nice things to me. I didn’t think anything of it, but there was this one time, a couple of weeks into me living there when I had Jace up, he knocked on my door and Jace said he should come in. And then Jace pointed out he was hitting on me and that I deserved something good so I invited him up more often.

He was nice, he said I had pretty eyes. And he had the cheesiest chat up lines but he used them to make me laugh, not to properly hit on me. That sounds kind of stupid, but it was the way I sort of enjoyed it and I liked him. He was the loveliest person, you know? Like I couldn’t even think for a second that he had an ounce of bad in him. He was wonderful and funny, and kind too.

And we didn’t have sex for a while, and I thought the world of him. After everything I had gone through, he just sort of understood me without me even having to say a thing. For some time, he managed to help me too. Like, I never properly showed him my scars but he never seemed interested in them. He made me feel better about myself, my body, and who I was. And he waited for me, and I was more grateful for him every day.

The first time we had sex, it was great. Stupid as it sounds, it was, you know, gentle and sweet, and nice. He didn’t pressure me, he was kind to me. I felt loved almost. Everything was good with him, the sex, the dates, I almost felt happy. I actually thought, with everyone in my life, I was getting something nice for once. It was naïve of me, but I genuinely thought that, maybe, I would get better and life would get better too.

But then, he, um, he stopped being lovely. He started doing things I didn’t really want to do during sex. It started like, small things, like finishing before me and not, you know, uh, letting me finish with his help. And then he would go straight into it before even prepping, and then it was tying to the bed, and degrading comments you know, like you see in that shitty kind of porn.” Alec attempted a smile but there were a few tear streaks making their way down his face. His voice was breaking as he spoke. “And I didn’t think anything of it. I sort of assumed that, maybe, that was the way sex got after a while, I didn’t know. You know, you never get taught about abusive relationships until it’s too late.

Mainly it was because, for a while, when we weren’t having sex, he was so, so, so kind. He would go from calling me… I don’t want to give examples, but he would go from calling me some not nice things, to making me breakfast and telling me he loved me. I just went along with it for so long, for too long.

It was only after me and Jace got drunk one night and we were talking about sex that he sobered up in one single moment. And he said ‘Alec, that’s rape.’ Still, it didn’t hit home till we had sex again, and it wasn’t sex anymore, it was rape. I mean, other than the first few times, it had never been sex, it had always been rape. And I felt like such a fool, like an absolute ass because I had been so naïve, but I didn’t know what to do.

Everything sort of crashed down around me again, and I realised I never get anything good. And this was yet another thing to add to the way I lived. On top of that, I couldn’t break up with him, because how do you do that? How are you supposed to break up with someone who you realise you’re scared of? I couldn’t. I really couldn’t do it.

Jace kept telling me, over and over, he was like ‘Alec, break up with him, you can’t stay with him.’ Every time, I would tell him, ‘okay, I’ll do later’ and it was always later. I was stupid because I could, I could see it in him, you know? When he was still, doing, uh, rape, he was the most disgusting thing I had ever met and when it was over, he switched, as if he was a completely different person. It was all an act and I could see it but I couldn’t stop myself from being a part of it.

One day, I brought him to a dinner with Jace and Clary, and Simon and Iz. I mean, I never liked to see them after I fell back to how I was, but I was trying... So I went and I brought him with me. As you can imagine, it didn’t go well.

Jace stood up the second he saw us, and he started yelling at him. They had a full on fight and I hate confrontation, especially physical confrontation, so I didn’t know what to do with myself. I backed up Sebastian instead of Jace and I punched him, Jace, square in the face. Thinking back, I didn’t even hesitate, I just did it. I don’t even know why, I just did.

Then Sebastian dragged me home, away from the mess he and Jace had left at the restaurant, and he hit me. It was the first time he had hit me like that, but he didn’t stop with one. He kept hitting me, over and over and the way he sort of, you know, exhausted my mind when I was around him, I didn’t fight back, I gave up. He hit me, and he wouldn’t stop. He kept yelling things like ‘what the fuck have you been telling them about me?’ and ‘why can’t you do as you’re told?’ and I took it, I let him do it.

After that, he left our apartment, saying how he didn’t want to look at my face for a while. Thank Raziel for Jace though, because he came over to see me. I apologised as many times as my mouth would let me, but he took one look at my bloodied face and the pained way I walked, and he told me to forget it. He said he understood what I had done because of the way I had been messed over in the head, and the way I was looking now meant I never had to apologise for the way I acted ever again.

He helped me gather my things and, and took me over to his apartment. Jace cleaned my face up, and bandaged what needed bandaging and I couldn’t stop apologising, and then I was apologising for my apologising. I was a mess.

I was sat on the sofa when Sebastian burst through Jace’s door, yelling and screaming about how I wasn’t allowed to leave and that Jace had no right to take me away. It was as if I was property or something like that, something he owned. And Jace, in the calmest manner said ‘if you ever come back here again, or try to contact Alec, I will, myself, call the police and happily go to jail for slicing your throat.’ I have never felt so relieved to have such a wonderful friend in my life.

And I can never repay him, I’m indebted to him. I’ve been such a fool, an absolute idiot, and I need to say sorry but I can’t face him. I just can’t.” Alec finished with a breathy sniffle, “And Sebastian would always rape me on my front and I’ve never trusted anyone enough to do that again.”

Tear streaks rode down Alec’s face and Magnus’ heart broke into a million pieces. He couldn’t have imagined it being that bad. Magnus swallowed and he kissed Alec on the cheek, welling up but not letting the tears fall. This was Alec’s moment, not Magnus’. Magnus did not think Alec would take comfort in Magnus crying with him. Not at that moment at least.

“I’m such a wuss.” Alec said, smiling weakly as he wiped away his tears.

“Why?” Magnus asked, taking hold of one of Alec’s hands and gripping it as tightly as he could without hurting him. He could never hurt Alec.

“Because babies cry.” Alec said. “Not adults.”

“But why do babies cry?” Magnus asked, prompting for an answer.

Alec shrugged. “For help I guess.” He wiped at his eyes again.

“So why can’t adults do the same?”

Again, Alec shrugged but he would not answer this time.

“Crying is not an act of weakness or strength, it’s a need for help, especially in public I think. I don’t believe we shouldn’t be able to cry because we’re adults. We need help too sweetheart.” Magnus brought Alec’s hand up and kissed it. “People need help, _everyone_ needs help and to think crying is babyish is unfair on yourself.”

“So you don’t think I’m a wimp?” Alec asked, finally looking towards Magnus, his blue eyes engulfed by red.

“You are not a wimp my love, you could never be a wimp. You are strong and I love you.” Magnus said.

Alec sighed in a shaky breath. Then he smiled and Magnus leaned forward to kiss him reassuringly. They settled in after that, sex seeming off the table. Magnus got under the covers, forgetting about food or anything of that sort as he hugged Alec into his chest, playing with his hand idly.

“Can I meet your friends?” Magnus asked after Alec had settled down.

“Which friends?”

“Jace, Isabelle, Clary, and Simon.” Magnus clarified.

“Why?”

“Because I want to know you more, and friends are a big part of that.”

There was silence and Magnus thought Alec was going to say no for a second.

But Alec was always full of surprises.

“They meet every Saturday morning at this café, near the waterfront by the State College. I used to be a part of that ritual, it kept us all together when we started living separate lives, but I stopped going.” Alec said. “I know they still go because, sad as it is, I check over there every now and again and I see them. They’re happy.”

“Do you mind if I meet them?”

Alec shook his head. “As long as I don’t have to come too, you can go.”

Saturday couldn’t come fast enough. Not only was Magnus eager to meet Alec’s friends, but the week had been exhausting with consistent sessions going almost the entire day every day. He did love counselling but everyone needed a break sometimes. Soon enough, Christmas would be around, and Magnus loved Christmas.

Saturday morning came and Magnus parted from Alec with a kiss. He was oddly comfortable with Magnus going to see his friends without him, but, since Magnus was getting what he wanted, he didn’t want to ask why Alec was so incredibly chilled as he got up with bedhead in only his pyjama bottoms. That was enticing enough for Magnus to want to remain there with Alec but he had a plan and he couldn’t stay.

The café Alec had told him about was busy and Magnus worried he wouldn’t be able to find Alec’s friends. But, since it was a quartet of a blonde, a redhead, dark haired, and glasses, Magnus got the impression they would be an easy spot. So he went inside and searched.

Without much time passing, Magnus spotted them. They were sat around a small table, each one with some sort of hot drink by them. He prepared himself, took a deep breath, and approached. They didn’t look up until he cleared his throat when beside their table.

“Hi.” Magnus said, feeling tense all of a sudden. “You are Jace, Clary, Simon, and Isabelle, correct?” Magnus asked, looking at them in turn.

They all looked worried for their safety.

“Do we know you?” Isabelle asked, furrowing his brow and staring at Magnus as she tried to distinguish him. That would, of course, not work.

“No, you don’t.” Magnus said before he realised being ambiguous was not going to help the situation. “I’m friends with Alec Lightwood.”

Isabelle’s face softened. “You know where he is?”

“I do. Can I join your table for a moment?”

As he received some eager nods, he grabbed a spare chair from the next table and sat himself between Clary and Isabelle.

“A few months ago,” Magnus began as they waited to hear news, “Alec was going to commit suicide. I helped to not do so, and I’ve been counselling him ever since. We’re also dating, but that’s beside the point. I wanted to alert you, because I don’t think he’s told you he’s still around.”

“How is he?” Jace asked, maintaining eye contact.

“He’s getting better.” Magnus answered. “Every day, he’s improving. I wanted to meet the people who, perchance, had the biggest impact in his life because he doesn’t feel up to facing you, _yet_. And that yet is a big one.”

“What do you mean?” Clary asked.

“I want to try something with Alec’s therapy.”

* * *

Alec was nervous, there was no doubt about that. After Magnus had come home on Saturday, Alec waiting anxiously on the sofa for the entirety of the time he was gone, Alec heard news of his friends. Magnus told them they were well. Then he told him that, if Alec was okay with it, Magnus wanted to invite them to Alec’s next therapy session. This was not something Alec had been expecting.

What was also strange to him was that he had said yes. A minimal amount of hesitation did occur, but he had agreed. Agreed to see his friends after months of being apart from their lives, immersing himself in their company whilst he would be talking about the intimate moments in his life. It was not something Alec had ever thought he would be prepared for, but he was jumping into the deep end, hoping his happiness lay at the top where he would rise up.

Now he just had to make the jump.

So there he sat in Magnus’ office, waiting for his old friends to turn up so they could discuss him and his feelings. He hated talking about his feelings but this would be good for him. It had to be if Magnus was encouraging him to do it. Magnus seemed to know what was best, and he trusted him.

Magnus was sat at his desk, writing as per usual, and he wore these reading glasses when he wrote that Alec found incredibly… sexy. However, he wasn’t paying attention to him. There was still ten minutes before Jace and the others were meant to turn up, and Alec was focusing on the tick of the clock above the door. Usually he would be watching the world outside, not today though. Today he was watching time go by in the more literal sense.

Fiddling with his nails, Alec continued to watch as each second went by, finding himself almost hoping they wouldn’t turn up or that something would stop them from coming. A fire perhaps, or Magnus having some sort of emergency. Sure, he wanted to see them but he couldn’t help this panic settling over him. It had been so long after all.

The buzz that came when someone was outside the door alerted both Magnus and Alec to their presence. Magnus took off his glasses and Alec found himself standing but he didn’t know why. He was sure he was going to collapse at any second as his knees were shaking violently. Magnus looked at him with some concern before he held his hand out and Alec took it.

After reassuring Alec he would be fine, the two of them made their way through the office and into the small room before the counselling room, where four figures could be seen through the blurred glass of the window. For sure now, Alec thought he was going to faint. He let go of Magnus’ hand as he approached the front door and Magnus didn’t look back as he seemed to expect Alec would rather wait in the far corner than meet his friends at the threshold.

The door opened in such a way that he could not see his friends as Magnus welcomed them in. This was both great and not so for it prolonged the torture. It also meant he had a second to prepare himself before he saw their faces again.

Clary was first in and she looked the exact same as Alec remembered. Her fiery curls bounced along as she walked, and she was still short of course, especially compared to Magnus who was even taller than Alec. But she knew she was feisty, and it didn’t bother her, she was confident in her height, you could tell by the way she walked. The freckles dotted across her cheeks and nose made her less intimidating but she would never admit to that.

When she saw Alec, her eyes lit up and she walked towards him with increased speed, the smile wide on her lips. Alec swallowed and shifted his weight between both legs. Clary was not an awkward person, there was nothing about her that was uncomfortable, so when she opened her arms for a hug, Alec mimicked the motion without a second thought. And they hugged. Her being considerably lacking in the height department had no effect on their embrace, Alec merely rested his head atop hers and kept her close.

Alec had long forgotten about hugging, but he embraced it all the same. It was a gesture of love and Alec had begun opening his heart to love. And it started here, with Clary, a dear friend of his who had almost become foreign to him.

Then he spotted Simon at the door, watching the two of them. He too, looked exactly the same, but he might have changed his glasses, Alec didn’t know. As always, he was wearing some comic book shirt that had various references dotted all over that Alec had absolutely no clue about. He also stood awkwardly, but that was just him. Alec knew and remembered him well.

Alec pulled away from Clary and looked at Simon who, without a moment’s hesitation, approached him and hugged him. As was the way when men hugged, there was the tapping of each other’s backs, but this was gentler than most men would have done. It was reassuring and, despite never having shown much affection to Simon before, it felt right now to hug him.

He looked up and saw both Isabelle and Jace watching him intently, their eyes blurred. Perhaps from them welling up or maybe it was Alec who was welling up, at this point he didn’t know nor care. He was with his friends again in a way he never expected to be.

Jace hugged him next, but there was no tapping of each other’s backs. This was a tight embrace, their faces buried desperately into each other’s shoulders and necks. It was in no way sexual or romantic, it was purely platonic and brotherly. Jace was the same as well, though he had tidied up his hair. It was reassuring to Alec that none of them had changed much since he had been away, perhaps that was because he liked the idea nothing had changed between them.

Finally, Isabelle hugged him. She was still her usual Isabelle, however she had single tear streak down her cheek and that was not something Alec was accustom to. He wiped it away with his thumb and hugged her. He knew this would make the tears fall down his own cheeks but he had missed his sister too dearly to care. He buried his face in her neck and swayed with her in his arms.

His friend were here, with him and hugging him, and loving him again. It was totally unexpected. That thought never crossed his mind because, after all he had been through, it would have never been possible.

And yet, there he was. Things were getting better, _Alec_ was getting better and now he could see his friends without having to torture himself. Maybe things would finally be good again.

When this emotional encounter had had enough time, Magnus led them through to his office. They all sat in various seats, all closer because Magnus had rearranged them, and Alec felt a sense of calm. The nerves he had felt a mere five minutes had evaporated from his mind and he was in the moment, ready for whatever it was Magnus had planned.

“How does this all work?” Isabelle asked after she had sat next to Alec.

Magnus had taken on his counsellor role now, and it amused Alec but he didn’t say anything. He waited for the answer instead, which was: “There’s various ways we can go about this. It depends on Alec.”

The weight of five pairs of eyes on him was heavy, so Alec kept his own on Magnus.

“What do you want to talk about Alec?” Magnus asked.

“I don’t know.” Alec said.

“How long have you two been dating?” Isabelle asked, smiling. She was trying to salvage the situation and Alec was glad.

“Since my birthday.” Alec answered, looking to his sister now. “He found my ring I used to pay for rent, and that kind of started it off.” Alec said, chancing a smile at Magnus.

“You still live there?” Jace asked. “Alec, you should have gotten out ages ago.”

“I live with Magnus now, I have been for months. I finally got out last week.”

“Did you see him again?” Jace enquired.

“Jace, let’s not do this.” Alec said, looking to him on his left.

“Have you met Sebastian, Magnus?” Jace asked.

Alec didn’t like the mention of his name, but he knew Jace was saying it because he loved him and there was probably still some issues Jace had to sort out regarding Sebastian. That much he could understand.

“I have, he’s a next class ass.” Magnus said.

Jace snorted. “And then some.”

“Are you going to be asking us if we have anything we feel like sharing with the group?” Simon asked.

“If you have something you feel like sharing, please do pipe up.” Magnus said, and he sat back in his chair.

Alec sat back too, subconsciously following Magnus the way loved ones did.

“Your full name’s Magnus Bane, which is pretty epic. Is that something to share?” Simon said, shrugging. Isabelle scoffed at him.

“Thanks.” Magnus said, and Alec watched him with a smile upon his lips. “I chose it because it does sound epic.”

Alec had not known this information. He had never even second guessed Magnus’ name, despite it being rather fabulous and out of the norm. Magnus himself was a rather fabulous person and names were getting more abnormal, Alec didn’t even think for a second that ‘Magnus’ wasn’t his birth name.

“Seriously?” Alec asked.

“Yes.” Magnus nodded. “My step-father detested me, you know that, and he gave me the most awful name I’ve ever heard and I shan’t mention it again.”

“Was it something like Gilbert?” Simon asked.

“Gilbert isn’t a horrible name.” Clary protested.

“If you’re going to guess, it’ll take you a while, so good luck.” Magnus said. “But we’re getting beside the point.”

“Would you like me to tell you about my coming out story?” Alec asked.

Considering it for a moment, Magnus nodded once. “Haven’t you already told me that though?”

“I told you why I did it, but I don’t think I told you how it happened.” Alec said. “And Jace and Iz were there, they could fill in the blanks.” Alec merely wanted to talk about something important so the others’ time wasn’t wasted.

“Okay.” Magnus said. “Where shall we start?”

“When I knew I was gay?”

Magnus nodded and Alec began telling his story. He had realised he was homosexual when he thought he loved Jace at the age of fourteen. Constantly, he found himself not being interested when Jace would talk about the girls in school or the kind of porn he watched. He had never been into porn, but heterosexual porn was the worst of all, Alec knew that.

For a moment, Alec thought he would feel awkward talking about his feelings for Jace in front of Magnus, Clary, _and_ Jace but he left out the more explicit details. For example, the fact he thought about Jace in more _intimate_ times and that he tried to watch a lot of heterosexual porn to see if it was the kind of thing you need to watch plenty of before you liked it. It was not.

He didn’t mention either that the main reason he was with the first guy he was with in high school was because he resembled Jace. Not in a weird stalker way, like he would only date people who looked like Jace, but he liked him a little more because he had some of Jace’s features. That didn’t last though because Alec was hating himself more and more each day, and having sex with someone you didn’t have feelings for wasn’t any good for you if that’s what you wanted from sex. That bit he did say.

Then it was onto how he had hid from himself for so long, it started to burn his insides. He even started to pretend he wasn’t the way he was to get himself through the day. That had only made it worse. Eventually he became a kettle on the verge of boiling and he was going to scream it from the rooftops to release the tension that was building every single day.

On top of that, his parents were arguing on the hour, every hour, over the most stupid things. Robert was leaving the house a lot, doing ‘work’ and Maryse knew something was up. They couldn’t seem to contain themselves even around their youngest son, calling each other horrific names and making claims they had no evidence for. It was like growing up in the house from Edom.

The day he came out had been the worst for arguments. Alec had been awoken at five in the morning by his mother smashing plates. He had run downstairs to see, following his sister and keeping Max behind him, to catch his mother screaming her lungs out at Robert who had just come through the door. Neither noticed their children, standing and watching as they called each other dirty names and told the other to go back to Edom where they came from.

Alec had cried to Jace that day. Nothing major, just a few tears when he went to Jace’s house as part of their daily routine and Alec, still thinking he was in love with him, couldn’t have been more grateful for Jace at that time. It had been a painful day, and, somehow, it managed to get even worse.

During dinner, Robert announced it loud and clear that he was having an affair with Annamarie Highsmith, his children’s former tutor. Maryse had been consistently accusing him of sleeping with a thousand different women and he couldn’t take it anymore so he told the truth, thinking it would be better. It would always be better to tell the truth, but not with as much pride as Robert had declared it.

Silence claimed the rest of the meal, the clinking of cutlery on plates echoing throughout the room. Alec had felt it bubbling up inside him again, desperate to relieve the tension at the table and inside himself, and to clear his own head. By the time it had left his lips, he barely had any control on the words. He merely said ‘I’m gay’, and waited for the repercussions.

They were not verbal repercussions. Isabelle looked like she couldn’t be more proud but then she saw their parents and she looked scared for him. Jace kind of looked at him like it had been the wrong time to say such a thing.

“It wasn’t exactly like that.” Jace interrupted after Alec had said that to Magnus. “It was more like, dude, awesome for being who you are but perhaps it could have waited for a more private moment when your father hadn’t just ruined the entire family’s trust.”

“So it _was_ the wrong time to do it?” Alec reiterated, smiling at Jace.

“With your parents, it would always be the wrong time to do it.” Jace explained. “That’s the way they are.”

That much was true. His mother left her mouth hanging open as she was about to take another bite from her fork and she turned her eyes to Alec, staring at him like he had slapped her from across the table. Alec had learnt how to read people well by that point in his life and he hadn’t seen the look she was giving him before, but he could read it; disappointment that he was her son, and her problem.

It had hurt more than the look his father gave him. He’d always known getting approval from Robert was impossible and he had given up when he was a child. With him looking as if Alec had lost all of his respect with those two words, Alec didn’t feel much. The numbness had overcome him and he decided he didn’t care. He just didn’t want everything to be so hard anymore.

“Do you remember what happened next?” Isabelle asked, focusing on Alec purely.

“I remember being kicked out the next day. Between dinner and that, I don’t remember much else.” Alec answered.

“Max piped up and asked what ‘gay’ was.” Isabelle began. “And you looked at him and you welled up, and you couldn’t answer him. So I said that being gay meant you preferred to kiss guys instead of girls and that’s the way you were. Max shrugged and said ‘okay’ and he carried on eating and you wiped at your eyes and left the table, going straight to your room.

I cleaned the dishes after that, angrily, and I broke a couple. Mum had the audacity to tell me to quiet down and I may have sworn at her but she had no control over me after her reaction. I stared her down and asked Jace if you were coming out of your room but you weren’t and you wouldn’t let him in either, so we decided to let you be and Jace went home.

When I went to see you the next morning, you weren’t there and I went downstairs but you weren’t there either. They tried to tell me you left of your own accord, but I didn’t believe that for a second, so I started yelling the house down. Thinking back, I probably went overboard, but I was fuming because they had been such horrible parents for no reason whatsoever.

Little Max came down, and he asked for you Alec, he asked when the two of you were going to go to the park to play again. I told him you’d be back soon and I went looking for you, I thought you might have gone to Jace’s but you hadn’t. We looked everywhere. When you did finally turn up, I thought everything was going to get better. But it didn’t… I missed you Alec.”

Never having heard that part of the story before, Alec took his sister’s hand and held it. They smiled at each other and Alec took a deep breath. Love, no matter which type it was, really did make you care for a person no matter what circumstance they were in.

“Have you gotten over him?” Alec asked to Isabelle and Jace, referring to Max.

“By the Angel no.” Izzy said. “I miss him more and more each day, but I don’t feel such sadness anymore, I miss his life and his smile. I don’t think about what happened to him, that doesn’t do any good for me or for any of us.”

“Sometimes I still think everything that happened was just this terrible nightmare.” Jace said. “That I’ll turn up at the park, and you two would be there waiting for me to join in. That won’t ever leave me but I’ve gotten over his death.”

“Have you seen mum and dad recently?” Alec asked.

“No.” Isabelle said. “I talk to mum on the phone every now and again, dad even less. They tore us apart, I can’t forgive them for that.”

Alec didn’t think he could ever forgive his parents either. His father had thrown him out because he wasn’t heterosexual, despite cheating on the woman he married and ignoring his children. His mother had ignored him and not helped when she could. That hurt more than actually being thrown out because he thought his mother might accept him and she hadn’t.

The rest of the session was a success, Alec could tell from his own content feeling and from the way Magnus was smiling at him when their time came to an end. Unfortunately, Alec was not Magnus’ last appointment of the day, so the two of them didn’t leave straight after that. Even though he had had a great day, talking to his friends again, he had felt exhausted, it was overwhelming talking as much as he did in front of them. They invited him to go out for a coffee after the session, but Alec said he would wait with Magnus and they understood.

After hugging them again and promising to see them as soon as he could, they left. Alec felt strangely whole, as though seeing his friends had put another piece of the puzzle back where it belonged. There were some minor holes to fill but so far, everything was getting back to where it once was. He didn’t feel as empty, and his mind was clearer. Thoughts were coherent and it wasn’t as muddled as it once was.

Things were looking up. Despite the session going as well as possible, Alec was glad he would still get one on to one time with Magnus. Sure, he needed his friends, but he also needed his own time to think. Being an individual was just as important as being a part of a team.

Thanksgiving was the next major event of the year and Alec had been invited to go and spend it with Jace and Clary, who would be having Isabelle and Simon and other various friends over for the day. Unfortunately, he was not prepared for that. They understood when he declined, and he promised to make it up to them one day. Alec, once again, felt like he had the best friends in the entire world.

Magnus got a lot of offers for meals but he said he wanted to spend the day with Alec. Despite the protests, Alec saying he wouldn’t mind going to Jem’s if that was what Magnus wanted, he would not have it. He wanted the entire day devoted to Alec. Also, he mentioned that Thanksgiving had never been a particularly wonderful holiday for him and that he rarely celebrated it. Accepting this, Alec decided he would spend the day with his beloved Magnus. And what a day it would be.

He awoke at the ripe time of nine o’clock in the morning with Magnus nowhere to be found. Being comfortable enough with his body at this stage in their relationship, Alec got up in only his boxers and went to find him. When he opened the door, wafts of fresh baking flew at him and he breathed in deep. This was not the baking of a Turkey and a thousand different vegetables, this was the smell of cookies and bread being made. That meant Magnus was in his apron, and this boded well.

Padding out into the main room, Alec saw one of the most wonderful sights in the entire world; Magnus in his apron and with no shirt. The rest of his body was hidden by the countertops, but the swell of his biceps and the curve of what he could see of his hips was enough to make blood rush to areas that would swell in another way.

As he approached the stool to sit on, Magnus saw him and grinned. “Good morning gorgeous.” He said, and he leaned over to kiss Alec, lingering for a moment.

“You don’t have a shirt on.” Alec commented once they had parted.

“I don’t have much at all on.” Magnus retorted.

A lot of blood rushed down to Alec’s groin then as he realised something very interesting might be about to happen. Leaning over slowly, Alec saw his legs were bare too. There was a large chance Magnus was baking in only his apron, but Alec had to be sure.

“Turn around.” Alec commanded and Magnus did so.

It was true. Magnus was wearing his apron and nothing else, his bare ass on show. Alec bit his lip and made a strangled sound at the back of his throat. Magnus turned around, winked, and got back to his work as if it was the most normal thing in the world. Alec was entranced by the view and he struggled to look away.

“Did you get one for me?” Alec asked, finally managing to get his voice box to work.

Magnus didn’t turn back to look at him, but he did bend slightly to check something in the oven, making Alec want to stand up and do dirty things to him. He resisted. Somehow. “I’m afraid not, but you can stay in your boxers, that’s fine too.”

“I have tighter ones.” Alec suggested.

Magnus looked over his shoulder to Alec. “Well go put those on then.” He said after he licked his lips.

And Alec did as he was told. These boxers were the kind of blue that actually managed to compliment his eyes, or that’s what Magnus had told him anyhow. They were his tightest pair, and not by choice, they had shrunk in the wash but he liked the colour enough to keep them. At this moment in time, he was glad he had done that.

Magnus watched him as he approached, looking Alec up and down in a swift motion but strangely, Alec did not feel revealed. Despite being almost naked, he didn’t feel like he was on show. Magnus and Alec had made love a lot over the past few weeks and he had always paid particular attention to kissing every inch of his skin, loving his body for what it was. He felt no shame in being this naked with Magnus in daylight. Being comfortable in his own skin because of Magnus was wonderful because it meant he could walk around the apartment in only his boxers whilst his boyfriend wore nothing but an apron. This was not something he had ever expected, but he was grateful it had happened.

“You look ravishing.” Magnus said, leaning against the counter and folding his arms, making them bulge. That made Alec quiver as he came up to Magnus so he was standing right in front of him.

“I’m pretty sure that’s something you say when your boyfriend comes out in a suit.” Alec said as he wrapped his arms around Magnus’ neck and kissed him full on the mouth.

Magnus grabbed Alec’s bare hips and pulled him closer, their skin touching and rubbing as their mouths met and moved against each other. Moaning into Magnus’ mouth, Alec tightened his grip and ran a hand through Magnus’ hair, making him moan too.

They parted with deep breaths, hands still around each other and pupils dilating. With his mind racing and all sorts of ideas popping into his head, Alec kissed him again, and again and again. He kissed his way down Magnus’ jaw and his neck where he settled on Magnus throat and he sucked, hard. The noise Magnus made was explicit and Alec revelled in it.

He moved to the other side of Magnus’ neck and sucked again, licking over the spot once he had left it red and wet. Their chests were colliding, their breathing heavy as blood pumped fiercely around their bodies trying to keep up with the adrenaline in their systems.

Something shone in Magnus’ eyes and he guided Alec backwards until he was pressed against the counter behind him. Through the cloth of the apron, Alec could feel Magnus’ erection growing and his own was gaining blood too. He didn’t expect to be grabbed and hoisted up onto the counter surface, but he couldn’t deny that he liked it.

In one swift motion, Magnus had removed Alec’s boxers and started rubbing his cock up and down with his hand. Alec let his head fall back and his eyes close as Magnus started pressing his lips over Alec’s chest. Using his tongue primarily, he moved his way across Alec’s body, kissing his neck and lingering on his nipples for a long enough time to make Alec quiver again.

His hand moved in fluid motions to make Alec hard and Alec couldn’t restrain any of the noises that were leaving his throat. Even biting his lip could do nothing to stop himself from calling Magnus’ name. He couldn’t stop thrusting his hips into the contact either. He let his body take control.

“Wrap your legs around me.” Magnus commanded after running his tongue up Alec’s throat again.

Alec opened his eyes and looked at him. “What?”

“Wrap your legs around my hips.” Magnus said again between deep breaths.

“Do you have a condom?” Alec asked, still thrusting into Magnus’ hand.

“I have protection everywhere Alexander.” Magnus informed and he opened a draw in one of the counters to pull out the little square packet.

Alec took it from Magnus, who looked confused for a moment before Alec tore it open with his teeth. Then he undid the bow on the back of Magnus’ apron and removed it from him before he placed the condom to the head of Magnus’ solid cock. He rolled it down, slowly, and Magnus grabbed Alec’s thighs.

“Lube.” Alec ordered as he steadily moved his hand up and down Magnus’ length.

Once he was given the bottle, he poured it onto his hand in a hefty amount and started to rub Magnus again. The grip on Alec’s thighs got tighter as Alec continued to pump him, watching Magnus intently, those green eyes, almost entirely black, watching him back. Their breathing heavy, Alec leaned forward and kissed him, their lips wet and sloppy.

When Magnus couldn’t stop moaning, Alec pulled him forward and wrapped his legs around Magnus’ hips. Relying purely on his strength, which he clearly had, Alec left the countertop and enveloped his arms around Magnus’ neck. Adjusting himself slightly, Magnus found Alec’s hole and pressed himself inside.

He started thrusting up slowly, Alec having to work too to make sure Magnus stayed inside him, but the sensations coursing through him made it worth it. He began to fill Alec more and more, each thrust longer and deeper than the previous one. It was slow, the leisurely place being the only one they could perform at in this position but the intimacy overpowered the difficulty.

With the both of them maintaining eye contact, closing their eyes every now and again because of the tightening in their stomachs, everything was feeling more remarkable. It was harder work than their normal sex, but Magnus managed to find ways around everything. He still managed to get deep enough to make Alec pulse around his cock in the best way.

Every nerve ending across his body had taken another level of sensitivity. Each touch was becoming more sensational, every brush of skin was making the hairs along Alec’s body rise up. His muscles were beginning to ache as he was gripping Magnus with his fingers digging deep into his skin hard enough to bruise.

With Magnus’ powerful thighs slapping against his ass, Alec grew to love that sound. The regular beat made Alec feel controlled in a positive way, as if Magnus had a power over him. He was pressing his prostate, deeper inside him than he had ever been before and Alec couldn’t help but moan with every movement.

Sweat was running across their skin. With the pressure building at the base of his cock, he knew he couldn’t last much longer. It hadn’t been their longest encounter but Alec couldn’t help it, Magnus had fucked him plenty of times but it had never been this desperate or this wet before. This experience was entirely new and he couldn’t help it if he couldn’t last long because of that.

He started to pump his own length in time with Magnus’ long thrusts, the friction he was getting from rubbing across Magnus’ abdomen not being enough to reach his climax. There was precum wiped across Magnus’ stomach and it started smearing over Alec’s hand too, Magnus had never made him so wet. He was biting his lip, hard enough to taste blood and yet he couldn’t stop.

He had to keep his head bowed, his breathing laboured, and his eyes closed to receive the extent of the pleasure. Both his legs and his hand were gripping Magnus tight as the thrusts became more rushed and less coordinated. The sound of skin slapping skin became louder and Alec was going to climax within the next few thrusts. He could feel himself on the edge, his stomach tight as Magnus’ cock throbbed desperately inside him.

Stroking himself and trying to keep Magnus deep was a difficult task, but the rhythm between the two was making everything tighten before his orgasm swept over his body. Magnus was making strangled moans, his arms holding Alec as tightly as he could to fill him with his swollen cock.

With Magnus biting into his shoulder, Alec couldn’t help but practically squeal. It was rough and desperate, their bodies craving each other. His body was aching, the marks Magnus were leaving were sore, but he didn’t care. Each time he pressed his prostate, it made the difficulty worth it. His stomach was tight, the pressures were high, and everything was throbbing.

Coming in hot loads, Magnus name left his lips in a strangled whisper. Struggling to breath, he felt Magnus climax inside him as his cock twitched and he called Alec’s name too. Collapsing, he managed to get Alec back on the counter before he dropped him completely, his head resting on Alec’s chest as he calmed his breathing.

Their bodies were twitching and come covered both of them. Magnus was gently running his hands up and down Alec’s thighs and Alec was still hugging him. He never wanted to let go of Magnus.

“I need a shower.” Alec said through tired breaths, Magnus cleaning himself up and checking on the cookies once he had kissed Alec again.

“What’s the point?” Magnus asked.

“Huh?”

“When we’re just going to do this all again in five minutes?” Magnus clarified, glancing over his shoulder to Alec as he put his apron back on.

“I haven’t got the energy for that.” Alec said, still breathing deeply.

“We’ll get you fed and you’ll be up for it, I’m sure.” Magnus said, grinning.

They had sex five times that day, including their countertop adventure. The second time, they had sex on the sofa as Magnus had placed something else in the oven and let the cookies cool off, that had been softer and gentler than the first, but it was equally as good. Then it was against the wall, fierce and tiring, making Alec’s muscles ache but it was such a good ache. Alec then gave Magnus oral in the shower as he pleasured himself with his hands. Their final time was dual pumping and touching each other in bed, both being too exhausted to give or receive.

By the end of the day, both of their bodies were covered in marks and bruises and Alec had never felt so physically exhausted in his entire life. Knowing it had come from Magnus, making love to him five times over the course of one day, made the exhaustion not feel as terrible. He fell asleep easily with Magnus behind him, kissing his neck. Here, he felt safe. Here, he felt loved.

It had been the best Thanksgiving he had ever had.

Before Alec knew what had happened, Christmas was on its way. Even when one wasn’t submerged in depressed thoughts, time flew by if you blinked too quickly. With Magnus’ help, he bought Jace, Izzy, Clary, and Simon Christmas presents and then, _without_ Magnus’ help, he bought Magnus something too. It wasn’t the most expensive thing, Alec using the last dollars he had to his name to buy it, but it was nice. It was a silk scarf with the initials ‘MB’ sewn in and he had also gotten him chocolates. Not the most extravagant present, but he thought Magnus would appreciate it.

Their apartment had been decorated, an enormous tree sitting in the corner covered from head to toe in tinsel and baubles, a delicate angel on top. Magnus was a fan of the ‘Classy Christmas’ deal, so everything was red or gold or silver, and the lights that hung in the windows and around the room itself delicately changed colours and the other decorations were fragile and beautiful. Some of them looked ancient too, and Alec could appreciate them, Christmas was a time for giving and loving and it was, perhaps, his favourite holiday.

Anxiously, Alec had invited his four friends over for Christmas Day because Magnus was having a meal with as many of his friends as possible. Alec had said, if they already had plans, that would be fine and he would not be offended, but Izzy insisted their Christmas wasn’t going to be anything special and that they would love to come round and spend it with Alec.

A lot of Magnus’ late appointments were no longer taken up, people preferring to get them over and done with in the morning, and so the two of them got more of evenings to snuggle up under blankets and watch Christmassy films together. Their sessions would almost always be the last of Magnus’ day, so they got to walk through the streets at night, holding hands and going into little cafés for hot chocolate, tasting which one did the best.

One more of their sessions had included Alec’s friends and, after that time, he had gone to the café with them afterwards and it had been tense for him at first. But his friends were not awkward people, they were loving and accepting, and Alec warmed up to being his usual self. It was amazing they made him laugh as much as they did and forget most of his troubles, but that was who his friends were. He could never repay them for that.

Then Christmas Day was upon them and Alec didn’t even know what was really happening. Magnus got very excited about this holiday, and he woke Alec up at six in the morning with a kiss that was deep and more than Alec expected to get since it was so early. It was pleasant all the same.

But then Magnus was out of the room and getting all hyped up to open things. He was bouncing about like a four year old who truly understood Christmas for the first time and was desperate to open everything from ~~their parents~~ Santa. It was amusing to watch but it also meant Alec was up before he wanted to be and that wasn’t as great.

Whilst Magnus only had his boxers and dressing gown on, Alec felt the need to dress in his jeans and long sleeved jumper. Magnus had protested when Alec would not wear the Christmas jumper he had bought him but it had a snowman and the nose stuck out. It was hideous. Alec would not wear it no matter what Magnus offered him.

“Can you open my present now?” Alec asked. “I always feel awkward when there are other people watching the person I got a present for open it.”

“Alec, you do not have to ask me to open the presents.” Magnus declared excitedly. “I could have ripped them open right here and now if you weren’t here to stop me.”

They sat down in front of the tree and Magnus rummaged through to find two parcels, one for Alec from Magnus and vice versa. Agreeing to open them at exactly the same time, they ripped open the paper. Inside, Alec found a glorious sketchbook with fresh and crisp pages. It was beautiful. Underneath, there was a huge set of pencils as well, they didn’t look cheap.

“I remember you said you used to sketch and I thought, with the correct equipment, you might start again.” Magnus said after he had watched Alec’s reaction.

“This looks expensive Magnus.” Alec said.

“Nothing’s too expensive for you Alec.”

“But mine’s so… Not.” Alec said, looking up to Magnus to see he had already put the scarf around his neck.

“I love it.” Magnus said, running his hand across the fabric. “It makes me look even more gorgeous, don’t you think?”

Alec smiled at him, then looked at the tree, full of presents that weren’t for him. “Is it depressing that I’ve only got one present underneath the tree?”

Magnus looked confused. “No you don’t. Jem got you something, and so did Cat. And, though you’ve never met her, Tessa is the sweetest thing on the planet and she got you something too.”

“But I didn’t get them anything.”

Magnus leaned forward and kissed Alec lightly. “Stop being such a panicker my love. They’re coming round later, so you can still thank them. It’s Christmas, it’s fine, giving and loving and all that. They weren’t expecting anything, so it’s okay.” He kissed him again and stood up. “I have to prep the turkey, let’s hope it fits in the oven.”

Feeling the pages of his sketchbook, Alec said, “I love you.”

“I love you too.” Magnus said, and he leaned down to press his lips to Alec’s forehead.

Thankfully, the turkey did fit and so did the rest of the food. Magnus was a good cook, Alec knew that from all the baking, so he timed everything perfectly. When everyone had turned up, the food was being laid on the table in flawless fashion. There were lot of people there, and Alec didn’t know them all but he knew a few.

Purposely, Magnus had invited Jem and Tessa to sit them together because he thought they would make a good pair. He said he wanted Will to come round too, to see what would happen, but Will was with his family and Magnus was gladder about that. Catarina was working the Christmas shift at the hospital, so she wasn’t there either, but Alec knew Jem at least. Of course, he knew his four friends he sat with as well, but he didn’t know anyone else’s face.

There was the girl, Sophie who Alec had heard about, and she brought her husband who was related to Will somehow and Magnus seemed shocked and then glad and Alec was confused. There was a guy called Ragnor who spent most of his time looking uninterested in everything, but he and Magnus were, apparently, good friends so Alec let him be. There was another couple, one who was short and petite and the other a redhead, and then six other people Alec didn’t have time to note down but he learnt their faces by the end of the day, which was something.

Dinner went down a treat, everyone complimenting Magnus to the extreme which was going to make his ego swell even further, it didn’t seem possible but Alec had come to know him well, and it was. Alec felt guilty for leaving it all to Magnus to prepare but he had never cooked anyway, so he would have just gotten in the way. And Magnus had obviously managed to cope well enough without him.

There was a lot of present opening, and wrapping paper covered everything by the end of it. Alec watched intently as his friends opened the gifts he had given them. There was a lot of hubbub as everyone else spoke to each other about things Alec wasn’t paying attention to, so he could talk to them without worrying about everyone overhearing him.

Isabelle opened the jewellery box to reveal the ruby necklace Alec and Magnus had found for her. She looked touched and she put it on, the way people seemed to do when they got jewellery. She looked at Alec and crawled over to kiss him on the cheek.

“I thought of you when we saw it in the shop. I know you always liked rubies, so, yeah.” Alec felt the need to explain. “It’s from both of us really.”

“You can take credit.” Magnus said, appearing beside him and kissing him on the cheek too.

“But I didn’t…” _pay_.

“Take credit.”

“Thank you.” Isabelle reiterated, “It’s beautiful.”

For Simon, Alec got some rare comics that he seemed excited about. Clary received some art stuff as she never seemed to get enough, and she got hyped about that. Then, for Jace, Alec bought him some lessons in one of the many forms of martial arts and Jace hugged him for it. Alec had always been a good present giver, he paid attention to what people liked and what they said, and it was something people appreciated him for.

As the others exchanged their gifts between each other, Alec finally opened his, not believing he had so many presents. This was the most he had gotten in a couple of years for sure. He got chocolates, a couple of books, vouchers as well, the hoard was plenty. From Izzy, he got a framed picture of herself, Max, and him and he almost cried, but he knew he shouldn’t, not on Christmas. From Clary and Jace, as they did the couple thing to give less presents, he got puzzles, which he actually enjoyed doing, and a calendar with shirtless men on for each month. Alec snorted and the others laughed too, and Alec promised to look at it at every morning, which Jace thought was hilarious. Then, from Simon, he got the complete extended editions of _‘The Lord of the Rings’_ and _‘The Hobbit’_ so he could binge watch them and get addicted like he should. They laughed, but Alec would do it, finally, for Simon.

The four of them also got something for Magnus, which he hadn’t expected. He had given them all chocolates, just as something you did when people came round and you didn’t know them particularly well. He had smiled widely when he opened it, giving them each a hug in turn.

It had been his best Christmas yet and there was still a lot more of the day to go. He couldn’t believe he was enjoying himself so much, around so many people, some of which were strangers. And, although he felt very good, he could feel his mind getting exhausted and he needed a break, so he went to the chill room.

Inside, his mind calmed. He didn’t put any music on or read any books because he didn’t want to be away for too long, he simply wanted to sit by the window and take some deep breaths. It was a technique Magnus had suggested to him, he said it was better to take a break before you got overwhelmed instead of getting away after you were overwhelmed. The latter was harder to recover from.

Being an introvert at times like this was certainly a downside but that was who he was and he simply had to deal with it. He also thought no one would mind since most of the people in their main room had been through things Alec had gone through too, so they might understand Alec needing to escape for a moment. That made it easier to relax his mind as well.

When he felt quite all right, his mind thoroughly soothed by being away from all the hubbub and excitement, he got up to leave. But someone came through the door to halt any progress from going back to where everyone else was. It was Jace.

“Hi.” Jace said as he came into the room. “Magnus said you’d probably be in here, is it okay if I join you?” He asked, waiting for Alec’s approval for him to sit.

Alec sat down across from him when Jace sat as well, sensing some sort of conversation on the way.

“So a chill room consists of music and chairs?” Jace mused. “I’ll take note.”

“Since when do you need a chill room?” Alec asked, smiling.

Jace shrugged. “I get very on edge sometimes, I get fired up, you know? I gotta chill too.”

“I know, I’ve been around you once or twice.” Alec said, through light laughter.

Despite being away for so long, the two had resumed their friendship level from before. They hadn’t spent a lot of time alone since reconnecting, but it had been enough. The two of them had been close, closer than brothers at some points, so the way they connected instantly since the day they met again wasn’t a surprise at all.

“Do you know something,” Jace said, “You look at him like there’s no one else in the room.”

Alec found himself smiling. “At Magnus? Yeah, I kind of love him, he makes me happy.”

“Good, you deserve it.” Jace said.

“How are you and Clary?” Alec asked, and it wasn’t out of decency or habit, it was because he was genuinely curious.

“I like her a lot.” Jace answered. “I might propose.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah. I know we’re young but I feel so right with her, you know, as soppy as that sounds. I’ve been with her a while, so maybe it’s just time.” Jace said, that glimmer of a smile on his lips that he always got when he talked about Clary. He was definitely a sop when it came to her.

He wished Jace well with that, knowing she would say yes because she loved him back truly. It made Alec think about how far his friends had come in his absence. He may not have been gone for decades, but he had been gone long enough for Jace to realise he wanted to marry his girlfriend, and long enough for Isabelle to start becoming a nerd because of her relationship progressing with Simon. In reality, he had been gone for quite some time.

Maybe they had absorbed him back into their lives with ease, but he had missed out on a lot of their life experiences. When he was gone, they had taken trips across the world, done birthday treats, and even gone to Disneyland, which was something Alec had wanted to do once upon a time. There was no blame on them, there was no way Alec was going to expect them to stop their lives because he wasn’t in them. The whole point of him going away, anyway, was because he wanted them to continue their lives without him. He just hadn’t realised how that would feel if they ever reconnected again.

Hearing about everything they had done together, that had made him feel regret and loneliness more than anything else. It was the first time in a few weeks he had felt loneliness, and he knew he wasn’t slipping back to his old ways, but he sure did feel like a fool because he had left them to be alone, to miss out on all these experiences because he had felt so terrible for so long. He couldn’t blame himself because that was what his head had done to him, but he couldn’t help the regret currently plaguing his mind.

None of the others seemed to mind, they were living their lives and Alec could, in no way, shape, or form blame them or make them feel guilty for that. He just felt guilty himself, to miss out on the young years of his life with his friends because he was sick. He shouldn’t blame himself, he knew that, but he couldn’t help it. Sometimes that’s just the way it happened.

For the rest of the day, he tried not to think about it and he succeeded, minutely. When the lot of them settled down to watch _‘National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation’_ , as it was Magnus’ favourite Christmas film, Alec settled into the same position he and Magnus always sat in, with the arm around and the leaning on the side of the other, but he couldn’t put his feet up on the sofa because there were too many people around. However, he could still stay close to Magnus, and he needed that reassurance.

Magnus could always reassure him. Whenever Alec was feeling low, or stupid about something he thought was stupid too, Magnus always came to him and made him feel better and not so stupid. When he was having a low day, Magnus would prep him with blankets and hot chocolate and films for the day, coming back if he had work the second he could, and sit with him, kissing him and loving him to the fullest extent.

As time went by, Alec was having less and less of those days. Each day, his mind was clearer and his heart a little warmer. He could love more, he could do more, and he could be more. The long distance that was himself from his goal was shorter now, it was almost in reach. Everything was brighter, and life was better.

Eventually, people started to leave, Christmas Day growing old and coming to an end. When Alec’s friends left, he walked them out of the building and hugged them tight, wishing them a ‘Merry Christmas’ and hoping to see them either before or on New Year’s if they did anything. Then they were gone and Alec went back up to the apartment to find Magnus putting another film on, one of the million versions of _‘A Christmas Carol’_.

Magnus saw the look Alec was giving him and the clock. So he said, “Jem’s drunk and he demanded he watched it before he went to sleep. He’s sleeping here tonight, I don’t want him going home in this state.”

“Okay.” Alec said, giving him another quizzical look because Jem wasn’t even in the room. “But he isn’t here.”

Magnus looked around as if he hadn’t realised. “There’s an explanation for this, I promise.”

“Are you sure you’re not the one that’s drunk?” Alec asked after Magnus _was_ the one who had brought out wine bottle after wine bottle, and then sherry and then other alcohols Alec had never even heard of before, let alone seen.

“I’m tipsy, but I am not drunk.” Magnus said. “And Jem did want to watch this film, I promise you.”

“Whatever you say Magnus.” Alec said and Magnus looked hurt that Alec didn’t trust him.

“You’re my boyfriend, but you don’t trust me. That’s very rude.” Magnus said, settling down on the sofa and clearly expecting Alec to join him, which he did swiftly.

The others that were staying over for the night, Jem, Ragnor, and Tessa, came and joined them eventually and it was true, Jem was a little on the drunk side. He was an affectionate drunk, and it was endearing to see him dappling Tessa with compliments.

But Alec was paying more attention to Magnus, as he always did. He was in love with him. He had never fallen so hard in his entire life for someone else the way he had fallen for Magnus. His heart swelled whenever he saw him, and his knees always went weak.

“Magnus,” Alec said quietly as Scrooge was being harassed by the Ghost of Christmas Future or whatever it was, “I found my happy place.”

Sobering slightly, Magnus looked to him. “Good.”

“You’re my happy place.” Alec said.

Magnus started beaming at Alec as he leaned down to kiss him. Gently and slowly as he massaged the hairs on the back of Alec’s neck, making him shiver.

The film finished within the next ten minutes and everyone went to bed, Alec and Magnus more hurriedly than the others. Once inside, Magnus pressed Alec up against the wall and kissed him with his body pushing against Alec’s. Alec wrapped his arms around Magnus’ hips and slipped his fingers underneath the waistband of Magnus’ colourful jeans.

Magnus ran his hand underneath Alec’s shirt and pulled it over his head. He kissed his way down Alec’s jaw and neck, sucking at the base to make Alec moan. Considering there were other people in the apartment, the moan was far too loud and he closed his mouth tight, a panic setting over him.

After coming back up, Magnus was grinning and almost laughing at him. “There are other people in the rooms next to us darling.”

“I know,” Alec mumbled and hung his head in shame, “Do you think they heard?”

“Probably.” Magnus said after he snorted at Alec. “I’m sure we could pass it off as something else. Maybe we’ll say you dropped something on your foot and that was a moan of pain.”

“Who moans like that in pain?” Alec asked, panicking now.

Magnus shook his head. “No one.” And he laughed again. “But it’s fine, we’ll just make you moan again, and then we can pass it off for sure.”

“Nope, I’m not making that sound ever again.” Alec declared.

A glint filled Magnus’ eye. “We’ll see about that.”

His grin consumed his face as he grabbed hold of Alec’s waist and pulled him towards the bed, pushing him down onto it with a controlled force. Alec manoeuvred himself up onto his hands and watched as Magnus stripped himself down, removing the hideous Christmas jumper he had put on after his friends came round, and then the shirt underneath it. His jeans came off next and he slid off his boxers too without a moment’s hesitation.

Alec clenched his thighs in anticipation and studied Magnus’ body he had come to know so well. He was always so gorgeous, his skin taut and firm, his body glorious and glistening. There was a power beneath those muscles that made Alec quiver in desperation to feel him against his own body.

Clearly reading Alec’s thoughts, Magnus climbed atop him and pushed him down again, undoing his belt buckle and sliding the fabric off of his legs, underwear included. Then, without waiting for Alec to get comfortable, he started sucking his cock to get Alec harder than he already was.

He threw his head back into the covers and bit his lip hard to stop himself from moaning. With Magnus licking his way up and down Alec’s length, Alec couldn’t help but whimper, trying to keep himself quieter than he usually was. His hands balled into fists and he closed his eyes, knowing that if he moaned too loudly, he could never face the three people in their apartment ever again.

Magnus was taking him deep into his mouth, making his cock wet and swallowing at certain intervals. There was so much blood filling him, he was desperate for Magnus to do more, to touch him and feel him but he was teasing him to make him moan. So far, it was working, Magnus’ tongue sending waves of pleasure through his body. More and more noises left his throat, and Alec could feel himself getting louder without much hope of stopping.

Luckily, Magnus finished sucking before he moaned the building down. There were a lot of times where Alec felt relief, but this was monumental in comparison. Getting the condom and lube out so he could prepare himself for one of their usual positions, Magnus grinned at Alec, aware of the power he had over him.

As he rolled the condom over his cock, Alec watched him. Not only did he feel aroused, but he felt enormous love for the man on top of him. He also felt trust, like he hadn’t had for anyone in years. He knew the time had come, so he sat up, kissed Magnus slowly, and turned himself around to lie on his front below Magnus.

“You sure?” Magnus asked, obviously not expecting it.

“Yes.” Alec said. “I trust you.”

Magnus accepted this and poured lube directly onto Alec’s ass. It was cold and it made him shiver, but Magnus’ warm hands massaging it into his skin and inside him made it not so unbearable.

The trust Alec placed in Magnus that night was entirely worth it. They made love slowly, gently easing Alec back into a place he hadn’t been in for many years. Only a few times had Magnus been able to get as deep as he had that night, making Alec come more wild and hard than he had ever done before.

After that, he fell in love with Magnus further each day. They had a lot more sex, Alec feeling comfortable enough to be pounded against counters and table tops, not only facing Magnus, but facing away from him too. Alec had never wanted to have as much sex as he did when he was around Magnus. It wasn’t as if Alec was becoming a sex-crazed animal, it was just that he had missed out on such loving and wonderful sex, he wanted it as much as he could now. And the fact that it was Magnus he could have sex with merely added to the wonder of it all.

Everything was going perfectly well in his life. He and Magnus discussed New Year’s resolutions, Alec’s was to not need counselling anymore and Magnus’ was to eat less chocolate. Alec thought he was bluffing because he looked like he was in great shape but Magnus had said, whilst he looked perfectly pumped on the outside, on the inside he was probably dying. So Alec decided he would help him. Not by eating less chocolate too, but by eating all the chocolate Magnus was given. To help, of course.

He saw his friends more often too, joining in once again with their Saturday morning coffee, meeting up with them after they had finished work as well. He chatted with them on the phone and texted them throughout the day sometimes. For the first time in years, he was okay with making plans and decisions.

Alec was generally happier, waking earlier each day until he was finally waking at the times he used to before his depression. Seeing Magnus off each day made him happier and he was going out for walks after he got up too. He would order his own coffee and sit by himself at tables without a single care about who saw and judged him.

He was content with his own being and who he was in his own skin. He didn’t mind if people looked at him in the street anymore when he was by himself, and he didn’t care who watched when he was with Magnus and he kissed him full on the mouth. Being happy in his own skin made him capable of doing so much more than he had ever done.

It was a crisp winter evening when Alec felt like his head had cleared completely. Winter was finally on its way out and a few leaves had begun budding on trees. He had been out during the day with a shirt that showed off his wrists, and he didn’t care that a few people stared. He could see Jace had seen the scars but he didn’t judge him and Alec felt serene about it.

Then he was back home with Magnus, settling in to watch their weekly dose of _‘Pretty Little Liars’_. It had become routine, and Alec didn’t like routines but with Magnus, he could put up with them. Magnus also wasn’t a fan of routine, but he needed it in his life so he didn’t go absolutely mad. So they put up with it because there wasn’t much else they could do.

Then Magnus got a phone call and he went to the hall to answer it in private. He got a lot of calls like that, Magnus dealt with people who needed attention when he wasn’t around to give it, so he always had his phone on loud. Sometimes he answered the calls in the middle of night. He was a giving man and it was one of the reasons that Alec truly loved him. That’s why, when he left to answer a call, Alec accepted it and carried on with whatever it was he was doing.

When Magnus returned, he was reading something on his phone and chewing at his nails, so Alec waited for Magnus to explain.

“I have to go out.” Magnus said and he started putting on his shoes.

“Is everything okay?” Alec asked, sitting up.

“One of my clients has been put in hospital.” Magnus said. “I need to go check they’re okay.”

“ _Is_ everything okay?”

“Yeah, I think they got too drunk and fell down some stairs or something like that. It should be fine but I have to check on them, just in case.” Magnus said, standing to get his coat.

Alec stood and walked to the door with him. “You’ll be back soon, right?”

“Two hours, tops.” Magnus said, giving him a smile.

He kissed him goodbye and told Alec he would come back the second he could. Then he was gone with the scarf Alec had bought him around his neck. He said he loved that scarf and it always made Alec feel special when he wore it out, especially when he wasn’t even out with Alec.

Whenever Magnus wasn’t with him, Alec did feel emptier. But that wasn’t the depression, that was the love. Love made Alec feel all sorts of new things, all sorts of wonderful things, but it also made him feel lonely when Magnus wasn’t there. It was stupid, to be so in love it may even hurt, but he couldn’t control how he felt. Love was love, and it did what it did.

The knock on the door came a lot quicker than Alec was expecting but he didn’t mind. Seeing Magnus earlier than he thought he was going to see him was always a bonus, Alec could definitely admit that now to himself and to Magnus, if he ever asked that was. So he went to the door and opened it with a wide smile.

The smile dropped instantly.

It was not Magnus.

It was Sebastian.

Alec’s heart left its place between his lungs as they too stopped working altogether. Taking in those familiar features, his wolfish grin and the way he bared his teeth, that scent that stung your nostrils, and the way he held himself, Alec wanted to forget them all. And he couldn’t because they were standing there in front of him.

“Hello gorgeous.” Sebastian drawled, looking Alec up and down and making Alec’s hair rise up uncomfortably under his clothing.

Alec was going to try to be confident. He had gotten better since his time with Sebastian, he didn’t need to fear him anymore. “How did you find me?” Alec asked weakly, still fearing him completely.

Sebastian, with the air of someone who cared for no one but himself, pushed passed Alec and into the apartment, and Alec could not find it in himself to stop him. As he looked around the room with disgust in his eyes and that smile still upon his lips, he said, “I have friends everywhere Alec, you know that. Someone mentioned they thought they had seen you here and I just had to see it for myself. It’s such an improvement from my father’s building, I wonder how you’ve managed it.”

He focused his gaze on Alec, his eyes lighting up with everything other than warmth. Taking a hint that was not given, he walked towards Alec who had frozen to the spot, his muscles rigid. Sebastian walked close to Alec, too close, and ran a hand across Alec’s cheek as if that was something Alec wanted. He most certainly didn’t.

“You should go.” Alec managed to muster the courage to say, but it didn’t sound convincing.

“Oh baby, don’t say that.” Sebastian said.

There it was, the pet name that made Alec the most uncomfortable he had ever been. The way he said it made Alec’s blood curl the way nothing else managed to do, there was no warmth, or love, or compassion in his voice. It wasn’t a romantic pet name, it was the way someone said it as if they owned the person they were calling the name.

“ _Please_ leave.” Alec tried again, his voice breaking this time, making the situation worse.

Sebastian snaked his arms around Alec’s hips, pulling him away from the door and into an embrace Alec wanted no part of. The way he manipulated Alec’s mind when he was around him, it was horrifying, and that’s why Alec also wrapped his arms around Sebastian, rigidly but still connecting the two of them. There was no love there but Alec couldn’t stop it. This was the effect Sebastian had over him and he hated himself for it.

He had gotten so much better, he knew he was healthier, but he couldn’t stop. Sebastian had complete control over him like no one else had. It made him want to scream or cry or do something, but he couldn’t. Sebastian knew how to get in his head, even after he felt better, and there was nothing Alec could do to change that. It hurt him more than he could even say.

“See baby, look at this. I miss us, you’ve been gone so long. Why don’t you come back to me? Come on, let’s go home.” Sebastian whispered into Alec’s ear, hugging him closer and making Alec go cold all over.

“I _am_ home Sebastian.” Alec said and he attempted conviction.

His grip around Alec tightened but not in a loving way. “How could you say something like that?”

“Please don’t do this Sebastian. _Please_.” Alec did not enjoy begging, but this was what he was forced to resign to. “Please go.”

Sebastian pulled back but his hands did not leave Alec’s body. The evil in his eyes was masked by something Alec couldn’t detect, but it made him want to run away as far as he could.

“Aren’t you pleased to see me Alec?” Sebastian asked, his grin fading.

Alec couldn’t find anything to say. He didn’t want to be there, he wanted to be with Magnus, or anywhere where Sebastian wasn’t. “Please.”

“Kiss me Alec.” Sebastian said, ignoring his protests.

“No.” Alec’s voice was quiet.

“ _Kiss me_.” Sebastian repeated. This was not a request. Sebastian always got his way. Always.

“Sebastian, please don’t.” Alec tried again but it was too late.

Sebastian was leaning in and Alec couldn’t stop himself. Their lips met but there was no love in it. His lips were cold and chapped. This kiss was not the kiss of lovers or of people desperately in love, this was forced and there was nothing behind it but emptiness and a void of everything warm and compassionate. It was everything Alec despised but he couldn’t escape. He could never escape Sebastian.

The second it was over, Alec tried to push away so he could run and find help, but Sebastian’s grip was too tight and Alec felt so weak when he was around him. He could do nothing once Sebastian had his grip and attention on him, he was stuck there with him and whatever he wanted to do. No matter how much Alec wanted to get away, he couldn’t.

Sebastian was looking into Alec’s eyes, searching them with such a depth Alec felt hypnotised. Those deep and dark eyes made everyone cower before them, such a contempt lay beneath them and no one could get away.

“Why do you look scared?” Sebastian asked, although he didn’t want an answer. “You don’t have to be scared of me baby, I don’t want to hurt you.”

“Let me go Sebastian.” Alec was trying his absolute hardest to muster the courage to stand up to him. And it worked, inside his head.

Sebastian was showing no sign of leaving. Clearly, he was there to stay, to do whatever he wanted with Alec. It made Alec both scared and angry. With everything he was, Alec hated who he became when he was with Sebastian. It was not someone he liked and he wanted that version of himself to leave and never come back.

“Why would you want to hurt me Alec? I’m showing you nothing but love and you look at me like you barely know me.” Sebastian asked, his tone cold. “I don’t understand you, you’ve been away too long. You’ve forgotten who you are. You need to come back to me baby, we’ll sort this whole mess out.”

“Sebastian, don’t do this to me. Please go, let me be.” Alec said, his voice cracking on almost every word despite trying his hardest not to.

“Alec, you don’t know what you’re saying. Come on, come back to me. Something’s changed you and we can’t have that now, can we?”

Sebastian slid the hand that was gripping Alec’s wrist down to Alec’s hand and held it. Not gently or lovingly, but with force, once again claiming Alec as his. He was attempting to lead Alec out of the room and away from this building, back to the life he had happily left behind.

With everything Alec had, he halted the movement. He stopped in his tracks, for some reason gripping Sebastian’s hand too, to make it more poignant that he was not going to go with him. It was obvious Sebastian did not take a liking to this act of defiance.

His already harsh demeanour grew harsher, his frame going rigid and Sebastian looked back to him, his dark eyes full of intent. Alec felt the cold travel all the way down his spine but he had made his decision. Even if this would take a turn for the worse, he would be proud that he had managed to stand up to Sebastian.

“Don’t you fucking disrespect me Alec, you do not want me to get mad now, do you?” Sebastian’s spat the words out.

All Alec could do was shake his head.

“I don’t want to hurt you Alec.”

Alec shook his head again.

Sebastian stretched his neck both sides and squeezed Alec’s hand maliciously. “I can see you’ve made your choice. What a shame.”

For a moment, Alec thought he had triumphed.

It did not last. Sebastian started walking further into the apartment and away from the door, dragging a slightly protesting Alec behind him. They went down the corridor and he opened the first door on the right; Magnus’ bedroom. Alec felt his heart stop as Sebastian seemed satisfied with his decision and went into the room, closing the door behind them.

“I’ve never wanted to hurt you Alec, you know that. Sometimes we do things we don’t mean because we love people so much and you must know how much I love you- " Sebastian began as he let go of Alec and started to take off his own jacket.

“Stop it.” Alec said as he knew what was coming, feeling completely unable to end anything that was happening.

“Don’t interrupt me when I’m talking baby, you know how much I hate that.” Sebastian shook his head. “What has happened to you? Come on, take your clothes off.”

Alec could feel himself welling up, his voice constantly catching in throat before he could get any words out.

With what sounded like a snarl, Sebastian approached Alec, making him flinch. “Alec, don’t make me do this. I hate it when you make me do this.”

“I’m not making you do anything.” Alec said, quietly.

“Then comply with me baby. I know you want this, you have to. You’ve said you love me, didn’t you mean it? You had to have meant it Alec, let’s just do this now and then we can get back to the way we were, isn’t that a good idea? Don’t you want that?”

“No.” Alec answered. “I don’t want that.”

“Oh Alec, what’s got you so messed up?”

 _You_. Alec wanted to say it, so badly. But he couldn’t. He didn’t want to bet here, with Sebastian but he couldn’t get away. Desperately, he wanted Magnus to come home, to save him from this mess. Life was never kind enough for that to happen.

Again, Sebastian ran a hand across Alec’s cheek, this time letting it rest on Alec’s neck. The hairs rose again but not in the way that happened when Magnus did such a thing, this was twisted and grotesque.

“Why don’t you smile for me?” Sebastian asked, “You look so pretty when you smile.”

Alec could barely move, let alone smile. Everything felt so wrong but Alec could do nothing, he was at Sebastian’s whim and there wasn’t a single way he could change it. Each touch made Alec’s blood go cold, filling him with ice and nothing else.

“Take your clothes off baby.” Sebastian said again as he slid his hand up Alec’s shirt, his very touch chilling every bone in Alec’s body. “What’s stopping you? You want this, don’t you? You want me?”

Alec let him take his shirt off over his head to reveal his pale body. When he was with Magnus, he didn’t mind his body being revealed, the way Magnus touched him and held him, it comforted him in a way no one had before. When he was with Sebastian, he felt naked and embarrassed. He felt the need to cover himself up instantly but, when Alec went to move his hand, Sebastian stopped him.

“You’re so beautiful Alec, you shouldn’t abuse your body like this. It ruins you.” Sebastian said as he studied the scars on Alec’s wrists.

Alec pulled his hands away and hid them against his body. This change in stance appeared to offend Sebastian.

He grabbed Alec by the shoulders and turned him around, running his hands across Alec’s pale skin as he went. The blood inside Alec’s body was curling, and each touch made Alec number to the world. He closed his eyes, wishing for a miracle, for Sebastian to leave and Magnus to come home and hold him the way he wanted to be held.

Sebastian ran his hands down Alec’s back making him shiver and Sebastian got the wrong idea. He placed his lips to Alec’s neck and started kissing his was across Alec’s shoulders but, as their kiss was before, it had no love in it. They were empty and it made Alec want to leave his body and find somewhere else to be. Escape, at this point, was futile.

“I’ve missed you Alec. Why would you make me wait for you?” Sebastian moved his arms around to Alec’s belt buckle, pulling him closer so their bodies connected but they did not move as one as he would have done with Magnus. These were two very separate people and they should have stayed that way. As Sebastian’s hands fiddled with Alec’s belt, Alec closed his eyes and felt a tear roll down his cheek.

He wanted to wipe it away but he couldn’t muster the energy to do so. He had given up, what was coming was coming, Alec couldn’t fight it if he tried. So he didn’t bother. Fighting was useless against such a brute. Alec could do nothing but let it all happen, knowing this was going to send him back down the rabbit hole. So he would fall back down, thinking about how stupid he was for thinking he could climb out and be good again.

They do say it’s at the end of a long hike when you’re more likely to trip up. Alec had grown too accustom to happiness and love, how could he have possibly thought it would last? Life was full of tragedy and disappointment, and Alec had gone too long without it. This was his punishment for being so naïve.

Your demons followed you everywhere.

* * *

When Magnus came up the stairs, he was happy. His friend had fallen down the stairs by accident and he knew Alec was going to be waiting for him with that gorgeous smile on his lips and all the time in the world on their hands. With a skip in his step, he took the stairs two at a time, feeling luckier than ever to have such a beautiful human being by his side. Everything was wonderful in that moment.

But the door that should have been closed was wide open. Panic filled Magnus as he saw the door and he ran up the stairs, madly searching around the main room of his apartment for Alec, but he was not there. There was no sign of struggle, nothing to indicate that anything was wrong. But there _was_ something wrong, this place did not feel good.

“Alec?” Magnus called but there was no reply.

He shut the door and made his way across the room, hearing a muffled sound coming from his own bedroom. More fear filled Magnus but he didn’t know why. He didn’t know what he would find on the other side of that door but he knew it wasn’t going to be pleasant. As he pressed his ear to it, he felt his body go cold as he tried to quieten his breathing to listen.

There was muffled sobbing. That was the first thing he heard. And then there was voice, a voice he had heard twice before and ice filled his veins.

“You know you want this Alec. I never wanted to hurt you. I’m sorry I did, but you can’t only blame me, can you? I never meant to hurt you, you have to understand that, baby.” The voice was saying.

 _Baby_ … Magnus saw a white light, blinding as this rage consumed him. He threw the door open with a smash and saw what he had hoped to Raziel was not going to be the case.

Sebastian Morgenstern was in his bed, covers on top of his naked body as he thrust himself down. Then there was Alec, face down in the pillow, his hands covering his head and in his hair.  
  
“Get the fuck off of him!” Magnus yelled and he ran forward as Sebastian looked up. Alec did not move, he stayed exactly where he was, his muscles more tense than Magnus had ever seen.

“I knew you two were together.” Sebastian snarled, his face ugly in anger. “How could you Alec? Why would you do such a thing to me?”

“Don’t you fucking dare.” Magnus spat and he grabbed Sebastian by the hair and pulled him away from Alec, dragging him onto the floor as he struggled uselessly.

“Get off me you freak.” Sebastian was digging his hands into the floor to stop being moved but Magnus was not going to give up. He had never felt such rage, his blood boiling, his face hot, and the adrenaline that had kicked in made him strong enough to do as his mind willed.

With incredible force, he threw Sebastian against the wall. He hit his head and blinked hard before he focused again on Magnus, sitting himself up, contempt pure in his jet black eyes.

“Touch me again and I- " Sebastian began.

“If you speak again,” Magnus cut him off, “I will crack your skull in two. Don’t fucking test me.”

As he glanced back to Alec, he took the blanket and curled himself up, hiding his face from the other two in the room.

“Oh, Alec baby, don’t cry.” Sebastian attempted a soothing tone but Magnus wasn’t going to have it.

“Don’t talk to him again.” Magnus spat at the scum that was sat on his floor. “Don’t even look at him. Don’t you dare.”

Sebastian started laughing and Magnus clenched his fists.

“What are you going to do about it?” Sebastian laughed out, his lack of shame being unmatched.

“I’ll kill you.” Magnus said.

“As if.” Sebastian was an arrogant man.

If Magnus could have had his way, he would have beaten Sebastian to death right there. But he wasn’t allowed because of the law, so he called the cops instead. It took him a few minutes to explain the situation, the burning rage inside of him making it difficult to speak coherently. A couple of times, he had to apologise for his swearing, but he wasn’t sorry about it.

It was difficult to keep an eye on Sebastian and make sure Alec was okay at the same time, so he focused purely on getting Sebastian out of their apartment before he checked over Alec. The minutes that passed between the cops getting there were tense as Sebastian kept attempting to talk to Alec. And Magnus in response, although he wouldn’t admit it, may have punched him once or twice to shut him up.

The police gave Sebastian about ten seconds to throw his jeans on and then he was gone. Magnus made sure he was out of there, his clothes leaving too. He spent a few seconds explaining what had gone on, but with the way Sebastian was acting and the law caring more about men’s health than anything else, he was sure Sebastian would get his comeuppance for raping another man. The law was cruel like that but Magnus couldn’t sort out the sexism in the system at that moment in time.

Then he went back to Alec as quickly as he could. He hadn’t moved, he was still under the covers, crying more gently now. Magnus approached the bed and sat on the edge, lightly going to place a hand on Alec’s shoulder. He flinched, his whole body moving back and away from Magnus. Magnus was not offended, he was upset this was what Sebastian had done to his Alec.

“Alec,” Magnus soothed, “Shall we get you dressed?”

Alec was silent, so Magnus asked again and a miniature nod came. Magnus stood and got some fresh clothes out of his wardrobe, placing them on the end of the bed for Alec to get. Once he sat up, still covering himself with the sheet, he glanced at Magnus, his eyes red raw, before he shuffled down to the end of the bed.

“Can you not look at me please?” Alec asked, his voice hoarse.

“Of course.” Magnus said and he stood up and looked the other way, his heart breaking. He glanced down at the sheets and there was blood over them. Running a hand through his hair, he sighed. The fucker had abused Alec in the past and now he had abused him again, brutally and Magnus was fuming but there was no way he was going to take it out on Alec. Nothing could make him do that.

When Alec dressed, he padded his way out of the room stiffly and turned left to go into the main room, not talking to Magnus as he went. Magnus ripped the sheets of the bed, his anger coming out as he tore the fabric up and shoved it into the corner, getting prepared to dispose of them when the time came. He would do whatever he could to get rid of all memories of what had happened. As he changed the sheets, he tried not to scream.

Composing himself for a moment, Magnus then made his way out of the bedroom to find Alec. He was sat on sofa, rigidly staring at the television though it wasn’t on. Taking a deep breath, Magnus sat down, further away than he usually would. This would undo months of their work, of making Alec better and making him happy with who he was, he could tell that by looking at him. That was what made Magnus the angriest, the fact Alec had come so far and done so well, and now he was going to get sick again because of an asshole that Magnus wanted to kill.

“Do you want me to make you some coffee? A hot chocolate or something?” Magnus asked calmly.

Alec shook his head.

“Are you sure?”

Alec nodded. “I’m good.”

Magnus ran a hand through his hair and sat back into the sofa. “Do you want some food? Is there anything you want me to get you?” Magnus had never been in this position for, he didn’t know what to do or say.

Alec shook his head again. “Can I have a hug?”

Magnus didn’t even pause before he sat up again and hugged Alec. He didn’t hug him tight, or pull him about, he merely kept him close and kept his arms around his boyfriend. Alec held him back, his grip tighter than Magnus’ but he didn’t care, he just wanted to make Alec happy.

“I’m tired Magnus.” Alec said after they had sat like that for a good few minutes.

“Do you want to sleep in the spare room tonight?” Magnus asked, knowing his only priority right then was making Alec comfortable.

He could feel Alec nodding.

“Do you want me to go with you or do you want to sleep alone?” Magnus asked.

“Would you sleep next to me?” Alec asked as if he wasn’t sure what the answer was going to be. He had taken many steps back, unsure of other people and their thoughts or actions. Magnus felt a pang of pain in his heart.

“Of course I will.” Magnus said, forgetting about dinner and their evening plans. Now it was all about Alec, making him feel not so terrible.

They went to bed, Alec remaining in all his clothes and Magnus putting pyjamas on. He felt foreign in these clothes, sleeping in them when he usually slept in boxers or nothing at all. But he didn’t care anymore. He wanted Alec to be okay.

Alec slept on his side, facing Magnus with his arms tucked in, Magnus wrapping his own around Alec to make him feel safe. He could tell Alec was still awake, and that he was awake for hours and hours because Magnus was awake too. His mind was racing, full of worry for Alec’s condition, what he wanted to do to Sebastian, and what they were going to do next.

Magnus knew he was going to have to cancel a few appointments, he wasn’t, at any point, going to leave Alec alone for a while. He knew he had responsibilities for those other people and their wellbeing but this was something personal, this was Alec. He had to do things now that meant Alec took priority over others. He loved Alec more than anything and to leave him would be wrong.

Somehow, Magnus managed to go to sleep, and he awoke at nine o’clock the next day, thankfully a Saturday. Alec wasn’t awake which triggered the thought that, already, Alec was slipping back into his depressive state. He didn’t like lie-ins as he felt he had had too many in his time. This was not good news.

Carefully, he got out of bed so as to not wake Alec, and he started making breakfast. He went about it idly, his mind on other things. Nothing going through his head was coherent at that point, but he had to remain strong for Alec, so he wouldn’t make it seem like every ounce of his blood was boiling, about to erupt like a volcano.

Eventually, closer to ten than nine, Alec got out of bed. He hadn’t changed, which Magnus noted in his head instead of out. He gave Alec his warmest smile, and got a minuscule one in return before Alec looked at the floor. Something was on his mind, Magnus could tell, but he didn’t know what it was. Perhaps it was on the night before, but he desperately hoped that it wasn't. So he carried on with the breakfast and left silence in the air for Alec to talk. If he wanted to and if he was ready, he would.

“Do you still love me?” Alec asked suddenly, fiddling with the bacon on his plate and not eating it.

Magnus looked at him, confusion filling his mind. “Why would you ask something like that?”

“Because of last… last,” He shifted uncomfortably. “Because of yesterday. I thought, maybe, you might think I’d been unfaithful or something.”

His heart broke into a million pieces and he stopped what he was doing to lean on the counter to look at Alec. Already, he had worry lines around his eyes again. His blue eyes were hazed, their purity fading. Magnus wanted to go and find Sebastian to rip him to shreds, but he would stay with Alec.

“There’s nothing that could make me love you any less Alexander. Every time I see you, I fall for you all over again and harder than the last time.” Magnus said. “And what happened yesterday is no fault of your own, it was not unfaithful of you, my love. I shan’t ever blame you and I will continue to love you forever and always.”

“I feel gross in my own skin.” Alec said. “I thought you might see me like that too.”

“I think you are always beautiful, and you should not feel like that because there is no reason for you to feel gross. You aren’t the one who should feel like that, _he_ should because he’s a disgusting human being.”

“You know, I really thought my next session with you would be our last.” Alec said, and he laughed at himself.

However, he wasn’t being stupid. Magnus wanted to show him that and he thought he had, but now things were falling apart again and it was entirely unfair and unjust and horrific. Magnus hated the world sometimes.

“So you need a few more,” Magnus said. “That’s not the end of the world.”

He managed to put on a film that he knew Alec liked and Alec agreed to watch it as Magnus cancelled his next week of appointments. After a slight protest from Alec, Magnus had convinced him this was the best thing to do. He could tell by the way Alec had only objected slightly that he actually wanted him to stay, meaning Magnus knew he wouldn’t back down whatsoever.

A few of his clients asked what was happening but Magnus explained only that he was having a personal issue. Then he scheduled sessions for the week after, hoping Alec might be a bit better by then. But he could always cancel again or get Jace or someone around if Alec needed them too.

He knew Alec would not want Jace or any of them knowing, but he called him all the same. Somehow, Jace knew what had happened before Magnus even got the words out. He didn’t explain every little detail but Jace understood and he vowed to go and kill Sebastian the second he saw him.

Eventually, Magnus calmed him down over the phone and told him that, to make sure Alec didn’t panic, he kept everything normal and not come over unannounced. If Magnus needed him round, he would call for sure and Jace, trusting Magnus, agreed. He also agreed to tell the others, discreetly, and tell them that Magnus had it as under control as he could. It was reassuring to hear that Jace had confidence in him, it made him feel more confident about helping Alec.

Once he was done, he went back to Alec and said that the next week, Magnus was all his. Anything and everything he needed, Magnus would be there to satisfy it. Some may have felt uncomfortable, being treated that much because of the trauma they had been caused, as if Magnus was compromising to make him feel loved, but it felt like Alec needed that; to feel loved again. That’s why he didn’t complain.

The week went by slowly. Alec had gone quiet, even their silences began to feel tense, maybe even awkward. He spent a lot of the time in the chill room, Magnus saw him drawing a couple of times, so he left him to it. He didn’t feel any offence, if that’s what Alec needed to feel better, then Magnus was all for it. Alone time might be good for his head, as long as he didn’t disappear from reality completely.

It was clear he still loved and trusted Magnus, he would still spend time with him and he didn’t sleep out on the streets again. He slept in the same bed as Magnus, finally mustering the courage to sleep in their room and not the spare room, and he still spoke to Magnus and kissed him. There was no withdrawal or retracting, he just got quiet and more depressed. Considering the situation, it was okay, better than Magnus had thought would happen.

Magnus did go back to work the week after that, but he made sure Alec had someone at home with him. He was sure Alec knew what was happening, and Magnus was not necessarily saying he wanted Alec under constant surveillance, but he wanted him to feel loved and taken care of. Alec also let it happen, he let Jace in without even questioning why he was over and when Tessa came over and miraculously wanted to stay even after Magnus was gone, Alec didn’t mind. Tessa was lovely and she made it seem like it was something she wanted to do before Magnus had asked, maybe that helped.

And when he came home after a day of being with someone else, Alec hugged Magnus and said he missed him. Once or twice, Magnus asked if he would prefer it if he took more time off work but Alec assured the time away just made him want to spend more time with him when he came home. That was a good thing in Magnus’ mind, so he carried on going to work.

Sometimes his mind was preoccupied in counselling but, after he had told his clients he had been dealing with stuff at home, they seemed to understand. That was the great thing about treating patients like this; they would be going through things in their lives they could relate to with Magnus, and they never expected too much. Sure, he was meant to be making _them_ feel better, but he was always extremely glad when they understood if Magnus wasn’t feeling his best. That much showed he was human and that made his clients even more comfortable talking to him about their lives.

The Tuesday came when Alec would be restarting his sessions, he’d missed a couple of them because of how he was feeling, and Magnus could totally understand that. And he cancelled again. It worried Magnus, as if this was something that was never going to change, like Alec was falling back to where he was before, but Alec assured him he just needed a break.

“My mind isn’t there yet.” Alec said as he went to bid goodbye to Magnus at the door.

“You’re okay though?” Magnus asked. “I thought you would be coming to spend the day with me, so there won’t be anyone here.”

“That’s okay. I can’t have company for the rest of my life.” Alec said, and he smiled slightly. “You need to go or you’ll be late.”

“I can call Jace, I’m sure he’d be fine to come over.”

“No.” Alec stated. “I’m going to be okay. I’ll run a bath or something, I’ll chill out. I don’t want you to worry.”

Magnus accepted this and they kissed goodbye. It was a lingering kiss, longer than Alec had kissed him in a couple of weeks. Magnus knew that was because he was going to be left on his own but Alec did need to learn, he guessed, so he left him alone with only a hint of regret.

“I’ll miss you.” Alec said as he waited for Magnus to leave.

“You too, my love.” Magnus said as he retreated down the steps.

In counselling, his mind was not where it should have been. He kept wanting to text Alec, to check him over and make sure he was okay, but he had to trust Alec. He had to know he could do this. What he had said earlier was right, he couldn’t not be alone forever. The first step was the hardest, but it was still a step.

Will, who he had been in session with for half an hour, had picked up on this. And he wasn’t a prying man, but he did like to know things, and Magnus could understand that.

“Are you okay?” Will asked. “You’re a little distracted.”

Magnus shook his head back to reality. “Please forgive me, my mind is elsewhere.”

“Can I ask where?” Will asked and Magnus thoroughly paused. “We are friends, right? You help me, I help you.”

Magnus took a deep breath. He trusted Will, he could tell him things about his personal life. “I walked in on someone I love being raped, and today is the first day I’m leaving them alone.”

“I’m sorry to hear that. How are they? Mentally, I mean?” Will asked.

“This person,” Magnus said, not wanting to mention Alec’s name at all. Mostly because he loved him and knew he would not want this to be a known factor of his being, but also because it hurt too much to even think about, mentioning his name would push him overboard, “Has been through some pretty shitty things and went through years of depression. When they were finally on the verge of being better, this sent them back to a darker place. They say they’re fine, and I believe them, I’m just a worrier.”

Will nodded. “If they say they’re fine, you should trust them. But, even so, you worry because there’s reason to worry, right? Such a thing can make people want to kill themselves and, no matter how strong they are, it’s going to affect them. I think you’re doing well and you can’t help them consistently forever, getting them back to normality is good. That’s something you should know.”

Magnus smiled and thanked him. “You should have been a counsellor.” He said.

“I hate helping people. I like sarcastic comments and being mean. Once in a while, I can be nice. That’ll be it for about a year now.” Will said and he smiled.

“Well, thank you all the same.”

“It’s all right.” Will said. “You can stop your worrying now. You can’t worry forever, they’ll be okay.”

* * *

Alec was not okay. Every day since Sebastian had come and done what he did, Alec had declined back to where he once was. Most of the time he spent in the chill room was him just crying about how useless and terrible he felt. Since he now knew what it was like to feel good and look good, he managed to fake it well.

He didn’t like lying to Magnus about how he was feeling. Lying, in fact, was his least favourite thing to do, and he had done it to everyone he had seen over the past couple of weeks. He hated himself more for it, for making himself appear fine and like he would get over it with a little help. It was all untrue. Alec hated himself and who he was more than ever. And his loved ones didn’t know.

When Magnus left the apartment, Alec had gone to the store that sold the proper equipment he needed and bought it with ease. Like he said he would, he ran himself a bath, it had to be hot, not enough to scald him but enough to make him sweat when he would be in there, that was what he needed. He also put in lots of bath salts and oils and everything of the sort to make him relax. He was already set in his decision, so he didn’t need to relax but he did it anyway, just in case.

The being set in the decision part had been made much easier by Magnus inviting everyone around to keep him company. It gave him the time he need to feel good in their friendships and relationships. He made sure they all saw him as the happy person he should be, that he had been. And not having to invite them around himself made it less suspicious and not as if he was saying goodbye. They didn’t seem worried and Alec didn’t want them to be.

He wasn’t worried himself either, he knew this was where he should be. Life had gone so downhill and then it had been so good. He had gotten his fair share of niceties, and now, of course, that time had to come to an end. Nobody got good things forever, so he couldn’t expect to get that treatment. It had been stupid to think he would deserve that, and he knew now what he had to do.

There was no fear, or anger, or sadness in him. This was the right thing for him to do, it was his path. It had been avoided, and he had to carry on going down the road, not expecting anymore twists or turns because the end of it was nigh. His life, everything he had done, it was over.

Remembering what Magnus said as he stripped down to only his boxers when he committed suicide, about everything seeming solvable, he didn’t get that feeling. He knew the physical things were, but hating himself and his body, and not knowing if he could ever love or trust again, that much Alec knew wasn’t solvable. He knew he couldn’t go back to the way he was a couple of weeks ago.

It was set in his heart and his head that this was what he had to do. He had nothing left to say, nothing left to do. Although his friends didn’t know it, he had said goodbye. He’d left a note in the drawer of Magnus’ desk, hoping he could be forgiven, but he wouldn’t ever know. Not unless Raziel granted him that pleasure, but he was sure He wasn’t too great with suicidal deaths.

With the razor in hand, he recalled the first time he had every put blade to skin. It had been the day he came out to his parents and family. For some school project he couldn’t remember, he had a pair of scissors in his room and it seemed like the only option at the time. He took the scissors and sliced deep into his skin and it was painful.

He had bled from the one cut he had made but the release from the mental pain had made it worth it. So he cut again, and then again, and then again. They weren’t deep cuts, but they were enough to bleed. He wouldn’t bleed out but he would bleed enough to feel like he had some control on his life. With no control on his sexuality and his feelings, having control like this, it made it not as bad as it had been before he cut himself. Each cut had its own purpose and that made Alec feel better about bleeding.

Knowing now how he treated his body was the only control he had, he put the razor to the crease of his elbow. There wasn’t any coming back from this one, no way to feel guilty about the mess he would leave behind. This wasn’t a way of releasing pain, he wouldn’t cut across, he would cut down, the way you did when you didn’t want to come back. These were not going to be the light slices like his first time, these would be deep. These would be the final things he ever did.

And, with a single tear falling across his cheek, he sliced.


	2. Their Own Solution

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What comes next? Finding light amongst the darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is. Now you can see how sadistic I am x

> “So the small things came into their own: small acts of helping others, if one could; small ways of making one's own life better: acts of love, acts of tea, acts of laughter. Clever people might laugh at such simplicity, but, she asked herself, what was their own solution?”   
> ― Alexander McCall Smith,  _The Good Husband of Zebra Drive_

Magnus had been around death a lot in his life. Whether he was directly involved or it was the people around him, death seemed to surround everywhere he went. Every now and again, when Magnus was feeling dramatic, he felt like he was cursed, but anyone would if they had seen that much death in their life. Magnus did not believe in curses, but sometimes life made you hope such abstract ideas were real so you could make sense out of it.

He had been informed by Catarina’s doctor that there had been an accident on the Bridge. He could remember every detail as if it were yesterday; the phone call, the running to the hospital, the asking what happened and if anyone else survived, he remembered it all. Searching relentlessly through the hospital, he had found Catarina in the operating room for some sort of emergency surgery to save her life.

Waiting for her to wake up had been a painful few hours and she couldn’t even concentrate enough to answer his or the police’s questions for another day after the accident. Magnus had had little to go on except for what the news had said, and he didn’t watch much of that because he didn’t want any of it to be true.

What he wanted to be true was that it had all been some sort of sick joke and that the rest of his friends were somewhere else, waiting to jump out and scare him. That was not the case. Catarina had described it all in painstaking detail, the way it swerved and crashed through the barrier, how, when they were freefalling into the water, Catarina had taken hold of Toby’s hand and started praying and saying how dearly she loved him. Then they crashed into the water and everything went blurry.

The void Magnus had after hearing about it felt entirely too empty to ever fill again. Catarina had tried her hardest to get better and Magnus wanted to stay strong for her, but it had been too difficult. He fell into a darkness he would never, ever get out of. That’s how he _felt_ at least.

When that part of his life was over, he thought maybe the death he was surrounded by would lessen. Since he was counselling people, he thought the death count would decrease, and it had. He hadn’t had people die for years and everything was now about life and living.

And then he had found Alec in the bathtub. That had been the worst thing he had seen in, perhaps, his entire life. Coming home, he thought he would find Alec sitting on the sofa, ready to watch a film and eat pizza, but he hadn’t been there. He had gone to the chill room and the other rooms, not noticing the bathroom door was locked.

He’d knocked, asked if Alec was okay, but no reply had come. That’s why he smashed through the door, breaking the lock as he did. All the colour Alec had had was gone, and the bath water was not clear or even tinted blue; it was red. His pale body was immersed in a sea of blood and his eyes were lifeless. Magnus had burst into tears, thinking there was nothing he could do for his love, for his Alec.

Rushing to the side of the bath, he’d checked for any sign of response, and there was slight pulse beneath his chest. It was minimal, but it was there. Magnus had called an ambulance the second he felt it, and picked Alec up to get him out of the bathtub of blood. As he covered his wrists with towels and applied as much pressure as his hands would allow, the ambulance crew arrived and did what they could in the apartment before taking him away in the ambulance, Magnus going with him. He couldn’t hold his hand, but he was there, for any form of support or help that was needed.

The doctors and crew asked him a lot of questions about Alec’s mental state and how long he had been alone. Most of them Magnus knew the answer to, but to questions like who his next of kin was and what his blood type was, Magnus couldn’t answer. They would just have to do with what kind of information he had because he didn’t have anything else.

They had to stitch the wounds. It was a blessing in disguise that he had only done one slit per arm because it meant he didn’t bleed out as much as he would have wanted to. A few more minutes in that bath and it would have been too late to save him. Magnus had almost missed the tram. If that had happened, Magnus would have lost him forever.

Thankfully, Raziel was being kind to them now as Magnus and Alec were the same blood type. So, after the stitches, Magnus was donating his blood. If it wouldn’t have killed him, Magnus would have given him all his blood, but that wasn’t necessary either. He only needed to give _enough_ , enough to replenish what Alec had lost. And, since Alec had lost a lot, Magnus was going to be there a while. Alec had lost too much in reality but, somehow, they managed to stabilise him.

They wrapped his wrists up in bandages, to stop them ripping open or for some reason like that, Magnus wasn’t paying attention at that point. He was too relieved, too exultant because Alec wasn’t going to die. Maybe that wasn’t what _Alec_ wanted but Magnus didn’t want to think about that for a moment. He just wanted Alec to live.

Alec didn’t wake up for a long time. A couple of days went by and Alec was still passed out. Well, he _had_ woken up for a couple of seconds a few times but never long enough to say anything or be properly conscious. Jace, Clary, Simon, and Isabelle had been round to see him and they stayed there too, only leaving to go to sleep back at home. Even Tessa and Jem came by to leave flowers and keep Magnus company, Catarina as well as she worked at the hospital Alec was admitted to.

He didn’t leave Alec’s side, not for a second unless he had to use the bathroom. He slept in the chair next to the bed, ate there too. Some doctors tried to get him to leave but Magnus wouldn’t have it. He didn’t want Alec waking up alone. He was going to wait because he loved him too dearly to let him go through this alone.

If, even for one second, Magnus thought about Alec having to wake up without him, he felt sick. He had left Alec alone, and that had led to this event in his life. It had been too soon to leave him and Magnus couldn’t forgive himself. And for that reason, he was going to stay with him until he awoke. That was the best thing for him and Magnus needed to redeem himself for being as terrible as he had been.

And then he did wake up. It was slow, Magnus didn’t even realise it was happening as he thought it was merely his eyes fluttering or maybe it was him waking up for a couple of seconds before he slept again. Not this time. His eyes flickered open and he blinked a lot, taking in his surroundings. It was clear he had never expected to open his eyes again.

When his eyes settled on Magnus, for he was the only one in the room at that time, his confusion grew. Then it turned to sadness, then pain as he noticed the bandages on his wrists. A thousand feelings pummelled through him over a short space of time and they were all readable upon his face. Magnus could feel himself welling up.

“Magnus?” Alec asked, his voice rough and quiet.

Magnus reached a hand out and cupped Alec’s cheek. “Hey gorgeous.” Magnus greeted, his voice breaking.

Alec welled up too but his tears spilled over the edge. “Are you mad with me?”

Magnus shook his head. “No, my love, I’m not mad with you.”

“I’m sorry Magnus.” Alec said, his voice incredibly weak.

Magnus hushed him. “Please don’t be. It’s no one’s fault.”

“But I did something stupid.”

“It’s okay. We all do stupid things.” Magnus soothed.

Nodding softly, Alec said, “They hurt.” He grimaced as he moved his arms.

Magnus called the nurse in, not wanting to leave Alec for a single second. The nurse came in and he went to the machine next to Alec’s bed, pressing all sorts of buttons. Then he prepped a needle that he injected into Alec’s arm, telling Alec it would help with the pain.

“You’re going to have a lot of drugs pumping through your system soon Alec,” The nurse informed as he checked the chart at the bottom of the bed and wrote something down, “So be prepared to feel odd very soon, but you’ll be fine, they’ll make you better.”

“Am I going to have to take anti-depressants now?” Alec asked, watching the nurse intently.

“The doctors have been talking about putting you on a prescription for them, yes.” He answered. “But they’ll come back in soon and talk to you more. Don’t panic. Relax and get better.” The nurse finished with a smile and left the room, leaving Alec and Magnus alone.

“What did he mean by ‘feel odd’?” Alec asked Magnus.

He shrugged. “No idea. I guess you’ll, I don’t know, feel peculiar.” Magnus said.

“You just changed the word he used.” Alec commented, and smiled. “That doesn’t tell me anything.”

The smile was unexpected. Perhaps he was already on anti-depressants, or maybe cutting his wrists open had pushed him to the edge and now he would feel better instantly. Magnus didn’t know, he was just happy to see him smiling.

“I feel a bit fuzzy already.” Alec said and he blinked multiple times.

It made Magnus smile.

“What’re you smiling at?” Alec asked, turning his attention and curious eyes to him.

“You.” Magnus said as he stood up and leaned over the bed to kiss him on the cheek.

He blushed and it was beautiful. Seeing him blush like that, so properly and so purely, it was wonderful enough to make Magnus beam at him. After pulling his chair closer, he took hold of one of Alec’s bandaged wrists and massaged his thumb across it. It was unlikely Alec could feel it, but Magnus did it all the same.

Most definitely, Alec did start to get odd because of all the medication pumping through his system. When Jace came in, he greeted him with the widest smile and said he had never been happier to see a blonde in his entire life. The quizzical look from Jace faded only slightly after Magnus explained the drugs were going to make Alec a bit weird over the next few hours. It wasn’t necessarily a bad ‘weird’, it was more like he was eternally happy and more confident.

When the doctor came in, telling him they had done a test for HIV because Sebastian had not worn protection when doing what he done to Alec, Alec smiled throughout. His smile grew even more when he said he was negative. Even though the doctor had said they would need to do more tests to check again in a few months, Alec still smiled and thanked him. Then the doctor spoke about the kind of drugs he was on and that the best course of action would be pills for his illness. Alec, again, thanked him and said he liked how he felt and he would like to continue feeling like that.

It was a little like he was drunk to be honest, like one of those happy drunks. It made everyone who came in to see him happy too. It was certainly not what they had expected to see after Alec had committed suicide but they weren’t complaining. After Magnus asked if Alec would like to contact his parents, Alec said he would steal one of each of Magnus’ pair of socks if he even thought about it.

He even asked Magnus if he would lie in bed with him, which Magnus didn’t think was appropriate considering they had guests. However, they said what Alec wanted needed to be met, so Magnus climbed onto the bed to wrap an arm around his shoulder and keep him comfortable, trying not to tangle or rip out any of the wires going into Alec’s skin.

“Clary,” Alec piped up after staring out of the window for a long time, “You have something on your finger.”

She was wearing an engagement ring, Magnus had been informed Jace had proposed on the night of Alec’s suicide attempt. It was a morsel of good news at the time, two people getting the happiness they deserved whilst Alec was getting more blood to replace the amount he had lost. This was, apparently, the first time Alec had noticed it.

“Jace finally proposed.” Clary answered, taking hold of Jace’s hand, the two smiling at each other in their sickly sweet manner.

“Well, why haven’t we celebrated?” Alec asked. There was an uncomfortable silence then, one Alec was confused about. “What?”

“That was the night you, you know, did the thing.” Jace answered, looking the most awkward Magnus had ever seen him look.

“Shit.” Alec cursed. “Did I put a dampener on it?”

“Of course not.” Clary was quick to assure him. “It’s fine, everything’s okay now.”

“I’m selfish to take the attention away, I’m sorry.” Alec said. “Get the nurse to get champagne, we’ll celebrate now.”

“You’re not allowed.” Magnus said.

“What?” Alec was offended by this. “You slit your wrists once and suddenly you’re not allowed alcohol, Angel above. Well, anyway, I congratulate you two entirely and wish you all the best.” Alec said, raising his hand as if he had a glass in it and toasting the two of them. Then he was quiet a moment before piping up suddenly, “Magnus, I have something to tell you.”

“Okay?” Magnus was concerned about what it would be. Since Alec had a lot more confidence, he could have said absolutely anything, despite his sister, his sister’s boyfriend, his own brother, and his own brother’s girlfriend being in the room.

“I don’t think you found it,” Alec carried on, “But there’s a note in that drawer you don’t use much. The one in your desk.”

“You wrote me a note?”

“Mhm. That’s what you do when you commit suicide.” Alec said, “I would tell you to go get it and burn it, but I know for a fact you’ll read it no matter what I say. So, just cry and _then_ throw it in the trash please.”

“I’m going to cry?” Magnus asked, looking at Alec who was fiddling with the buttons on Magnus’ shirt.

“Yeah, you’re an emotional wreck, of course you’re going to cry.” Alec said matter-of-fact-ly.

Magnus snorted. “You know I want to go home and read it right now, don’t you?”

“I know, but I don’t want you to leave me, not yet.”

“I can go get it, if you want.” Isabelle piped up.

“Izzy, that would be the kindest thing anyone has ever done for me.” Alec said, putting a hand over his heart. The way he spoke, it was airy and light, actually quite endearing. “Apart from the time when Magnus saved me from the Bridge. And the time when he picked me out of the bath. And the time Jace let me stay in his apartment. And the time Clary forgave me after I said she was a terrible person. You know what, people do a lot of kind things for me, but it’ll be up there as one of them Izzy, I promise.”

Isabelle smiled at her brother as she went to kiss his cheek. She then grabbed Simon’s hand and led him out of the room before asking which drawer and for the key to get in. Seeming pleased with himself, Alec went back to fiddling with Magnus’ buttons.

“You called Clary a terrible person?” Jace asked.

“I sure did, I thought I was in love with you and then she came along and she was _actually_ in love with you. I’m a very jealous person, Magnus said, in one of our sessions, that the reason I might push people away is because I get jealous easily. Anyway, I said that she, you Clary, were terrible for taking Jace’s time away from me and I was never going to be her friend because I didn’t like her.” Alec said in one long breath, “I’m very sorry about that Clary.” He smiled at her widely.

“I forgive you.” Clary said, taking hold of Jace’s hand. “He’s mine now anyway.”

“You can’t parade him around in front of me, that’s just rude.” Alec said. “But I have someone a lot better, and better looking now, so...”

“Do you mean me?” Magnus asked, grinning.

“No, our gardener.” Alec retorted.

“I knew you were having an affair.” Magnus said and he kissed the top of Alec’s head.

Alec laughed. “These anti-depressants are going to change who I am Magnus. I’m going to be a different person, you won’t love me anymore.”

“I’ll love you forever.”

“You say that now, but when I turn into one of those people that’s happy all the time, you’ll hate me for it.” Alec said as if it was fact.

It was not fact. Magnus knew he would love Alec forever and always, there was nothing that could change that. If Alec became one of those people that was always happy, then Magnus would be happier for him. It would not make him love him any more or any less.

“Oh Raziel.” Alec complained, looking at his hands, “I look like _‘The Mummy’_. How could you possible love _‘The Mummy’_ , Magnus?”

Alec started moving his hands around as is he could feel the air, the way people acted when they were drunk and Magnus watched him. Magnus was entranced by him and how light he was feeling in comparison to how he had been a few days ago. Drugs could be a wonderful thing sometimes.

But then Alec started grimacing. Looking at his left wrist, he tensed up his arm and put his other hand to it. Magnus watched him with all his attention, worry consuming what was happiness a mere few seconds ago.

“What’s the matter Alec?” Magnus asked.

“It hurts again.” Alec said. “Like it’s sore.”

The white bandage started to seep, staining with bloos as the colour spread slowly through the fabric. Clearly the movement had done damage that was not intended as he was meant to be resting. This excitement was not resting.

“Could you get the nurse please Jace?” Magnus suggested as he climbed off the bed in a calm manner, knowing this wasn’t the end of the world.

Hurriedly, Jace went to find someone as Clary and Magnus assured Alec he was fine. Not only did the drugs make Alec happier, they also made him more panicky and over-dramatic. Few things came without flaws, but Magnus loved him enough to ignore that.

The nurse came in and he had to redo Alec’s sutures, all whilst Alec was fretting and claiming they would have to chop his hand off now. Underneath the bandages, after the nurse had removed it, Magnus saw one long, sore slice from his elbow crease to his wrist. It was still painfully scarlet, and a few of the stitches had come undone, making it leak steadily.

Magnus found himself remembering when he found Alec, sat in the pool of blood and it was not a pleasant memory. The red was so thick and so readily flowing, it made Magnus uncomfortable. So easily, a life could end and it was not something Magnus particularly wanted to think about.

“I’m going to have huge scars.” Alec commented as he watched himself get stitched up again.

With the gentlest touch, Magnus took his free hand and said, “And it’s just another part of you, we’ve discussed this before. I thought you were okay with them?”

“Sebastian made me feel bad again.” Alec said.

The very mention of his name made Magnus see white. But he calmed himself down with a deep breath, not wanting to upset Alec in any way. He also promised to never talk about him again unless Alec brought him up. “Well, then I will make sure to reverse that completely.”

The nurse, after he had rewrapped Alec’s wrists, stood. “Now don’t move too vigorously.” 

“Yes sir.” Alec said as he rose a hand to salute before realising that would go against exactly what he had just been told, so he lowered it again and only nodded. “When can I go?”

“The doctor said, if you don’t get any worse, you can go in a couple of days.” He answered.

“A couple of _days_?” 

“Unfortunately, you’re on suicide watch and we need the prescriptions to come through. We have to keep an eye on you, that’s all.”

“But I feel fine.” Alec said.

“Yes, but that’s because you’re on a lot of drugs and pain killers and all of those things are making you feel better than usual. Once we wean you onto what you’ll normally be on, we need to know if you still feel fine. That will take a couple of days, so I hope you feel comfortable in this bed because it’s the only one we’ve got.” He gave Alec a small smile and left the room.

Shifting both awkwardly and uncomfortably, Alec quietly said to Magnus, “I don’t have insurance, how am I here?”

“Don’t worry about that, I paid for it.” Magnus said and he kissed Alec’s forehead.

“But that must’ve been expensive.”

“You are worth all of it and more sweetheart.” Magnus said, smiling at him as he meant every single word.

A little more time passed, Alec still joking about and making everyone around him smile, then Simon and Isabelle returned. They took longer than was perhaps necessary, making Magnus wonder if they did go there and come straight back, or if something else may have happened, but he didn’t want to think about that. They handed Magnus the sealed envelope and gave him a smile.

He commented that he expected them to read it, but it had Magnus’ name on it and, not only would that technically be fraud, it was meant for Magnus, and anyone else reading it would not be fair on Alec and his wishes.

“Shall I read this outside the room or inside?” Magnus asked Alec.

“You’ll start crying and that’ll be terrible for me. I’m supposed to be having happy thoughts.” Alec answered.

“You’re saying I should go read this outside then?” Magnus clarified, standing to go.

“You’ll be an emotional wreck, so yes, I can’t deal with that.” Alec said, grinning.

“Is it going to make me feel depressed?” Magnus asked.

“Probably but hey, you can join the club.” Alec said light-heartedly.

Laughing as happily as anyone could, Magnus left the room not quite believing Alec was making jokes about his depression. He knew this note would not be something he could read to make his day better, but he needed to read it. He needed to know what Alec could say to him in a letter that he couldn’t say in person. He had to know what way Alec wanted to say goodbye. He went down to the café which was a couple of floors below because he didn’t want Alec to see him crying.

He welled up at the first sentence.

_My dearest Magnus,_

_I know you’re meant to write something along the lines of ‘by the time you read this, I’ll be gone’ or something like that, but I’ve never liked clichés, despite some of their truths. Even so, I know you might not find me in the prettiest of situations, and for that I will be eternally sorry, I just didn’t know what else to do._

_I’m also sorry that I’m going to be leaving you. I love you, I do. There’s no one I’ve loved as much as I’ve loved you. Before, when I was going to jump off Golden Gate Bridge, I didn’t even write a note because I knew no one would care enough to read it, and now I have. So, I need you to know that you have changed me for the better. That all of your efforts and all of the love you’ve given me did make me better. I_ was _better, for a long time, and I want you to know that that is down to you._

_I love you, with all that I am, and I don’t want you to think for even a second that I don’t. This thing that I have to do, it’s just because it’s something I need to do now. Everything that happened to me, it got too much and I’m too messed up in the head. You did do wonderfully with me, you’re an amazing counsellor and an even better person, but not everyone can be cured. You tried so hard, and I love you so much for that, but I can’t be cured now. It’s too late for me and I don’t want you to waste your time when you could be helping someone who deserves it._

_Tell my friends that I loved them too and I wish them all the best. I’m a coward and I can’t say goodbye properly, and I’m sorry._

_I’m sorry for a lot of things in my life but I will never be sorry about meeting you._

_I love you so much and I wish you the best in your life and your endeavours. I hope you can find someone better than me and worth all of your love._

_Your Alec._

Tears were running steadily down Magnus’ face by the time he had finished. No one looked at him because it was a hospital and loved ones cried for their loved ones in public there. Folding the letter up, he wiped at his eyes furiously, remembering he was wearing makeup and cursing as he made his way to the bathroom, hiding his face as he went.

His face was flushed and his breathing was erratic. He cleaned off the makeup and splashed his face with water to make his face less rouged. Then he reapplied his makeup and tried to make it look as though he hadn’t been crying. Of course Alec would know he’d been crying, there was no way he was not going to cry, but he needed to present himself well. Magnus was Alec’s rock at this moment in time, he had to be as strong as he could for him. Sure, crying wasn’t a weakness but sometimes you had to look good to feel good.

He went back to the room and kissed Alec straight away without any hesitation. Everyone else in the room seemed to take it in their stride and accept it for what it was. Also accepting it for what it was, was Alec who kissed him back. He would have wrapped his hands around Magnus but his wrists were preventing him, resulting in Magnus holding him tighter for the both of them.

Then he climbed back into the bed and kept Alec close, resuming his place as if he hadn’t just read Alec’s suicide note. Being so sassy was exhausting for Alec, and he fell asleep on Magnus’ shoulder a few minutes after he had returned. With Magnus gently playing with Alec’s hair, it was a soothing environment and Magnus knew he needed the sleep. Despite being unconscious for so long, Alec would still need the rest because he’d been through too much trauma to stay awake for too long.

But he was going to get better, Magnus was certain about that. He thought he knew before, but this time he was sure of it. With the pills and with him going as far as to actually commit suicide, Magnus knew he wanted to live. No one who wanted to die would have stayed strong for so long, it just wasn’t the way the body worked. People who wanted to die would have died before Magnus managed to come home, and Alec had survived. He survived longer than someone should have after slicing their wrists and that meant something. Alec wanted to live, and Magnus was going to make sure that happened.

* * *

Alec managed to get out of hospital after three more days had gone by. The doctors said they were trying to be extra careful and Alec didn’t complain. Having someone care about him purely for his health was foreign to Alec and he didn’t mind it, other people caring made him better.

After his first ordeal with the crazy amount of drugs making him woozy and peculiarly happy, Alec calmed down. When he got onto purely his prescribed medicine, he did feel happy but, thankfully, not _as_ sassy. Alec’s sass was more on a subtle level, not the sort of level where he was retorting to every sentence. That was Jace’s level, not his.

The bandages had to stay on for some time. Despite Alec assuring everyone he had no intention to bleed out to death again, the doctors had to keep the bandages on so he wouldn’t pick at the stitches. He was slightly worried they were going to give him a cone like a dog. It was a precaution, Alec knew that, but he felt they were treating him like a kid who couldn’t be trusted.

That also meant he hadn’t washed himself or been washed in almost a week. Even when Alec had been severely depressed, he still liked to clean himself every now and again, the not wanting to shower had luckily not been one of his symptoms. So this was torture as he felt like he stank the place up wherever he went and he was uncomfortable in his own skin.

When he got back to Magnus’, in fresh clothes that did nothing to help his cleanliness, he had a desperate need to cleanse. But he couldn’t shower. With the bandages around his arms and hands, he had to keep them completely dry so they wouldn’t get destroyed. If it had been only on one arm, it would have been manageable, but with them on both, it was impossible. That left him with one option.

“Could you bathe me?” Alec asked once they had settled back into the apartment and put their things away.

Magnus looked around from where he was in their bedroom, “Sure. Now?”

Alec nodded. “Would you get in with me?”

A grin spreading across his lips, Magnus nodded. Then the smile faded. “Are you going to be okay in the bath?”

He nodded again. “You remember what you said about fighting your demons, I have to do that. With you there, I shouldn’t be triggered anywhere, but I have to get back on the horse, right? Because if you don’t get on the horse, you’ll never run in a field again.” Alec explained. “And I want to run again.”

So Magnus ran him a bath. It was full of bubbles and soothing salts and everything relaxing within a bath. Alec stripped and put these odd casts on he was given by the hospital, feeling like an utter fool once he had. Magnus got in first and had to help Alec lower himself down so he could rest between Magnus’ legs and back onto his chest. Even with the casts on, he felt good there.

It would have been nicer if he could interlock their fingers and sit with him, dozing off, but that was physically impossible. They had only ever done the ‘bathing together’ thing once and Alec had still been self-conscious back then and he had tried to hide his scars and keep the bubbles covering his private area. Now he liked his body enough to not do that, but they would have to bathe together again so they could finally do it properly and that was not something Alec would exactly dread doing.

They breathed as one, Magnus pressing kisses to Alec’s shoulders as they soaked in the warm water. It was comforting and Alec breathed deeply and enjoyed his serenity. His anti-depressants were making his head clearer and sure, he had never liked the idea of being on drugs to make him happy, but he needed them. Maybe one day he wouldn’t, but right now, he did and that wasn’t such a terrible thing.

“These things are so stupid.” Alec said as he moved his casted arms as much as was possible, which wasn’t far.

“They’re fine.” Magnus dismissed, kissing Alec’s shoulders. “I’ve got the rest of your body, so I’m fine too.”

“We should do this more often.” Alec said.

“Definitely.” Magnus mumbled against Alec’s skin. “Whilst soaking here and doing nothing _is_ absolutely wonderful, we do need to get you cleaned because it’s been a while.”

Alec agreed and sat with Magnus following him up. Lovingly and with massaging hands, Magnus washed Alec’s body. When rubbing Alec’s thighs, he paid particular attention to deeply applying his fingers to the muscle. It wasn’t exactly necessary but his body welcomed it all the same.

When he started massaging his head, Alec’s hairs rose across his body despite being in such warm conditions. With Magnus and his ever loving touch, Alec felt safe in his hands and the way he ran them along his body. When he let the water fall over him, his hands would follow the trail slowly, both to get him clean and to touch the body that had almost been taken away from him.

“I’m so sorry Magnus.” Alec said when Magnus was massaging his back. No body lotion or anything of that ilk, he was simply kneading his muscles.

“What for my love?” Magnus’ deep voice was soothing and quiet.

“For almost leaving you the way I did.” Alec clarified. “I want you know I’m truly sorry, even off the drugs.”

“I don’t want you to apologise for it anymore Alec. All I want you to do is get better. Nothing else.”

“I’ll try.”

“And that’s all I can ask of you.” Magnus then asked, “Do you want to get out yet or do you want to soak for a little longer?”

“Will you stay with me, for a bit?” Alec asked. If he was honest, he would never ever be sure of what other people would want to do, even if he was all good mentally. He would always question because he needed the reassurance.

“Of course I can.” Magnus answered, kissing Alec’s neck again.

Gently pulling Alec back so he leaned against his chest, Magnus wrapped his arms around him. The water was losing its heat but with Magnus as close as he was, he could barely feel it. Alec could have led there forever in Magnus’ arms. For a moment, he couldn’t believe he was going to give everything up because of Sebastian, he knew what had happened was horrific, but Magnus could make him forget it all.

He knew now he would never try anything like that again, not for any reason whatsoever. Now, he was going to get better both for himself and for Magnus. He owed it to both of them to get healthier after everything had happened.

They sat there for a good while longer, their bodies pruning under the water. Alec had to be dried down by Magnus as well, but he was being gentle, slowly massaging the towel across his body. If Alec hadn’t just come back from the hospital after a suicide attempt, he would have been aroused. He would have wanted Magnus to kiss his body and run his hands over him and then make love to him too.

Instead, he got dressed into his pyjama bottoms and lounged around on the sofa, too chilled to care that he didn’t like lounging around if he could help it. With Magnus also wearing his pyjamas, Alec didn’t feel guilty about doing the same thing. The two of them simply cuddled up together and sat there for hours and hours, only getting up to get a bite of food or something to drink. It was where Alec was most comfortable: with Magnus and without anything to pressure him.

“Were you ever on happy pills?” Alec asked when Magnus had come back after getting two cups of coffee.

“Mhm.” Magnus answered. “For a couple of years.”

“Did you still feel the same after you got off them?”

“I did, yes. They weaned me off by giving me placebo tablets mixed in with the real deal and, eventually, I was only taking placebo tablets, so I didn’t have to take them anymore. Then I was fine, I got better because my mind got better.”

Alec could understand that. It was all in the mind really, most of overcoming something that could be overcome came with knowing you were all right. Once upon a time, knowing you had to be okay so you _could_ be okay was never even a thought in his head, now it was and it was one of his biggest obstacles.

“You’ve never told me something.” Alec began musing after a short make out session. “The empty room next to yours, what’s that all about?”

Magnus shrugged. “Nothing in particular. When the estate agent was selling me this place, he said, if you don’t have major plans for a room, sometimes it’s nice to leave it as a blank canvas. That way, if something comes up later you don’t need to move everything around. And, he said I could always leave it blank if I ever wanted kids, so I could decorate it from afresh, so I just sort of did.”

“ _Do_ you want kids?” Alec asked.

Alec himself was still unsure about his own stance on children. When he was a teenager, he thought having kids was just a done thing and so he would adopt when it came to it, _if_ it ever came to it. But then he thought kids were a lot of pressure and they tied you down, restricting you from doing the things you wanted to do. That had changed his mind completely.

Then Max had died and Alec was even more confused about children. He wanted to have kids because he wanted them to live their lives and, in perhaps an unfair way, he wanted to give his own children the chances Max never had. There was something about your own kids, the living and growing up part that Alec wanted to be a part of. It was as if Alec wanted to have kids to make up for Max, which wasn’t necessarily the best reason for wanting them.

But the pain of Max dying had been a strain on him, and a strain on his parents of course. And that had put him off because losing a child was not something any parent should go through. That brought on the idea you would be so worried for them constantly that you wouldn’t let them do anything. For Alec especially, knowing the dangers and the outcomes, Alec thought he’d be so overprotective, it wouldn’t be fair on his own children, therefore, leading him to think he would not want to have them at all.

It was confusing and he had no idea what was going to happen or if his mind was ever going to be made up. He would just have to wait and see and, knowing that your partner’s ideas impacted your own as well, Alec had to see what Magnus wanted. Then, perhaps, he could be persuaded one way or the other.

“I don’t know.” Magnus said. “There’s so many pros and cons, and no one I’ve ever been with has ever given me the impression that having kids with them would be a good idea. Maybe one day, it might be nice to raise a child with someone I adore more than life itself, but I’m not one of those people who feels as though my life’s purpose is to populate the Earth. You?”

“Same here I guess, but I kind of feel more fearful about it. Not like I’m scared of children, more like I’d be scared for their safety all the time.”

Magnus kissed Alec’s hair, “Well no one’s forcing you to have kids. And we’re young, there’s plenty of time for decisions like that to be made before it’s too late.”

“But we couldn’t- I mean, you and, and me, we couldn’t- We wouldn’t be able to, you know, make a kid.” Alec said, stumbling over his words though he wasn’t sure why. He knew that two people with penises could not make a child, that wasn’t something unknown to the world. Perhaps it was that Magnus was bisexual and, if he ended up with the right person, he could have a biological child, and Alec was not the right person for that.

“There’s ways to have children other than sexually.” Magnus dismissed the idea casually.

“Do you think parents who adopt love their kids the same way biological parents love their kids?” Alec asked, hoping he didn’t sound offensive in any way. He simply wanted to know if Magnus would ever leave him because he wanted biological children. It scared him for a moment because he realised he might want to be with Magnus for the rest of his life and, trying to be discreet as possible, he wanted to know if Magnus wanted the same thing. If Magnus said both sorts of parents could love the same, Alec would feel more hopeful about the future of their relationship.

“I don’t know if the love is necessarily the same because everyone loves everyone differently. Some parents seem to hate their children and abuse them, whilst there’s a smaller chance of an adoptive parent doing that because they’ve gone through so much just to have the child.” Magnus said. “Your happy pills make you divulge into deep subjects, do you know that?”

Worried he had said something stupid, Alec looked up to Magnus, but he was smiling at him with only warmth. Kissing him, Alec smiled into his lips as he felt completely and utterly content where he was. Magnus had his arms around him and was giving him the ultimate feeling of security and love and he couldn’t ask for more. Magnus was giving him his everything and Alec could feel it in their kiss. Everything was going to be okay and Alec couldn’t be surer of that right then and there.

The next day when Magnus went to counselling, he insisted Alec come with him. There was a sense he was just being precautious and Alec could understand that, but he didn’t want Magnus to feel like he had to keep an eye on him forever, that wouldn’t be fair on either of them. It did also have something to do with the fact Alec couldn’t function on his own with the bandages for mittens and he needed constant supervision because he could barely hold a fork by himself. In reality, he did need Magnus by his side until the bandages came off.

Spending the whole day either in the room with Magnus when he was on break, or reading books out in the foyer, Alec didn’t do much. If he was honest, he felt useless. Usually, Alec would not have minded doing nothing, having a day where he could do nothing productive and not feel guilty about it, but not then. That was almost definitely down to the pills he was taking every morning, every noon, and every afternoon, they were making him a more productive person mentally. It had been the first time in years he felt an urge to do something that wouldn’t waste the day.

When he told Magnus about it, he suggested he do something with Jace or tidy up because Magnus didn’t have the time to do any of that. So, over the next couple of weeks before Alec felt comfortable enough to get involved with counselling again, he cleaned the apartment and Magnus’ office. He reordered the books alphabetically, dusted, cleaned the windows, and generally straightened everything out. Back at the apartment, he did the same things too in all of the rooms, he also cleaned out the kitchen and, in a general manner, made everything better and cleaner. It did good things for his mind.

He also visited his friends when they weren’t busy or at work. One evening when Magnus was working late with Sophie, the five of them went bowling and ate at a cute restaurant. On another day, he bumped into Jem on his way to a café and ended up spending the day with him, chatting idly and getting to know him better. Another time, he and his sister spent the day packing up her apartment because she and Simon were making a big move to live in a house together. Things like that were becoming normal for Alec and he enjoyed it.

What he didn’t enjoy so much was the side effects of the drugs. He got insomnia almost every night, twisting and turning, or getting up and having to read a book because he just couldn’t keep his eyes shut. Sometimes Magnus would get up with him, sit with him and make out with him too. It made the insomnia not so tragic, but he hated not being able to sleep. Sleep regenerated your head and the pills were doing that themselves but he had to do it naturally too and the very thing that was making him better was also making him feel exhausted. He was tired but he couldn’t sleep no matter how hard he tried. The pills were contradicting themselves.

Other side effects Alec really wished didn’t exist were the rashes and the headaches and the loss of his appetite. When he was finally starting to eat better, the pills came along and made him not want to eat anything, despite knowing he needed to eat. On top of that, his head was constantly throbbing and he couldn’t take any form of painkiller because that would mess with the pills and even cause him damage if he was unlucky. Then there was the constant itching, everywhere. Every other second, he was scratching at his skin, knowing he wasn’t supposed to but not being able to stop.

The pills were helping him to not be so numb to the world anymore, but they weren’t all that great. His pale body was covered in sore blemishes and Magnus said he looked gorgeous all the same, but his dull headache made him not in the mood for such compliments. The tiredness made him grumpy too and he knew Magnus was there for him no matter what, and he shouldn’t be moody with him for leaving his mugs out on the surface but he couldn’t help bringing it up every time they got home.

Magnus always took it in his stride, he apologised and did whatever made Alec feel better, which instantly made Alec feel worse. It was tough and there were times where Alec wanted to stop taking the pills and get over it naturally, but then he remembered they were there to help him in the long run. You had to beat the small obstacles to get to the finish line.

Before he knew it, he was sat in the counselling office again, ready for his first session after the attempt. He had his bandages off now, and the scars were immense like he knew they would be. Both were straight lines going all the way down his forearm in that pink-red, fresh colour. Raised as scars were, Alec was always playing with them, running a finger down the line idly as he thought or sat without doing anything. They didn’t bother him as much as he thought they would, they just kind of existed and he was okay with that. He also used them as an excuse for Magnus to bathe with him as much as possible, meaning they definitely had their perks.

Magnus had just asked him how he felt about hospitals after his attempt and Alec had gone into a detailed explanation about how, once he feared them, now he knew they were good. He had come to learn they had their uses, and the people in them who did all the work were like angels and deserved so much good in their lives. Before, Alec thought they were things from Edom and that they just wanted to drug you up so you could pay them and leave, but now he knew they wanted to help.

But going into this deep explanation triggered something in Alec’s thoughts that he suddenly couldn’t get around no matter how hard he tried. So, in a lull, he said, “I barely know anything about you.”

Being alarmed by this statement, Magnus looked up. “What do you mean?”

“You know pretty much all there is to know about me, every detail of my life. I didn’t even know ‘Magnus Bane’ wasn’t your real name until you said that to Simon last year.” Alec clarified. “I love you and everything that you are, but I barely know _anything_ that you are.”

Considering this for a moment, Magnus said, “What would you like to know?”

“Something. Anything.” Alec offered. He knew some stuff about Magnus, the fact he’d committed suicide was a big thing to know but it was the smaller things that were sometimes more important. If you knew the little details about someone’s life, you knew them more intimately, in a way a lot of people didn’t. Alec wanted to know Magnus like that.

“Okay.” Magnus said as if he expected this to be coming, like he already knew what he was going to say. “I was born in Indonesia. My mother and biological father were Indonesian and they grew up together in the same town and they were relatively close friends. They were never romantic with each other, they were close because there wasn’t a lot of people there to be close with and you made friends with whoever you could.

Anyway, my step-father came over with his college group, to study the Indonesian land or something like that, and he and my mother fell in love instantaneously. They engaged romantically and married quickly. Mainly because my mother wanted to be rid of where she grew up and go to Brooklyn where my step-father is from, but also because she loved him.

There was some issue with the passports and my step-father was allowed to go back, but my mother couldn’t until they sorted it out. She was distraught and my biological father comforted her and, purposefully because she was escaping and he couldn’t, he got her drunk enough to take advantage of her. Not in a rape sense, but in a sense that she could act on the feelings she had hidden from him. And also the fact she was feeling abandoned, he took advantage of that too. Basically, he’s very good at manipulating people. So they had sex and, hey presto, I was conceived.

Eventually, my step-father came back to Indonesia and my mother told him exactly what happened; that she had sex with her dearest friend because she was scared. For a while, he accepted that for what it was, and they stayed in Indonesia for about four years after I was born, my mother thinking she could never escape her home life, so why bother?

Then everything with the passports was finally sorted out and she took me away to Brooklyn to start a proper life with her husband and her child. I was loved for, well, only for a bit, when I was young and innocent. I knew Indonesian and I learnt English quickly too and I had no idea whatsoever I wasn’t being raised by my biological father, and I should have never found out. They were going to raise me as theirs and that would have been fine because they were going to have kids of their own as well.

But it turned out my step-father and my mother were not compatible in terms of offspring. After that, they both grew to hate me because I represented what they could never have with each other but with other people. Their love meant nothing in terms of children and I was that thing that would become a constant reminder of what my mother had done with someone else more successfully than what she could do with the man she loved.

So, after I was about six or maybe seven, I grew up without love. They didn’t see me off to school, they didn’t make me lunch, they didn’t read to me or let me draw even. They didn’t treat me like I was a child that deserved love, they treated me like I was this thing that was the cause of their unhappiness when I wasn’t, not entirely at least. You know, it wasn’t as if it was my fault they couldn’t have children together.

To be honest, I could deal with their lack of interest in me. I didn’t mind them not coming to my parents’ evenings and not caring about a curfew, that didn’t impact me. Sure, I wasn’t getting love, but I wasn’t getting the worst kind of abuse either. But then my biological father turned up at their door, claiming he had rights to me because I was his kid. Things got worse after that.

I had to be shared between two homes for reasons other than love. My mother and step-father kept me purely because they felt the need to, not because they wanted to. My biological father kept me to taunt my mother and her husband, to flaunt in their faces that I was not theirs and that he could do as he wished because of my existence. I was a nuisance to one household and a plaything to the other.

That’s basically where all of my issues stem from. I would be a servant to my biological father, he would tell me, because he created me, he could do as he pleased and I had to follow orders because that’s what children do. I made his food, I cleaned the house, I bought groceries because that’s what I thought I had to do. At the other house, I was barely even acknowledged.

Then, one day, my mother couldn’t take it anymore and she hung herself. I had just come back from school and I found her with a rope around her neck, hanging from the ceiling. Even though she never loved me, she loved me more than either of my fathers did. She showed slightly more compassion, and then she was gone from my life. Both my fathers blamed me, the both of them claiming they loved her and that she didn’t deserve that end to her life.

My step-father started hitting me then. I went to school with black eyes, bruised ribs, and sprained wrists from being thrown down the stairs. I was still growing up you see, before and for some time during puberty, I was the lanky, incredibly skinny kid and I had no means of protecting myself from such a brute. So I took it, day in and day out, I let him beat me till I could barely stand.

My biological father got worse in his ways too. He never hit me but he did threaten me. He’s a towering man, he’ll make you cower in fear if he wants you to and, growing up, I spent most of my time crying in my room knowing I was his spawn. I mean, I’ve never been like him or even my step-father, but the thought that these were the two men raising me, that was enough to make anyone cry.

If I ever disobeyed my biological father, he would lock me in my room without food or a phone or any means of anything. I couldn’t contact people when I was in there. Other times, he would switch off the electricity purely to spite me. That’s the kind of man he was. The longest I went without food and electricity was probably around three days. I was lanky because I barely ate basically.

And I was stuck with them for years. There you have it, that’s why I was fucked up in the head for so long.” Magnus finished with what looked like a sigh of relief and a short smile. “And, by the by, my step-father gave me my real name, Bane is my real last name, my first name is not Magnus and that’s why I changed it. No one except for my two fathers know it to this day. Even to you Alec, the dearest person in my life, I don’t think I could bring myself to utter my name because it makes me hate myself. Whenever I say it or hear it, it reminds me of their voices and the way they said it. I can’t bring myself to say it again.”

This was not anything like Alec had been expecting. He had expected something light, like a gentle tale about his first pet or something like that. Being told something to this level of privacy and extent was shocking. It made him feel guilty for pressuring Magnus to tell him that but, then again, Magnus had offered to tell him that instead of what his first pet was like, and that meant he _wanted_ to tell Alec. Maybe he had kept it inside so long, telling Alec was a relief. Alec was simply glad Magnus had confidence in him.

“But what about getting back on the horse?” Alec asked in reference to his real name.

“It sounds hypocritical, I know,” Magnus said, “And I’ve gotten back on the horse in regards to a lot of things in my life. But my name, I feel like it’s a trigger. Sometimes you can overcome triggers, but I don’t want to test it. I hope you can forgive me. One day, I might bring myself to say it, but not yet. I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologise. I understand, I love you all the same.” Alec said and he gave his widest smile. “Thank you for telling me that.”

Magnus nodded at him and wrote something down. When Alec eventually finished with his counselling, he knew for sure he wanted to read the notes Magnus had written about him. Despite being told almost everything Magnus noted about him anyway, he still wanted to know exactly what he wrote. His curiosity was piqued and there was only one way to satisfy it. When it came to it, he would ask for the notes and read them, knowing he had come a long way since then and, hopefully, he would take a comfort in that.

Spring was soon in the air, the trees were gaining their leaves and blooming in amaranth and malachite and coquelicot. Once upon a time, Alec would have despised this new start to life, the way everything was beginning again, but now found a metaphor for depression within it that gave him a comforting thought; even though everything died during the winter, beyond hope of there being life afterwards, everything started again: _life_ began again, it overcame the struggled every single time. Life found a way to come back each year and Alec liked to think that that was going to be the same for him.

A couple of weeks after his counselling session, he had been persuaded to start afresh with something he never wanted to do again; talk to his parents. Somehow, Magnus had managed to persuade him this was something he should do and that it might give him some closure. It had been difficult, he almost had an argument with Magnus over it but he had managed to keep his calm and not yell about how it would be stupid and painful to see them.

After persuading Izzy and Jace to do it too, Alec and the rest of them discussed the best method to encounter them again. They had gotten divorced, so he couldn’t turn up at their house and be invited in because they didn’t live in the same house anymore. But this was more of an issue than it seemed at first, Alec didn’t want to have to go through two different meet ups, he wanted it over and done with.

So, Isabelle suggested they have a big family dinner at her house. This was hurriedly disagreed upon as she was the worst cook most would ever encounter, but, as long as someone else cooked, it would be fine. This then invited Simon into the mix as it would be at his house and then Magnus as well as he was a brilliant cook, and so they invited Clary along too. Then, it was getting Maryse and Robert to turn up. Alec, still not feeling up to talking to them, made Izzy do it, which she did with only some begrudging.

Isabelle’s house was a three story one on a corner near the waterfront, only affordable to the two of them because of some sort of deal Simon got because of his mother’s mental state. It was in the fancier side of the city, as far away from where Alec used to live as it could get, both physically, and in terms of wellbeing and status. Their furniture was classy, quite reminiscent of the Lightwood’s family home, with some specific differences. Izzy didn’t love the way they had lived at home but their parents had been wealthy, so she replicated the furniture with ease.

Before Alec had decided to forget who his parents were, he knew they were the uptight type. They always arrived at least ten minutes before the stated time, and they were never, ever tardy. To be tardy would mean they would not turn up at all. Embarrassment for not being on time was not something they would ever face.

That was before the death of their youngest child, before they had disowned Alec, and before their divorce. Times changed people. Despite Izzy telling them the meal would start at half past twelve, meaning everyone should get there for twelve, Robert and Maryse were not there for twelve. They were not there for half past. They were not there for one o’clock either.

They waited to start the meal, each of the Lightwood children feeling the need to apologise to their significant other despite there being no need for them to do so. It was not their fault their parents were being rude. Parents embarrassed you, that’s just what they did.

Half past one came, and Isabelle declared they should get on with it, that she didn’t think they were coming. But then there was a knock on the door. Frantic knocking, and then frantic ringing of the bell. If the situation wasn’t tense before, it certainly became so. Slowly, Isabelle went to the door, took a deep breath, and opened it to reveal a bickering Maryse and Robert.

A few awkward seconds passed before they even realised the door was open, then they saw Isabelle and started to smile. There was a slight sincerity in it, but there was also a panic in that look, as if they, for some obscure reason, felt guilty for being an hour and a half late.

Seeing their faces for the first time in almost a year, Alec’s heart stopped. Their familiar faces were not something Alec felt comfort seeing. A wave of all the times they had hurt him washed over his entirety and he wondered if he had made a great mistake in seeing them again. With his breathing halting and his chest frozen in its spot, he thought he might suffocate himself right then and there.

But Magnus, oh wonderful Magnus, took his hand and squeezed it reassuringly. Alec looked into his calm eyes, and he breathed again, it was shaky, arrhythmic too, but he managed. Magnus, his rock was right there where he needed him to be, that’s what would get him through the day; love. The love from his boyfriend, the love from his siblings, and the love from his friends.

When his parents saw Alec, their whole demeanour softened. It was as though they had been tensing up their entire lives for this moment, and now it was here and they weren’t ready. After what they had done to their son, of course they couldn’t be ready. Disowning him for his sexuality, that was not something parents did. Alec couldn’t maintain eye contact for long.

Alongside Magnus, he stood. Maryse and Robert stepped inside and removed their shoes, as Izzy and Simon had a strict policy on that. Then those awkward moments of silence filled the room and Alec was not going to be the one to break it. Sure, he wanted to take the high road but he wanted them to be guilty, he wanted them to feel horrible about making Alec feel the way he did about who he was. It was not something Alec thought he would ever want, but he did. His parents had made him hate himself even more than he already did, Alec needed them to know that.

“Hello son.” Robert said, trying to keep eye contact with Alec but feeling the guilt too heavily.

Robert held his hand out and Alec got the feeling it wasn’t a handshake meant only for greeting, but one where he was asking for forgiveness. He wanted Alec to know he felt terrible, that he regretted his decision. For a moment, Alec was going to take his hand and shake it like they were on good terms but then he knew that would be wrong. He needed to hear the apology. The words were just as, if not more important than the gesture right now.

“This is my boyfriend, Magnus.” Alec said.

He saw Robert tense at the word ‘boyfriend’, and Alec dared him to say something. It was a hint to provoke him, to see if he was actually sorry or if he merely wanted his guilt to go away. The truth would come out and Alec needed that, he needed to feel the acceptance of his parents before he could forgive them for what they did. So if Robert would shake Magnus’ hand and not be a dick about it, Alec would be sure to find himself on the road to recovery with his father.

Pulling his lips into a civil smile, Robert said, “Hello Magnus,” And he kept his hand up for Magnus to shake, “I’m Robert, Alec’s father.”

Magnus, being more civil than Alec could be, took Robert’s hand. “Nice to meet you.” The word ‘nice’ did not seem to fit, but Magnus had a way with his words that made them seemed believable to all in the room except for Alec. “And you must be Maryse.” Magnus directed towards her.

She too held out her hand and Magnus shook it.

“I am so sorry I’m late.” Maryse began, smiling more at her son than anyone else. “There was traffic, and I couldn’t find the place, and… Oh, I don’t know, I’m just sorry.”

“The same here.” Robert said.

“I thought you two were never late.” Alec said, his voice harsher than he would have liked it to be.

The guilt was plain on their faces.

Maryse was the first to speak. “I felt bad and I didn’t think I could face seeing you again Alexander, after everything. I’m a terrible mother, and I, well, I don’t deserve your forgiveness my son, but I’m asking for it.”

Instead of saying anything, Alec looked to his father. He hadn’t expected this topic to be breached so suddenly, but it was better to get it out of the way. He knew everyone else must be feeling pretty tense too, having to watch this family reunion from Edom, but Alec knew he deserved the apologies. If it was coming, it was going to be done properly.

“You know I’m sorry too.” Robert said and he paused as if he expected Alec to say he did know it. No reply came. “I should not have done what I did. I want you know I have changed son, and that a day does not go by where I don’t regret what I did.”

“Okay.” Alec said. It was not complete forgiveness yet, but it would be. The road to recovery was long and difficult.

Because the parents were late, they didn’t get to eat their meal for another hour. That left lots of awkward conversations and silence fillers where they all wished desperately for time to go by quickly. That very wishing made time feel like it was going slower, and, if Alec was honest, he had never felt as tense in a situation that should have sort of been normal.

Thankfully, when the meal was ready, everyone was too focused on filling their mouths to make conversation. Throughout their eating, it was obvious both Maryse and Robert were trying to reconnect with their son, and daughter too. They were asking about little things in their lives, where they were in terms of career and the like. Alec answered truthfully, saying he had no career and he didn’t know what to do either, but he appreciated the fact his parents were asking. They were interested, or trying to be, and Alec had not felt that from them before.

As Alec’s pills required him to take them three times a day, he had to take some during the meal, and Robert, not necessarily intending to be rude, asked him what they were for. Since Alec had become more confident in himself and who he was, he said they were for his depression. It was odd, the faces Maryse and Robert pulled, as if they didn’t know he was as depressed as he was. Surely they had presumed he was not feeling his best, and yet they seemed utterly confused by Alec’s statement.

And it was then, and only then Robert saw the scars across Alec’s arms. He was wearing a long sleeved shirt but he had the sleeves rolled up because Izzy’s house was quite warm. So, that being the fact, his scars had been on show since his parents arrived and their lack of skills in observation had made them miss that completely.

“I tried to kill myself.” Alec informed his parents and he could see them get more uncomfortable.

“Why?” Maryse asked softly.

“Because I couldn’t stand my feelings any longer and I didn’t want to wait around and do nothing about it.” Alec explained, eating some salad casually.

“Why didn’t you tell us?” Robert asked, more hurt than demanding.

Alec could feel his blood begin to boil. “Why didn’t I tell you?” His voice was harsh suddenly, there was so much he wanted to restrict himself from saying, and yet he could feel the words tumbling off his tongue without hope of stopping them. “Why on _Earth_ would I tell you? You kicked me out of the house when I was a teenager, you threw me out onto the streets, knowing I didn’t have a place to go to, you didn’t look after me like my parents _should_. I told you who I was, trying to stop our family from imploding at the dinner table in front of Max, and the next day, I was told to leave. Then, for a couple of years, I heard nothing from either of you, and I was riddled with guilt because of who I was as person. Then we meet up again because my little brother died, and neither of you decide to apologise to me, despite knowing I was living with nothing to my name, and then we were apart again. Neither of you tried to reach out to me. I had to find out from Isabelle you two had divorced. You weren’t parents to me after you kicked me out, you were barely parents when I was in the house. So I didn’t tell you, dad, because you disowned me and you have no right to know what is going on in my life.”

The silence that followed hung heavy upon them all. Each of them were letting everything Alec had said sink in, thinking it over, even the parents that were the cause of it all.

“Sorry Izzy,” Alec said, “I didn’t mean to explode like that.”  He felt guilty about everyone else having to hear it, not about his parents having to hear the hard truth.

“We were very wrong.” Robert said, much to Alec’s shock. “And I know nothing we do now is ever going to make up for that, but I want you to know Alec, we’re trying. Back then, I was a different man, I was raised on different morals-“

“That’s an explanation, not an excuse.” Alec said. Somehow, everyone else had faded from the room, it was only Robert, Maryse, and him.

“I know. I know.” Robert ran a hand through his hair with a sigh. “Please know, son, back then, I thought I was helping you. I, for some stupid reason, thought you were saying that you were, uh, that you were… Gay to spite us for being terrible parents and I know now that that was completely wrong of me, it was a horrible thing think. I should have- _we_ should have gotten in contact with you again. We didn’t, and I will never forgive myself. And so I understand if _you_ never forgive me either.”

“I’m not like you dad,” Alec began, “I can forgive people, even after something like this.”

“And, despite my excuse being nothing but an excuse, I was scared.” Maryse said quietly. “This world, it’s so… I don’t know, not ready to accept everyone and who they are. I was worried for you, I thought things were going to get so tough and, in the worst manner possible, I distanced myself because I couldn’t watch you get hurt. It’s wrong, I’m your mother and I should always be there for you, and I will now. If you want me there.”

Alec nodded slowly and said, “I just need some time.”

Robert and Maryse seemed to accept this for what is was; a possibility they could be forgiven. It was something, probably not what they were necessarily expecting at all, so they would take it. Reconciliation was clearly something they wanted, knowing they had truly messed up their parenting, but Alec wasn’t going to give it over easily. They had been the first cause to Alec’s mental state spiralling out of control, so Alec was not going to forgive them instantaneously.

Sure, Alec did not hold grudges, but relationships with one’s parents were different. If they messed you up, you deserved to be against them for a little while. That was the way it was, and Alec thoroughly deserved to be against them. Being disowned was a good enough reason to hold a grudge as well, if people were being honest.

The rest of the meal went by smoother, Isabelle bringing out a cake for desert. For a second, Maryse thought her cooking had improved tenfold since she was a kid, but then she admitted it was Magnus who had baked the cake and that she would continue to be a terrible cook for the rest of her life. Everyone laughed then, and Alec thought, maybe, his family would get better again. He thought there was now a chance he could have a normal, functioning family. Well, what family was functional really? Perhaps, more realistically, he could have a family that would actually be together for once since he got kicked out of the house. That would be nice.

When the parents left, they parted with handshakes and not hugs, promising to talk to Alec if and when he was ready to talk to them. And so, because Alec was a good person and he didn’t want to lose all contact with the people who brought him into the world, Alec said he would talk to them soon. This sent them both off, in their separate ways, happier and not feeling so guilty for ruining their son’s emotional state.

Slumping back into one of the sofas, Alec’s muscles relaxed, not knowing he had even been tensing them. Magnus sat next to him, putting his arm around him, and kissed his forehead.

“I’m proud of you.” Magnus said, as the others sat done around them.

“Why? I didn’t hold my cool.” Alec said.

“You said what you’ve been milling over for the latter part of your life, there’s nothing wrong with that.” Magnus responded.

Alec took Magnus’ other hand and let out a deep breath. He did feel better, there was no doubting that. A lot things had lifted from his chest, he was freer and his mind clearer. With this relationship on the way to being fixed, Alec could relax further. Relaxation was important in the healing process.

After spending the entire day at the Lightwood-Lewis residence, watching films and binge eating food that was not healthy whatsoever, Magnus and Alec went home again. He could say he enjoyed his day, despite exploding at his father. He had spent the day with friends and family, reconnected with his parents, and overall, made his head lessen with its doubts. And he did love spending time with his friends now he knew he still had friends to spend time with.

They had a short coffee fix when they got back to their apartment, the two of them being caffeine addicts who were not prepared to admit that that was even a thing, and then they sat on the bed. Neither of them were quiet ready to sleep but neither had the energy to do much talking either. So the two of them merely sat there together, Alec resting his head on Magnus’ shoulder, enjoying each other’s company.

“I still feel so tense.” Alec said, trying to move his shoulders but aching too much to move very far at all.

“Do you want a massage?”

Alec sat up and looked at him. “Seriously?”

Nodding, Magnus said, “I have good hands, I give fantastic massages.”

“I’ve never had a massage before.” Alec confessed.

“I’ll make your first time wonderful.” Magnus smiled. “If you want one, that is. Also, side note, the right massage by the right person always leads to sex, that is a fact. So…” Magnus winked at Alec.

Alec laughed and then agreed, slightly anxiously for he didn’t know exactly what that entailed. Also, if Magnus was correct, it would be the first time he had had sex since the incident with Sebastian. He thought, leading up to this time, he would be more nervous, and yet he wasn’t. Perhaps this was Magnus’ effect on him; making him calmer and more chilled about everything. The mere mention of sex did not make him nervous, it made him happy.

When Magnus got up to get some oils or something, Alec wondered if, secretly, Magnus had another career as a masseur. Magnus assured him this was not the case, but Alec knew how good Magnus was with his hands, so he didn’t trust him completely on that.

Informing him to strip, Alec asked if he wanted him completely bare and Magnus said yes, if he was comfortable enough. Alec was, of course, after everything they had been through together. To make Alec more comfortable too, Magnus stripped to his ~~tight~~ boxers as well, which Alec could only be glad for. He relished in every opportunity where he could get Magnus naked.

Then he led face down and waited for Magnus to do his work, and boy did he do just that. He coated his hands in oils of some kind, straddling Alec’s thighs, and worked his way deep into Alec’s shoulders. With thoroughly soaked hands, he massaged his tired and tense muscles, relieving them with every touch.

Alec’s whole body was tingling, each hair standing up as Magnus worked his way down his body, his hands rubbing deeply at every bit of his skin. Every now and again, little moans escaped his throat and Magnus’ hands, although working hard, were loving and they caressed Alec in ways he had never been touched before.

When Magnus made his way further down Alec’s body, working at his lower back and hips, Alec could understand why good massages ended with what he had been told were ‘happy endings’. There was no way this sort of act was going to end in anything other than sex because it was too sensual to simply walk away after such an encounter. Alec also didn’t understand how people went to get massages by strangers because this was an intimate act, but perhaps that was just because it was Magnus who was touching him the way he was.

There was definitely blood rushing down Alec’s body, beginning to fill his cock. Each one of Magnus’ fingers was deep into Alec’s skin and he couldn’t help his arousal growing. His senses were on fire, everything was making his nerves buzz and he had to bite the pillow to prevent himself from moaning. 

Then he started kneading Alec’s ass and Alec couldn’t help but rotate his hips into the bed below to relieve the pressure building inside his cock. Usually, Alec would not like to be so revealed, outside of a bedsheet or a bath or in daylight with so much attention being paid to his body, but Magnus had taught him to love himself. He taught him that he did have a good body and he deserved to feel good in his own skin. Touching him the way he was, Alec felt good, not embarrassed.

Being naked, it wasn’t a bad thing anymore. Alec was comfortable in his own skin, he wanted to be touched and loved the way Magnus was doing right then. Magnus was there to show him that everyone deserved to feel good, sexy even in who they were and Alec, whilst he might not feel like the sexiest person in the world, he definitely felt good, and Magnus was a big part of that. Especially when his hands were working so deeply at Alec’s ass.

At certain intervals, he would press his oiled fingers and thumbs into Alec’s hole, making his throat release a deep moan. Alec could feel his cock twitching, desperate for some form of contact. He could feel his body craving a deeper sort of touch from Magnus.

After he massaged Alec’s thighs too, Magnus got a condom out of the bedside table and ripped it open. Alec could feel him manoeuvre around above him, too relaxed to look over his shoulder to watch him. A few moments passed, Alec finally releasing the pillow from between his teeth, and Magnus pressed the head of cock into Alec’s opening.

He hissed, not expecting Magnus inside him so suddenly, but then he eased into it Magnus cock throbbing the second he entered Alec. Magnus told him he’d go slowly since it had been a few weeks since Alec had had sex, and Alec was relieved.

Alec arched himself up so Magnus could thrust into him deeper the way Alec wanted. His slow and long thrusts were enough to make Alec quiver, pulsing around Magnus’ swollen cock but he would prolong this for as long as he could, he had been without Magnus for too long. He needed this to last so he could feel Magnus once again.

With one hand, Magnus held Alec’s shoulder to keep him steady and to ensure they did not go too fast too soon. Each time Magnus got deeper, he almost reached Alec’s wonderfully sweet spot, but he was avoiding it, making this both amazing and frustrating love making. It would make him last longer, that was certain, but it also made Alec want to push himself completely onto Magnus’ length.

Slowly, a rhythm was found to Magnus’ hips, deep enough to press on Alec’s prostate every now and again to make him moan and whimper. Alec bit onto his own shoulder to stop himself doing it so much, despite knowing Magnus loved the noises he made. It wasn’t that he didn’t like moaning, he just knew that the way Magnus was thrusting would make him moan each time and that would get boring. So he had to restrict himself and that appeared to make Magnus go faster.

Magnus brought both his hands down to Alec’s hips as his thrusting sped up. When Alec went to touch himself, Magnus told him to wait, saying he wanted this to last. Alec did protest but Magnus knew what he was doing, so he didn’t touch himself for as long as he could.

There was sweat beginning to run across their bodies, the sensation building at the base of Alec’s cock and tightening in his stomach. It was difficult to restrict himself from stroking his own length. Magnus was deep, and Alec had missed the feeling entirely. His hips were rotating desperately back onto Magnus. He couldn’t help himself, he was desperate to relieve the pressure in his cock.

So he started to rub himself, timing himself with Magnus’ thrusts, the pressure merely growing in the most fantastic way. He let his moans flow freely now, not caring what sort of noises he made, just as long as he got to have Magnus throbbing inside him, massaging his spot in a consistent rhythm.

The thrusting became erratic as they could feel the climax near. Magnus hunched over, closer to Alec’s body, and gripped him harder as he got closer and closer to coming. With Magnus pressing his lips desperately over Alec's skin, Alec couldn't help throw his head back and moan. Alec started stroking himself faster, desperate to orgasm. With every thrust pushing him closer than the last, Alec could feel his stomach tighten further, ready to come.

Magnus was biting his shoulders, sucking at the skin as he fucked him hard and quick, quite the opposite to the massage before. It was rougher than Alec was expecting considering it was his first time in weeks, but he wasn’t complaining. Magnus was deep inside him, marking his territory in the way Alec loved.

Skin was slapping skin and Alec's stomach was tighter than it had ever been before. Magnus had buried his head into Alec's neck, his breathing hot and heavy against Alec sending shivers down his spine. Alec's cock was throbbing furiously, his had smothered in precum.

He wanted to climax and he was so close. Everything inside was pressing him to release, to come hard and, with Magnus on top of him, licking and biting at his skin, it was hard to resist. His cock was achingly hard and his body was working desperately to make him last but it felt too good and he couldn’t wait any longer.

Before he could stop himself, Alec came in hot, fast spurts. The moan that escaped his throat was loud and explicit as he continued to pump himself to get the full extent of the orgasm. A mere few seconds later and Magnus was coming too, noisily at that.

* * *

Collapsing onto the bed beside Alec, Magnus wrapped an arm around him and pulled him into his chest, their breathing fast and heavy. Now Magnus had had some fantastic sex indeed but coming from such a sensual massage, this had to be in his top three at least.

“By the Angel.” Alec blasphemed in admiration.

Magnus chuckled lightly, his breathing calming as he kissed Alec’s hair.

“How many times have you done that?” Alec asked, impressed by Magnus’ work.

“Enough.” Magnus answered.

 “A lot, I presume then.”

“I should hope you’re not getting jealous,” Magnus said and Alec looked up at him, “Because I have never loved any of them like you.”

“But there’s a lot of ‘them’?” There was a hint of vulnerability in his tone.

Magnus nodded slowly.

“How many?”

“Do you want a comprehensive list?” Magnus with a smile, trying to joke around.

“Yeah.” Alec responded, all serious. There wasn’t necessarily a jealousy there, just an insane amount of curiosity.

Magnus had to think back then, intending to answer Alec in as much detail as he possibly could. “Well, there hasn’t been a lot of relationships as such, just a lot of sex. My first time was with a girl I fell deeply in love with, her name was Etta. She was wonderful and very, very sweet and she made me feel really good. But she broke up with me because I fell into some drug problems-“

“Drug problems?” Alec asked.

“Mhm, I started on weed which is a gateway drug, maybe, I don’t know. It’s not that bad really, I mean, if they prescribe it medically, how could it be that bad? Anyway, then it was LSD, some ecstasy as well. I did not go to the kind of parties I should have gone to because I took heroin too. Not enough to get hooked, but I did definitely try it out. If I’m honest, despite heroin being a harder drug, weed gives you a much better time. Anyway, I’m most certainly not encouraging you to take drugs.” Magnus explained. “So yeah, she broke up with me because she loved me too much to see me get hooked and end up dying. Which is fair, I think.

After that, I had a lot of sex with a lot of people who I can’t remember, which is bad, I know. However, I was on drugs, and I was depressed, so I don’t think I can be blamed entirely for that. That was my life for a long time: meaningless sex whilst I was fucked up in the head beyond belief.

Then, as I grew up, instead of mere meaningless sex, I leaned towards destructive and abusive relationships, except for this one guy. I had about three relationships that messed me up even more than I was before, and that is saying something.

The first was this guy named Imasu, he was into doing the rough things in sex, which is fine, I’m down for that, but we didn’t have a safe word and I didn’t know how to make him stop. So that was pretty fucked up. I only got out of it because he lost interest in me because I stopped taking heroin.

The second, by the Angel, he was an ass by all extremes. He would say these things to make me feel worthless and then pretend he was the only one who could make me feel better. Being a very materialistic man, he would buy me lots of gifts, praise me, and then dig in these little titbits about how I was absolutely worthless and I didn’t deserve love from anyone other than him. I accepted that for what it was, and carried on with my life, my depression spiralling more and more out of control. I got out of that one because of Cat telling me I did deserve love and I kind of twigged and was like, ‘oh yeah, that makes sense’.

Then there was the bitch of all bitches. A French demon from another level of Edom. Her name was Camille and she was the most manipulative person I have met to date. She sort of bewitched me into thinking she was a Goddess amongst us mere mortals, and that no one could compare to her. I practically worshipped her and expected nothing in return. And she was so good at it, I didn’t even know it was happening, I just thought I was in love with her.

We were together for a long time. It was good, the sex I mean, wow. That was probably the only reason I may have stayed after I realised what a bitch she was. I do love _our_ sex more of course, my love, but she was definitely great in the bedroom. That was the only good thing about her in reality.

The most emotional abuse I’ve ever got was from her, and my fathers as well. To be honest, even now I don’t know what she did or how she did it. She was just _horrible_ , one of the worst people I’ve ever met. She cheated on me too, openly confessing but still, somehow, making me stay with her no matter what she did. I was in love and she was a bitch.

That one, I got out of because of the one relationship that wasn’t fucked up in my life. Well, not so much a relationship, a deep friendship where we had a lot of sex. His name was Woolsey and I met him at this bar on my birthday, Cat and the others forcing me to celebrate. Camille was not there because well, she didn’t celebrate important things in my life, and Woolsey had been making eyes at me all night which was very comforting because he was gorgeous.

Woolsey was good at sex too. It may sound bad, but it was a taste of Camille’s own medicine, being with Woolsey the same time I was with her. However, my morals were as messed as my head at that point so I didn’t care.  I didn’t know what I was doing either, so there’s that excuse as well.

When she caught us, she tried screaming at me, telling me my worth dropped to below rock bottom and that I did not deserve love whatsoever for being so messed up. Woolsey stood up to her for me, I was dazed and confused about everything, and then Woolsey said it was over between me and her, which is odd, I admit, but I couldn’t have done it myself.

For some time then, I thought Woolsey was going to expect the two of us to get into a relationship and I felt obliged to him for what he had done for me. We had a big conversation and he told me, basically, he didn’t think I was ready for a relationship. He didn’t mean it like he wanted to control me, he simply wanted us to spend some time together, where we just had sex, and not feel any obligations.

So yeah, my sex life, whilst wild and vigorous, has not been the most positive. I’m sure you’ll agree, my love.” Magnus kissed Alec’s forehead again. “And there is absolutely no reason to be jealous of any of them whatsoever.”

Whilst Magnus had been talking, Alec had taken to tracing patterns with his index finger on Magnus’ chest. It was slight, almost not detectable, but Magnus liked it. Magnus took his hand and pressed his lips to it, keeping hold of it once he had done so.

“What happened to Woolsey?” Alec asked.

“He moved to London for some job opportunity, I don’t know too much about it.” Magnus answered. “We text occasionally and we’re good friends still, but we don’t know the most about each other.”

Alec went quiet for a bit and Magnus felt himself start to doze off, so he pulled the covers over both of them.

“I’m sorry you went through that.” Alec said quietly into Magnus’ chest.

“There’s no need to be sorry.” Magnus shrugged off. “It’s not your fault and I’m not focused on it anymore. That part of my life is over and I’m very happy where I am now.”

That much was true. In his life, Magnus had never been in a happier place. His job was going wonderfully, he had plenty of clients he had fantastic relationships with, and he helped them all as much as he could. With each session, Magnus was becoming better at helping those who needed help and it was so satisfying.

Then there were his friends who were his family now. Jem and Catarina were such an integral part of his life as was Tessa and the others he had grown close to over the past few years. He needed his friends, as did all, to get through each day, and those particularly tough days too. They were making him a better person and he believed he made them better people as well.

And then there was Alec, his dearest Alec who he treasured above all else. Sure, he loved his friends, his work, his life, but his Alec, he was something on another level completely. Alec made his day brighter and his soul happier. Everything was good, and he loved Alec completely and with all of his being. His smile, his body, and just him in general, he was absolutely perfect. And he was Magnus’.

He had never felt so content in his entire life, and being content was totally underrated. You weren’t flying so high that you would inevitably crash, and you weren’t being dragged so low that every obstacle was another stab in the chest. Being content was one of Magnus’ favourite feelings and he had not felt it in such a long time.

With Will finally feeling like he was nearing the end of his sessions, Magnus was paying a particular amount of attention to getting Will to the place he needed to be, even meeting up with him outside of sessions. To be honest, he quite liked Will, he had a great sense of humour and, finally, he had begun to have a happy outlook on life. The time they spent together was rather enjoyable indeed.

If he was honest to himself, it was bittersweet that Will would be leaving his care. Of course he was glad he had gotten better, well enough to be without counselling, but it was also bitter because he would miss Will. They would, as Magnus always liked to do, meet up on the occasion to keep in contact, but it would not be as regularly. That made Magnus oddly sad.

When Jem had gone, and when Tessa had too, he had felt overjoyed they would be friends and not in his counselling. It made him feel relief and joy that he was going to be their friends and see them purely as friends on a semi-regular basis. But for Will, it seemed different and he couldn’t explain why.

Perhaps he should have been worried, but then again, he didn’t know why he would be worried anyway. He simply knew he would keep their last session as positive as possible and celebrate with a party with him afterwards, as he wished. Alec was fine missing out because he was going out with Jace and his sister doing some family thing. For some reason Magnus would never truly admit to, he felt a tad relieved he was going alone.

During their last session, Magnus asked Will how he felt about not coming back and Will seemed happy, his smile illuminating his face. Will said he felt good for the first time in his life and that Magnus was to thank mainly. He also said he liked this feeling of being happy and that he wanted to stay being happy for as long as he could, which he hoped would be for the rest of his life.

Then Magnus finished his session, as he always did in a final session, with wishing Will the absolute best and he hoped to never see his face in his office ever again, in the best way possible of course. They hugged and it was nice, Will was warm and a good hugger, Magnus found himself thinking. Then he stopped thinking that because that was the wrong thing to think.

As Will was his final session of the day, they went straight to the bar ‘Pandemonium’ to start drinking in celebration of Will’s happiness. One by one, Will’s friends and family started to turn up and it became a miniature party. Magnus had never seen Will interact with his family, other than the time he met up with him and Cecily, and so he was glad to see him be so positive in such an atmosphere.

And so he drank. He drank a lot, and by a lot, I mean too much. It was the tipsiest he had been for over eight years since before his party days where the parties were not classy and very druggy. But the occasion called for it right? One of his friends was celebrating being happy, he couldn’t turn down a drink, that would be inappropriate.

And he continued to drink until he was one of those people who sang his way down the street with an arm around another drunk male who was also singing, that person was Will. Both stumbled their way back to Will’s small house in one of the smaller streets in San Francisco, somehow subconsciously deciding he would sleep round the Herondale’s because he was too inebriated to find his way home. Will also lived closer. It seemed to make sense in his head.

After they struggled for fifteen minutes at the door because they forgot how keys worked, Magnus collapsed onto the sofa as Will got them some water. Somehow, he managed to remember they needed hydration in their drunken state. But the water was soon forgotten after Will collapsed next to Magnus on the sofa, despite their being many other seats to choose from.

It was only then that Magnus truly started to notice Will’s features. Sure, he was slightly blurry, but he was still beautiful. He had that wonderful blue eye, black hair combination Magnus always had a soft spot for, and his eyes were enchanting. He was also tall, and his build was something to stand in awe at. And then his smile, his gorgeous smile that was somehow always a grin with a hint of mischief in that Magnus found endearing and… well, attractive too.

Then it twigged; Magnus found Will attractive and he had always found him attractive. There was nothing wrong with that, people could find other people attractive, even when they were in relationships. No harm came from admiration. Since Will and Alec did look alike, there was even less wrong with it, surely? That was sound logic, Magnus thought. Nothing wrong whatsoever.

What was wrong, however, was how Magnus was leaning in towards Will, who was also leaning in. There was something inside his head that was telling Magnus to stop but he couldn’t for his mind was too altered. Since he had now realised he had soft spot for Will himself, his body was telling him this was the right thing to do, even though his mind was telling him the opposite.

There wasn’t any hesitation before Will pressed his own lips to Magnus. It felt wrong but Magnus had been confused for the past few weeks and he didn’t know what was going on or what he was doing. Somehow, it felt both right and wrong and Magnus didn’t know which side he should have stuck to. To carry on kissing Will was wrong but he was a good kisser, so it also felt right. The confusion in his mind only grew.

Then Will was pressing his tongue into Magnus’ mouth and he made no attempt to stop him. Without knowing what he was doing, Magnus was tracing his hands across Will’s body, settling on the buttons of his shirt and undoing them slowly. When Magnus touched Will’s skin, which was warm and smooth, Will moaned into his mouth and Magnus found he liked the sound.

Kissing his way down his jaw and neck, Magnus pressed his mouth to the base and began sucking harshly at the skin there. Will started making all sorts of noises as Magnus used his teeth and tongue to graze over the sore spot. His hands were running up and down Magnus’ thighs, causing blood to rush to his cock.

As he could feel himself getting aroused, Magnus realised how wrong everything was. He had almost forgotten about Alec, his boyfriend whom he loved more than life itself. He could not be kissing Will, giving him love bites because that was what he gave Alec. This was cheating and Magnus was not a cheater.

So as to not offend Will, Magnus pulled back gently. For a second, Will smiled, and then he collapsed against Magnus’ chest. This sobered Magnus up as he figured he now how to take care of Will who had passed out inebriated, which was dangerous and Magnus would not be responsible for his death.

Magnus stood and led Will down gently on the sofa. As this was not Magnus’ apartment, he didn’t know where any blankets were, so he hoped the alcohol would make him immune to the cold. Stumbling over to the opposing sofa, Magnus too collapsed and he struggled to sleep. Perhaps that was the guilt but it may have also been the alcohol. Both were affecting him strongly.

The next morning awoke Magnus with an horrendous headache. The room was swaying violently, making Magnus feel bilious and in the need to rush off to the toilet, if he could have moved. After he did manage to sit up, he surveyed the foreign surroundings where another person lay, asleep. He did not remember anything from the previous night.

Then the other body stirred and Magnus froze for some reason, as if panicked by this other person’s presence. As he sat up too, Magnus recognised him as Will and a strange sense of both relief and horror washed over him. He had absolutely no idea what was going on, why he was in Will’s house, or why he felt so odd about it.

When Will saw him too, his eyes half closed because of the pain he was in, he looked confused. That reassured Magnus.

“Why are _you_ here?” Will asked, his voice hoarse.

“I don’t know, but I’ll leave now.” Magnus said shrugging.

“No, don’t worry. I’ll make us some breakfast, and get us headache pills.” Will said, standing, wobbling, and then stumbling towards the kitchen as his oddly open shirt swayed about.

Magnus continued to sit, rubbing his temples to relieve any of the pain that would go. Every noise coming from the kitchen, in fact every noise coming from everywhere was echoing through his skull and making his head throb. It was uncomfortable and Magnus made a vow to never drink again because the result was the worst thing in the world.

Will walked out of the kitchen doorway then, holding an empty pot and with concern covering his face. Watching him, Magnus waited for Will to say something.

“Did I have any girls over here last night?” Will asked, wincing at every word.

“What?” Magnus was confused.

“I have a hickey and I don’t know how or why.” Will explained.

Magnus shrugged idly. He couldn’t remember anything at all, so Will probably had invited some girls around to do things with him. He was trying to enjoy life and, for him, girls were a part of that.

But then Will looked at Magnus as if he really saw him for the first time that morning. “Did _we_ do something last night?” Will asked, looking at Magnus with his brow furrowed.

“Like what?” Magnus asked, nothing coming back to him as he tried to recall any detail whatsoever. “You think I gave you a hickey?”

“I don’t know. I don’t see anyone else around here…” Will trailed off.

How could Magnus possibly do something like that to his Alec, and with Will? There was no way, none whatsoever. He wasn’t a cheater. There was no way he would have kissed Will or sucked on his neck. He didn’t even want to consider it for a second.

But he did consider it. And he realised he done exactly that.

“Shit.” Magnus cursed.

Will's jaw dropped. “Well, it doesn’t have to mean anything, right?” He was trying to save the scene. “We don’t like each other like that, and I don’t think I like guys. Or I’ve never really thought about it, and right now is the wrong time to think about it. You are good looking but, like, not in the way I’d go for. That doesn’t make sense, I’m confused. It’s fine, we don’t have to worry.”

“I have a boyfriend.” Magnus said.

“And he doesn’t have to know. It’s not a big deal, we were drunk, and we can barely even remember it.”

“I don’t think that’s a good thing.” Magnus said, his phone buzzing in his pocket as a text came through. It was Alec, of course. In fact, there had been quite a few texts from Alec, asking where he was and if he was okay. Guilt filled his entirety.

“That’s Alec, huh?” Will assumed, reading Magnus’ face.

Magnus nodded slowly, so as to not irritate his headache and unlocked his phone to text Alec back, saying: _I’ll be home soon, sorry to worry you xx,_ and then he paid his attention back to Will.

“I’ll be done soon, you should still eat before you go.” Will said, clearly feeling awkward.

“Okay.” Magnus responded, releasing a deep breath.

Their friendship had taken an odd turn, that much was obvious. Magnus didn’t know if it was something that was going to affect them for a long time or if it would be over tomorrow, but he know it had become weird for the moment. Well, it didn’t even feel weird between them, and that was weirder.

They ate breakfast, bringing up their comfortability levels up as they did. The fact they had kissed and bitten each other didn’t come up again. They went about as it never happened, or as if it wasn’t going to affect them at all, which Magnus would assure it wouldn’t. His guilt was consuming him and it almost made Magnus feel sicker than he did because of the hangover.

When Magnus left, they parted with a hug, it not feeling uncomfortable despite Will jokingly saying they should part with a kiss. Then he went home, feeling sick and not knowing what on Earth he was going to say to Alec. Perhaps he should say nothing, this would hurt Alec and Magnus never wanted to hurt Alec. He felt ashamed of himself.

He spent five minutes against the door, shaking and trying to make himself not look like the guilty culprit he was. A lot of deep breaths left his lips before he managed to enter the door with a casual smile.

His dearest Alec was sat on the sofa, watching TV. He looked at Magnus when he entered and beamed at him with such a wide smile, it made Magnus want to die inside. He would not let his face show it though, he had to be calm and collected and not worry Alec whatsoever. It would worsen the situation if Alec worried.

“Hey, you okay?” Alec asked as Magnus took his shoes off and came to sit next to Alec on the sofa.

“I’m fine.” Magnus answered.

“Where were you last night?”

“I got very, very drunk.” Magnus said, and he watched Alec’s face. There was no doubt in it whatsoever, which somehow made Magnus feel worse. “I had to sleep round Will’s because he was also drunk and we couldn’t remember the way back to this apartment.”

“You’re okay though, aren’t you?” Alec asked, concern for his wellbeing, not for him cheating like he actually had.

“Totally, totally fine.” Magnus said, trying his best to smile.

Alec smiled back and leaned in to kiss him gently. Then he snuggled into Magnus’ side and they watched TV for the rest of the day, Magnus’ guilt festering for the entire time. Even when they were laughing at the jokes in the film, Magnus was only doing it to appear normal, his real feelings consuming his very being. Thankfully, Alec didn’t seem to notice, but that was because he wasn’t looking at him. If he could see his face, he would know something was up.

However, when they went to bed and Alec was in the mood to make out, he could tell something was up. Magnus kissed him a little, but told him he didn’t feel up to it. Repeatedly, Alec asked him if something was wrong and Magnus told him there wasn’t but Alec knew him and how to read his face well. So when he let it lie, Magnus could tell he was still thinking about it.

He struggled to sleep that night. Perhaps it was the hangover still affecting him, perhaps it was the shame. Most likely, it was the latter, but he wanted to pretend it hadn’t happened to make himself feel better. That wasn’t why he should have been doing it, but he never cheated. Except for on Camille, but that was different, wasn’t it?

Suddenly, Magnus didn’t know if he was doing anything right. He didn’t know if what he had done to Camille was the right thing, and he knew for sure t what he had done to Alec was wrong. Then he felt like time was repeating itself, but in a more grotesque way.

Everything was so wrong. Why could things never last? He was the one that had to tell everyone else that happiness lasted, why couldn’t it be true for him? He felt horrible all over and what could he do to remedy it? Nothing.

Telling the truth would hurt Alec and he never wanted to hurt Alec. With him doing so well with the pills and with all the good things in his life, there was no way he was going to destroy that. But then again, not telling him would hurt Alec too, for Magnus would be living a lie. Sure, there was no reason to doubt Magnus, he would never do anything like that consciously, but Alec _would_ doubt him. That’s what people did when their loved ones cheated.

Everything was conflicting inside Magnus’ head and he felt sick to his stomach every time he thought about it. The next week was absolute hell, and he was texting Will every now and again, which was not helping the situation. Even his clients were asking him if he was okay, and that didn’t help Magnus because he was supposed to be their counsellor, not depressed or worried himself. Sometimes that helped them, but Magnus didn’t feel like it was going to help them if he was the own cause to his depression.

Increasingly, Alec asked if he was okay or if something was going on he should be worried about. Each time, it got more difficult to say everything was fine but he didn’t have a solid decision in his head. Will was telling him he shouldn’t say anything and that it would worry Alec more than he needed to worry, which Magnus agreed with, but Alec also deserved to know.

He felt like telling him would destroy him though. Magnus did not want to be the cause of that, but maybe he had to be. The truth was always so important. But Alec would lose trust in his boyfriend and he wouldn’t have true cause to do that, not really. Everything was rushing about his head at a million miles an hour and he didn’t know what to do.

When he met up with Will again, it was perfectly fine between them. That was either because their friendship was too strong to be ruined by a stupid kiss or it was because their kiss had meant something and being together felt right. The latter scared Magnus but he was going to persevere, he loved Alec and he had a miniscule crush on Will. That crush would not take over his life. There was no way he would let that happen.

Constantly, Will was telling him to let it lie, to not worry Alec. And, when he was with Will or Will was telling him that, Magnus agreed completely. But, when he went home and he saw his darling Alec, he thought differently. Seeing him so unknowing and happy, it actually made Magnus sad and it hurt him in ways he hadn’t hurt before. He had to tell the truth, there was no way he could lie to Alec.

“Magnus, you’ve been weird all week.” Alec brought up again as they ate their dinner meal at the table, wine glasses in hand as they were being sophisticated, Magnus trying his hardest to appear like his normal self. “Please, tell me what’s going on.”

 “It’s nothing, my love, I’m just a worrier and you know that.”

“Uh, no, you’re not a worrier.” Alec corrected with a smile. “You’re one of the most chilled people I’ve ever met. I won’t get mad or upset or anything like that if there would be reason to, I simply want to know. I don’t like the idea you’d hide something from me.”

“Okay.” Magnus took a deep breath. He had to do it. He couldn’t lie anymore. “You know I love you, right?”

“Are you breaking up with me?” Alec asked, not accusing, just sad.

“No, no, no, Raziel no.” Magnus reassured. “I need you to know that before I tell you, that’s all.”

Alec nodded and waited for Magnus to continue.

“You remember last week, when I went out to ‘Pandemonium’?” Magnus asked.

“Yeah.” Alec nodded, not seeming concerned again, which hurt Magnus more. “You were with Will, celebrating his, uh, last session or something. Why?”

_Shit, okay._ Magnus released another breath. This was it. “I went back to Will’s, and I slept there, you remember that?”

“Oh, Magnus, you slept with him?” Alec said, and he didn’t yell or sound disappointed, he sounded purely upset.

That broke Magnus almost in two. “No, no, there was no sex.”

“But there was something?”

“Well, uh, we kissed…” Magnus was struggling with every syllable. “I took his shirt off too, and I gave him, well, it was just a hickey, but you know… He was drunk, I was drunk, and it didn’t mean anything. I mean, since we’ve been spending so much time together and we’ve been through a lot of emotional things, that’s sort of it, you know, the reason it happened. There’s nothing to it, I promise you.” Magnus sped up towards the end but the words weren’t any easier to get out.

Alec went silent. He played with his fork on his plate, pushing the food around as he thought, the sound scraping its way into Magnus’ heart. Magnus watched him intently, desperate for him to say something. The silence was worse than anything else. If Alec got up and left him, he would understand, at least he would know what was going through his head. If he stayed in silence, Magnus knew nothing.

“And that’s the first time you’ve kissed him?” Alec asked, not looking up for his plate.

“Yes.”

“And you don’t want to kiss him again?”

“No.”

“And you don’t like him like that?”

There was a pause. And that fucking pause was Magnus’ downfall.

Alec looked up, his face plain with hurt. “You like him?”

“No, no, not at all.”

“You like him.” Alec stated now, his voice wobbling.

“No, I _don’t_.” Magnus said, trying to stay strong. “Of course I don’t. I mean, you two do share some similarities, so how could I not find him a little attractive-“

Alec deflated at the word and Magnus stopped.

“I didn’t mean it like that.” Magnus tried to take back the words that had already left. His mind was whirling, words were spilling out faster than he could think. This would be one of the things Magnus would regret most for the rest of his life.

“I don’t know what to say.” Alec’s voice was quiet now.

“I’m sorry, I should have told you earlier. It shouldn’t have happened either, I should never get that drunk.”

“No.” Alec agreed. “Are you going to break up with me for him?”

“No, there’s not a chance of that happening.”

He went quiet again. “As my counsellor, tell me what I should do.”

This hurt Magnus’ heart, but he had to do it. “I would tell you that you should think it over… As your boyfriend, I would tell you that I love you dearly, and I will never let it happen again.”

Alec nodded. “I’m going to the chill room. I’ll see you in bed.” He stood and left.

This had been the absolute worst day and Magnus couldn’t do anything to fix it. Everything was in Alec’s hands and Magnus had to let him deal with it. To some, it would look like Alec was blowing it out of proportion, but he needed to trust people. This, kissing someone else, that was not going to help his trust levels at all, and it was Magnus’ fault now.

For a moment, Magnus felt like jumping off the Bridge again because he’d messed up something that was so perfect. He was an idiot.

* * *

Alec had had his trust broken before, but never by someone he thought he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. Never, not even for a second, did he think Magnus would hurt him like that. And he had and it hurt more now than it would have if Magnus had broken his trust before he got the pills. This way, he expected things to go well and, if they didn’t, it hurt more.

When he had awoken the day after finding out the information of his boyfriend’s cheating, Magnus was still in bed next to him. Before, Alec would have woken Magnus up with a kiss but not then. Instead, he got out of bed, dressed, and left the room all in silence. He felt cold towards Magnus and he didn’t necessarily like it, but he couldn’t help it.

A few minutes later, Magnus emerged from the bedroom too and he was biting his lip. He watched Alec as he moved towards the counter where Alec was already making coffee and Alec didn’t maintain eye contact. The pain was too strong in his heart.

It wasn’t as if he was falling back to the dark place he once was, but he had taken a step backwards. Not to such an extent that he was going to cut himself or withdraw from life again, but it did fog his mind over more than it had been in a while. Trust was not something that was going to be an issue for him anymore, not with the pills and the good people in his life, but that was, apparently, not the case.

With the guilt consuming him, Magnus was not going to be the first to talk. And, since Alec was hurting too in a different way, he wasn’t exactly going to initiate a casual conversation. Magnus merely said thanks for the coffee, his eyes continuing to watch Alec, and Alec took his own to the chill room, not feeling up to talking much that day.

For the next few days, he didn’t talk much at all. He didn’t go to his session with Magnus, but Magnus was clearly expecting that as he didn’t call him when he didn’t turn up. They still slept in the same bed and they carried on with their routine, they just didn’t make much contact. It wasn’t as though he wanted to break up with Magnus, he simply needed a bit of a break from him considering the levels of trust that had gone out of the window.

The days had passed slowly, especially with their lack of contact. Alec wanted them to be okay, and they probably would be, they merely needed to build up their trust again. That took time as everything did and Alec hoped Magnus understood that. Considering he didn’t pressure him, Alec got the impression he did.

On the Friday after the information had come to Alec’s knowledge, he woke up after Magnus had left. This worried him for a moment as he thought that maybe he was slipping back into his depressed state again. Then, after he remembered Magnus had to go into work earlier than usual because a client only had specific hours free, Alec felt relieved. Then he felt sad because he missed Magnus and seeing him in the morning with his bedhead and smile. They were going to be okay, Alec had to keep reassuring himself of that.

He padded out to the front room, not putting on trousers or a shirt, simply staying in his boxers because he didn’t have the effort to dress. He flicked on the TV and perused the channels, putting on ‘The Jerry Springer Show’ so he could make himself feel better about his own life in comparison to the people who went on that show. It worked and Alec was glad for that.

Half way into one of the shows, all of them merging into one at this point in the day, Alec heard a buzzing coming from somewhere in the apartment. It sounded like a text alert, so Alec went to look for his phone, secretly hoping it would be Magnus asking him what he wanted for tea or something domestic like that. But, when he found his phone on the kitchen counter, he discovered it was not his phone that was buzzing.

The buzz went again and Alec kept looking until he found Magnus’ phone on the dinner table. It was on the rare occasion that Magnus left his phone at home for it was the connection between him and all of the people in his life. It was the device he used to make a lot of his appointments and check up on his clients. He had left it at home twice before, both times coming home before lunch to collect it after realising his mistake. It was almost twelve o’clock, so Alec would leave it be for him to find.

But the buzzes kept coming. Now, Alec was not a prying man but he was intrigued as to what or who was desperately trying to contact him. Curiosity got the better of him in the end. He wished it hadn’t.

Will Herondale’s name was lit up about fifteen times, alongside other things, on Magnus’ lock screen. The mere sight of his name made Alec’s stomach churn and he felt his muscles lose all of their energy. He couldn’t let it lie now and, since Magnus was trusting enough to not have a password on his phone, Alec went deeper into the rabbit hole.

There was a hint of guilt inside him as he read the messages between his boyfriend and a ‘friend’ of his, but Alec felt like this was bigger than the guilt he was feeling, he had to know what it was that was going on between the two of them. Guilt was not going to stop him, he needed the truth. If Magnus was having an affair, Alec wanted to know.

The texts made it seem like he was having an affair. Not necessarily an explicit one, but an affair of some kind. The texts Will had just sent him read like: ‘ _If Alec doesn’t know, then it won’t hurt him. He’s okay being ignorant on this subject’_ and: _‘Please, tell me you haven’t told him. I haven’t even met him and I’m destroying his relationship’_ and _‘Magnus, meet up with me again.’_ It did not feel good. And it was weird Magnus had not told Will that he had told Alec about their kiss yet. Was there a deeper meaning? Alec didn’t know, his thoughts were going too wild at this point.

Then Alec remembered that Will and Magnus had met up the week before and his heart sunk to a lower level. Was he cheating on him? Was Magnus like that? So he read further and it didn’t make him feel any better. One of their conversations had gone as so:

Magnus: _Please, let me deal with this._

Will: _Magnus, don’t tell him._

_He needs to know Will, it’s not fair on him._

_It won’t change his life if you tell him. It’ll make him feel worse._

_He deserves to know. I am his boyfriend after all._

_Just come meet with me Magnus, we’ll figure something out._

_I don’t think seeing you right now is going to help how I feel._

_Shut up and just come over. Tell Alec you’re visiting a friend, it’s not exactly a lie._

_I don’t feel good about this._

_Talking to me will make you feel better. Come round, we’ll sort it out._

Alec couldn’t read anymore. He stumbled over towards the sofa and sat down with a sigh, Magnus’ phone still in hand. It sounded like an affair and Alec had never been cheated on before and, since he wanted to be with Magnus for the rest of his days, he didn’t think he would ever be cheated on. How wrong could he get? He found Will attractive and now he was going behind his back to meet up with him.

He would not get depressed again, not over this. Perhaps a breakup was on the way but from which side it was coming, Alec didn’t know. Maybe he would break up with Magnus because he would find the confidence to do so, or maybe Magnus would break up with him to be with Will. Whichever way it was, Alec felt like it was coming and it was already breaking his heart.

Magnus came home at half past twelve, telling Alec he had left his phone at home. He looked around for it desperately, going into every room and almost turning the place over for it. He didn’t realise Alec had it until he started looking in the front room.

“Is that my phone?” Magnus asked Alec quietly.

Alec nodded and said nothing.

“Can I have it?” Magnus asked after a pause, unsure as to what exactly was happening.

“Only if you tell me if you’re going to leave me or not.” Alec said and he looked Magnus dead in the eye. He did not like giving ultimatums but the situation seemed to call for it.

Magnus took a step forward. “Why would I leave you?”

“Because you want to be with Will. That’s what these texts are about, right?” Alec handed over Magnus’ unlocked phone and Magnus looked at the screen, in an instant understanding what was going through Alec’s head.

“There’s nothing romantic about us.” Magnus stated.

Alec had a hard time believing him.

“Alec,” Magnus began, discarding his phone on the table and coming to kneel before his boyfriend, “We met up so I could clear my head. We’ve been texting so I could make the right decision.”

“Why haven’t you told him that you’ve told me?”

“Because he doesn’t want you to know.”

“Because you two like each other, right? And if you tell me, you’ll be being honest with me and he wants you to himself.” Alec was jumping to conclusions but his mind was racing too hard to think logically.

“Not at all.” Magnus tried to take Alec’s hands but Alec moved them out of the way, so Magnus sat back on his heels. “I haven’t told him because I don’t want him feeling guilty.”

“About kissing someone who’s in a relationship?”

“Alec, there’s nothing between us.” Magnus reiterated his point. “Do you want me to drop all contact with him?”

Alec shrugged. He didn’t know what he wanted. His mind was fogging and he needed to get out for a little while.

“What do you want me to do?” Magnus asked.

Alec stood up and went to get dressed in the bedroom, Magnus following him through. “I’m going to go to Jace’s for a couple of days.”

“Are you leaving me?” Magnus asked, sounding sad.

Alec shrugged again.

“Can I say anything to make this seem okay?” Magnus asked as he watched on helplessly.

Shaking his head, Alec said, “I’m going to go to Jace’s. I’ll text you.” Alec said and he gathered a small bag of items before going to the front door, Magnus acting like his shadow. “Don’t forget your phone again.” He said before he left the apartment.

Jace and Clary accepted him with ease after he explained the whole situation. He had already told Jace about Magnus kissing Will but he hadn’t gone into major detail. Explaining it cleared his head and he felt like his thoughts were not so muddled. However, he still didn’t know what he was going to do.

Clary had to go out an hour after Alec arrived with some of her work colleagues, shopping and planning for the wedding and Jace said he was doing the same at home. Of course he wasn’t, but Clary didn’t need to know. He said Alec was more important than their marriage, which he wouldn’t say to Clary and which he didn’t necessarily mean, but Alec appreciated it.

“Okay, let’s set down the facts,” Jace began after giving Alec a glass of water and sitting by him on the sofa, “He was drunk beyond belief, or so he told you-“

“And that’s true, I don’t disbelieve that.” Alec said.

“Fine, so he was drunk beyond belief, he went back to Will’s place, Will also being drunk beyond belief. Then the two of them kissed, neither initiating it properly, it sort of just happening. Magnus meets up with Will during the week and now, the two have been sharing many texts. Correct?”

Alec nodded. To be honest, he wasn’t all that upset about the kiss or the hickey part, he was upset Magnus had admitted to finding him attractive. That was what hurt the most. He understood passing crushes, but Magnus and Will were close and they were closer after the whole situation. Alec truly felt like Magnus was going to leave him for Will.

He said he wouldn’t, but if feelings developed, which they inevitably would, then Alec would be left without Magnus. He would still have his dearest friends, but he loved Magnus. Without him, his life would be emptier and he knew the feeling of emptiness too well. He didn’t want to be in that place ever again. That’s what scared him the most and he didn’t want that to happen, he couldn’t let it happen.

“And he’s told you he finds Will attractive.” Jace continued. “Okay, let me tell you something, I’ve seen Will and you do look like him, there’s no doubt about that. So saying that, it sort of makes sense. I mean, he shouldn’t have said that because it’s a terrible thing to say, but it makes more sense than not.”

“I don’t want to sound like a whiney bitch, but what if he realises he prefers Will to me?”

“Alec, please tell me you have more self-confidence than that.” Jace said.

Alec shrugged. Sure, he did know he deserved love but one couldn’t help feeling low when they were compared to someone else. Sometimes that was just the way life treated you.

“I’m going to break this down for you,” Jace said, trying to sound as cool as he could, which Alec did not believe at all but he let him carry on, “I’ve seen you both together. I’ve seen the way you look at him, and there is a disgusting amount of love in that look, okay, absolutely horrifying, let me tell you. And I’ve seen the way he looks at you, it’s just as sickening, the amount of love he shows in his eyes when he sees your face. You two love each other, a lot.

So he did something incredibly stupid and said some incredibly stupid things too? Sometimes people do that when they love someone so much, and yes, this was an absolutely abhorrent thing to do, but it is also not the worst thing he could have done. You need to be upset, because that’s natural and, well, he deserves it because it wasn’t cool of him. But then you’ll kiss and make up, because you two love each other.

He’s not going to leave you, there’s no way. And you shouldn’t think that ever again. He’s in love with you, and _you_ know that too.”

“He hurt me though.” Alec said. Perhaps he was being unfair, but it felt granted.

“And that was dickish.” Jace agreed. “But we hurt our loved ones the most. When me and Clary got together, I think you remember, I kept dismissing her because I didn’t understand my feelings at all. It was horrible of me and I don’t like to think I actually did it, but I did. And now look at us. Times change, we move on, love makes us… I don’t know, something cheesy. You’re fine, your relationship is fine.”

“So I shouldn’t panic?”

“Not at all brother, not at all.” Jace said. “Make him suffer for a bit, but then move on.”

Alec nodded, his head not much clearer but his decisions and future more so. He did love Magnus and sure, he had hurt him but they could move on from that. Their love was strong, their bond was strong. And Alec didn’t know for sure Magnus was cheating on him. One kiss and one hickey all whilst drunk? If that was it, Alec could deal with that. All he needed was some time.

He spent the next couple of days with Jace, not texting Magnus and hoping his boyfriend would understand, considering he didn’t have much choice anyway. Clary always came home late after doing whatever it was that she did, and they spoke about old times and wedding plans, merely doing friend things.

It was exactly what he needed. Sometimes spending time with your closest friends, doing nothing and chilling out was the best medicine. You could be made happy, you could talk about your problems, and do nothing of note whatsoever, and it could be better than an expensive day out or something of that ilk. It made his mind clearer and it made him realise that he and Magnus were going to be fine.

Maybe their trust would need to be built up again, but that wasn’t the worst thing in the world. Relationships could be uncertain sometimes, occasionally one person might do something that hurt the other but, if the love was strong enough, it could always be left in the past. And it would be left in the past between him and Magnus. They would be okay, just a little tense for a couple of days.

And they were tense for a couple of days. When he returned, Magnus gave a sigh of relief but it was obvious he knew not all was going to be resolved right then and there. It would take time and they were okay with that. Alec gave him small smiles when he came in and left, and they sat on the same couch, not next to each other though, and they still stayed in the same bed, there just wasn’t as much love for that moment in time.

Conversations were lacking, and their previously comfortable silences now hung on them. It made Alec feel empty again, but not in such a terrible way. He was going to get back with Magnus properly, but he needed Magnus to know what he did hurt him. And he would only make it last a couple of days because he didn’t want to push him closer to Will. There was still that niggling feeling he would do that, despite what he knew for real.

Then Jace and Clary were having some sort of engagement party where you dressed up and brought gifts and celebrated their pre-wedding wedding, and Alec thought it might be the right time to forgive him. Magnus had gone without his love and he had been punished for long enough, even Alec could see that.

So, before he came home from work, he made him a meal with all his favourite components. That may sound like Alec was the one who needed forgiving, but it felt right to do, like a peace offering almost. Alec knew Magnus would appreciate the gesture of forgiveness and Alec wanted them to forget all about it. He wanted it to be a thing of the past between them and so it would be.

The shock on Magnus’ face was evident, but then relief consumed him and he smiled more genuinely than he had in days. That made Alec feel good too, and they kissed and it was wonderful. Alec melted into Magnus, their arms wrapped tightly around each other as their lips met. Breathing Magnus in fully, Alec pulled him closer. He loved Magnus and he could forgive him for this mistake.

“I’m so sorry.” Magnus mumbled against his lips.

“I know.” Alec said back, pulling back slightly to look into Magnus’ eyes. “I forgive you. Oh, and we’re going to Jace and Clary’s engagement thing next week.”

“Oh right.” Magnus said, smiling at this new information. “Thanks for the warning. Are you coming to your session tomorrow then?”

Alec nodded, and then he knew everything was going to be okay. Their love was strong and it wasn’t going to be broken up over something as miniscule as a drunken kiss between two people who didn’t love each other. A crush was merely that and Alec was not going to get himself hung up on it.

The big issue now; Alec didn’t own a suit. He had never had cause for one as his parents had not given Max a funeral, he had gone to no formal events, and he also did not have the money. That was a problem now considering he had to go to a formal party. As a suit was necessary for that, Alec knew he would have to ask Magnus for some help with that area.

“I know they can be expensive, but I’ll help out somehow.” Alec said as he finally plucked up the courage to ask him.

“The money’s not an issue darling,” Magnus reassured as he pecked Alec on the lips before he left for work, “We can get one after work today, I finish early.”

“Are you sure?”

“Do you expect me to let you go to an engagement party without a suit? Have we not been dating for almost nine months?” Magnus said, smirking.

“Okay.” Alec agreed, both relieved and tense.

Asking for money and favours would never be something Alec was comfortable with. It felt like he would forever be indebted to that person, even if he did repay them. And since he owed Magnus so much already, asking for more favours was painful at this point, despite Magnus always being happy to help.

The suit fitting was odd, he had never had a stranger so close to his body, especially his crotch. Magnus assured him this was how they always did it, but it still felt inappropriate. The suit was more important though, he needed to fit in with everyone else at this party, so there was no way he was going to stop getting the fitting because he felt awkward.

And, although he was saying it himself, he did look quite good in a suit. Magnus clearly approved as well, which made Alec smirk. Suits made Alec feel upper-class and dapper, it was not a feeling he was accustomed to and that was nice. Dressing up, making yourself feel gorgeous, that was incredible for one’s mental health because looking good meant feeling good too.

On the day of the party, the two of them got ready together and Magnus was struggling, clearly desperate to rip Alec’s suit off of him and do things to him on the bed. Alec knew this mainly because Magnus kept telling him exactly that as he did up his cuffs and ran his hands across his boyfriend’s suited chest admiringly. It was arousing, but they couldn’t be late.

There were no ties and no compulsory blazers, it wasn’t supposed to be that formal, so their top buttons were undone. And, since Magnus was always in the mood to impress and arouse, he undid the second button too. That made _Alec_ want to rip it off and do things to _him_ on the bed. Somehow, he managed to restrain himself and they made their way to Jace and Clary’s house.

They were among the first to arrive. Jace was looking smart, his top two buttons undone too, of course, and Clary was looking radiant in a short, red dress. Simon and Isabelle were already there too. Isabelle was revealing as much skin as she could which Alec did his best to disapprove off but he knew that was the way she displayed her confidence, meaning he didn’t say much about it.

Then there were other people, most of whom Alec had never seen before. His anxiety began to rise but Magnus promised to not leave his side, and Alec would cope. It was a good feeling, being able to mingle in a room full of strangers. His confidence levels were higher than they had ever been and Alec could finally enjoy himself without worrying about what everyone was thinking about him.

As the day grew on, everyone’s professionalism fell as it always did as the champagne flowed quicker through everyone, easing their facades. Alec, definitely better off than when he entered, chatted easily with everyone, most especially about his relationship with Magnus. He got asked about a thousand times how long they had been dating and where they met, which was always fun to talk about. The amount of people that got tense at the mention of depression and suicide was astounding.

Even when people noticed Alec’s scars as they peaked from the bottom of his sleeves, they still got tense and tried to ignore them, despite being the people to point them out in the first place. The whole subject of depression was an elephant in the room and it wasn’t a good thing. People should be able to talk about it, it shouldn’t be a feared subject. And yet it was.

If Alec was comfortable with it, then other people should be comfortable with it too. So, when Alec talked about meeting Magnus when he was about to jump off a bridge, there were almost gasps, and it didn’t feel right. The fact Alec was there now, that’s people should focus on, not the past. Depression and suicide, it was taboo, and it shouldn’t be because it was such an important thing. People shouldn’t cower away from it.

One person who _was_ comfortable with talking about suicide and depression was Alec’s cousin, Aline. She was there with her girlfriend of a few years, the two of them being quite in love it would appear. When they had been growing up, Aline had visited their house a lot as they had lived close to the Lightwood household. All of the children in that house had then bonded as none of their parents had been the nicest of people.

And so Aline was able to talk to Alec casually about the issues that had plagued him for some time. Other people stood with them, not feeling as relaxed about it, but Alec didn’t care; being able to talk to _someone_ casually about a part of his life he was able to say he had left behind, that’s what mattered most. If people were awkward about it, it made Alec feel uncomfortable, and he didn’t need to feel uncomfortable about it anymore.

Then Jace and Clary were giving a speech, telling everyone they were glad they had joined the party in celebration of them, Jace’s ego spiralling out of control as per usual. There were some jokes, tales of friends, and their first meeting too. Laughter filled the room as Jace told the story about the time Clary ‘accidentally’ walked into his room whilst he was changing after the first time they had met, completely disregarding the fact she did say it was a complete accident. Jace was good at telling stories, Alec had learnt that over the years.

He had a way of drawing everyone in, making everything sound so much more dramatic than it actually was. It was just another one of the charming things about him, and Alec couldn’t help but admire Jace for it. Sure, he had an ego that could overwhelm everyone’s and his arrogance was unmatched, but underneath that, he was a dear, dear friend. When you got passed the layers where he was constantly talking about how wonderful he was, you could trust him with your life, and Alec did.

Although he didn’t like to show it, Jace was very considerate. Jace had had some trouble dealing with his emotions in the past, but now he was here and he was embracing it. Nowadays, he didn’t deflect the love people showed him and that made Alec want to follow in his footsteps. Once upon a time, Alec too deflected all forms of love and if Jace could get over that then so could Alec.

They had faced different troubles in their time, but both had been there for the other when they could. Alec hadn’t let Jace be there for him all the times he should have in the past, but that would change now. If he needed Jace or anyone, and if they needed him, he would be there. He would not allow himself to fall back into that place where he wouldn’t accept help because that was a bad place to be.

And here he was, in a good place with his friends and family, and strangers too. They were all engaged fully into the speech that had taken a turn towards Clary ridiculing Jace for all the time he spent in the mirror delaying Clary from wherever they needed to be, everyone laughing still. He took Magnus’ hand in his own and held it there. He didn’t need to hold his hand for reassurance anymore, he could do it purely because he wanted to do it.

Then Jace mentioned his name, and Alec didn’t know what was coming next. Not expecting his name to be mentioned as part of their speech, Alec froze in anticipation, though he knew it wasn’t going to be bad. His face burnt as he saw heads turn back to him to look at who Jace was talking about, and Alec tried to maintain eye contact with Jace and only Jace.

“Now, as some of you may know, Alec has been apart from our lives for some time.” Jace said, nodding towards Alec who continued to stare at him, unsure of what was coming. “And he’s been dearly missed, and finally, he’s here with us again. Alec is my brother, and I would not be here, stood with this hot chick-“ Clary whacked him on the arm, “If it weren’t for Alec being such a dear friend. Without him, I would not be the man I am, well, I would still be as good looking as I am, but I wouldn’t be such a caring, loving, and wonderful person either.

And although I expect him to assume this without me asking, I am going to ask him to be my best man right here and now.” Jace paused. “Please say yes, this would be very awkward if you said no.”

Alec nodded. “Of course I will, you egotistical ass.” Alec answered with a smile.

Jace looked relieved as if he thought there was even a chance Alec would say no. “He knows me well, as you can all see.”

It wasn’t necessarily unexpected, but at the same time it was. When they were younger, even when Alec liked Jace romantically, Alec always thought they’d be each other’s best men if they couldn’t get together themselves. Being that close, you sort of expected it. But since Alec had been away for so long, mentally and physically, he thought Jace might have found another best friend to ask.

He thought, maybe, Jace would have thought Alec wasn’t going to come back into his life, so why wait around for him? Clearly, this had not been the case and it was reassuring for Alec, to know he had been appreciated and thought of even in absence. That was true friendship and Alec knew he had that now.

The day had grown old by the time the speech had finished, and the drinks were going down easily. More and more people were getting tipsy, and it felt like they were actually at a wedding by the end, people taking off their heels and jackets, and dancing to the music they had requested go on. Alec had never been to an engagement party, but Magnus assured him they were usually music-less and people didn’t tend to get drunk. But this was the Lightwood family they were talking about, Jace being an integral part, and Alec liked to think they did things a little differently.

Eventually, people started to leave, most asking if they could be a part of the wedding party where they could sit at the big table at the front of the reception, and the couple in question said they would think about it. When it was only Simon, Isabelle, Alec, Magnus, Jace, and Clary who remained, they told them that most of the people who came today were only here because they weren’t coming to the actual wedding. In their slightly intoxicated state, they all thought this was hilarious.

Izzy then raised her glass, which had next to nothing left inside, in a toast to the engaged couple. Everyone joined her, and they cheered lightly for Jace and Clary who looked very pleased for themselves. Their day had gone well and now they had a best man, and a maid of honour, Isabelle agreeing at some earlier date apparently.

Before Magnus and Alec left, Clary exclaimed they still had so much to do and, despite Jace telling her they still had almost a year to plan everything, Clary was getting frantic. This led to Jace telling them all to go before they got sucked into something they could never escape, and the four left the two of them alone, Jace desperately trying to calm a drunk Clary down.

The next few weeks consisted a lot of Alec going round to their house to help plan. Well, ‘plan’ may not be the correct word for what Alec and Jace did. When Clary was talking to Isabelle furiously about their plans, Alec and Jace would add something in once or twice and then continue to talk about something completely irrelevant, the girls not noticing at all.

It wasn’t that Jace didn’t want to contribute, it was more that Clary was so eager to do it all, Jace was happy to sit back and let her go. Apparently, that was an aspect of their relationship that had been around since the beginning; Clary would go off on one of her ideas, and he would follow along, simply wanting her to be as happy as she could be. It was sweet and Alec thought they worked well together.

He was also spending a lot more time with Magnus whilst Magnus was at work. When Magnus had a session that wasn’t his own, he’d sit in the connecting room or idling around town, getting something for them to eat. They weren’t particularly purposeful days, but Alec didn’t have much else to do. Sitting at home had gotten a little mundane and he needed to be more active. The pills had made him realise sitting down all day or cleaning the same thing over and over again were doing nothing for his health whatsoever.

He wanted to get a job, he wanted to do something where he could contribute both to the world and to the bills Magnus had to pay. Still, Magnus would say money wasn’t an issue, but it didn’t make him feel any better on that front. Practically every day, Alec was asking Magnus for money so he could go and get _them_ food or something like that.

And yet, every time he tried to get a job again, he could never muster the courage knowing an interview would be on the way afterwards. Even with the pills, Alec didn’t have the confidence for interviews, and that was the way he was. It was the way a lot of people were and there was nothing any of them could really do. If you couldn’t face people or interview, then you just couldn’t and Alec had to deal with that by leaching off of Magnus every single day.

It wasn’t pleasant for him.

“Magnus,” Alec began as he sat in one of the chairs in the office, Magnus sitting opposite him. He was free for another two hours, so he was going to chill out with Alec and chat with him, possibly make out too if it came to that. Today, however, it might not because Alec had to talk about money again, “I feel so bad about asking you for money all the time.”

Magnus looked at Alec, “Why?”

“Because I do it every day, and I’m never going to be able to pay you back.” Alec explained.

“Alec, I’ve told you, money isn’t an issue.”

“But why? You tell me that so often, and I don’t understand. It’s odd you say it so much without an explanation.” Alec finally said.

Magnus shifted uncomfortably in his seat and Alec wondered if he had offended him somehow.

“Why do you say it so much?” Alec asked again, more gently this time.

“It’s a bit of a tale.”

“Is it going to last more than two hours?” Alec asked, attempting to joke, but Magnus didn’t appear to be in a joking mood.

“Probably not.” Magnus said.

Alec waited then, not knowing what to say next in case he discouraged Magnus from talking. For a moment, Magnus paused and Alec couldn’t read his face like he normally could.

“Okay,” Magnus began with a deep breath, “Do you remember what I told you about my fathers? How they were absolutely terrible to me?”

Alec nodded.

“Well, they had joint custody of me, I think I told you that. I would go from house to house, back in Brooklyn, not knowing if either wanted me because they loved me or to spite the other father. It wasn’t a pleasant way to spend a childhood but that’s the way it happened, I was shipped from house to house for years, not knowing if either was a home or just a place with a bed for me to sleep on.

As I got into my teenage years, about thirteen, fourteen, I started to put my foot down a little more. Neither of them liked it but I was trying to be confident. I felt like I had a say in what I did and where I went. Of course, it didn’t work out like that because I wasn’t legally an adult, so I still had to go where they told me to go, the both of them being my ‘guardians’ as it were.

My step-father grew increasingly cold towards me after I started to mature. He would hit me more and more, tell me to go find somewhere to die, drink more too, and generally be more of an ass than he ever was. And I, being under the legal adult age and being scared of what he would to me most of the time, I dealt with it and carried on with my life. As you can imagine, that was not the best idea.

Anyway, one day, when I was fifteen I was taking a bath in my step-father’s house. For some miraculous reason, the shower had apparently broken, and the lock on the door too. I didn’t think anything of it, I got on with having a bath, trying to keep hygienic so I wouldn’t get bullied in school. I mean, I was already getting bullied because I’m Asian, so I didn’t want to give them anymore reasons to bully me, if that makes sense.

I was listening to music really, really loud because I felt like I could escape the world if I didn’t have to hear the reality of it all. And the way the bathroom was positioned, the bath was not facing the door, so if it opened, unless you were watching, you wouldn’t know. So there I was, lying in the bath, ignoring my troubles when my step-father comes in without me knowing.

Suddenly, my head is plunged underneath the water and I can’t get up. My step-father’s hands are on my head and shoulder, and he’s keeping me there, trying to drown me. I struggled for ages, I was quite fit kid so I could hold my breath for a while, and I kept trying to get his hands off, but he was stronger than me.

I almost died, I remember the edges of my vision darkening and my last breath leaving my body. I really thought that was going to be my end and, if I was honest, at the time, I probably would have been okay with that. That’s how messed up in the head I was even as a kid.

But, since my biological father was meant to be having me for the weekend, he was picking me up that evening. No one was answering the door, so he unlocked it with a key he had made in secret because he’s a sick freak. He ran upstairs when he couldn’t find me or my step-father, saw the situation, and pulled him off me.

Whilst the two of them were engaging in a full on fight, I got out of the bathroom as quickly as I could, dressed, and tried to get out the house. I didn’t want to be a part of either of their lives anymore. But, considering I had almost just died, I wasn’t exactly fast and there was a lot of fluid in my lungs.

So, after an argument, I went to the hospital, they sorted me out, and then my biological father told me to sue him. I didn’t want to, I just wanted to get divorced from him, _and_ my biological father if possible, but that wasn’t unfortunately. And, so a lawsuit followed. Or, it _would_ have if my step-father wasn’t a big part of some massive company.

They promised to reach a settlement of an incredible amount of money if I never spoke of the incident ever again. I wasn’t totally okay with that, I didn’t want to let him off scot-free but my biological father, who had rights over me, made the final decision, so he took the money. I got most of it, but he also got some because he was my ‘guardian’. I never saw my step-father again, so that’s the silver lining of that part of my life.

The _cloud_ was that I had to spend the next three years with my biological father. Now that he saved my life, I owed him even more apparently, he treated me worse and it was sickening. I couldn’t leave his sight or do anything without him reminding me what he had done for me. I loathed him with all of my being.

When I turned eighteen, I sued him too, for emotional damage and that sort of thing. That felt so good to take so much of his money and finally be able to leave his sight without having to see him again. That’s why I have so much money to my name, that’s why I did so many drugs without getting caught, that’s why I can pay for medical bills without insurance, and that’s why I’m fine with giving you so much, knowing you can’t pay me back Alexander.” Magnus finished with a small smile.

Feeling guilty then, Alec nodded slowly to show his understanding. He hadn’t known any of that. Magnus had been so close to death so often, it was saddening. Alec didn’t like to think about it at all.

“You said your biological father came to San Fran though, didn’t you? When we first met?” Alec asked, thinking, if the wound was already open, why not let it seep? It wasn’t nice, but Alec wanted to know.

“Well, when I moved away, I moved here because it’s one of the farthest places you can get from New York without leaving the States. I went there as I fast I could, having enough money to buy a small place to start off. I never wanted to see either of them again, and getting to a state on the opposite side of country was the way I thought I could do it.

Then there was all the drugs, the relationships, and the bus crash, and I was feeling at my lowest point, thinking it couldn’t get any worse. As you know, my biological father found me somehow, and miraculously decided to live in San Francisco as if he had wanted to do that forever.

I was in this café when he sauntered in, carefree and with the devil in his eye. I hated him, with everything that I am, I hate him still. He tormented me for weeks, knocked at my door in the middle of the night, waited outside my house for me to get up and leave. Every day, he would try to talk to me, telling me, no matter where I went or how I tried to get away, he would always find me and I would always be his. Like his property, it was so sick and twisted of him.

After I jumped off the Bridge and got my life sorted, I got a restraining order. It was difficult because he was my biological father, but I managed eventually. Of course, he broke it within a week and he was offered either time in jail or leave the state and never come back. Since he didn’t want that sort of felony on his record, he decided to leave San Francisco, and my restraining order stands wherever I go, as long as I give prior warning.

That’s what happened and that’s why I never have to see him or my step-father ever again. It’s great and my life is going perfectly well.” Magnus said.

It was a lot to take in. Alec hadn’t expected any of it, he knew both of his fathers had been terrible, but he didn’t know about any of that. It was a bit of a shock, the murder attempt, the stalking, Magnus had been through so much and now here he was; happy. It was inspirational, sure, but it was also sad.

“So please, don’t worry about the money anymore.” Magnus said.

“Okay.” Alec agreed quietly. “But with all this energy I have, I still feel like it’s going to waste.”

Considering it for a moment, Magnus then said, “I have a proposal for you- not engagement one,” Magnus recovered with a smile, “But a job one, if you want to hear it.”

Alec did want to hear it.

“With all the clients I’m getting now,” Magnus began, “I don’t have a lot of time to be scheduling the appointments. Sometimes I miss calls because I’m in a session, or I can’t fit everyone in because I accidentally schedule someone in someone else’s spot, all those sorts of things can get complicated for me without anyone to help. So, if you’d want, you could sort of be my secretary, you could do all the appointment stuff, check things over with me, and basically tell me what’s going on. How does that sound? That way, you’d be working for _me_ , so you could use my money and it would, technically, be yours too.”

It sounded fair enough to Alec, and he was spending a lot of time at the office anyway. There were perks and there were downfalls. The perks were that, yes, he could spend the money without feeling so guilty, he would have a job, and he would be doing something worthwhile with his time at long last. The downfalls were these: it was said you should never work with those you love, and he would be spending pretty much every second of his life with Magnus if he were to take him up. That was great because he did love Magnus, but seeing someone so often and for so long, it might be too much.

Magnus told him to take a couple of days to think about it, saying there was no obligation and Alec weighed it all up in his head a lot over the next few days. If he was honest, he was leaning more towards taking Magnus up on his offer, it was just the idea Magnus might tire of seeing him that was making him reluctant. He knew Magnus loved him truly, but perhaps there were times when you could grow tired of those you loved. This would be one of those circumstances, Alec thought.

But, then again, Magnus wouldn’t have offered it to him if he thought he would grow tired of him. And their relationship was strong enough now that, if either of them did have a problem, they could talk it through like mature adults. So it was a definite yes, right?

Then there was the big problem Alec still faced in everyday life: social anxiety. Being a secretary meant talking to people on the phone and, whilst Alec was okay with that, he wasn’t great with it. His confidence levels were high, but talking to strangers on the phone, that was still intimidating. Maybe this job would make him grow out of that, but maybe it wouldn’t.

That, however, was not something he could know until he did it. So he took the job, Magnus congratulating him with sex that day, which Alec was more than thankful for, and he got straight to it. Adjusting had been harder than he expected, people didn’t understand who they were talking to at first, but a week or so went by and people grew accustom to the idea. Some said they’d prefer to speak to Magnus, but Alec had to tell them they couldn’t because it was _his_ job now. Soon enough, his confidence was even higher than before and everything was working out for him.

His dark days were coming few and far between and his whole heart felt lighter. Those dark days could never leave completely, for everyone got their bad days, but they didn’t weigh so heavily on Alec’s mind anymore. With the constant talk of weddings from Jace and Clary, his relationship with Magnus was getting better too. He went back to the doctor and they lessened his dosage of pills to only two a day, which was great news, and Alec was generally better, healthier.

Happiness was the feeling he felt more often than anything else. Being content, being happy, these were the feelings Alec knew well and his days of sadness and depression were well in the past. With a job, friends, a mending relationship with his parents, and a boyfriend, he felt good. Life was no longer treating him terribly, all the bad times were gone. Whenever he felt bad, he remembered his old days, and he knew he could cope.

And that feeling, the knowing it wasn’t the end and that he could carry on, that was something he needed in his life. And he had it, he knew he could do anything. He was constantly inspired to do more, constantly feeling ready to cope and live and do. It was the feeling everyone should have, and finally, Alec did.

Sometimes, there was a trigger back to an old time or an old feeling that made him not so happy, but he could overcome that. If someone mentioned cutting themselves or joked about suicide, his scars would twinge and he could feel his mind grow dark for a moment. But then it would pass and Alec would remember he didn’t need to feel like that anymore.

One of these triggers walked through his door one Wednesday morning. It was Will Herondale, someone he had not seen or spoken to since he had found out about the kiss. Seeing him made him realise just how similar the two of them were; they shared cheekbones, eye colour, hair colour, and even build. It was odd and Alec understood more as to why Magnus thought he was attractive, but it didn’t feel all too good to think that or see him.

Will’s face drained when he saw Alec, but he smiled all the same. He approached Alec’s desk and paused, waiting for Alec to say something first.

“Hey Will.” Alec greeted, tenser than he had intended.

“Alec.” Will nodded in greeting. “I came to drop this off for Magnus, is he free?”

“No, he’s with a client, but he’ll only be ten minutes if you want to wait.” Alec informed.

Will decided he would, and sat in one of the chairs close to the desk. It was an awkwardly long pause and Alec couldn’t stand it any longer, so he decided to speak up. He didn’t have a problem with Will anymore, not that he really did anyway, and he didn’t want Will to think he had a problem with him either.

“What have you got for him?” Alec asked, surprising Will by talking to him.

“I went on holiday with my sister and her husband, and I brought this book back. It’s all about Latin and I remember he, uh, wanted to learn Latin, so I got him it.” Will explained, a little tense. “It’s not like, a romantic gift.”

Alec snorted, finding it humorous Will thought Alec would think that. That made it obvious Magnus had finally told Will he told Alec about the whole kissing situation, and Alec preferred that. He would not have liked to have told Will he knew about the kissing incident as that would have been too awkward to even explain.

“I know.” Alec assured him. “I didn’t think it would be.”

“You don’t hate me then?” Will asked.

“No, and I don’t think I should.” Alec said. “You two were drunk and he did only say he kissed you because you look like me, so that’s totally fine.” Alec smirked.

Will smirked back. “Well, clearly we’re both very good looking then.”

There was hint of Jace in Will. It was more comforting than odd, and Alec would use that to form their friendship. And they would have a friendship. If Magnus deemed Will a friend, then Alec would want to be his friend too, mistakes were mistakes and Alec would not base his entire judgement on one of them.

Before either knew it, ten minutes were up and Magnus was coming out of the office, bidding goodbye to the woman who was about to leave. When she was gone, he spotted Will, and he looked just as shocked as Alec had been. Then he looked at Alec, then back to Will, his brow furrowed.

“If you’re going to kiss him again, you can go into the office do it.” Alec joked, and Magnus was relieved of all tension.

“I assure you, it was the alcohol that made me want to kiss him. I could never do such a thing sober.” Magnus said, and he winked at Alec.

“Hi, I’m right here.” Will said as he stood. “I have finished my counselling but I’ll need it again if you knock my confidence like that.”

“Your confidence was never the issue Will.” Magnus said, smiling at him. “You all right?”

“Yeah, yeah. I have a present for you. I don’t want you to open it in front of me because that’s awkward and I hate it, but I just wanted to pop in.”

“Do you want a drink?” Magnus asked as he received the bag with the book inside, not looking in as Will had requested.

Will shook his head. “Can’t stay I’m afraid, I’m meeting Cece for lunch. She’s bringing Gabriel and we have to sort out some issues about bonding or something. I don’t know, when his name is mentioned, I kind of blank out.”

Magnus laughed. “Okay, well, this was brief but pleasant.”

“We’ll meet up sometime later, I just had a spare moment, so I thought I'd run this into you. Anyway,” Will said, heading towards the door as Alec stood as well to see him out, “Nice to see you both. See you again soon.”

Will hugged Magnus casually, then, less causally, shook Alec’s hand. It was a start to their friendship and that’s what mattered. Magnus opened the book after he left and seemed pleased with it.

“I didn’t know you wanted to learn Latin.” Alec commented as he followed Magnus through to the office who had an hour until his next session.

“Mhm.” Magnus nodded, sitting on the sofa and Alec joining him. “I told him months ago when I asked him to tell me one of his aspirations and he promised me one if I told him one. I told him I’d never had the chance to get started, so this is very thoughtful of him.” Magnus put the book down and looked to Alec. “I want to take you for a walk tomorrow.”

“A walk?” Alec asked, curious.

“Yeah, a romantic walk. I don’t have any clients, do I?”

“None.” Alec confirmed. “Where to?”

“That’ll be a surprise.”

Alec agreed, curious but trusting Magnus to accept those sort of offers when they came. The rest of the day went by idly, Magnus had clients all day, so they didn’t’ see each other much, but, when seven o’clock came and his last client left, they went home, exhausted and ready for bed. Once they had dinner and chatted lightly on the sofa, their minds turning to mush, they went straight to bed, falling asleep almost the instant their heads hit the pillow.

Alec’s dreams were more pleasant than not now. As everyone did, he got nightmares, but they were not like the ones he used to get. Now, they were calm, and gentle, and they did not pressure his mind. He felt at ease in his life and his dreams mirrored that. Most of the time, they were about Magnus or Jace or his family, or they were completely insignificant, like he was at on a boat rowing out into the ocean.

Well, perhaps if he told a psychiatrist these dreams, they would be significant. But, for the moment in time when he wasn’t telling people about his dreams, he was comfortable with them. They did not plague his thoughts, they no longer consumed him like they once did. They were merely dreams with no relevance to how he looked or thought about himself.

The next morning, he was gently awoken by Magnus bringing him breakfast in bed. This didn’t happen too often as nowadays they were both out of the door quite early, but when it did, Alec was sure to treasure it. Sometimes he would bring Magnus breakfast in bed too, and it was all so domestic, Alec loved it, domesticity was his thing.

It was quite a surprise as well, so Alec made sure to make the most of it. He ate slowly, allowing Magnus to steal food off his plate since he did make it after all. Once again, he asked Magnus where they were going for their walk, but Magnus would not tell. He was certainly a man of mystery and Alec both loved and hated that about him.

Actually, Alec loved everything about Magnus. Even the little things that should have gotten on his nerves, like him coming to bed late because he was reading something or trying to figure out a client, they didn’t bother him because they showed he cared. Sure, sometimes he wished the majority of their time wasn’t spent at work, but he didn’t mind too much after a while. He adored Magnus in every sense, so much that even his flaws were not so flaw-like, they were simply the things that made Magnus who he was.

He was a caring man who loved with all his heart and as passionately as anyone could. He had a beautiful body and a beautiful heart, nothing about him made him ugly. He was pure and beautiful and wonderful and Alec loved him more and more each day. There would never come a day in his life where he wouldn’t be thankful for Magnus Bane, and he made sure he knew that properly every single day by kissing him in unexpected moments or telling him in the late hours of the day.

He wanted Magnus to know just how truly and purely he loved him, and he showed him and told him whenever he could. When he thought he could not love Magnus anymore, he would do something like breakfast in bed, and it would make his heart swell even further. He was sickeningly in love and he would not have it any other way.

Finding himself thinking this again as they walked hand in hand to wherever Magnus was taking him, Alec kissed his cheek. Public displays of affection were still not something Alec loved, but for Magnus, he would do anything. And he needed the warmth for the summer was turning to autumn and the days were growing cold. Perhaps that was just an excuse, Alec didn’t know and nor did he care.

Throughout their walk, they had taken many turns down many roads and streets Alec did not know and had not seen before. He had absolutely no clue where they were going or why they were going, but he followed Magnus, hoping there would be some reason for their adventure. Well, to be honest, Alec didn’t care if there was a reason, he loved to be with Magnus and if this was a pointless walk, just so the two of them could spend some time together away from work and their apartment, that would be fine too.

But then Alec caught sight of something he did know very well indeed; Golden Gate Bridge. His heart sunk to his stomach as he still wasn’t prepared to see this place again since his birthday. It was full of dark memories for both of them and Alec wondered why on earth Magnus was taking him there. He didn’t stop walking, but he did grow more and more tense as they approached it.

“It’s okay, we’re just going on a walk.” Magnus said as he could read Alec’s face.

“Why here?” Alec asked, the two of them reaching the Bridge and walking across it slowly.

“Because it’s necessary. I’ll explain when we get further in, I promise.”

Alec trusted Magnus’ promises but he still felt uncertain.

They reached the middle, and Magnus leant his arms against the barrier, Alec mirroring him. He looked down towards the water, remembering how it had once called to him, and he felt sickened by it. He didn’t want to think about those things, not anymore. He wanted to move on, get away from this place, and coming back here was not going to do that.

“Do you know what day it is?” Magnus asked after he left Alec a moment to take it in again.

“It’s Thursday?” Alec said, confusion filling him.

“Do you know why today is significant?”

He shook his head, not being able to recall anything whatsoever.

“Last year, on this day, you were going to jump from this bridge.” Magnus reminded him.

“Oh.” Alec said and he felt himself deflate. He didn’t remember that at all. Some people, when they were going to commit suicide, chose specific dates to try and make their death mean something and Alec had not done that. He had merely gotten up one morning and decided the time was nigh. There was nothing special about it.

“I’d like to do something with this day, every year,” Magnus said, adjusting his stance so he was only leaning with one side of his body so as to watch Alec more closely, “If you’d be okay with it.”

“What?”

“I’d like to make this a day of celebration, for the two of us. It was the day we met, it was the day you got over committing suicide, this is the bridge _I_ committed suicide on, this is the bridge my friends died on. This place, it has so much meaning for the both us, both together and individually. I thought it would be nice for the two of us, every year, to take the time off work or whatever we’re doing, be alone together, and come to this bridge. That way, we can celebrate that we’ve moved on, that we’re no longer in that place, and that we’re here and alive, together.” Magnus explained slowly.

“Every year?” Alec asked, wondering if Magnus thought they were going to be together long enough to make it a tradition. Of course Alec wanted to, he merely wanted the reassurance Magnus wanted that too.

“Yes, every year. Me and you, and no one else. I mean, sure we could do this on birthdays or Christmas or whatever, but this way, it’s unique to us. That’s what would make it important.” Magnus took one of Alec’s hands in between his own. “And I think it would be good.”

Alec considered it in silence. It would be good for them. They had been through so much together and so much apart, having this thing where they celebrate their lives, it made sense. It wasn’t a big deal, it was merely something they could do together to celebrate the fact they were both okay, _together_. Magnus and him, on this bridge with the world passing by around them, it all made sense.

And so, every year, on that date, they went back to Golden Gate Bridge to celebrate their lives together. They would sit all day there, eating a picnic off the entrance of the Bridge once they decided that would make sense since they needed to eat after all. Their lives, no matter what was happening, would stop when they needed to go to the Bridge to remember.

So much time passed between each trip to the Bridge and they could remember it all. Their lives moved on, they got married, they adopted kids, they bought a house because one spare room was not going to cut it after the first child. They moved into a neighbourhood with the Fairchild-Herondales, and the Lewis-Lightwoods and their children grew up together as one big family.

Terrible family Christmases ensued where Robert would try to open champagne and it would end up spraying all over the ceiling, and that would incur an argument worse than the year before. Then they would all reconcile and settle down with the kids to watch some version of _‘The Christmas Carol’_ that Alec still didn’t pay much attention to.

Their kids, when they went through problems, were always in the best hands. Alec and Magnus had been through so much, they could help with pretty much everything. When one of them was becoming depressed, both of their fathers were up front and centre, ready to help them get out of it before it got to a stage they had known too well. They were loving fathers, caring, compassionate, and not in the least bit harsh.

One year, with the Fairchild-Herondales, and the Lewis-Lightwoods, they finally took a massive family trip to Disneyland where the adults probably enjoyed themselves more than the children. Well, perhaps not but Alec certainly enjoyed himself thoroughly. They did a lot of family trips together, Alec now truly understanding the importance of family.

Alec had begun valuing all of the opportunities in life. Whether it was reading to his children or taking a trip Italy, he would do it all if he could. After missing out on so much because of his mental state, Alec vowed not to miss out on anything he didn’t have to. And he revelled in every evening he spent in with his family or only Magnus, and he enjoyed every second he spent at the park playing with his kids because he could.

Life was wonderful for him finally. He was where he wanted to be and he had a wonderful amount of love in his life. His bad days were next to none, he celebrated the smaller things in life, knowing he would grow old with Magnus and not feel guilt anymore. He loved and he received love, and he couldn’t ask for more. His life, in his eyes, had become perfection.

And every single year, he would stop doing what he was doing, take a break, and go to his and Magnus’ bridge. They would celebrate their lives and where they had come from. Alec remembered every year, the feelings he had when he had wanted to jump, and now he found those ideas almost comical. To think, if he had jumped, he wouldn’t have his family, he wouldn’t have his children, he wouldn’t have Magnus. To think he could have missed out on all of those opportunities, it made him both sad and grateful because he came out of it, and yet there were still so many people who were doing that, not knowing it could get better. They didn’t know that, one day, they could be looking back on their life with their loved ones and be glad they didn’t jump.

One day, it would have to come to a time where one of the pair came alone to the Bridge, celebrating life without their husband. One day, one of them may take their children to the Bridge instead because celebrating the day alone would almost defeat the purpose. Life was about the people in it, and to come alone would not be celebrating their lives. That day was far off and Alec did not care to think about it. All he cared about was the now, and how he had gotten to it.

So they came to Bridge to celebrate the wonder that is life, and that was their own solution.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone that read it, I hope you enjoyed it. I'm not that much of a sadist really. As I said before, I hope you can all recover from anything that goes arwy in your own lives x


End file.
